2016 Review: January

2016 got off to an explosive start when a series of bombs were exploded by terrorist group ISIS during Stoke's new year celebrations. Tens of thousands died during the blasts. Fortunately, Jonathan Wilkes was not one of them; his panto co-stars formed a workable human shield protecting him from the blast.

The subsequent ground assault from ISIS troops swept through the city, until a joint team of paintballers and the Crackley Republican Army kept them at bay, buying troops at RAF Trentham time to load mini nukes into a giant metal robot called Tin Can Terry, which proceeded to blow itself up at the battle site taking out the ISIS group and most of Longton.

City Council Approves Name Changes

Stoke City Council has approved a bunch of name changes for many roads and places in the city.

Sir Jimmy Savile Road, in Boothen, will be renamed Angry Pulis Avenue, and Jimmy Savile Street in Tunstall will now be known as Ted Hankey Street. The Sir Jimmy Savile Memorial Garden in Etruria will keep its name until a suitable local celebrity dies.

Stuart Hall Street in Burslem is to be known as Wayne Biggins Street, and Max Clifford View in Trentham is to be renamed as Peter Crouch End. Dr Fox Road in Bentilee has temporarily been renamed Foxy Bingo Road pending the outcome of police enquiries. Rolf Harris Road in Shelton is now Brian Blessed Road.

The city council has confirmed that it has no plans though to change the names of Cliff Richard Road, Sir Cliff Street, Sir Cliff Richard Avenue, Bachelor Boy Botanical Gardens, Devil Woman Street, Living Doll Road or Sir Cliff Cliff. "Innocent until proven guilty," council spokesman Jinky Watkins explains. "And we all know Sir Cliff didn't do it. We can rest easy on this one."

2013 Review: Part IV

October
Bilal Sakander, owner of local soccer team Fegg Hayes Vikings, unveiled a statue of Sir Cliff Richard outside of the club's 90,000 seater ground, The Hanley Economic Stadium. "Anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off to Crewe," Sakander told Vikings fans who protested the statue. It was commissioned after Sakander paid Sir Cliff a reported £1.5 million for a private concert at his palace in Dubai. "Sir Cliff is a national institution and will bring good luck to the team," Sakander added. The statue proved to be a lucky charm as the Vikings won their next game 12-3 against local rivals Kidsgrove Killers.

November

Judges in Stoke got together to form a new group committed to cutting crime in the city. "The judicial system in Stoke has failed," said Judge Barnaby Booty outside of Fenton Magistrates Court. "We shall take matters into our own hands." The new group will hunt down and give punishment it deems fair to crims who are found not guilty at trial but obviously are guilty.

December

Local saint Gary Spanners decided to cheer up children at a Trentham hospice by dressing up as Santa and giving out gifts he had purchased or made himself. The convicted paedophile, whose 10 year spell on the sex offenders register had recently come to an end, was watched at all times. "We'll be keeping an eye on him," hospice spokeswoman Kaz Starburst told reporters. "No bad can possibly come from this."

Charity Controversy

A campaigner for disability charities has been sacked from her role after saying that city councillors should be put down to save public money.

Erica Gash, 13, a true belieber, has so far refused to apologise for her comments and said that this is the view of her belief system.

Justin Bieber

Speaking to Ken Barry at a charity hog roast to raise money for starving orphans in Africa, unaware that he was a conservative councillor in Trentham, Ms Gash said that councillors are "usless", "ugly" and "are paying the price for sins of a former life".

She told Cllr Barry that blowing their brains out was a waste of bullets and that we should "bludgeon them with hammers" then "let the perverts have their way with their bodies".

"Good riddance to bad rubbish," Cllr Barry told supporters at a recent fan club meeting when asked about Ms Gash, to wild applause.

Blue Plaque In Honour Of Trentham Torturer

Councillors in Trentham have confirmed that they are planning on putting a blue plaque on the storage space used by the Trentham Torturer [Terry Butkins] to torture and kill his victims.

How the blue plaque would look

"Terry is perhaps the only famous person ever to come from Trentham," says councillor Ken Topdeck. "We should honour him and this is what he would have wanted."

"This is not what he would have wanted," says Sharon Butkins, Terry's former wife. "He would have wanted a statue."

Stoke Strangler Kills Trentham Torturer

The lifeless corpse of the serial killer known as the "Trentham Torturer" has been discovered by Bunters [badger hunters] this morning, along with a note from the "Stoke Strangler" claiming responsibility for the murder.

"I done this murder," wrote the strangler. "Cus I am the best. The Trentham Torturer was a big nonce."

Terry Butkins, the Trentham Torturer

The identity of the Trentham Torturer has been revealed by police to be 53-year-old Terry Butkins, a hot dog vendor popular with tourists at Trentham Monkey Park, where he worked.

Mr Butkins was a major player on the local go karting scene and was an enthusistiac collector of hammers. His collection will be auctioned for charity.

Trentham Torturer: I’m Better Than Stoke Strangler

One of Stoke's most prolific and respected serial killers, the Trentham Torturer, has today fired a broadside at the newest kid on the block, the Stoke Strangler.

"He's just a noob," says the Trentham Torturer. "He's little more than a chancer. Anyone could go up to a bunch of annoying youngsters and kill them with their bare hands, I know there are times when we've all wanted to do things like that. But it's too easy, there's no artistry, no magic."

Current golden boy the Stoke Strangler has already notched up an impressive 9 known kills, including 6 in one go last week when he took out an entire street dance crew in one attack. However, he’s still some way behind "Trenty", who currently has 21 known victims.

"My kills are works of art," explained Trenty, when special guest on the 'Signal Gold Serial Killer Breakfast Show' on Sunday morning. "They're carefully planned down to the smallest detail and executed to perfection. The Stoke Strangler is little more than an uneducated savage."

Oatcake Taster Forced To Quit

Famous local oatcake taster Cheb Kingdom has had to quit his job after doctors warned the 22-year-old – who has piled on 12 stone after eating 1 kg of oatcakes a day since landing the much sought after role in 2001 – his cholesterol level was "dangerously high".

Mr Kingdom, of Trentham, said: "I'll really miss being 'Willy Wonka' of oatcakes. Eating oatcakes for a living really was the dream job. I was given a 'golden ticket' to sample the world's craziest, tastiest new oatcake designs and flavours and review them in the magazines. It was every Stokie's dream come true. I got so much pussy off the back of this job it's untrue."


Willy Wonka

Cheb's GP, Dr Phil Collins, said: "The only problem with eating oatcakes from 9 to 5, of course, is the predictable weight gain and high cholesterol. In the last couple of years, he's put on some considerable weight and I started calling him 'chub', rather than 'Cheb'. It's just banter."

Mr Kingdom has now started a new career as an author, penning a novel about a talking badger who can see the future and tries to stop World War 3 from happening.

Death Row Inmates Lose "Last Meal" Privilege

Prisoners on death row at HMP Werrington will no longer be able to request a special last meal!

The new rule is all thanks to the execution of BNP-supporting white supremacist Dwayne Cockshaft-Smith who was put to death by lethal chair on Tuesday night. According to a death row “insider”, he ordered a very large meal and then chose to barely touch a thing on his place. The Daily Oatcake says his meal included: 2 chicken fried steaks in oatcakes, a quadruple-meat bacon cheeseburger, a multipack of cheese wotsits, a large bowl of boiled badger eggs and a bottle of ‘reggae reggae sauce’, with a loaf of white bread on the side. For dessert, he wanted a pint of ice cream with 6 pikelets.

Some pikelets

Cockshaft-Smith isn’t the first inmate to pull such a stunt and now Tory councillor for Trentham Roy Bargepole says: “Enough is enough. It is extremely inappropriate to give a person sentenced to death such a privilege, it’s nothing short of political correctness gone mad. Or health and safety gone mad. I forget which one.”

Prisoners on death row in HMP Werrington will be served the same food as other prisoners on the day of their execution. And if they decide not to eat their last meal? Then they will simply go without a main meal and will have to make do with the sweet dispensers in their cell. As for second helpings, that issue was not addressed.

North Longton's Rocket Fails

North Longton's much anticipated bottle rocket launch has ended in failure, splintering into pieces over the A50 soon after lift-off. The reclusive Stoke ward admitted today in an announcement on Signal Gold radio that a "satellite of love" launched hours earlier failed to enter into orbit in the skies around Stoke. Fenton and South Longton also declared the launch a failure.

The bottle rocket - seen by many as a banned test of firework technology - was launched from north-west Longton early on Friday.

Fenton, Trentham and South Longton say it flew only for a short time before breaking up and crashing. North Longton said its party planning committee were assessing what had caused the failure. North Longton says the aim of the launch was to put a smile on people’s faces, but Fenton and other Stoke wards say the launch constituted a test of firework technology banned under city council resolutions.

In a statement, city council elders condemned the launch, despite its failure. Darts champion Phil “Fingers” Taylor called the launch deplorable.

The city council is due to meet later at a hog roast and disco to discuss the launch. Chell Heath, North Longton's closest ally, has called for calm and restraint on the Longton peninsula.

“North Longton's attempt at a firework display is a clear breach of the city council resolution,” said council spokesman Mick Miller. “The resolution prohibits any launch using fireworks unless a special license has been granted, like for a birthday party or on bonfire night, for example.”

The bottle rocket's failure is an embarrassment for North Longton’s leaders. It will also come as a relief to other Stoke wards who are worried about North Longton's potential to develop other long range fireworks.

South Longton’s leaders said that North Longton's behaviour was of concern to the whole of Stoke. "Despite the failure of its attempted firework launch, North Longton's provocative action threatens peace and quiet and contravenes its own recent commitments to stop dicking about," spokesman Dave Hill said.

North Longton conducted a similar bottle rocket launch after a dinner party in 2009. On that occasion, South Longton analysts said the rockets failed to go off properly - but North Longton said it was a success and its guests were “well impressed”.

In Focus: Trentham

Trentham is located in the south-west of Stoke.

The name Trentham comes from the French saying 'tres temme', which means 'very effeminate' or 'very camp'.

Trentham is home to Trentham Park, Trentham Gardens (which are basically two halves of the same thing) and best of all, Trentham Monkey Forest!

Trentham was one of the “Rotten Boroughs” eliminated as parliamentary constituencies by the Reform Act of 1832.

Horror movie 'The Evil Dead' was filmed on location in Trentham.

Trentham has two different golf courses. They're just taking the piss, no town needs that many.

People from Trentham think they’re so much better than everyone else, but they're not. They're dirty dogs like the rest of us.

Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.