Stokecore Music

Stokecore is a broad fusion genre of music whereby any style of music is mixed with a Stoke sensibility and/or Stokie dialect to make something entirely new.

Pioneering Stokecore bands (included Baps Unlimited, The Fegg Gays and Hatecock) mixed heavy metal with Stoke. Later bands, such as Mr Peabodys Dinner, Bitches and The Derek Hulse Fan Club, mixed genres as wide as disco, reggae and mandopop (respectively) with Stoke to widen what Stokecore could be.

Local bands Pink Pole and Good Gravy are often credited with originating Stokecore in the underground scene before other bands took the idea on and made it mainstream. The Fegg Gays album 'Tar Duck' is cited as the first Stokecore album to hit number one in the local charts, and is often referred to as "the album that influenced a generation". Baps Unlimited (feat. Mick Bullock) scored the first Stokecore number one single with their anthem 'Slaughter at Boslem Gaol'.

Nowadays, as we all know, Stokecore is the dominant musical genre in the city. There is also an emerging Hardcore Stokecore scene, featuring artists who only record songs in the ancient Stoke language of Stokehili, that predates English by centuries, but is now only spoken by about 10% of Stokes population.

Short Story Competition: 1st Place

'Marilyn In Stoke' by Kevin Gout

Marilyn Monroe wiped her mouth. She had never had a man who tasted so good. Big Kev took his hands off Marilyn's head and placed them on top of his own, and leaned back.

He had travelled back in time from Stoke in 2015 to Los Angeles in 1962. His job was to kill Marilyn Monroe, but he had ended up falling in love with her.

He was the kind of guy the chicks loved. He was a real man. A straight-talker, a doer, with a grizzled face and a thick Stoke accent. Sure he drank too much, had a beer belly, thinning hair and dodgy knees, but if anything, this made the ladies love him more. These were the vulnerabilities that made him human to them.

He didn't need Marilyn, he had the cream of Stoke's women in 2015 waiting for him. But there was something about this crazy dame that got to him like no-one else had, not for a long time.

He had started to formulate a plan. It was so crazy it might just work. He would find a Marilyn doppelganger and leave her in Marilyn's deathbed in 1962, and take Marilyn back with him to the present. The real question though, was not if Stoke was ready for Marilyn Monroe, but was Marilyn Monroe ready for Stoke?

Short Story Competition: 2nd Place

'God Barry' by Barry Machin

As Barry drew the sword from his pathetic wife's now lifeless corpse, laughing as he wiped the blood on the terrible pink curtains he had had to put up with in his bedroom (and it was his bedroom, he had paid for the house with his money) for all these years, he realised: I am a God.

Barry went downstairs and opened a beer. If he wanted to drink during the day, he could now. There was no-one to stop him. He could go to the football now, every Saturday – home and away. Finally get that moustache he always wanted. Everything was coming up Barry.

Short Story Competition: 3rd Place

'Oatcake vs Pikelet' by Terry Hooch

"There's no place in Stoke for sweet foods," the oatcake said to the pikelet. "This is a savoury town and I'm a savoury treat. Just the way the people like it."

"Get lost granddad!" the pikelet replied. "You're past it. Yesterday's news. The youngins of today want something sweet, round and firm, not something old and floppy like you!"

"When I were a lad, youngins knew they're place and respected their elders," the oatcake said.

"Yeah well this ain't Downton Abbey, daddio," the pikelet laughed, and did some street dancing to the oatcake to flaunt his youth in his savoury face.

The oatcake pulled out a gun and shot the pikelet dead. He knew the police would do nothing. Oatcakes ruled Stoke and everyone knew it.

Short Story Competition

The Stoke Literary Society has decided its winners of the Official 2015 Stoke Short Story Competition.

The top three writers all get ten pints of milk, with third place also getting a goat, second place a cow and the overall winner getting a white Vauxhall Nova.

The winning stories will be published here over the following days.

Autumn Music Preview

Music fans know that the biggest time of the year for new album releases is autumn, so let’s look ahead to this year's most anticipated releases!... by local artists.

Bev Collies – "Super Busy"

Bev is known simply as "The Voice" by local music fans, who include Stoke's ruling Council of Elders, for whom she has performed on numerous occasions at Stoke state functions.

On her new album, the third part of her so-called 'Burslem Trilogy', Bev explores the dark side of human relationships, including songs about her time as a mercenary in the Congo and her six failed marriages. The deluxe edition of the CD includes five additional different versions of Carly Rae Jepsen's classic 'Call Me Maybe', including the freeform jazz cover already a hit on Stoke's club scene.

Ted Stumpies – "1989"

Ted's eleventh studio album, released on his own record label Ted's Boutique, is a song-for-song remake of Ryan Adams's song-for-song remake of Taylor Swift's "1989" album.

"I'm a big fan of Ryan's music," Ted explained. "I've already covered his cover of Oasis's 'Wonderwall', so this seemed like a natural step in my musical progression."

The Farmer's Conundrum – "The Ballad of Dave Holdcroft"

Stoke's number one folk band, now that The Queensberry Rules have split up, release their third album this year in late October. It features a host of popular folk standards including 'The Milk Maid's Bison', 'Ballad of the Bald Beardsmith', 'Ye Olde Bastard and the Drunken Butcher', as well as original songs like 'The Ghosts of Burslem Aldi', 'The Green, Green Grass of Fenton' and 'O'er the Valley I Did Lose My Oatcake'.

Barry Money – "Live at HMP Werrington"

Hailing from the country music stronghold of Stockton Brook, Barry's latest album sees him perform for inmates on death row at Stoke's notorious HMP Werrington.

Dropping classics like 'Shotgun Sharon' and 'Girl Named Barry' into his set along with new jams like 'The Hangman's Nissan', the crowd lap up Barry's performance right up until the end of the set, when they go on the rampage, killing guards and roadies with feverish abandon. The sound of the riot itself is only available as a pre-order bonus track on the digital download from Apple's iTunes store.

Today's Sentinel Pulped Due To Printing Error

Three million copies of today's Evening Sentinel have had to be destroyed after a printing error lead to today's edition of The Daily Mail newspaper being printed off by mistake.

"This kind of thing happens all the time in the newspaper business," Sentinel editor-in-chief Barry Sentinel explained. "It's really not a big deal. Like, seriously."

"I only realised something was wrong when I noticed more pictures of posh society totty than normal," reader Scone Armatrading said. "I don't need to see bog-eyed girls with upturned werepig noses while I'm eating an oatcake."

"I didn't really see a difference," Peg Shifter commented.

"I thought it was funny there were no mentions of angry women from estates in Fegg Hayes getting ASBOs and shit," Big Dave Holdcroft added.

Copies of today's paper that were sold before the error was noticed have already become collector's items and are currently being sold on auction site eBay for thousands of pounds.

EYE ON STOKE Nominated For Pulitzer Prize

Reader Doris Ahmed has nominated EYE ON STOKE for the prestigious Pulitzer Prize, regarded by many as the highest journalistic prize available in the world outside of Stoke.

Sending her nomination by post card to a PO Box address, Doris explains her nomination. "EYE ON STOKE always has top notch news in a top notch style. Their Peter Crouch coverage is superb. Overall: yes."

Despite being over 10o years old, Doris likes to keep up-to-date with the modern world. "I love the internet. It's pure filth. Nothing like this back in my day. If this is the kind of thing I get for having killed a bunch of Jerries in the two World Wars I fought in, then sign me up for some more. The Hun won't know what hit it. I'd love it if we beat them again, love it."

Springtime For JCVD And Stoke

The Stoke Film Club has laid out its programme for spring, which include a Jean-Claude Van Damme retrospective and various events to celebrate the career of the action movie star, known as the "muscles from Belgium".

As well as screenings of JCVD classics, events will be held to coincide with films. Plans include a tramp hunting contest for 'Hard Target' and face kicking contests for all of his other films.

"Every year, our line up gets better and better," club secretary Jenny Cockshoot says. "We have fast become this Britain's most dynamic film club. Long may it continue."

The first film of the season, 'Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning', will be projected onto the side of the BT building in Hanley.

Tickets Please

Local fans of band The Worzels are in for a once-in-a-lifetime treat as one of their best-loved tribute acts has announced it will be coming to the city.

The Wrongzels have confirmed they will be playing in the Wayne Biggins Suite at the Britannia Stadium on 23 April. Tickets are expected to sell out fast so get your tickets quick! A 50% reduction applies for Stoke City players.

Stoker AM

Stoke City fans prepared for their inevitable victory over Chelsea FC today by invading the TV studios of 'Soccer AM' on Sky Sports.

Wearing Stoke's traditional red and white stripe shirts, representing the club's beginnings as a hairdressers before becoming a football club, the lads from Stoke joined celebrity guests John Leguizamo, Mario Melchiot and some Man City fans or other no-one cares about.

One of the lucky fans even got to have eggs cracked over his head by Mario and John, every pervert's dream.

Stoke Roses Triumph

The Stoke Roses have been named best new band at the Stoke Music Awards, held last night at the Burslem Hilton.

The band, a tribute to The Stone Roses, were overjoyed.

"We're mad for it, our kid," the Ian Brown lookalike said.

"'Avin it large!" The Mani lookalike added.

"I'd like to thank my mum and dad, and God," the John Squire lookalike said.

The Reni lookalike had nothing to say.

The band also double as a Michael Jackson tribute act.

Other big winners on the night included Jonathan Wilkes, who took home the inaugural lifetime achievement award, Jonathan Wilkes, who won performer of the year, and Jonathan Wilkes, who won man of the year.

Stokie Goes Viral

Stokie Tom Nooks has become an overnight internet viral sensation after a video of him attracted millions of views on YouTube.

The video of him in his cell at HMP Werrington has him shouting "I need a shit!!" at a prison guard, before pulling his trousers and pants down and having a dump on the floor in his cell.

The "I need a shit!!" catchphrase caught on instantly, leading to t-shirts and dance songs using the phrase, and is being shouted by school kids in playgrounds and classrooms up-and-down the country.

Nooks, who is doing a ten stretch for possessing child pornography, is said to be happy with the video's reception and is hoping to record his debut album when his criminal sentence expires, which he plans to call 'Only God Can Judge Me'.

Stoke Celebrates Oscar Success

The city was celebrating this morning after local champion Oscar Pikey placed fifth in yesterday's county pie-eating championship.

"Being the champion, or CHOMPion, of Stoke is a heavy burden on the monkey on anyone's back," Oscar said. "I was glad to give the thousands of travelling fans something to cheer about."

Oscar finished behind pie-eaters from Leek, Stafford, Burton and Longsdon, but ahead of rivals representing Newcastle and Stone.

"As long as I finished above those two dumps of towns, I'd have been happy," Oscar explained. "Even if it meant finishing third from last."

Wife Beating Increase Blamed On Fifty Shades Of Grey

A recent increase in incidents of wife beating in the city have been blamed on the 'Fifty Shades Of Grey' book and film franchise.

"I never realised how sexy getting smacked around was until I read the books," local housewife Tina Backslash said. "Now I love it. It's so trendy, all my girlfriends are doing it."

"My hubbie turned a room in our flat into a red room," Lisa Nanker said. "It's got a Black & Decker workbench, his stash of pornos, his password protected PC and his football boot collection in it. It's so hot. I can't wait for him to smack me in there one day, rather than just beat me in the living room."

An estimated 50% of Stoke husbands already beat their wives, a decline of 10% on this time 100 years ago, according to official figures. This figure is expected to increase dramatically when the film is released this weekend.

"We've been going in the right direction this past century," councillor Katy Terry said. "This kind of thing puts us right back like a bunch of twats."

Stokemon

A group of local nerds are seeking funding to make a new video game they think will take off in a big way.

"The game will be an rpg called Stokemon," designer Barry Bosted explains. "You will play the main character called Dave Ketchup, who comes from a broken home but finds refuge as a footy hooligan. You must then travel round the country defeating (and capturing to join your gang) wild hooligans and trying to defeat the 15 rival gangs on their home turf. After completing that, you get to take on the Champions League Four, to find out once and for all who is the real champion of champions."

The game will initially be released in two versions: Stokemon Red and Stokemon White. In the red version, the antagonists will be Team Crewe, while in the white version, it will be Team Vale.

"We've not been inspired by Pokemon in any way, the suggestion is ludicrous," game creator Nigel Pledge says. "This is an entirely different type of game."

Anna Kendrick, Dream Girl

Hollywood has confirmed that rising star, and American sweetheart, Anna Kendrick is to be distributed to people in Stoke's dreams to help promote her current film Into The Woods, also starring Meryl Streep.

"Anna is one of the hottest properties in Hollywood right now," agent Arty Nickels said. "Everyone is a winner with this deal."

The dreams will vary from user-to-user, but will leave people with the lasting feeling that Anna Kendrick is adorable and that you need to see Into The Woods.

"In my dream, Anna came to my house and did all me housework," roofer Tom Bongo said. "Top bird."

"I dreamt that she messaged me on Facebook, came round my gaff, sucked me off then fucked off," unemployed layabout Nigel Monk said. "Perfect."

Dick Wilkesington

Local legend Jonathan Wilkes has been wowing the crowds in panto this year, let's take a look at some of the reviews left on the relevant internet web page.

"I've seen Olivier do Shakespeare, I've seen Dylan play Woodstock. And now, I've seen Wilkes do panto. Thus, the holy trinity of live entertainment is complete as far as I'm concerned." - Jock, Burslem

"To say that Wilkes owned the stage is no exaggeration, as he actually owns all of Stoke." - Harry Minge, Hanley

"Wilkes is the perfect all-round entertainer. I'm betting he'd be a cracking shag too. Top marks." - Betty, Fegg Hayes

"What would be weak material for a normal performer, Wilkes spins into panto gold, like a mad, innuendo-fuelled alchemist." - Mick Beanstalk, Longton

"God knows what Robbie Williams would think of all of this, but he'd probably love anything Jonathan Wilkes was in." - Jamie Dregs, Trent Vale

Buttons Unleashed

One of Stoke's most prolific bloggers, the self-styled "average Stokie", Frank Buttons, has decided to write his autobiography following dissatisfaction with the readership numbers of his blog, Buttons Online.

Provisionally entitled Buttons Uncut, or possibly Buttons Unleashed, the book will detail Frank's life in Stoke and personal passions, which include model railways and rock icon Phil Collins. The two chapters about the bald rocker will include one on why Phil is the most underrated and under-appreciated rock star of our times, and the other will simply list Phil's best songs from across his career, as well as anecdotes from Frank about the songs and memories he has of them.

The book will also feature occasional chapters where Frank puts the world to rights, spouting off about immigration, benefit cheats and gays.

Frank will self-publish the book and will release it in time for the busy Christmas market.

ConCon

This past week, Stoke has played host to one of the most important conventions of the year: ConCon, a convention about conventions.

One of the main announcements of the week long event was that Stoke has won the rights to host BronyConUK 2015, one of the most loved and feared shows on the convention circuit.

Bronies are men who love My Little Pony, but in a non-weird or sexual way... or so the press release claims. It's pretty much the cutest thing ever!… the press release says. Again.

BronyConUK 2015 will be held at the Burslem Hilton in July. Tickets are already available to pre-order.