2016 Review: February

Valentine's Day in Stoke normally means one thing: riots! By angry young men! But this year, the riots never happened, as Stoke was hit by a series of tidal waves that quite literally washed the scum from the streets, and left the city under 30 feet of water. In the aftermath, Stoke reverted to a sea-based pirate culture where only the strongest and most vicious survived.

Elsewhere, a human shit in an adult playground in Fegg Hayes was discovered with the face of Jesus in it. A religious community was formed around the shit, leading to a shanty town being built at the site to house the Christians and their icon. A holy war broke out between the Christians and local heathens, costing the lives of thousands, which only ended when someone accidentally stepped on the shit.

Fegg Hayes Airfield

Fegg Hayes Airfield is a former wartime US Army Air Forces airfield used during WW2. It is now abandoned and used mainly as a hangout for layabouts, chavs and – occasionally – scroungers.

The airfield is located through the hedge behind the statue of Betty Paige on Humps Road in eastern Fegg Hayes. It was used by passing squadrons from early 1944 until June 1945 as a resupply point and "booty drop zone".

Fegg Hayes Airfield

Despite this, the leaders of what was then known as the Peoples Republic of Stoke declared that no Stokie women actually got pregnant by any of the American guests during the war.

"Aye, I looked after a few of the airmen when I wasn't on the frontline myself," land girl and royal marine Kaylee Hulse, now 98, said. "But their American gametes were much too weak to penetrate our tough working class Stokie ovaries, so they didn't get through thankfully. Everyone was a winner."

Bogdor Library

The Bogdor Library, situated just north of the Fegg Hayes Royal Botanical Gardens, is a rare example of a British 16th Century parish library.

Founded in around 1585 by Sir Bog Dorkins, it was established to provide an education for the choir boys of the local church, St Doug The Destroyers. It was later given to the church on a 750 year lease.

A large portion of the library still exists to this day and provides an insight into scholarship, religion and kiddy porn excused as art.

Most of the library's treasures are pictures of choir boys, in various states of athletic action and undress.

A definitive history of the Bogdor Library can be found in the book 'My choir boy likes to party all the time!' by Professor Hannah Stump-Bunting.

New Bus Timetables

First Midlands has unveiled its new bus timetables and routes for the city, which will go into effect from tomorrow.

The biggest change is that all bus routes will now pass through Fegg Hayes and all bus drivers will have to wear the official new First uniform, which is a Pottermus onesie.

"We're not happy about this," bus driver union spokesman Keith Bepden said. "Aside from looking ridiculous, the uniforms are completely unsuitable for driving in. A driver shouldn't have to worry about being able to see the road or oncoming traffic through the mouth hole of a big hippo suit."

"Easy now," rival First spokesman Tengy Bapfeet replied. "This company is a symbol and representation of Stoke in public transport form, and nothing says Stoke like Pottermus. The uniforms are here to stay, we've had great feedback from customers. Fuck the drivers, the stuck up bastards."

Couples Charity Drive

Several couples from Fegg Hayes have got together to help raise money for a local children's charity, the Little Tommy Trust.

The wife swappers will be hosting a free-for-all party this Friday at Fegg Hayes Town Hall, with a £10 entry fee.

Singles are encouraged to join in the fun too. "This is for a good cause so we don't want to discriminate," organiser Barry Hotcakes said. "It's what Little Tommy would have wanted if he hadn't been mauled to death."

Robbie Williams's Wife Shits Out Another Kid

Congratulations to famous Stokie Robbie Williams, whose foreign wife Ayda has given birth to the couple's second nipper.

How Mrs Williams got pregnant is not yet clear, though it may have involved unprotected SEX, possibly by a roaring fireplace in a rustic mansion, or possibly down an alleyway in Fegg Hayes. The involvement of Jonathan Wilkes is not yet clear.

January Transfer Window Gossip

Stoke City

The Pottermusses have been linked with a string of big name signings, including Shaun Wright-Phillips, who has been linked with Stoke for a club record tenth straight transfer window. Now that former guv'nor Tony Pulis has found another job as Crystal Palace manager, Stoke are looking into bringing him back in a non-managerial role which would require him to sit on the bench looking gruff, to annoy the London club and to scare opposition managers.

Fegg Hayes Vikings

The Vikings's mega billionaire owner Bilal Sakander has launched audacious bids of £100 million for Lionel Messi, £125 million for Cristiano Ronaldo and £1 for Frank Lampard. "I expect them all to be accepted," Sakander told shoppers at the Potteries Centre, which he owns.

Port Vale

The Scamps have targeted the PA address system of local rivals Kidsgrove Gumps. "It's ready for the big time," manager Micky Adams was overheard saying. A bid for the corner flags at Leek Town have been turned down but the Scamps are expected to come back with a bigger offer. With planning permission granted by Stoke City Council for the Sentinel Stand to be crazy-paved, Scamps scouts will be searching the lower leagues for suitable crazy paving to take on loan with a view to a permanent transfer.

2013 Review: Part IV

October
Bilal Sakander, owner of local soccer team Fegg Hayes Vikings, unveiled a statue of Sir Cliff Richard outside of the club's 90,000 seater ground, The Hanley Economic Stadium. "Anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off to Crewe," Sakander told Vikings fans who protested the statue. It was commissioned after Sakander paid Sir Cliff a reported £1.5 million for a private concert at his palace in Dubai. "Sir Cliff is a national institution and will bring good luck to the team," Sakander added. The statue proved to be a lucky charm as the Vikings won their next game 12-3 against local rivals Kidsgrove Killers.

November

Judges in Stoke got together to form a new group committed to cutting crime in the city. "The judicial system in Stoke has failed," said Judge Barnaby Booty outside of Fenton Magistrates Court. "We shall take matters into our own hands." The new group will hunt down and give punishment it deems fair to crims who are found not guilty at trial but obviously are guilty.

December

Local saint Gary Spanners decided to cheer up children at a Trentham hospice by dressing up as Santa and giving out gifts he had purchased or made himself. The convicted paedophile, whose 10 year spell on the sex offenders register had recently come to an end, was watched at all times. "We'll be keeping an eye on him," hospice spokeswoman Kaz Starburst told reporters. "No bad can possibly come from this."

Stoke’s Oldest Man Called Stoke Dies

Tributes have been pouring in from all over Stoke for the city's oldest man called Stoke - Ted Stoke - who finally succumbed to old age at 43.

"Men like Ted are forged in the grit mines of Brindley Ford, not simply born," said friend and former enemy Jib Muller.

"Men like Ted are forged in the lava mines of Fegg Hayes, not simply born," said enemy and former spit-roasting partner Percy Pigeons.

"Ted never worked a day in his life," said his third from last wife, Sharon Bender. "Nor did he ever give me a penny in child support. But he was a great man."

"This is a sad day for the city," says city council spokesman Gary Coolio. "Ted has proven himself to be one of the best Stokies around and he will be missed."

Stoke will close down tomorrow and observe a day of mourning. All workers in the city are advised to stay at home.

Supervillain’s Base Fails Health & Safety Inspection

Supervillain Dr Bosch has complained after health and safety officials said that his mountain base in Fegg Hayes failed to meet basic safety standards.

"I couldn't disagree more with this decision," said the former nuclear scientist. "Safety for henchmen was a primary concern for me when I designed this base. This decision has been made purely because I'm a supervillain. If I was a superhero, there's no way the base would have failed the assessment."

While Dr Bosch's base, nicknamed the "theatre of doom", has work carried out on it to meet the recommended standards, the mad scientist's henchmen will work from home or from one of the many empty warehouses and factories in the city randomly owned by the villain.

Animal Crossing Stoke Better Than Real Life Stoke, Says Local Man

Jim Boglin from Fegg Hayes has shocked the city by declaring that virtual life in Nintendo 3DS game Animal Crossing: New Leaf is better than that in the real Stoke.

"I called my Animal Crossing town 'Stoke', it's beautiful," says Mr Boglin, 53. "I wanted to replicate a small portion of the city in the game. However, a wonderful thing happened: all of my animal residents got along with one another wonderfully and with me. I haven't had any punch ups or drunken rampages in the weeks since the games release. It's nothing like Stoke, it's superior in my opinion."

"No-one can seriously tell me that living as ruler in a leafy idyll with cutesy anthropomorphic animals is better than living in Stoke," says argumentative Phil Beaker. "I would add that I'm here just to provide a quote that counters the opinion of the main subject of the piece to make it seem like this publication offers a balanced view of the news. Which it does, obvs."

"Whitney the fox is my favourite resident," adds Jim. "She's fashionable, smart, sassy and ice cool. Real classy."

2012 Review: March

Disaster struck Stoke in March when Mount Terry erupted spewing lava across much of the northern and central towns of Stoke, eventually taking the lives of over half of the city's population. The fallen are remembered in a sculpture of the volcano in the car park at Sainsbury's in Stoke.

Survivors cheered themselves when badger baiting season opened with the murder of Stoke's oldest and biggest badger, "Large Ken". The badger's death, at the hands of men with broken WKD bottles, opened up a city-wide debate on the future of the sport, currently seeing bigger crowds than ever. Nigel "Nidge" Snotshot, manager of the city's biggest team, the Fegg Hayes Rascals, was called to a session of the Council of Elders to defend the sport.

2012 Review: February

Following rumours about Royalist involvement in the assassination of city elder Derek Wiggy in January, Stoke erupted into civil war in February.

Royalist forces from the south of Stoke, who wanted Stoke to remain part of the UK, took control of the city after a surprise assault on the north. However, Republican pockets of resistance continued to fight. Only Fegg Hayes remained officially not under control of the UK government and Royalist forces, and swore allegiance to Stoke's Council of Elders.

Fegg Hayes's stance inspired other towns in Stoke to stand up to Royalist invaders. Swamp guerrilla fighters in Sneyd Green took back the town, as did mountain warriors in Packmoor. After winning a series of battles, Republican forces marched into Hanley and placed their flag around the shoulders of the statue of Sir Stanley Matthews, just outside of Poundland.

With the northern forces being short of funds, Royalists stopped benefit payments and set up a blockade to stop urgent supplies getting to the north of the city. These blockades were easily breached by people from the Staffordshire Moorlands however who brought much needed cigarettes and alcohol for the resistance fighters.

Bolstered by the entire ranks of the British Army, Navy and RAF, the Royalists slowly asserted control back over the city, and after more than two weeks of war, during which over half of Stoke's population was killed, Royalist forces under the command of Michael Gove eventually captured Fegg Hayes and Stoke fell back under UK control.

2012 Review: January

2012 got off to an exciting and dramatic start in Stoke when the City Council elder for Fegg Hayes, Derek Wiggy, was assassinated by an angry loner who has yet to be identified.

Derek Wiggy's funeral procession in Fegg Hayes

Despite local man Gary Log being convicted of the crime based on eyewitness testimony from his ex-wife Tracy, the conviction was overturned when it transpired Mrs Log was in Tenerife at the time and couldn't have witnessed the crime, even with a complex series of mirrors that she claimed to have set up for just the possibility of something like that happening involving her ex-husband.

Elsewhere, Stoke's oldest man, Ken Barry, 61, married for the 7th time and claimed that the secret to his long life was a daily diet of oatcakes and cigarettes.

Page 3

Today's Page 3 girl is Sharon Treacle, 22, from Fegg Hayes.

Sharon is hopeful that the recent Middle East peace settlement can hold. "I hope and pray that Israel and the other lot can come together and find a peaceful solution to the current crisis," she says. "War there would destabilise the whole region."

Nigerians Complain Of Stoke "Prince" Scam

People from across Nigeria have complained that they are receiving scam e-mails from someone claiming to be a prince from Stoke who needs their help to get money out of the city.

In exchange for help, the e-mailer promises cash rewards to the Nigerians. All they have to do is provide their bank details, which Nigerians claim will be used to rob them of money.

A Nigerian

"This is clearly a scam," says Nigerian ambassador to Stoke, Tijuana Okocha. "We have warned Nigerians not to give their bank details."

But the prince in question, Prince Steve of Fegg Hayes, is unrepentant. "This is a genuine offer," he says. "I need to get my money out of Stoke before the uprising comes. I can't believe no-one over there will help me."

Superhero Missing, Probably Mangled

Local superhero Clayman has been reported missing and is feared dead.

 

Clayman, who is the alter ego of factory worker Henk Poon, developed his superpower of being able to bend clay to his will after a Royal Doulton figurine exploded into his face during a soccer riot.
 

 

League of Vigilantes leader Professor Dave Xavier (aka: Professor Dave), has appealed for help in locating Clayman. "Clayman has beaten up a lot of Stoke's crims and chavs, sometimes without any evidence of them committing any crimes. Stoke owes it to him to find his mangled, lifeless corpse. It's the least we can do." 

 

Super-villain Dr Klondike, who recently moved to a base inside a mountain in Fegg Hayes, is favourite with bookies to be behind the murder.

Stoke's Towns Fail To Reach Arms Deal

Stoke City Council has said it is "as shocked as a fucktard" by the failure of negotiations to secure a Stoke-wide arms treaty but hopes it remains a possibility.

Elders from all of Stoke's towns have spent the past month in Fegg Hayes negotiating a treaty, which needed to be adopted by consensus, so any one town could in effect veto a deal. Instead, officials on Friday decided to take no decision on a draft treaty.



A normal child in North Longton

One person every minute dies from armed violence in Stoke, and arms control activists say a convention is needed to prevent illicitly traded guns from pouring into conflict zones and fuelling gang wars and atrocities. They cite conflicts in North Longton and elsewhere as examples of why a treaty is necessary.

While most towns favoured a strong treaty, activists said there was a small minority, including North Longton, Bentilee and Boothen, who opposed arms control throughout the negotiations.

Councillor Urges Action On Banks

Stoke coucillor Hem Hellkiller has urged shareholders in Stoke's banks to rise up and purge their companies of corrupt executives, who he says have allowed "systemic abuse" to take root in the banking system.

Speaking to children at Sir Stanley Matthews First School in Hanley, Hellkiller says it is now clear that "the greedy fuckers at Fegg Hayes Capital", the investment bank that triggered the a recent market-rigging scandal, "should fall like an old man's bollocks."

"Lots of money"

To rapturous applause fom the children, Hellkiller described the problems in Stoke's financial sector as "a moral quagmire of almost 'Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3' proportions". He says that Stoke City Coucil is taking urgent action, including sending hate mail to "bad eggs" so they'll realise everyone hates them.

But he says shareholder power will be crucial. "Let's vote these nonces out. It will make my job a lot easier if I don't actually have to do anything myself. I'm going on holiday soon. Shareholders have a major responsibility here. I am bringing in legislation to give shareholders the ownership of bankers, so that they can beat the greedy cockmunchers at will if they get out of line."

Fegg Hayes Building Society: We Want €100bn Too

After Spain's banks accepted a European bailout of up to €100bn, the Fegg Hayes Building Society (FHBS) has gone to the EU demanding a similar pay-out.

"The Spanish government states its intention is to request European financing for the recapitalisation of its banks," said FHBS cashier Sharon Kegger. "There's no reason why we can't dip our beaks in too."

Spain better not piss the money away on bullfighting,
warn Stoke's MEPs



It remained unclear, however, exactly how much of the €100bn Spain would need. "We should at least get some of the change if they don't spend it all," Kegger stressed. "This is a shit ton of clams we're talking about here."

There was confusion about conditions of the Spanish bailout. Stoke MEP Tracy Farscape has asked that Stokies be given a free holiday in Spain as compensation for the money Spanish banks will be getting.

Stoke City Council's finance ministers have warned they will closely monitor Spain's ability to stick to deficit targets and structural reforms, and will be asking for straw donkeys and footballers, as well as holidays, in return for defaulting on repayments.