Reader Shout-outs

Can I get a shout-out to my daughter Prosecco Grindey, 6, who has been learning to read exclusively on EYE ON STOKE - Gill Ellis, Chell 

Good learning Prosecco!

I am a burglar from Middleport (don't print that part), can I get a hello and can you tell Staffordshire Police to stop arresting me for crimes I have definitely not done - Timmy Necker, Middleport

Sure thing Timmy!

Long time reader, first time e-mailer. I didn't vote three times for Brexit at three different polling stations to see us cave in to the EU's demands like this fuck the commies - Barry Nobbs

We think this should have gone to our Brexit inbox Barry, please re-send.

I get urges to stab people with my magic knife, a big up might stop me thanks - Super Stabby Mike, Norton

A big up coming your way Super Stabby Mike!

2016 Review: June

An aerial display by B-2 bombers ended in disaster when radio messages from an 8 year old boy on a CB radio led to the planes dropping their payloads over Milton and Norton, levelling the towns to the ground.

The boy, Timmy Tupper, who lives at 23b Flip Street in Middleport with his mum Janet, dad Barry, step-dad Terry and step-mum Leeanne, was playing on his CB radio and accidentally tuned into RAF Trentham's local frequency. After ordering the planes to loop the loop he screamed "Bombs away!" leading to the deaths of over 20,00 people.

Despite asking for clemency at his trial, Judge Ted Barcroft ordered the death penalty for Timmy, leading to protests from locals who wanted a stronger sentence. A charity single 'Let Little Timmy Burn' raced to the top of the charts.

Middleport To Get Heritage Status

One of Stoke's least important towns has suddenly become one of its most important following news that has been granted world heritage status.

"Middleport will now be protected as a 1980s preservation zone. We've never seen such a perfect recreation or embodiment of the 'grim up north 1980s'," Henry Caecilius of UNESCO said. "It's quite remarkable, like going into the past via some sort of machine which can travel through time. I don't know if a name exists for such a hypothetical machine. But that's what it's like."

Main Street in Middleport, yesterday

"Strangely, we've never even tried to look like the 1980s," Middleport's mayor Bob Clacker said. "But we'll take the hand outs, aye."

"The only worry now is that we'll be unable to put satellite dishes up," Middleport resident Chardonnay Birchall said. "Unless they're square or some bollocks."

Tony Blairs Appointed Middleport Peace Envoy

Former British President Tony Blairs has been appointed a peace envoy to the troubled area of Middleport, home to fighting between rival groups of drinkers.

The rival groups both claim some disputed pubs as their "local", and neither side will back down. Some drinkers have even set up beer gardens in areas normally home to rival drunks.

 

"Now that I have brought peace to the Middle East, its time I brought peace to Stoke," says Blairs. "This will be my toughest challenge and will get me the Sainthood I deserve."

The situation in Middleport is not helped by the fact that the market has been flooded with cheap booze as well as the threat of invasions by groups of boozers from neighbouring Longport and Burslem.

Off Licences Warned Over Underage Sales

Two Booze Heaven off-licences have been caught selling too much alcohol to underage customers as part of a police operation. The stores in Middleport and Trent Vale were subject to licence reviews yesterday after a police sting to catch retailers red-handed.

At the store in Condom Road, Trent Vale, neighbourhood police carried out a test purchase in November and a 17-year-old girl bought 12 bottles of wine. The shop also sold a 16-year-old 36 bottles of WKD.

Middleport Young Conservatives

PC Barry Shanks, of Staffordshire Police, said: "This is way too much booze to sell to someone underage. One or two bottles of wine is fine, as is 5 or 6 bottles of WKD, but this was too much."

Paul Sheepdog, a spokesman for Booze Heaven, said: "This sale was a genuine mistake not an example of flouting the law. The book should not be thrown at retailers, they should be given a medal."

Chairman of the licensing sub-committee, Jim Glimp said: "We have permanently modified the conditions on the licences to include those agreed. Any further appearance before this committee could lead to an angry letter."