Last Chance To Steal From BHS

Stokies have been warned that with the city's branch of BHS to close soon, there won't be many more chances to shoplift from the store.

"I first stole from BHS in the 1930s," Stoke centenarian Frank Jobs remembers. "I had no interest in stealing from anywhere else, it's like a tradition round here."

Such is the widespread nature of stealing from the store, stealing something or getting it for free in the city has become known as "paying the BHS price".

"Maybe everyone just stealing stuff from BHS instead of paying for it is why they're going out of business," retail expert Rebecca Gingle said. "Just putting the idea out there."

Stokie Urges Stronger Welsh Links

Barry Tandy from Longton has urged Stoke City Council to forge stronger ties with the Welsh island Barry Island.

"If Stoke could twin itself with Barry Island, that would literally be superb," Tandy said. "A free trade agreement would be a good start, but I'm hoping for more."

Tandy denies that he only wants closer ties with the Welsh island, famous for being populated entirely with people called Barry, purely because of his name.

"The idea that I would make all this effort purely to further the Barry cause is slanderous, or maybe libellous, I don't know the difference," Barry said. "My lawyer, Barry Shenton, will be keeping an eye on social media and local blogs for such lies."

Royal Bank Of Stoke Tax Evasion

One of Stoke's biggest banks, the Royal Bank of Stoke, has admitted using HSBC’s Swiss accounts as a way of avoiding tax.

"A few years ago, we announced pre-tax profits of £100 billion, with post-tax profits being exactly the same number. Nobody said anything at the time or thought anything off about that so we carried on doing it," the bank said in a statement published in the classified section of the Sentinel.

The bank, which has the royal seal of approval from the monarchy of Uzbekistan, has promised to start paying some tax once it gets its accounts in order.

"Most of our accountants now live in Switzerland, so communicating with them is a problem," Hanley branch manager Tek Grimley explained. "When they're back over here visiting though, we'll set them to work right away on setting up the tax stuff."

Condom Sales Fall For Valentines

Sales of condoms in the city have fallen sharply in the run up to Valentine's Day, the city council has said.

"Most men know their women are gonna put out anyway, so now's as good a time as ever to try to talk her into letting them have a go without saddling up," relation expert and EYE ON STOKE columnist Uncle Terry commented. "And while they're at it, may as well try to pop it up t'other as well."

"Most condoms sold in the city are used as balloons anyway," full time cynic Jim Schrute said. "This means nothing."

Shopkeep Surprised By Sales Rise

Local retailer Cedric Nentertainer has expressed bemusement at the recent upturn in sales of various gifts at his shop.

"For some reason, I'm getting a rush on flowers and chocolates," he said. "I've sold fuck all lately too. These people are idiots. The flowers are gonna wilt if they're not in the ground. And this is not planting season."

Shopkeep Bemused By Turkey Sales

Local shopkeep Cedric Nentertainer has expressed surprise at a recent upturn of sales of turkey at his store.

"It's really most bizarre," he said. "I've sold fuck all turkeys all year, then all of a sudden people are buying them like crazy. I can't break their necks fast enough. I don't know what has gotten into people."

Scamps Merchandise

Port Vale have officially unveiled their Christmas merchandise range for 2014, a must for all fans of the club.

The highlight is a new range of fragrances for men and women, which include 'Micky Apres Dark' (Pour Homme) and 'Micky Erotique' (Pour Femme), a pair of fragrances by former Scamps manager Micky Adams, and 'Foyle Infinity', which is for both men and women.

Also available will be unofficial Lego figure play sets for all of the Vale's managers, including John Rudge and Brian Horton. The John Rudge set comes with a knife for stabbing Vale fans in the back with, a cement mixer and a spaceship.

Jewellery, clothes and wallpapers designed by famous Scamps fan "Fingers" Phil Taylor are rumoured to be coming in the new year.

Shopkeep Bemused By Sales Trends

Stoke shopkeep Cedric Nentertainer has expressed surprise at a recent upturn of sales of knitwear at his store.

"It's most bizarre," he said. "I've sold little in the way of knitted goods all year, then all of a sudden people are buying anything made of the stuff. I can't stock it fast enough. I really don’t know what has gotten into people."

Wish You Were Here?

Burslem has copyrighted and trademarked the phrase "The English Riviera" as it bids to become one of the country's top holiday hotspots.

"Everyone knows us as the English Riviera anyway, this just cements the deal," Mayor of Burslem Frank Goober announced to crowds outside of Burslem Town Hall. "We have big plans."

Those plans include the building of statues of Robbie Williams and Jonathan Wilkes hugging and a giant hotel in the shape of a Pokéball.

"With these, we will pretty much have all tourism bases covered when added to what we already have in the town," Mayor Goober explained.

Stoke Wins Commonwealth Games Contract

Athletes from the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent may not be able to compete in the Commonwealth Games because of its declaration of independence from the UK and Commonwealth in 1974, but an entrepreneur from the city has won the contract to be the official gun supplier to the games!

"I've recently come into the possession of several pistols," Simon Gump explained. "The people I was going to sell them to have had to go away for a few years so I was at a loose end. As soon as I saw the Commonwealth Games were coming, I saw my chance."

Simon's guns will be used as starter pistols at the games, currently taking place in Glasgow in Northern England, as well as being back-up guns in the shooting events.

"I also told them I could have gotten hold of steroids for the athletes too but they weren't interested," Simon added. "I think someone else must have got that contract."

Sir Cliff's Still Got It

Poundland in the Potteries Centre has released its sales figures for its 2014 calendar line, and the clear winner is Sir Cliff Richard.

"Once women have a good gawp, they say, actually, he's in pretty good shape," Poundland sales girl Erin Hannon said. "Then they start to nod to themselves and buy the calendar."

"Sir Cliff is just the kind of man you can take home to your mum," shopper Jenny Bomb adds. "Because she's probably fancied him since the 50s and would still have a go on him if they could."

Chavs Happy With Apple Deal

The SUC (Stoke Union of Chavs) has literally given its thumbs up to the reported deal by monstrous electronics firm Apple to buy headphone firm Beats Electronics (aka: Beats By Dr. Dre, not to be confused with Beasts By Dre, an unrelated company based in Stoke specialising in taxidermy).

"The SUC has given its seal of approval to both Apple and the Beats range, so we see this as a pretty much perfect deal," spokesman Steve Gump said. "Everyone's a winner. Apart from the American taxman of course, but we say: fuck him and fuck tha police."

The Stoke Pretentious Society is unmoved by the deal. "Meh," spokesman Barnaby Pardew said. "They're both companies that sell overpriced tat to idiots. We've got more important things to worry about."

The deal will make Dr. Dre the richest person in hip hop, though a former member of staff at Singlepoint (part of the Phones4U group before its takeover by Vodaphone) claims that John Caudwell wants to release a rap album, which would see him be the richest.

Holidaymakers Fury

Holidaymakers from Stoke have literally vented their spleens at what they described as a mis-selling of holidays by travel agents.

"We went to Club Tropicana, which is located in an unspecified Mediterranean country," Mick Transfats said. "Not only were the drinks not free, but there was also not enough fun and sunshine for everyone either. I'm fuming."

Ted's Holidays in Birches Head denies any wrongdoing. "Tish, fipsy and bullshit," said a spokewoman.

If you have a problem with a holiday, you are advised to contact a TV show such as 'This Morning'. If that doesn't work then you should contact a trade association that covers your travel agents.

2013 Review: Part III

July

North Longton, Stoke's most controversial ward, announced that it had renamed itself as just Longton. "We see this as an act of war," said a South Longton spokesman in response. South Longton retaliated by renaming itself Longton too. "This is an act of war," a (North) Longton spokesman responded. The stand-off continued for the rest of the year.

August

Hanley Library started paying people to rent out books, but denied that it was simply a publicity stunt. "People will be paid when they return the books," explained library spokeswoman Gertrude Clinch. "But they have to do a test first so we can make sure they've read it. This is solely to make people read more."

September

A study by Staffordshire University found that 22.5% of all vending machine space in Stoke is taken up by cans of Irn Bru. "Aye, that sounds about right," Stoke's Chamber of Commerce spokesman Ted Chippington confirmed. "We don't know how or why it's so much, but it works and is what keeps Stoke going so it's best left unexplained."

Bank Posts Profit

The Royal Bank of Stoke has posted a profit of 27 pence for the first half of the financial year.

"We're overjoyed with these results," says CEO Phil Oobies. "Following our record losses last year of 45 pence, we're glad to be back in the black. All profits will be reinvested in the business to help stimulate further growth."

Money Saving Tips

With money mad Ted Gash

Ted's Crazy Paving in Birches Head is offering to crazy pave the back of your terraced house for half price if you get the get the front done. Bargain!

Boots in Hanley is having a special offer: buy one box of condoms, get one free. I personally prefer to ride bareback (unless I'm with a hooker of course!) as I find it cheaper and more pleasurable, but if you're the sort to saddle up, then this offer is for you.

What's that? You had an accident? Guess what - it wasn't your fault! Ted's Lawyers in Birches Head will aggessively pursue legal action against anyone for very reasonable rates. Call them now and tell them who you want to sue.

Unethical Shopping Increasing

Shoppers in Stoke are three times more likely to buy environmentally-destroying products than they were in 2010, according to a new survey.

The response goes against national trends, where fair trade and organic products are on the rise.

"I'm sick of all these namby pampy 'fair trade' products flooding the shelves," says shopper Jimbo Klink. "I refuse to buy them point blank. End of."

"All I care about is making sure I've got enough beer and drug money at the weekend," says single mum Karlee Frencher. "Fuck Africa."

Money Saving Expertise

With business and finance expert Ted Gash

Ted's Oatcakes in Birches Head are having a buy-one-get-one-free deal on pikelets this coming Tuesday. I'd stock up, buy about twenty or thirty.

It's the weekend and you want your cocaine to go that bit further. Why not cut some aspirin in with it? You can get a tub of 24 tablets for around 30 pence at Wilko's in Hanley and the buzz isn't affected too much.

Loan shark Wonga has been in the news a lot lately. Why not take advantage by taking out a loan with them via their website, blow it all on a holiday with the lads/lasses to Kavos then declare yourself bankrupt? Ted's Lawyers in Birches Head are helping to declare people bankrupt for just £10 a go throughout August.

Stoke Success At Glastonbury

If you go around to your dealer's place this weekend looking to score some "charlie", "whizz" or "fozzies", don't be surprised to find they're not home. No, it's not because the rozzers have taken them in, it's because Stoke has won the contract to be the official drugs supplier to the Glastonbury festival.

Live at Glastonbury, right now

"We sell our stuff at a fraction of the price that our colleagues down in that London do," explains drug dealing union spokesman Kev Wimper. "And we're a lot less likely to stab you too."

"This shows that businesses in Stoke are robust in the face of economic struggles," says city council business tsar James Wilkes.

Councillor Promises Crackdown

City councillor Jinky Watkins has vowed to come down hard on people who double-dip at cash machines.

"This is a real problem affecting daily life," said the councillor at a press conference. "This week I've been stuck behind idiots at ATMs on three different occasions where they've used two or more cards while there's a big queue of people waiting behind them. It's ridiculous. And they only get like £10 out on every card, just get £30 on one card you selfish fucktards."

Cllr Watkins says he will write a strongly worded letter to banks in the city telling them to cut it out.