Jelly Badgers FTW

The city-wide annual vote to find Stokies' favourite animal-shaped food has been held, with Jelly Badgers voted number one for the fifth consecutive year, marking a remarkable turnaround for the chewy treat.

"If someone had said to me seven years ago that Jelly Badgers would be popular ever again, I would have ripped their throat out, done a piss and a shit down the gaping throat hole, punched their tits out then written 'liar scum' on their head with a permanent marker pen. Then told them to shut up and stop lying," food expert and EYE ON STOKE columnist Chef Barry Cockles said.

Chocolate monkeys were second in the poll and beef turtles third.

Spudulike Scandal

Potato rights groups are protesting about how the vegetables are treated by the fast food outlet Spudulike in the Potteries Centre.

"They're killing them purely for profit, it's ridiculous and has to stop," activist Pippa Pronto said. "If we treated humans like this, we wouldn't tolerate it, so why is it acceptable for potatoes? They're living beings too."

"They're farming lots of them in small spaces, it's totally inhumane," Barnaby Pfunk added. "No-one should be forced to live like that. And they top it off by killing them by cooking them alive in a microwave. It's an outrage!"

Spudulike has so far refused to comment.

Big Mama's House

Everyone loves Stoke City legend Mamady "Big Mama" Sidibe, and with good reason. Well, now we can all show our love for him in more ways than waving from the touchline and singing obscene songs on a Saturday afternoon as the star has opened his own patisserie called 'Melice' in the Potteries Shopping Centre, just along from the Yankee Candle shop.

On offer are authentic French baked goods and traditional soft drinks such as Tizer. Stoke City manager Mark Hughes and current players attended the grand opening, making it the most star-studded event of the summer.

Emergency Oatcakes Flown To Pulis

Staff at RAF Trentham have stepped in to help former Stoke City manager Tony Pulis get his fix of oatcakes by flying deliveries of the savoury delights straight to the man himself, even though he now lives down south!

"TP is an honorary Stokie and we're happy to help," says Lieutenant Cumberland Holdcroft. "We've been doing Tony's deliveries for years, he offered to buy his own but we wouldn't let him, for security reasons."

"You can't get proper food in London, literally everyone knows that," adds Corporal Chet Finnegan. "They're like savages down there."

Worlds Most Valuable Oatcake To Go On Show

"Big Kev", perhaps the most famous oatcake in the world, and certainly the most valuable, is to go on display at the Potteries Museum in Hanley throughout December as a Christmas treat to Stokies.

The diamond encrusted culinary masterpiece was made in 1986 by a crack team of expert oatcakeers and jewellers to celebrate the National Back Yard Festival, held in Stoke that year. Owned by an investment bank in Zurich, Big Kev has not been on public display since 1997 when controversy overshadowed his appearance.

A typical diamond

"That was the time when a group of Chinese claimed to have created a more valuable one," says oatcake historian Geoffrey Hunger-Games. "It caused quite the stir. Their claim was soon shown to be fraudulent though: they had used real gemstones but a fake oatcake."

Since then Big Kev has been kept in a special vault to keep the diamonds in prime condition.

What's The Beef?

By Dick Mellor, the people's champion.

Why are we all so bothered that our beef supplies have turned out to be largely horse meat? I'll tell you why: because the lefty, lesbi-friends, veggie elite, who want to turn us all into mindless automatons who get our nutrients from "natural" foods and hug trees, have made such a fuss about it. Well I for one won't be giving up meat and will be buying up supplies of the beef lasagne that contains the horse meat, I don't care. Give me a scorpion on a stick, like that lot of commies in the Orient eat, I'll take it, as long as it's classed as meat. Eating meat is natural and it's the only way we can to stand up to this menace.

I also see that our clam-munching friends at the Guardian are trying to put an end to Page 3. I met a Guardian reader once and he was a pervert. If I wanna look at titties, and I do, then I should be allowed to do so. If you don't like looking at titties, then fuck off to commie China, where titties are outlawed.

*This week's column is dedicated to our departing Pope.

Horse DNA Found In Oatcakes

Stokies have been shocked to the core by the recent revelation that horsemeat has been discovered in oatcake dishes for sale in local shops.

"I'm shocked," says oatcake fan Barry Riley. "But it won't stop me from buying the savoury treats, it's too late for that."

"I'm really happy about this," says vegetarian Gary Riley. "I hope all you meat-munching fucks out there get mad cow disease. Serves you right."

"Maybe we're more like the French than we thought," says racist thug Rachel Slink. "Next thing you know we'll be having cheese and snail oatcakes."