New Port Vale Shirt Is A White Fruit Of The Loom T-Shirt

Port Vale unveiled their new kit for the forthcoming season today to a wave of outrage when it was discovered that it is just a white Fruit of the Loom t-shirt that normally retails for around £3.

The £50 shirt, that comes with a club badge you have to sew on yourself, was shown at a press conference at Vale Park to fans and journalists, and described as a "back to basics" approach.

"This shirt shows the purity of the Vale," club managing director Tony Bates-Hulse announced. "We are the only clean and honest team in this majestic city, not at all like that dirty lot up the road with their unnatural stripes and naked headbutt fights in showers."

Vale also announced that stand alone versions of the recently unleashed new club badge will retail for £99 just in case anyone had any fruity ideas about just sewing one onto another t-shirt and ripping off the club.

"This is a flipping outrage," fan Kiki Fuchs said. "I didn't vote for Brexit to get ripped off like this by my own type. This is the kind of thing you expect from that lot of scroungers from Eastern Europe, not from fellow white Brits."

Bates-Hulse added that it was too late to change now as the club had already taken delivery of two million of the shirts and it was too difficult to return them all.

Stokestarter

A Stoke City fan has set up a kickstarter fund to raise money to create transfer rumours linking Shaun Wright-Phillips with a move to the Pottermusses.

"This is the first transfer window for 6 years where SWP hasn't been linked to Stoke," Terry Wendy writes on the page. "Help me rectify this by giving me enough money to be able to quit my job as a solicitor so that I can focus my time entirely on creating rumours of him joining Stoke this summer."

The fund has so far raised £95,000 of the £125,000 target goal, with 7 more days to go. Stretch goals at £150,000 include a rap song about the diminutive winger and a mock up poster of him tying up Marko Arnautovic's topknot to all backers.

Wright-Phillips currently plays for New York Red Bulls in the USA of A, where he averages a goal every 19 games.

Vale Announce New Club Badge

Local Endsleigh League team Port Vale FC have unveiled a new club badge ahead of the forthcoming football season.

Featuring symbols representing the club and its hometown of Burslem, the crest was designed by noted local artist Colin Muntford, best known for his statues of giant pigeons that adorn the streets and rooftops of Tunstall.

"This is the commission of a lifetime," Muntford told cheering Vale fans from the centre circle of Vale Park ahead of a pre-season friendly against Real Madrid. "I've got Vale in my blood, heart and gametes! Up the Scamps!"

The new badge will feature on the new Vale strip to be announced soon, as well as all official merchandise and letterheads.

Crouchy Hopeful Of England Recall

With the appointment of Sam "Big Sam Allardyce" Allardyce as the new England manager, insiders say that Stoke City legend Peter Crouch is hopeful of a recall to the national side.

"Big Sam likes to play aerial football," local football writer Dave Stevens explained. "As Crouchy is the proverbial head-on-a-stick, he would be perfectly suited to the style of play."

"Crouchy was outstanding last season," a member of Crouch's dance crew told EYE ON STOKE. "The stats of 2 goals in 18 games don't tell the whole story. He brought glamour to the Stoke dressing room, busted some new dance moves and inspired a generation, things few other players can boast."

Crouch last played for England in 2010, the year Leslie Nielsen died.

Skipper Grateful To The Boss

Stoke City soccer star Terry Skipper has opened up about his recent off-field problems.

In an emotional interview, that drove most who witnessed it to TEARS, Skipper said: "I won't go on about the specifics of my problems, literally everyone knows what they were, I don't need to go on about them anymore."

"I was at my lowest ebb," he continued. "Even lower than that time that video came out of me roasting those ladyboys with my posse while racially abusing them. Or the time I chucked some rotten eggs at a group of spastics. This was worse, but as I said, I don't want to keep going on about it, no-one wants to hear anymore about it."

"I went over to New Jersey and spent some time with 'the boss', Bruce Springsteen. He really helped me get myself together and move forward."

Kuntz Torn, But Happy

Gunther Kuntz

Stoke City 0-1 West Brom Baggies

The world's number one Tony Pulis lookalike, Gunther Kuntz, has declared himself happy with the result of yesterday's game at The Brit, but is sad for Stoke.

"I was Stoke fan for much years, so ja, I see both sides of the pastry on this one," Gunther said at the post-match press conference. "I am most happy for Tony. He deserve the luck."

Pulis's job was made much easier when Stoke had two players sent off in the first half, both of whom were foreigners.

"I was touched by the reaction Tony got from the Stoke fans before the game," Gunther added, referring to the standing ovation for the former Stoke and current Baggies manager. "Tony milked those teets for all of the love, I think it made the Stoke fans and players lose an edge or two, helping the Baggies win."

Stoke To Go Swiss For The Day

Stoke City Council has announced that the city will "go Swiss" for the day this Saturday to celebrate the arrival of Swiss footballer Xherdan Shaqiri to the club.

"Xherdy is a top, top lad," city councillor Jinky Watkins said. "It's fitting to welcome him to the city by sharing his Swiss heritage with the rest of the plebs who live here."

The celebration is being timed to coincide with Shaqiri's debut for the club away to Norwich City.

"Even though Stoke are away from home this Saturday, Stokies will get to do traditional Swiss things like eating fondue and drinking absinthe. Stoke will also go neutral for the day and not go to war with anyone," Cllr Watkins added. "We will also have a massive welcome card for Xherdy propped up against the Stanley Matthews statue in Hanley for people to sign."

Transfer Gossip

Stoke City haven't been linked with Shaun Wright-Phillips this summer, something that soccerball fans are not happy about.

"It's become a tradition for us to be linked with the diminutive winger then not sign him," Stoke fan Gary Hammers said. "I don't know why it's not happening. He's out of contract, it would be easier than ever to link us to him, I don't know why no newspapers have made it up yet."

Former Stoke gaffer Tony Pulis, now manager of West Boing Baggies Brom, is a long term admirer of former Chelsea striker Didier Drogba, carrying a picture of the Ivorian in his wallet at all times. Drogba has been spotted in a chip shop in West Bromwich, fuelling rumours TP could finally get his man.

Port Vale are looking to shore up their canteen this summer and have been linked with an audacious move for Stanley Matthews Academy dinnerlady Phyllis Funk. "Phyllis serves an excellent mashed potato, something the Scamps are looking to bring to the club." A transfer fee of £500,000 is rumoured.

Wayne Biggins Winners

The monthly winners of the official Wayne Biggins drawing competition have been announced, and here they are.

"Hot Tub Tit Machine" by Mick Fadden

In first place is "Hot Tub Tit Machine" by Mick Fadden from Stockton Brook. He wins a signed picture of the man himself, a white Vauxhall Nova and entrance to the yearly champion of champions competition.

"Britannia Waynium" by Scott Barker

Second place is Scott Barker, with his picture "Britannia Waynium". Scott wins a year's supply of pikelets, courtesy of Munton's Pikelets.

"Portrait Of The Biggins As A Young Man" by Bev Collies

Third place is "Portrait Of The Biggins As A Young Man" by Bev Collies. Bev wins a date with a leading Wayne lookalike, after which she will be expected to put out.

"LL Cool Wayne" by Chris Beastall

In fourth place is "LL Cool Wayne" by Chris Beastall, aged 37. He wins nothing.

Cockneys Anger At Stoke Fans

Angry West Ham football fans have bombarded internet message boards with angry messages following last weekend's 1-1 draw with Stoke City.

The cockneys are angry that Stoke fans sang songs claiming sexual relations between cockney legend Saint Bobby Moore and famous pervert Sir Jimmy Savile.

"You're out of order, you slags," one cockney, Terry Nigels wrote.

"Fack right awf, you mugs," another cockney, Terry Punchcock, added.

"Apples 'n' pears, apples 'n' pears," Terry Pigmounter added. "Guv'nor. Cam to my gaff again spoutin' this bollocks and I'll cut yar facking nuts off, yer muppets."

Stoker AM

Stoke City fans prepared for their inevitable victory over Chelsea FC today by invading the TV studios of 'Soccer AM' on Sky Sports.

Wearing Stoke's traditional red and white stripe shirts, representing the club's beginnings as a hairdressers before becoming a football club, the lads from Stoke joined celebrity guests John Leguizamo, Mario Melchiot and some Man City fans or other no-one cares about.

One of the lucky fans even got to have eggs cracked over his head by Mario and John, every pervert's dream.

2014 Review: May

The football season finished with Stoke City in a respectable 9th place and Fegg Hayes Vikings as champions. Port Vale went out in the early rounds but could still make the InterToto cup if other teams are kicked out for cheating.

Hurricane Leeanne swept up the River Trent, causing tidal waves which destroyed many of the new beachfront properties built at tax payers expense just days earlier, none of which had planning permission, been insured or sold.

Adams Leaves Scamps

Port Vale manager Micky Adams, 52, has left his role at the club with mutual consent, with it being rumoured he is going to pursue a career in dance.

"Micky is a beautiful classical dancer, in some ways more beautiful than the football his teams play, if that's possible," Scamps fan Dave Murray said at Micky's leaving party. "I've seen many performances, they always bring me to horrible tears."

Adams, 55, who was rumoured to be the highest paid manager in English football on £10 million per year, is also rumoured to be on the verge of announcing the creation of his own dance company, Micky & Co.

"I don't think Micky's 59-year-old heart is with the Vale anymore," Murray added. "It's with the Lake. Swan Lake."

Pottermusses Beat Human Rights Abusers, World Rejoices

Stoke City fans have been celebrating over the weekend after beating Premier League champions Manchester City 1-0 away from home.

New signing Mame Biram Diouf scored the winning goal at the end of a 70 yard run making the Mancs, known as "Citeh" or "the human rights abusers", look stupid in the process.

"I fucking hate Citeh," Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed said. "To figuratively go to their gaff, pull their pants down and tickle their balls right in front of their ugly, slack-jawed fans is one of the great joys of life. We were literally 'mad for it'. Our kid. Etc."

Rugby Fan Admits Error

Tab Brownlee, one of the few rugby fans in Stoke, has admitted the error of his ways and started to like football instead.

"If I'm honest, I said I liked rugby once just to be awkward," the events planner from Stockton Brook said. "It became a thing people associated with me so I just kept up the lie."

Tab has already bought some official Stoke City socks and pants and hopes to attend his first football match this season.

"Living a lie for so long is tiring," Tab admits. "I'm looking forward to relaxing and enjoying sport for a change."

Pulis Hates Cockneys

Stoke City management legend Tony Pulis has stunned the football world by leaving Crystal Palace after only ten months as their gaffer.

"Even though I'm a Scamps [Port Vale] fan, I love and admire Pulis," Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board said. "Though no reason has been given, I think we all know why; it's because TP has grown to hate London and its filthy Cockney inhabitants."

"London is a viper's nest full of tricksters, thieves and whores," Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed added. "And that's just the nice ones. I'm amazed Tony lasted this long to be honest. I'd have gone on a killing spree after ten months in that shithole."

Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz has been contacted for his reaction but is too shocked to speak.

In Profile: Bojan

Stoke City's big signing of the Summer has been forward Bojan, but how much do we know about the diminutive Spaniard? Let's take a look.

Full Name: Bojangles Barry Krkic

Born: 28 August 1990, Linyola (Spain)

Former Clubs: Barcelona, Roma, AC Milan (loan), Ajax (loan)

Career Games: 280

Career Goals: 66

Favourite TV: Foyle's War

Favourite Film: Weekend At Bernie's

Favourite Album: Phil Collins - "...Hits"

Favourite Kardashian: Khloe

Party Trick: Can fit his entire fist in his mouth

Biggins Takes Over Tumblr

Stoke City football legend Wayne Biggins has had his fair share of fan clubs and fanzines in his time, but now, he is set to conquer a whole new territory: Tumblr!

http://waynebiggins.tumblr.com

A new Tumblr page dedicated to "the original white Pele" has been set up called The Legend of Wayne Biggins, which you can access via the link above. It has proved a sensation with fans old and new and is fast becoming the go-to site for Wayne fans.

Praise For Pulis

Gunther Kuntz

World leading Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz has praised the former Stoke manager for keeping new club Crystal Palace in the Premier League after looking certain for relegation before he took over.

"Tony has done good, ja," Gunther wrote in his official blog. "He prove himself the man, the main man of this league."

Gunther also awarded Tony his award for manager of the year for a sixth straight season.

"Fully deserved is this award for Tony," Gunther added. "He will have to work hard to win it again, but I believe in Tony."

Stoke Name Player Of The Year

Terry Skipper has been named the player of the year for Stoke City after a season that saw the Pottermusses amass a record points total in the Premier League.

"The lads have done good this season, you know," Skipper said after today's game against West Brom. "I really think, you know, we can go even more better next season, you know."

"The award if fully deserved," season ticket holder Doris Ahmed said about the inside left half who can also fill in as goalkeeper or manager. "The boy done good. Hopefully it won't go to his head and he starts roasting local glamour models with his mates or releasing rap singles or something."