Reader Shout-outs

Can I get a shout-out to my daughter Prosecco Grindey, 6, who has been learning to read exclusively on EYE ON STOKE - Gill Ellis, Chell 

Good learning Prosecco!

I am a burglar from Middleport (don't print that part), can I get a hello and can you tell Staffordshire Police to stop arresting me for crimes I have definitely not done - Timmy Necker, Middleport

Sure thing Timmy!

Long time reader, first time e-mailer. I didn't vote three times for Brexit at three different polling stations to see us cave in to the EU's demands like this fuck the commies - Barry Nobbs

We think this should have gone to our Brexit inbox Barry, please re-send.

I get urges to stab people with my magic knife, a big up might stop me thanks - Super Stabby Mike, Norton

A big up coming your way Super Stabby Mike!

Stoke Demands Post-Brexit Hard Border

Reports have emerged that Stoke's ruling Council of Elders are going to demand a hard border between the city and the rest of Britain once the country exits the EU in 2019.

"I am not at liberty to disclose the thoughts of our glorious leaders," city council press secretary Barry Lemons said at his weekly press conference. "But it's clear that the will of the Stoke people is to take back control of our borders and stop cockneys and scousers from getting in."

How the proposed wall around Stoke will look

The hard border would involve building a giant wall around Stoke. "What's better is that we will make the UK pay for it, lol," Lemons added.

"The UK needs Stoke more than Stoke needs the UK," Timmy Yip SMP, member of the Stoke parliament for Chell, said. "That much is FACT. Leaving the UK again is our ultimate goal. We give £351 million a week to the UK, money we can spend on festivals and mobility scooters. A hard border is the first step in that direction, that's why we should push for it."

Sunday Service - Politics Special

With Reverend Nigel Gedge of St Terry's Church in Cobridge

There's been a lot of allegations about MPs abusing their power to get handsy with people. The only hand I ever use to touch people with is the hand of God and they are always grateful.

With the lack of trust in our MPs, it's now time we were governed by God and his disciples. I am prepared to form a government with other religious leaders (only ones from the correct religion though) and finally bring Britain into a new golden age where MPs are chosen by the shepherd (i.e. God) and not the sheep (i.e. the British people).

Gordon Brown says America misled Britain over the Iraq war. God has never misled me, nor anyone. Even the time he told me to take the church's delivery of red wine to my house, he was testing me and I knew the truth.

Brexit Means Fucking Brexit

By Dick Mellor

I wrote in 2013 about how much I want to wipe Britain's shitty arse of the dangling shit glob that was the EU, hanging out of our hairy arsehole, refusing to squeeze out and go down the shitter of history where it belongs.

I also campaigned vigorously during last year's glorious referendum, like a man a quarter of my age, full of vim and vinegar and proud British gametes, wanting to sow my EU-leaving seed into as many people as possible (figuratively speaking of course, I'm a happily married man and accomplished husband, as Mrs Mellor will testify to under oath, and has done on several occasions), making sure once and for all that we leave that stinking cesspool of corruption, eurocrats and foreigners behind us and get back to being the most powerful country in the world where we belong, looking down onto everybody else, spitting into their mouths when they are thirsty, pissing on them when they need a shower, chucking them leftovers when they need sustenance.

So when our supreme leader, our Aphrodite, our grey goddess Theresa May tells those limp-dicked, bent-titted, spunk-for-brains remoaning bastards that "Brexit means Brexit" I stand behind her, snooker ball-in-a-sock in hand, ready to crack some skulls and shit down some throats. End of.

Stoke Elects A Badger As Mayor

Following the death of city mayor Lemmy Longclaw last month, Stoke moved quickly to elect a new one - and voted in a badger!

Of course, this is Stoke, and as such, it isn't as ridiculous as it may seem as Stoke has had a badger for mayor since 1974, and the role is largely ceremonial with no real power attached.

The tradition comes from Stoke's war of independence when the city declared itself a republic and tried to break free from the UK. At the end of the war, when British tanks broke through Stoke's defences and pushed into Hanley, marking Stoke's defeat and the war's end, a lone badger stood in defiance of the British army, staring down the enemy and refusing to budge.

That badger, Lil Jimmy, was found guilty of treason and sent to Gibraltar to live in exile, but his stand became legendary and led to the city creating the role of mayor purely to vote a badger into office to honour his memory.

Stoke newest mayor is called Truffles and will start his new role tomorrow.

2016 Review: November

After Stoke's ruling Council of Elders announced it would be imposing sanctions against North Korea, supreme Korean leader Kim Jong-un threatened retaliation in the form of nuclear attacks.

Because of this, Stoke resumed its own nuclear weapons programme, carrying out tests in the desert areas to the south of the city. Unfortunately, a missile went astray and hit the nearby town of Stone, destroying the Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service headquarters, and irradiating the rest of the town. A concrete sarcophagus was quickly erected over Stone, trapping in the radiation and any survivors. This meant that no lives were lost in Stoke.

Brexit Fuels 'Stexit' Hopes

Britain's recent vote in favour of leaving the European Union, better known as Brexit, has fuelled hopes in the city that the long held dream of Stoke becoming a completely independent republic could become a reality.

Stoke City Council has so far batted away questions on the subject, while spokesmen for the Council of Elders, Stoke's supreme ruling body, has refused to take questions of any kind since last Christmas.

Stoke previously fought a war of independence in 1974, when it declared itself the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent, no longer a part of England or the UK. Stoke lost.

"The only reason I voted for Brexit so that Stexit might follow," Stokie Doris Ahmed said. "I care no more for them pig-fuckers in London than I do for those snail-munching rear view mirror cowardly fucktards in France, I want rid of all of them."

"I voted for Brexit cuz I hate foreigners," EYE ON STOKE reader Cub Gunns e-mailed.

Jonathan Wilkes's views on Stexit are also unknown at this time.

SNP Election Hopes

The Stoke National Party [SNP] is making a final push ahead of the forthcoming general election, where it hopes to make big gains.

SNP leader Dougie Banters is to outline his party's election promises tomorrow at Disney World in Florida, where he is currently on holiday with his wife and girlfriend, should they win the election outright.

"We expect to win most if not all seats in Stoke," Mr Banters said in advance of the launch. "If that pattern continues nationwide, we should get all seats in parliament. This will put us in a prime position to govern Britain until we get bored of it, then push for independence from this god-forsaken country once and for all."

Mr Banters has refused to rule out joining a coalition, though his preference is to win outright.

Stephen Milligan Day Under Threat

Next year's Stephen Milligan Day is in danger of being cancelled after Stoke Flex Ltd, the company who normally provide electrical cords for the celebration, went into liquidation.

"This would be a crippling blow to Stoke's social calendar," socialite Phoenella Smith-Smith wrote in her column in the Daily Gargoyle.

The day started as an ironic celebration by non-Conservatives of the death of Milligan, before Tories started joining in to try and reclaim the day, before pretty much everyone in the city started celebrating it as a city holiday.

"This is exactly how Christianity began," historian Paul Grundies said. "In 2000 years time, Milligan may be worshipped as a GOD."

Milligan died on 07 February in 1994, having a cheeky wank while strangling himself with electrical cord, dressed in stockings and suspenders, having a bin bag on his head and a drug-soaked orange segment in his mouth.

"Jesus died in slightly different circumstances," Grundies adds. "Though similarities exist."

2014 Review: March

An office worker from Birmingham was fired from his job after sending mail addressed to "Joke-on-Trent". After Stoke's Council of Elders protested, and threatened to refer to Birmingham officially as "Bummingham" in the future, Birmingham's High Command backed down and sacked the worker, leaving him destitute and broken.

Women Urged To Stay Safe

Stoke city councillor Ken Gollies has urged women in the city to stay safe this winter by giving up their jobs to stay at home and raise their families instead.

"It's a jungle out there right now," UKIP Cllr Gollies explained. "Women literally can't walk down the street nowadays with getting titted up or jizzed on by passing immigrant pervs. The best place for them is in the home, where they can be safe and warm."

"We're grateful of Cllr Gollies's interest and shall be passing his advice on to our members," Gaby Neville, leader of Stoke women's rights group Clunge Riot said.

Stoke Offers Troops To Scotland

Stoke's governing Council of Elders has offered the city's troops to Scotland if they are needed in the event of a war, should the northern state, famous for haggis, sectarian football violence and Billy Connollys, be successful in gaining independence from the rest of the UK.

The move could be viewed by some as an act of war by Stoke against England and the UK, but Council of Elders spokesman Kenny Badgers denies this.

Just what is it good for?

"What we have here is a classic case of misunderstanding," Mr Badgers said. "We just happen to be sending troops to Scotland on leave as the referendum is happening. Anything our brave boys choose do in their spare time there is up to them, whether it be to eat a deep fried Mars bar, take heroin or kill a load of English soldiers."

Stoke declared independence from the UK in 1974 but was defeated in the subsequent war leading to the uneasy alliance that continues to this day. The Council of Elders denies it is doing any of this to gain revenge on the UK

North Longton To Vote On Independence

Rogue Stoke state North Longton is to hold a referendum about breaking away from the Stoke Union, its "glorious" leader Den Biggins has announced.

"I don't know where this idea came from, it just hit me one day," Biggins told viewers of North Longton’s state TV channel. "Under my rule, Longton will ascend from the union and set out to rule the world."

"North Longton will not be allowed to go independent, whatever the result of this illegal vote," a spokesman for Stoke’s ruling Council of Elders said. "We own North Longton and will continue to do so long after all of you are dead."

The vote will be held the day before the vote for Scottish independence, whenever that is.

Tony Blairs At The Root Of 21st Century Wars, Say Religious Extremists

Extremist religious groups from within Stoke have reignited the debate about the west's response to terrorism by calling on governments to recognise former British president Tony Blairs as the biggest source of conflict in the world.

Writing in The Daily Gargoyle, terrorist union spokesman Ken Wok argued: "One thing is obvious: wars are motivated by abuses of power."

Wok added that terrorists need to be ready to take action for protection, though, such militant actions "will not deal with the root cause of Tony Blairs".

Wok also used the article to talk about the creation of a new online forum for terrorists, which he hopes will become the world's leading source of information and debate about Tony Blairs and pointless conflicts.

Councillor Blames UKIP For Stoke's Bad Weather

Independent City Councillor Kev Scragg has blamed political party UKIP for the recent bad weather that has hit Stoke.

"God said that if you get into bed with twats, then bad stuff will happen," the councillor told City Hall. "This is divine retribution. You've brought this on yourself you stupid bunch of fucktards. I'm going on holiday."

Cllr Scragg later said that Stoke had been beset by bad weather since Stoke got its first UKIP councillor several years ago.

"People voting UKIP is like pissing on the holy book," Cllr Scragg tweeted. "It literally is."

2013 Review: Part II

April

Stoke’s tallest building has had its alcohol licence revoked and was torn down. The 30,000 foot high building, known as "The Standing Up Oatcake", was constructed at a cost to the taxpayer of £3 billion and was intended to be Hanley's new job centre. Despite the building being destroyed, owners FadCo still plan to appeal the revocation of the alcohol licence.

May

Stokie Benny Evangelista was shocked to discover that his penis had been banned by the EU for being "too bendy". A complaint was registered by his ex-wife Jenny following their divorce and upheld after picture evidence was presented. Facing a choice between having the offending member cut off or leaving the EU, Mr Evangelista decided to move to Thailand where he became a pimp to local hookers. 

June

Local secretary Kerry Harrison became a laughing stock in the city after an epic misspelling in an e-mail to her boss, UKIP city councillor Terry Catnip."I don't know what all the fuzz is about," she wrote in reference to Matt Smith's announcement he will be leaving 'Doctor Who'. The e-mail went viral and ended in the suicide of the bubbly blonde. "Bullying is not big and not clever," said Cllr Catnip, who had accidentally forwarded the e-mail to the whole of the civil service in Britain having added "read what the fuckwit has put now".

Man Played By Idris Elba Dies

South African celebrity politician Nelson Mandela, best known for being played in an upcoming film by British actor Idris Elba, has died, Stoke's Council of Elders has announced.

"This must be a tough time for Idris," said council spokesman Ned Cummings. "We wish him and his family all the best."

"Mr Elba is a great ambassador for Britain and the acting world," added Nigel Maycock, Stoke's ambassador to the UN. "His hard work in getting quality leading roles for black actors will endure."

"He is an inspiration for millions," politics student Amy Williams posted on social network FaceSpace. "I'd never have developed an interest in politics had Idris not played a politician. His influence will live on for generations."

African State To Join Stoke?

African state The People's Republic of Mwanjibatou has made an application to become a part of Stoke. Leader of the country Godfrey Mwanji made the application via satellite during an internet poker game with members of the Council of Elders.

Mwanjibatou, formerly known as The Democratic Republic of Babatou, left the commonwealth last year in an angry response at alleged homosexual acts performed by members of the current British government.

"They all get upto it at them private schools man," said President Mwanji. "We want a permanent seat on the Council of Elders and a nuclear weapon and we're in," he added.

The Council of Elders has so far refused to comment on the speculation. "We do not comment on transfer speculation," said spokesman Henry Hubertsworth.

Dennis Rodman Visits North Longton

Former basketball star Dennis Rodman has paid a visit to the troubled ward of North Longton to meet with firebrand council leader Den Biggins.

North Longton has been ostracised within Stoke for its use of fireworks at inappropriate times of the day and for imprisoning South Longton missionaries who have been there.

"We will not be talking about that," says Rodman. "I'm just here to shoot the shit, and maybe a few hoops," he told reporters from The Daily Gargoyle.

Mr Biggins, no relation to Wayne, or to a lesser extent Christopher, hit the headlines recently when he withdrew from diplomatic relations with Stoke's other towns and closed down their embassies in North Longton.

"William Hague Is A Twat"

Stoke city councillor Randolph Steiner III has got himself in hot water after he was seen mouthing the words "William Hague is a twat" during a live televised council discussion about hovercraft access to the city.

"You could clearly see on TV him saying the words then looking pleased with himself," commented viewer Doris Ahmed. "The cheeky bastard."

"This is clearly a Hagueist statement and the councillor should be sacked with immediately effect," says local Conservative activist Sally Fields. "We wouldn't tolerate him saying something like this against coloureds or cripples or women so we shouldn't tolerate it against a minority like William Hague. This is a chance for our society to make a real statement of intent that we want to eradicate this kind of prejudice."

Councillor Steiner has yet to comment on this issue and has decided to play golf instead of doing so.