Fallout Makers Deny Copying Stoke

Bethesda Softworks, makers of the 'Fallout' video game series, have denied accusations that the games are a blatant rip off of life in Stoke.

"I recently played through Fallout 4," gamer Chubb Yates said. "On the PS4, not the Xbox One, I'm not a peasant. I noticed that the overworld of the game was incredibly similar to that of Longton. A bit too similar. More than is normal."

Longton, yesterday

"So I went back and played Fallout 3 and what did I find?" Chubb continued. "Norton, that's what."

Chubb contacted Bethesda employees on Twitter and got only one reply: "What is a Stoke?"

"Their silence speaks volumes," Chubb concluded. "I hope the city council quite literally sues the shit out of dem yankee bastards."

2016 Review: January

2016 got off to an explosive start when a series of bombs were exploded by terrorist group ISIS during Stoke's new year celebrations. Tens of thousands died during the blasts. Fortunately, Jonathan Wilkes was not one of them; his panto co-stars formed a workable human shield protecting him from the blast.

The subsequent ground assault from ISIS troops swept through the city, until a joint team of paintballers and the Crackley Republican Army kept them at bay, buying troops at RAF Trentham time to load mini nukes into a giant metal robot called Tin Can Terry, which proceeded to blow itself up at the battle site taking out the ISIS group and most of Longton.

North Longton To Vote On Independence

Rogue Stoke state North Longton is to hold a referendum about breaking away from the Stoke Union, its "glorious" leader Den Biggins has announced.

"I don't know where this idea came from, it just hit me one day," Biggins told viewers of North Longton’s state TV channel. "Under my rule, Longton will ascend from the union and set out to rule the world."

"North Longton will not be allowed to go independent, whatever the result of this illegal vote," a spokesman for Stoke’s ruling Council of Elders said. "We own North Longton and will continue to do so long after all of you are dead."

The vote will be held the day before the vote for Scottish independence, whenever that is.

2013 Review: Part III

July

North Longton, Stoke's most controversial ward, announced that it had renamed itself as just Longton. "We see this as an act of war," said a South Longton spokesman in response. South Longton retaliated by renaming itself Longton too. "This is an act of war," a (North) Longton spokesman responded. The stand-off continued for the rest of the year.

August

Hanley Library started paying people to rent out books, but denied that it was simply a publicity stunt. "People will be paid when they return the books," explained library spokeswoman Gertrude Clinch. "But they have to do a test first so we can make sure they've read it. This is solely to make people read more."

September

A study by Staffordshire University found that 22.5% of all vending machine space in Stoke is taken up by cans of Irn Bru. "Aye, that sounds about right," Stoke's Chamber of Commerce spokesman Ted Chippington confirmed. "We don't know how or why it's so much, but it works and is what keeps Stoke going so it's best left unexplained."

Dennis Rodman Visits North Longton

Former basketball star Dennis Rodman has paid a visit to the troubled ward of North Longton to meet with firebrand council leader Den Biggins.

North Longton has been ostracised within Stoke for its use of fireworks at inappropriate times of the day and for imprisoning South Longton missionaries who have been there.

"We will not be talking about that," says Rodman. "I'm just here to shoot the shit, and maybe a few hoops," he told reporters from The Daily Gargoyle.

Mr Biggins, no relation to Wayne, or to a lesser extent Christopher, hit the headlines recently when he withdrew from diplomatic relations with Stoke's other towns and closed down their embassies in North Longton.

350th Anniversary Of The Great Fire Of Longton

Today marks the 350th anniversary of the Great Fire of Longton, Britain's first and arguably still best great fire. As is tradition, Longton's mayor, Ted Bacon, will dress as a flame and run through the city streets.

The fire swept through Longton over five days in 1662. It is believed to have been started by faulty wiring in a pie shop on Baths Road. The fire then spread rapidly across Longton, destroying most of the citadel in the process, around 90% of all buildings in total, including 100% of all of Longton's Turkish baths and opium dens.

Fortunately, the fire did not spread to Longton Castle (home of King Kevin II) or the neighbouring ruling district of Goms Mill, then home to Longton's parliament building, "The Dagger".

False rumours spread around Longton's inhabitants (ironically, like wild fire) that snooty foreigners from nearby Trentham had been seen lighting fires with their cigars and top hats. This lead to many Longtonians forming angry mobs and attacking Trentham and its inhabitants in revenge.

In total, seven deaths were recorded. The figure is thought to be so low because so many people from the city were fighting in Trentham at the time, saving their lives from the fire. The Great Fire is also believed to have eradicated a recent plague of Chlamydia that had broken out in the city.

Working On A Building Site Isn't Fun Anymore, Says Misogynist

A Stoke man has stunned the Western world by claiming that all the fun has gone out of working on building site, after a dressing down from bosses.

"All I did was ask the coffee lady if I could get a milkshake, while I was gawping at her titties," says Longton misogynist Kev Foghorn. "It was just a bit of fun, no harm done."

After a dressing down from his female boss, Kev vented his anger to anyone who would listen. "This is quite literally political correctness going literally mad when a man isn't literally allowed to have a cheeky gawp. It's that lot of Eurocrats in Brussels I blame."

"I'm gonna move to Spain," adds Kev. "Theres no PC over there with that lot of lazy siesta bastards, you can be as sexist or racist as you want, they love it."

Man Called Smallie Bigs Gunned Down

In an hilarious twist of fate, a Stoke man called Smallie Bigs was gunned down this morning in a drive-by shooting in Longton, 15 years after the similar death of the oppositely named rapper Biggie Smalls!

"After the deaths of the two WPCs in Mancland, the lads at the station have been a bit down," says Staffordshire Police's Barry Shanks. "But an incident like this perks everyone right up, it's a total 'lmfao' murder!"

There is no suspect yet but PC Shanks admits the police do have a line of enquiry that they are investigating. "My theory is that Puff Daddy was behind the hit on Biggie Smalls. So for this murder, we will be looking for suspects called Duff Paddy or D. Piddy. We've checked the local phonebook, there's no Duff Paddys but there are 47 D. Piddys in the Stoke area. They can all expect a visit from Staffordshire's finest."

Stoke's Towns Fail To Reach Arms Deal

Stoke City Council has said it is "as shocked as a fucktard" by the failure of negotiations to secure a Stoke-wide arms treaty but hopes it remains a possibility.

Elders from all of Stoke's towns have spent the past month in Fegg Hayes negotiating a treaty, which needed to be adopted by consensus, so any one town could in effect veto a deal. Instead, officials on Friday decided to take no decision on a draft treaty.



A normal child in North Longton

One person every minute dies from armed violence in Stoke, and arms control activists say a convention is needed to prevent illicitly traded guns from pouring into conflict zones and fuelling gang wars and atrocities. They cite conflicts in North Longton and elsewhere as examples of why a treaty is necessary.

While most towns favoured a strong treaty, activists said there was a small minority, including North Longton, Bentilee and Boothen, who opposed arms control throughout the negotiations.

Stoke Celebrates The Jubilee

People all over Stoke celebrated the Queen's diamond jubilee in style yesterday - by staying at home and watching TV!

Despite the rain outside, Stokies braved their living rooms rather than go to the pub for a traditional Stoke all-day Sunday drinking bender, a tradition as old as Stoke itself.

Longton High Street, yesterday

Drug dealers in the city also reported slow business, with sales of heroin the lowest since recods began.

A 41 gun salute was reported in Fegg Hayes, though this was not an official part of the celebrations, just some rival gangs shooting at each other at a local park.

Stoke’s Rap Community Hits Back At Crewe

Hip hop artists in Stoke have rapped back at two teenagers from Crewe whose song, 'Streets of Crewe', has been an internet "sensation"...

http://www.thisisstaffordshire.co.uk/Internet-rap-stars-critics-controversial-video/story-16209019-detail/story.html

MJB and Illusion’s hard hitting portrayal of Crewe, a place where you can see "10-year-old children buying fags", has been mocked in Stoke, home of the most vibrant hip hop scene in England.

"The song's a fantasy," says MC Davezilla of the Stoke Solid Crew. "Ev’r’one knows Crewe’s a dump, but ain’t no guns. Word."

"Ain't nobody worth shootin' there, just white trash, ya feel me?" added MC Stevezilla, a member of the same crew.

You can watch the video for 'Streets of Crewe' here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1OfRT2Z2cLY

Norton rapper Denny G was the first MC to rap back at MJB and Illusion:

Those Crewe boys make me laugh so hard

Make me think "what a pair of fucktards"

If they come and try it

I’m gonna let em have it

Shove my uzi up their muthafuckin' arse and fire it

Longton-based rhymemaster Prince Killa, who made the notorious album 'Straight Outta Longton', soon added his thoughts via the medium of rap:

Yo daddy so proud o’ ya

I wish you were Marvin Gaye

So yo daddy would kill ya

Aiiii

Finally, here was MC Davezilla's response:

Don’t lie to me fool

Ain't no guns in crewe

Betta not cum to stoke

Cus we’ll shoot ya in the throat

Everyone in Stoke's hip hop community is eagerly awaiting a response from the Crewe massive.

Sanctions Against North Longton Being Breached, Says UN

Ten thousand packets of cigarettes, 1200 bottles of Lambrini and a handful of second-hand Vauxhall Nova cars are among the latest reported breaches of a UN ban on luxury goods sales to North Longton, according to a confidential draft UN report that Eye on Stoke has obtained. Don't ask us how.

Fenton councillors told a UN panel of experts that North Longton had also imported thousands of "Paul's Boutique" hoodies and thousands of pounds worth of spray tan.

"Paul's Boutique" clothes,
not at all chavvy

Two rounds of UN sanctions imposed on North Longton for recent firework tests it carried out ban the sale of luxury items to locals. It was also hit with a arms embargo and is forbidden from trading in mobile phones.

The UN panel also said it was investigating possible North Longton firework-related sales to Crewe and Stone.
The panel of experts wrote that North Longton residents and visitors said luxury cars such as Vauxhall Novas were seen in the city and that luxury goods, including fake Timex watches,  were openly available.

The report is printed on embossed paper, and watermarked with a picture of Angelina Jolie.

"Crim" Released, Probably Guilty

Mackenzie Shenton became one of the youngest people ever to be released from criminal detention in Stoke today when Fenton Magistrates Court, the highest court in Stoke, released him after he served seven years in a cell at Hanley Police Station after having been arrested for "lingering with intent".

Shenton, 24, emerged with his mother, Sue (aged 50), on to the steps of the court, where, in front of a crowd of chavs and crims, he was sprayed with WKD by the friends and supporters who have long campaigned for his release.

Shenton, of Longton, was just 18 when he was arrested by Staffordshire Police for "lingering with intent" near to Tesco in Longton. He was kept in cells awaiting criminal charges for seven years. The magistrates court is now expected to ask Staffordshire Police to drop all charges against him.

Outside the court, Staffordshire Police spokesman, PC Barry Shanks, said: "I am just shocked. I knew this would happen, the courts are a load of shite. Staffordshire Police has gone through hell, keeping this little scrote in our cells for seven years without charge, it is like we were all being tortured. All of us have suffered. We kept him out of society's reach, and this is the thanks we get?"

The only evidence against him was two witnesses who claimed Shenton was "looking shifty" near to the supermarket. One of the witnesses was a middle class old woman, the other was a Daily Mail reader.

Shenton's release comes after a campaign run by friends and family and supported by the entertainer Jonathan Wilkes. Wilkes criticised Staffordshire Police and demanded answers. He said there had been "a cocking outrageous miscarriage of justice" on BBC's Blue Peter. He also added: "This is up there with OJ Simpson's sensational trial of the 1990s as one of the best, and you can read all about my take on it in my forthcoming book, 'Jonathan Wilkes: The Long Walk to Freedom'."

More Stoke Facts

More than 25,000 people live in each square mile of Stoke.

Tunstall's Chinatown has the largest Chinese community in the Western world.

In 2011, Stoke had 150 million visitors. Most of them were people driving along the M6.

Stoke was purchased from native Americans for £24.

A typical Native American

Stoke is known as the "Venice of England" for its canal system. The canals are the Trent & Mersey Canal and Cauldon Canal.

Stoke is home to 58 different species of nettles.

South Longton is 75% landfill.

Longton Rocked By Blasts

Longton has suffered its worst terrorist attack since the start of the recent gang ceasefire when 25 people were reported killed and nearly 400 injured in twin suicide car bomb blasts near Tesco.

Westsiders blamed Southsiders for the attack on Thursday, saying it was carried out "in the service of the interests of Israel". Southsiders in turn accused Westsiders of carrying out the bombings to smear them as terrorists.



Longton, before the bombings

The death toll was the biggest in Longton since the start of the peace process of recent weeks. "Two booby-trapped Vauxhall Novas loaded with more than 1,000kg of fireworks and stink bombs and driven by suicide bombers carried out the terrorist blasts," said a statement by Longton councillor Ken Walley. The explosions left two large craters, later filled with water and used as "fun pools" by locals. Stoke City TV showed bodies lying in the street amid smouldering vehicles.

The blasts have been condemned internationally. Kofi Annan, the special envoy for the UN and Arab League, said it was vital to implement his six-point plan for peace in Longton. Buck Clamknocker, the US ambassador to Stoke, said the bombings "remind us of the urgent need for a political solution in Stoke before it is too late".

One angry local racist the bombings as the work of "EU-backed eurocrats". A Port Vale fan website showed the man pointing to the debris and saying: "Is this freedom? This is the work of asylum seekers."

Longton Gangs Call Truce

Two of the largest rival gangs in Longton have recently called a truce, leading to its first murder-free day for years. Much of the violence is blamed on Longton drug cartels that use the town as a transit point for the whole of Stoke. Imprisoned gang leaders announced in a press conference in the play pen area of HMP Werrington today that they have declared Stoke's schools as peace zones. It was an event greeted with astonishment and celebration: on Wednesday 09 May nobody was murdered in Longton.

That this should be news underlined how much this small Stoke town has become accustomed to about 15 murders a day, one of Stoke's highest rates. The murder-free day reflected a dramatic fall in gang violence, beginning during school holidays in April. Last week there were, on average, about five killings a day.

A "gang-banger" in Longton

But the now relatively-peaceful slums of Longton are hardly jubilant. Instead, they are watchful, tense and suspicious. "This is a peace negotiated behind closed doors that fails to address the underlying causes of violence," said local priest Derek Murphy, who works in communities riven with gang violence. "This is a thug's peace."

Such scepticism is widespread. Bloodshed has decreased not because poverty has disappeared, or because the ramshackle town has acquired effective police, courts and jails, but because the two most powerful gangs, the Southsiders and Westsiders, have called a truce.

"There will be 200 fewer dead Longtonians a month," said Mick Walley, a former gang member who now rehabilitates others through the group Longton Homies. "This is an opening, part of a peace process that we have been pushing for years."

Local Drugs For Local People

A ban on "outsiders" (non-Stokies) buying marijuana came into effect in parts of Stoke today, with a protest planned in Longton. 

Cannabis is technically illegal in Stoke, but it is sold openly in small amounts all over the city under the city council's famed tolerance policy.

The city council has said that, as of today, only people with a Stoke accent, or a tattoo of one the badges of local football teams Stoke City or Port Vale, will be allowed to purchase the drug, and non-Stokies are not eligible.

The policy does not take effect in Longton until next year, and may never do so. Locals oppose the idea and drug dealers there will disobey the policy. Stoners plan a protest there later today, if they can be bothered to get up on time.

North Longton's Rocket Fails

North Longton's much anticipated bottle rocket launch has ended in failure, splintering into pieces over the A50 soon after lift-off. The reclusive Stoke ward admitted today in an announcement on Signal Gold radio that a "satellite of love" launched hours earlier failed to enter into orbit in the skies around Stoke. Fenton and South Longton also declared the launch a failure.

The bottle rocket - seen by many as a banned test of firework technology - was launched from north-west Longton early on Friday.

Fenton, Trentham and South Longton say it flew only for a short time before breaking up and crashing. North Longton said its party planning committee were assessing what had caused the failure. North Longton says the aim of the launch was to put a smile on people’s faces, but Fenton and other Stoke wards say the launch constituted a test of firework technology banned under city council resolutions.

In a statement, city council elders condemned the launch, despite its failure. Darts champion Phil “Fingers” Taylor called the launch deplorable.

The city council is due to meet later at a hog roast and disco to discuss the launch. Chell Heath, North Longton's closest ally, has called for calm and restraint on the Longton peninsula.

“North Longton's attempt at a firework display is a clear breach of the city council resolution,” said council spokesman Mick Miller. “The resolution prohibits any launch using fireworks unless a special license has been granted, like for a birthday party or on bonfire night, for example.”

The bottle rocket's failure is an embarrassment for North Longton’s leaders. It will also come as a relief to other Stoke wards who are worried about North Longton's potential to develop other long range fireworks.

South Longton’s leaders said that North Longton's behaviour was of concern to the whole of Stoke. "Despite the failure of its attempted firework launch, North Longton's provocative action threatens peace and quiet and contravenes its own recent commitments to stop dicking about," spokesman Dave Hill said.

North Longton conducted a similar bottle rocket launch after a dinner party in 2009. On that occasion, South Longton analysts said the rockets failed to go off properly - but North Longton said it was a success and its guests were “well impressed”.

Ceasefire In Longton

UN chief Ban Ki-moon and his envoy were encouraged that a ceasefire appears to be holding in Longton, but urged rival chav groups to keep their promises and said a single incident could derail the fragile peace.

Mr Ban told a news conference in Hanley that it is the responsibility of warring street urchins to keep their promise and hold to a ceasefire. "As of this moment the situation looks calmer. We are following it very closely," Mr Ban said.

"The world is watching, however, with sceptical eyes, since many promises previously made by teen chavs in Longton have not been kept. The onus is on the rival gangs to prove that their words will be matched by their deeds at this time," he said.

Shortly after the 10am deadline passed this morning, there was no sign of wedgies or knock-a-door-run attacks in Longton. But a Longton news agency said "six or seven chavs" launched a roadside egging that embarrassed a local nerd.

"This ceasefire process is very fragile. It may be broken any time," Mr Ban said. "We are just hoping the ceasefire lasts until the kids go back to school next week."

Woman Critical After Being Hit By Falling Badger

A badger hurled from a high window in Longton has seriously hurt a woman, 73, when it hit her on the head.

The pet badger was thrown out of the fourth floor window of a block of flats in south Longton as a married couple had a BLAZING row.

Actual badger not pictured

During their quarrel the husband [Degg Minstrel, 53] picked up the family badger and threw it at his wife [Jessie, 19], who ducked. The badger then flew out of an open window, landing on Ginny Head’s head as she crossed the street below.

The victim, a former fortune teller, is described as being in a critical condition in hospital after suffering a fractured skull.

The badger didn’t survive the fall.