Hanley Police Station has confirmed via satellite today that it will be auctioning off items taken from crims and suspects to raise funds for a series of festive celebrations.
"The lads have worked hard this year and deserve to let off steam over the holidays," says spokesman Barry Shanks. "Crims are too lazy to do anything then anyway and this will save the taxpayer a lot of money. People should be thanking us."
Items going to auction include BMWs (the car of choice for today's successful crim), baseball caps, Adidas tracksuits, Xbox 360s and various illegal drugs with a street value of over £1 million.
"Any money left over after paying for the parties will go into a big pot," explains PC Shanks. "That pot, and it really is a big pot, literally a pot, will be an emergency fund for future parties. It means we can use our government funding purely for police work. For a change."
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