City Council Approves Name Changes

Stoke City Council has approved a bunch of name changes for many roads and places in the city.

Sir Jimmy Savile Road, in Boothen, will be renamed Angry Pulis Avenue, and Jimmy Savile Street in Tunstall will now be known as Ted Hankey Street. The Sir Jimmy Savile Memorial Garden in Etruria will keep its name until a suitable local celebrity dies.

Stuart Hall Street in Burslem is to be known as Wayne Biggins Street, and Max Clifford View in Trentham is to be renamed as Peter Crouch End. Dr Fox Road in Bentilee has temporarily been renamed Foxy Bingo Road pending the outcome of police enquiries. Rolf Harris Road in Shelton is now Brian Blessed Road.

The city council has confirmed that it has no plans though to change the names of Cliff Richard Road, Sir Cliff Street, Sir Cliff Richard Avenue, Bachelor Boy Botanical Gardens, Devil Woman Street, Living Doll Road or Sir Cliff Cliff. "Innocent until proven guilty," council spokesman Jinky Watkins explains. "And we all know Sir Cliff didn't do it. We can rest easy on this one."

Lampard To Stoke?

Could mockney soccer star Frank Lampard be on his way to Stoke City?

Rumours are spreading all over the internet like a bad sex rash that the private school-educated midfielder has been spotted house-hunting in Etruria.

"Lampard would be a perfect fit for Stoke," says Pottermusses fan Doris Ahmed, 100. "He's used to playing the long ball style of tactics we employ and, if his past is anything to go by, he would like the loose morals of Stoke girls."

Lampard, whose contract with Chelsea expires this summer, has yet to comment on a proposed move to Stoke.

2012 Review: May

May started on a downer for Stokies when Etruria nuclear power station exploded, leading to the deaths of over half of Stoke's population. A powerful tribute graffiti mural has been painted at the site of Stoke's newest nuclear power station in Trent Vale to those who tragically lost their lives.

Meanwhile, local computer hacker Tez Littledyke won his high profile extradition case at Fenton Magistrates Court. The Scottish Assembly had wanted him extradited to the country after he hacked into their website and accessed information such as the secret ingredients for Irn Bru and Scotland's WMD capabilities.

Carnival Time In Stoke!

23 April is always the biggest party day of the year in Stoke, and yesterday was no exception!

Normally held to celebrate St George's Day, this year's Stoke Carnival also celebrated the 30th anniversary of the ZX Spectrum home computer, still year-on-year the biggest selling computer in Stoke.

The carnival passes through Burslem,
amongst other places...

Even in a time of economic crisis, numbers are expected to be up – largely boosted by domestic tourism. Some 720,000 revellers are thought to have attended yesterday, a slight increase over last year's 710,000.

Massive ranks of seating and barriers are constructed along the route taken by competing street dance crews. The crews start major dress rehearsals (superb parties in themselves) after Christmas (having been practicing since last carnival's end!). In Stoke-upon-Trent, in the massive purpose-built buildings where the floats are prepared, preparations are underway months in advance and there are even international volunteering organisations bringing people to Stoke specifically to help set up infrastructure for the carnival.

...and ends in Hanley with a mass tribute to
Peter Crouch's famous robot dance

This year's carnival was a relatively peaceful affair, enjoyed by all. Only 32 stabbings and 15 deaths were reported, a new record low for the festival. Peter Crouch and Anthea Turner were named this year's King and Queen of the Carnival!

5 Pensioners Taken To Hospital After Illegal Street Race Crash Disaster Mayhem

Ambulance crews were called to the scene of a crash in Festival Park in the early hours of the morning after a mobility scooter collided with a wall.

Five pensioners were taken to the University Hospital of North Staffordshire following the crash during an illegal street race at 2.15am.

Four ambulances, a paramedic officer in a rapid response vehicle and a trauma doctor were sent to the scene.

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said: "Ambulance crews responded to a mobility scooter in collision with a wall at Festival Park during the early hours of this morning.  A female driver of the mobility scooter was treated for chest and leg injuries. A further female suffered a pelvic injury. Both patients were taken to hospital. Three other patients, a male and two females, were treated for minor injuries and were also taken to hospital for further assessment and treatment. These illegal street races need to stop. Pensioners are out of control in Stoke-on-Trent. I propose martial law."

In Focus: Etruria

Etruria is located in the centre of Stoke, west of Hanley.

No-one knows where the name Etruria come from, or has ever tried to find out.

During the Middle Ages, deposits of slag, sequins and non-precious gems were discovered in Etruria.

The 1986 National Back Yard Festival was held in the area now known as Festival Park (or “Fezzie Park” as locals call it). Previously wasteland and closed down mines, the area was regenerated because of the festival and now has a Toys 'R' Us, McDonald's and a Quasar.

The Stoke area's first "skyscraper", a three-story opium den, was built in Etruria in 1806.

Joan Baez recorded her debut album at a folk club in Etruria in 1959.

In Etruria, it is against the law to be drunk and in possession of a badger.

Etruria is home to 22% of all restaurants in Stoke, including menus from 50 different countries. Future North Vietnamese revolutionary leader Ho Chi Minh worked as a chef in a Vietnamese restaurant in Etruria in 1919 where he developed his interest in communism.

Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Local Film Critic Goes Missing

It has been reported that local film critic David Murray has gone missing.

Police are appealing for information on the film critic who was last seen on Wednesday 29 February when he left Quasar at Festival Park, stating his intention to return the next day. He reportedly told a worker there: "I'll be back... Tomorrow." He failed to return and was reported missing today.

Local namesake, Dave Murray (of the Cobridge Tourist Board), is surprised. "I always thought I'd be the first David Murray round here to go missing," he said. "I guess it just wasn't meant to be."

Mr Murray is renowned as a film critic, with the average score he gives to films he sees being a world class 4/5.

Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks is also surprised at the reported disappearance. "For a David to go missing today, on St David's Day, the day celebrating the patron saint of Davids everywhere, is truly bizarre. What are the chances? And on a Thursday, when film critics get to see press screenings of films? This is like the Whitney Houston lookalike situation all over again. But different, obviously."

Mr Murray habitually wears a bowtie and monocle and may be wearing green trousers, a dark green jacket and red shoes.

Lottery Winner Vows To "Piss It All Away"

After winning over £1.4 million on the National Lottery at the weekend, Bentilee resident Phil Umney has vowed to spend, spend, spend! "Booze, coke, hookers, not necessarily in that order," said Mr Umney of his spending plans.

"I've always dreamed of pissing away a fortune," he said to reporters this morning at Ca$hino, a gaming venue at Festival Park. "I'm gonna blow it all then go back on the dole," he added.

Phil and ex-girlfriend Donna

Phil has already dumped his girlfriend of three years, Donna. "I'm as sick as a parrot," she said. "We had a five year plan, which involved bringing through some of our own youngsters eventually, but that won't happen now."

Phil is unrepentant. "She was a bit dumpy if I'm being honest. I can do way better now I've got cash. It's all about the benjamins."

Stoke's Grit Teams Work Hard To Fight Big Freeze

More than 1,000 grammes of salt has been scattered on Stoke's main routes to help keep traffic moving. But pavements and some side roads remained untreated yesterday as cars slid into each other and pedestrians took painful tumbles on treacherous surfaces, much to the amusement of onlookers.

Earlier plans to pour hot water onto the ice have been abandoned after it was discovered that the water would later freeze again and make matters worse.

Conditions meant one gritting lorry became stuck in the McDonald's Drive-Through at Festival Park, and help was needed by nearby boy racers to free it. And the driver of another truck, off work on sick leave, told his bosses that in 16 years of doing the job he had never seen conditions like it and was glad he was not at work during the bad weather.

Firefighters had to cut free an injured woman from her mobility scooter which had skidded on black ice and hit a row of prostitutes in Cobridge.

Cob Crooks, head of leisure pusuits and board games at the city council, defended leaving some pavements untreated despite hundreds turning up at A&E after suffering falls. "I had crews out from 10am until 11am yesterday. We had two drivers on call during that time, both of whom offered to give up their lunch break during that hour, in exchange for double pay."

In Hanley East, Ray Muncher, BNP councillor for dry cleaning services, said: "Roads that council elders and councillors live on were given priority to be salted regularly. Any salt left over may be used on roads near to busy pubs or schools. The gritting crews have done us proud. City council elders were able to attend a hog roast last night without problems."

The conditions have led to renewed calls for the city council to take more action. Housewife Kaz Jinky, a 18-year-old mother-of-four from Tunstall, watched as a man dived out of his van as it slid out of control. "The white van had lost control and was coming down sideways and the driver jumped out of the door and fell into dog poo. It was funny, but I've still made several telephone calls to the council anyways to pour more hot water on the pavements and roads, but they haven't done anything about it."

Timmy Cockburn, who runs Cockburn Crazy Paving, decided to give the council a helping hand by standing on a street corner and shouting at people. "The roads were treacherous and we saw quite a few people falling over. It was so funny I almost shat myself."