Kuntz Torn, But Happy

Gunther Kuntz

Stoke City 0-1 West Brom Baggies

The world's number one Tony Pulis lookalike, Gunther Kuntz, has declared himself happy with the result of yesterday's game at The Brit, but is sad for Stoke.

"I was Stoke fan for much years, so ja, I see both sides of the pastry on this one," Gunther said at the post-match press conference. "I am most happy for Tony. He deserve the luck."

Pulis's job was made much easier when Stoke had two players sent off in the first half, both of whom were foreigners.

"I was touched by the reaction Tony got from the Stoke fans before the game," Gunther added, referring to the standing ovation for the former Stoke and current Baggies manager. "Tony milked those teets for all of the love, I think it made the Stoke fans and players lose an edge or two, helping the Baggies win."

Pulis Hates Cockneys

Stoke City management legend Tony Pulis has stunned the football world by leaving Crystal Palace after only ten months as their gaffer.

"Even though I'm a Scamps [Port Vale] fan, I love and admire Pulis," Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board said. "Though no reason has been given, I think we all know why; it's because TP has grown to hate London and its filthy Cockney inhabitants."

"London is a viper's nest full of tricksters, thieves and whores," Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed added. "And that's just the nice ones. I'm amazed Tony lasted this long to be honest. I'd have gone on a killing spree after ten months in that shithole."

Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz has been contacted for his reaction but is too shocked to speak.

Praise For Pulis

Gunther Kuntz

World leading Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz has praised the former Stoke manager for keeping new club Crystal Palace in the Premier League after looking certain for relegation before he took over.

"Tony has done good, ja," Gunther wrote in his official blog. "He prove himself the man, the main man of this league."

Gunther also awarded Tony his award for manager of the year for a sixth straight season.

"Fully deserved is this award for Tony," Gunther added. "He will have to work hard to win it again, but I believe in Tony."

Pulis Lookalike Gutted At Mackems Snub

Award winning Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz, known professionally as "Tony Pulis Germany", has expressed his disappointment at Tony Pulis missing out on the manager's job at Sunderland.

"Tony was perfect for this job," wrote Gunther on his blog. "Instead, they gave it to a gimp faced Uruguayan who smears shit on walls."

Sunderland lost their first game yesterday under Gus Poyet 4-0 to Swansea.

"This would not happen under Tony's fuehrership," added Gunther. "He knows how to drill men in red and white stripes, and the Sunderland players are used to getting shouted at."

Pulis Leaves Stoke, Lookalike “Gutted”

Champion Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz has been described as "heartbroken" after it was announced that his Stoke City manager doppelganger would be leaving the club.

Kuntz has been a Pulis lookalike for around 4 years and has established a worldwide fanbase, working under the stage name "Tony Pulis Germany". Contacted for a statement, his agent described Gunther as "too gutted to speak".

"Ich bin gutted"

Pulis was in charge of Stoke for 26 years, winning 38 trophies during his tenure. He once famously said that his main goal when taking over at the club was "to knock the Vale off their fucking perch".

Some Stoke fans are reported to have gathered outside of the Britannia Stadium, singing "Goodbye, Tony Pulis, who could play long ball like you?" to the tune of 'Ruby Tuesday' by The Rolling Stones. Meanwhile, unhappy West Ham fans have been heard chanting "You're just a fat Tony Pulis!" at their manager Sam Allardyce in an effort to get him sacked by association.

Pulis Lookalike Gets Into Fight With Crouchy Lookalike

Europe's number one ranked Tony Pulis lookalike, German Gunther Kutz, shocked onlookers at a business conference in Abu Dhabi this week when he got into a bar brawl with Steve Log, a full time Peter Crouch lookalike.

The pair were being employed to help provide corporate hospitality to the mega rich businessmen attending the conference on avoiding corporate responsibility.

"I don't know how it started," said onlooker Victor Spillsbury. "But I saw Pulis headbutt Crouchy repeatedly. Looks like he lost a few teeth as well, just like the real Crouchy did earlier in the season."

"This doesn't bode well," says Stoke fan Mick Beanstalk. "This could easily transfer over to the real Pulis and Crouch. Team morale would be destroyed by an incident like this."

Pulis Fan Still Has Faith

Some Stoke City supporters may be worried about the team's recent slide down the EPL soccer league table, but there's one fan who has still got faith in boss Tony Pulis: his professional German lookalike, Gunther Kuntz!

"Of course, the league situation is not perfect right now," says Gunther, who works under the name 'Tony Pulis Germany'. "But I believe that Herr Tony can kick this dead horse back to life, as we say in Germany."

Official Tony Pulis lookalike,
Gunther Kuntz

Gunther has been an officially licensed Tony Pulis lookalike for around 4 years now, and thinks that he has seen enough during that time to support the guv'nor without hesitation.

"Listen guys, Herr Tony has made this club what it is today," says Gunther to any doubters. "Without him we are nothing, so let us get behind the boys and I am sure we will beat off the drop."

Guten Tag, Ich Heiβe "Tony Pulis Germany"

If you walked around the German city of Mannheim today, you might be mistaken for thinking you'd just seen Stoke City manager Tony Pulis!

Tony Pulis

Of course, it's not the real Tony Pulis, but lookalike Gunther Kuntz. Gunther has been working as a Tony Pulis lookalike for the past three years after having been spotted on holiday in Marbella by local lookalike agency owner Dave Skegness.

"When I first saw him, I thought, 'Fuck me, if it isn't Tony fuckin' Pulis,'" said Dave. "I'm a Vale man myself, 'Go Scamps!', so I thought I'd go over and give it some. Anyway, after shouting abuse at him for about three minutes, I realised he was a German bloke and not Tony Pulis. So I gave hime some more abuse for being a Kraut. Anyway, long story short, we ended up having a beer, shouting abuse at some Spaniards together, and I signed him up for my agency."

Gunther Kuntz
a.k.a. "Tony Pulis Germany"

"I didn't know Tony Pulis," says Gunther. "But when the offers of work started rolling in, I couldn't believe my luck. Because of the international popularity of the Premier League, I've been all over the world as Tony Pulis to places in Asia, Africa and of course, Stoke itself."

"A lot of the work is kiddies parties," says agent Dave. "The kids love Pulis. But we also cater for corporate gigs and advertising. Gunther goes under the name Tony Pulis Germany if you want to book him."