Crouchy's Autobiography To Be Preserved Forever

The Stoke Book Registry has announced that its 2017 selection is Peter Crouch's autobiography, 'Walking Tall: My Story'.

Every year, one important work of literature is selected to be preserved forever in the Library of Stoke.

"This is a massive honour for Crouchy," commented Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed, 105. "But well deserved. The book is a masterpiece, a journey into greatness, a tour de force of humanity AND humility, an experience so vivid one will feel like they are walking in Crouchy's shoes and seeing the world through his eyes."

The book follows the 2016 selection, 'A La Recherche du Temps Perdu' by Marcel Proust, and 2015's 'The Trial' by Franz Kafka.

Brexit Fuels 'Stexit' Hopes

Britain's recent vote in favour of leaving the European Union, better known as Brexit, has fuelled hopes in the city that the long held dream of Stoke becoming a completely independent republic could become a reality.

Stoke City Council has so far batted away questions on the subject, while spokesmen for the Council of Elders, Stoke's supreme ruling body, has refused to take questions of any kind since last Christmas.

Stoke previously fought a war of independence in 1974, when it declared itself the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent, no longer a part of England or the UK. Stoke lost.

"The only reason I voted for Brexit so that Stexit might follow," Stokie Doris Ahmed said. "I care no more for them pig-fuckers in London than I do for those snail-munching rear view mirror cowardly fucktards in France, I want rid of all of them."

"I voted for Brexit cuz I hate foreigners," EYE ON STOKE reader Cub Gunns e-mailed.

Jonathan Wilkes's views on Stexit are also unknown at this time.

EYE ON STOKE Nominated For Pulitzer Prize

Reader Doris Ahmed has nominated EYE ON STOKE for the prestigious Pulitzer Prize, regarded by many as the highest journalistic prize available in the world outside of Stoke.

Sending her nomination by post card to a PO Box address, Doris explains her nomination. "EYE ON STOKE always has top notch news in a top notch style. Their Peter Crouch coverage is superb. Overall: yes."

Despite being over 10o years old, Doris likes to keep up-to-date with the modern world. "I love the internet. It's pure filth. Nothing like this back in my day. If this is the kind of thing I get for having killed a bunch of Jerries in the two World Wars I fought in, then sign me up for some more. The Hun won't know what hit it. I'd love it if we beat them again, love it."

Pottermusses Beat Human Rights Abusers, World Rejoices

Stoke City fans have been celebrating over the weekend after beating Premier League champions Manchester City 1-0 away from home.

New signing Mame Biram Diouf scored the winning goal at the end of a 70 yard run making the Mancs, known as "Citeh" or "the human rights abusers", look stupid in the process.

"I fucking hate Citeh," Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed said. "To figuratively go to their gaff, pull their pants down and tickle their balls right in front of their ugly, slack-jawed fans is one of the great joys of life. We were literally 'mad for it'. Our kid. Etc."

Nightmare As Crouch Leaves Stoke

Millions of local hearts were broken yesterday when it was announced that Peter Crouch had been sold by Stoke City.

Local Bob Harder made the announcement on Twitter last night, leading to an outpouring of grief and a torrent of abuse for the handyman. Trending hashtags on social media included #PleaseStayCrouchy, #WeLoveYouCrouchy and #BobHarderIsATwat.

Fortunately for football fans, Crouch had only been sold on computer game FIFA 14 by Harder and not in real life.

"Crouch will leave Stoke over my dead body," says fan Doris Ahmed. "I would rather kill him than lose him, even in a video game. I have written to EA Sports to demand that Crouchy cannot be sold under any circumstances in the game. I may or may not have threatened to send parcel bombs in the future if my demand is not met."

Ted Hankey, Wherefore Art Thou?

"Capello's gone. Didnt see that coming." These are the poignant last known words of Ted Hankey, given to the world on 08 February via his Twitter feed @tedhankey.

But little has been heard of "our Ted" since, and Stokies are worried.

"Come back Ted, we will always love you," appeals darts fangirl Doris Ahmed. "You can always 'count' on my support, ha! You see what I did there?"

"I'm a proud 'Ted-Head'," says supporter Dave Murray. "And I'm getting worried. He isn't normally away for long unless he's gone on a bender, and this would be the mother of all benders. Though, if anyone could do it, it'd be our Ted."

Ted joined the PDC darts organisation earlier this year from the rival BDO, a move seen by some darts fans as being equivalent to a member of "The Crips" joining "The Bloods".

Welcome To Stoke, Charlie Adam!

Stoke City fans have quite literally been rolling out the red carpet for new star signing Charlie Adam!

The fun-sized Scotsman joins the Pottermusses from relegation-threatened Liverpool in a deal worth a rumoured £4million plus add-ons including oatcakes, pikelets and tips on dress sense to the food and fashion-challenged Scousers.

Charlie Adam

"On behalf of Stoke, I would like to welcome Mr Adams to my country," said Stoke fan Doris Ahmed. "He'll soon discover that we do things differently here. He'd better get used to it if he knows what's good for him."

"I can see him fitting well into the hole behind Crouchy," added City season ticket holder Phil Collins. "And I don't mean that sexually, obvs."

EYE ON STOKE Denied Olympic Accreditation

Britain's best news organisation, EYE ON STOKE (i.e. the site you're on now), has been refused media accreditation for the Olympic stadium, meaning that it won’t be able to cover the most high profile track and field events in person.

EYE ON STOKE's editor and managing director, Monty Deschanel, called the decision "a slap in the bollocks by the British Olympic Association". He continued: "We are truly disappointed that EYE ON STOKE, which has covered the glorious sporting achievements of Peter Crouch for many years, will not be inside the Olympic stadium to record more expected glory. They may as well have shit into my open mouth."

Doris Ahmed

EYE ON STOKE's readers have already reacted with outrage. Activist Doris Ahmed has set up a petetion calling on the BOA to reconsider its decision, which has so far attracted an estimated 75,000,000 signatures. Local councillor Jinky Watkins has also called for the decision to be reversed.

There’s no indication at this stage that there’s been a deliberate attempt to exclude the EYE ON STOKE explicitly because of the nature of its readership. Mr Deschanel says: "Something is very wrong if the media accreditation process is so unbalanced as to refuse access to a world-revered journalist from a well-known and respected website that caters to a readership that many other outlets don’t reach. They may as well have pissed into my open mouth."

Three Eye on Stoke journalists have received accreditation for the Olympic football competition, but that isn't enough for Eye on Stoke contributor Dave Murray. "No-one's bothered about the footy, we want tickets for the 100m dash. They may as well as farted into my open mouth," he says.

100 Not Out!

Local old woman Doris Ahmed reached her 100th birthday yesterday, and celebrated with booze, cigarettes and male strippers!

Doris thinks she reached 100 because she still likes to live well: "I still look after myself. Every day, I have a small bottle of whiskey and a packet of fags."

Son Barry, aged 62, who lives in a caravan in Bentilee, said: "Mum used to enjoy clubbing and was a bit of a character around Hanley's trendy nightspots. She would go out often and would party with quite a lot of people. She would sometimes be gone on benders for days at a time. She was voted Stoke's 'Mum of the Year' on 3 occasions."

Care home manager Lynn Garner said: "Everyone at the home would like to wish Doris a very happy birthday. And thank her for the strippers."