Student Of History

By Steve Hyde, libtard and proud.

I'm about to start my 15th different degree course at Staffordshire University this month, thirteen more than the next best student in the uni's history. This year, I will be studying history. I know how lucky we are in this country to have such an advanced education system as I have travelled extensively to many of the poorer parts of the world and have seen first hand how stupid many people in those countries are. I'm ashamed to say that I exploited their stupidity on many occasions for my own benefit, getting them to do humiliating things for very little money and filming it for easy views in monetised videos on my YouTube channel. I could remove those videos but prefer to leave them up as a reminder of my past failings, and I give 10% of the ad revenue to charity.

To my fellow students, I say: keep learning, comrades! Together, we can take down the Man!

Do They Know It's Christmas?

By Steve Hyde, the people's champion.

I've been down to Africa recently and have witnessed first hand the devastation going on there caused by ebola. The pictures I saw on the TV screen in my hotel at the safari reserve in South Africa were truly shocking. My diamond dealer there promised to give a cut of his profits to charities that will give aid, so I feel like I've done my bit to help. Have you?

It's coming up to the Christmas break for us uni students. This year I have been studying ancient languages, which is the twelfth degree course I've started at Staffs Uni. Not everyone in the world is as lucky to be as educated as me though. Many uneducated Eastern European women are being forced to work as sex slaves in our local brothels and parlours. If you are going to visit one of these places, and we all do it, then please make sure you go with a local girl, let's not fund organised crime.

We have a Christmas tradition in our family that my parents spend the holidays at their estate in Antigua, while I stay at home with the servants. This year will be no different, though most of the servants have asked for Christmas off. As I've got some of the lads coming round for a legendary bender, I don't think I can allow it. So spare a thought for anyone you know who has to work over the holidays.

The Revolution Will Be Instagrammed

By Steve Hyde, who is more left wing than Matty Etherington

Seeing the devastation in the Philipines fills me with sadness as I went on holiday there once. If I'm being honest, I spent most of my time there taking cheap opiates in the company of the plentiful cheap hookers they have over there. I regret not seeing some of the more cultural parts of the country when I was there as most of them will have been destroyed now. I could have got some really great pics for my Instagram. It really makes you think.

Our Fascist prime minister David Cameron is over in Sri Lanka to talk to the government/dictatorship they have there. It reminds me of when I went there a few years ago, inspired by the rapping of MIA, to fight on the side of the Tamil rebels. Unfortunately, due to communication and translation errors, I ended up fighting with the government and helping to eradicate the rebels. I'm not embarrassed to say I got carried away at times and may have committed what would some may consider to be war crimes, but this just empowers me now when I campaign against war because I've seen it first hand. Knowledge is power, and I have the knowledge of what it's like to raze entire villages, clans and cultures to the ground, and this gives me the power to go on doing my work against war and oppression.

Power to the people!

Helpiate Of The Masses

By Steve Hyde, showing the softer side of being hardline left-wing.

I met a crippled man in a chair, like Stephen Hawkings or something, just the other day. Seriously. I used an app on my iPhone to mimic his robot speech, to make him feel more comfortable, so that he would think of me as merely an equal and not his superior. Just doing my bit for the children of a lesser god.

Martin Luther King Day in the good ole USA of A reminds me of our own sorry past, when we treated black people as slaves and servants. I too was guilty of this, employing black women as cleaners and cooks at my student house. I did the right thing in the end though and sacked them from their menial jobs to liberate them from my white oppression. Fly free, blackbirds, fly free. I now employ some lovely Eastern European women.

Teach A Man To Fish

By Steve Hyde, Stoke's most left wing man.

I've just returned from a trip to Africa, the source of life, where me and some friends went on safari, but we made time to see some of the paupers there too. I tried throwing some coins on the floor for them, they picked them up but had little awareness of what they were and threw them at each other like common pigmies. I tried to teach them to fish by showing them a video on my iPhone of someone fishing, and I could tell they were interested. When they get the river and lake I promised that the West will provide for them in the future they will have a knowledge of fishing that will stand them in good stead.

I see that Channel 4 is exploiting poor people "oop north" again for the benefit of their ratings in the TV show 'Skint'. I made a very similar short film for university, set in Stoke, called 'Skank'. Funny how Channel 4 rejected that when I showed it to them but have then made a very similar series just 13 years later?

Rapper Chris Brown may be going back to prison for violating the terms of his probation. Would he be treated better if he was Chris White? Fight the power, brotha!

"Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead!"

By Steve Hyde, a one man Stoke-based left wing think tank.

This is a dead Thatcher. This Thatcher is deceased. This Thatcher is no more! Of course, I'm referencing the fact that Maggie Thatcher has finally died! And the classic TV comedy show 'Faulty Towers' as well, cus I'm just the kind of guy who can link two seemingly unrelated things like that in such a clever and beautiful way. (Don't try and stop me, you won't be able to.)

I'm old enough to remember watching on TV protests against Thatcher, especially the Poll Tax riots, so I have first hand experience of the devastating effect Thatcher and her politics had on this country. My parents also got very rich during her time as PM while poor people only got poorer, so, again, I know all about how bad her policies and economic plans were.

I see also that anti-Thatcherites are making a push to get 'Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead' to the top of the hit parade. Normally, when I listen to 'Ding Dong', one of my favourite songs btw, tho in an ironic way obvs, I would think of 'Naked Gun 2½'. Now however, it's taken on a delicious new life of its own as the official anthem of Thatcher's demise! (If I'm being honest tho, my first thought when hearing the song is still of 'Naked Gun 2½'. Takes me a few seconds to remember why the song is currently being played.)

Oh, btw, I will not be attending a Thatcher death celebration party this weekend… I will be hosting one! At my penthouse in Hanford fyi, just in case I know you personally and you're in the area on Saturday night. If I don't know you personally, then don’t stop by, the bouncers will NOT let you in.

Falklands War II

With the second Falklands War about to get the nod, how do Stokies feel about another battle with the Argies? And with a new Argentine Pope adding an interesting religious twist to the war, it's sure to be one of the highlights of the year.

Right-wing EYE ON STOKE columnist, and war enthusiast, Dick Mellor offers his opinion on this whole sorry mess:

"If the Argies don't want any proper 'argy bargy', they should keep their noses out of our shit. We all know what happened last time, they surrendered quicker than a Frenchman in high heels. The filthy Argies have no claim on these islands, either historical, territorial, ethnic or ethical, and know as much, the cheeky bastards. I say let's hit these temperamental latin southerners them with a pre-emptive strike, designed to knock out important information and power relays. Let's show these backwards bitches that we mean business. If they fail to heed the warning, then let's bomb them back to the stone age. They're not far from it anyway in my opinion."

Steve Hyde (real name: Stephane Dudley-Williams) is EYE ON STOKE's newest columnist, signed on a Bosman as he was unattached to any rival publications. He offers his left wing view on the situation:

"We should not give the Falklands back to Argentina. Nor should we keep them. I say: FREE DA PEOPLE! We've kept the Falklanders as slaves for long enough now, it's time to let them go! Either that or give them to Cuba. Hail Castro. Let's fight the capitalist war machine, starting right now with these useless awkward bastards in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Power to the people!"

Power To The People!

By EYE ON STOKE's new columnist Steve Hyde, Stoke's leading left-wing radical free thinker.

Women are one of the most oppressed groups of people in Stoke today. I'm not embarrassed to say that I am in touch with my feminine side and often wear women's underwear to better know what it feels like to be a woman. Girl power!

I think it's important that we support our crippled brothers and sisters out there. If I see an old fella or lass using a walking stick, I show my support by walking alongside or behind them (depending on the width of the pavement) with a pronounced limp. It makes me understand how difficult life is for them, and I think they respect me back too for highlighting their plight to passers-by.

I see that our fascist government is planning a cut on benefits and I am appalled by this. I claim benefits under several aliases and I can confirm that you don't get nearly enough money to live off. Of. I can barely afford to live in my student accommodation and I regularly have to go cap in hand to my parents to keep getting my allowance and inheritance even though I'm now 38 years old. That should tell you all you need to know about Div Cameron and Michael Go-away-ve.

Finally, an apology to some of my friends: I now realise that blacking-up recently may have been a bad idea, but I did it for all the right reasons, showing my love to all of my coloured comrades out there! I feel your pain bros and sistas.

Power to the people!