2016 Review: February

Valentine's Day in Stoke normally means one thing: riots! By angry young men! But this year, the riots never happened, as Stoke was hit by a series of tidal waves that quite literally washed the scum from the streets, and left the city under 30 feet of water. In the aftermath, Stoke reverted to a sea-based pirate culture where only the strongest and most vicious survived.

Elsewhere, a human shit in an adult playground in Fegg Hayes was discovered with the face of Jesus in it. A religious community was formed around the shit, leading to a shanty town being built at the site to house the Christians and their icon. A holy war broke out between the Christians and local heathens, costing the lives of thousands, which only ended when someone accidentally stepped on the shit.

Bogdor Library

The Bogdor Library, situated just north of the Fegg Hayes Royal Botanical Gardens, is a rare example of a British 16th Century parish library.

Founded in around 1585 by Sir Bog Dorkins, it was established to provide an education for the choir boys of the local church, St Doug The Destroyers. It was later given to the church on a 750 year lease.

A large portion of the library still exists to this day and provides an insight into scholarship, religion and kiddy porn excused as art.

Most of the library's treasures are pictures of choir boys, in various states of athletic action and undress.

A definitive history of the Bogdor Library can be found in the book 'My choir boy likes to party all the time!' by Professor Hannah Stump-Bunting.

Stephen Milligan Day Under Threat

Next year's Stephen Milligan Day is in danger of being cancelled after Stoke Flex Ltd, the company who normally provide electrical cords for the celebration, went into liquidation.

"This would be a crippling blow to Stoke's social calendar," socialite Phoenella Smith-Smith wrote in her column in the Daily Gargoyle.

The day started as an ironic celebration by non-Conservatives of the death of Milligan, before Tories started joining in to try and reclaim the day, before pretty much everyone in the city started celebrating it as a city holiday.

"This is exactly how Christianity began," historian Paul Grundies said. "In 2000 years time, Milligan may be worshipped as a GOD."

Milligan died on 07 February in 1994, having a cheeky wank while strangling himself with electrical cord, dressed in stockings and suspenders, having a bin bag on his head and a drug-soaked orange segment in his mouth.

"Jesus died in slightly different circumstances," Grundies adds. "Though similarities exist."

Midweek Worship

With Reverend Nigel Gedge of St Terry's Church in Cobridge

We should all say a prayer for the missing people of flight MH370. In mine, I pray that they all chose to follow the correct God before the inevitable crash that killed them.

People are angry that the NSA are spying on them via their phones or the internet. I don't know why because God has been watching us all for every minute of every day, ever since he invented the Earth and mankind. Which was 8,000 years ago.

The show 'Rev' is back on BBC 2, showing the lighter side of our life and work. What the people making this show don't realise is that there is no fun to be had as a reverend, this is God's work and is not for jokers.

Controversial Pastor Dies

Ken Felcher, leader of the controversial Weston Coyney Baptist Church, has died, it has been confirmed by God. Via his family.

"Ken led a superb life, a God-fearing life, according to scripture," his son Terry announced. "He will take up his rightful place at God's side in heaven, where he belongs."

The church has hit the local headlines many times for its controversial practises, which include picketing the funerals of high profile people they deem to be ungodly. Targets included bisexuals, dwarves, people with unnatural hair colours and former players of Port Vale. Its members would often carry signs with slogans such as "God hates mongs" and "Vale scum" to funerals.

"We hope that people will show our leader some respect and not picket his funeral in revenge for everything we've done," Terry Felcher added. "Seriously."

Housewife Would Have Antichrist

Stoke housewife Rebecca Carp has said that she would be prepared to raise the offspring of the royal lord of evil, Satan.

Mrs Carp is reported to have told strangers she doesn't know that if a child of her's turned out to be the child of Satan, she would still love it and raise it as if it was a "norm".

"I was shocked," said an onlooker. "I'm of a delicate disposition and hearing such bile literally turned my stomach inside out. I've tried washing but the stain won't go away."

Council Vote Controversy Shitstorm

Stoke City Council has been heavily criticised after hosting a vote on its website for people to choose the worst religion.

"Just last week, our vote was for Stoke's best bollards," said city councillor Tuft Makepeas. "I didn't see EYE ON STOKE covering that. No, but as soon as we toss out a hot potato like religion, EYE ON STOKE is the first in there to catch it you fuckers."

Here's a selection of votes and comments from the poll:

"It's gotta be the Catholics cus of all of them paedo priests an that" - Jeff, Dresden

"Call me an ignorant racist but it's muslimism all the way 4 me" - Sharon, Cobridge

"They're all as bad as each other, bunch of simpletons who believe in all that shit" - Travis, Trentham

"All the rest of them aside from Christianity" - Mary, Stockton Brook

Sunday Sabbath

With Reverend Nigel

The situation in Syria is getting worse all the time. I will say a prayer for the poor people there; without the love and protection of a proper God, they are surely doomed, even if they survive the current war.

Broadcaster Sir David Frost has died. If he tried to take me through God's keyhole before it was my time, I would have been most unhappy. That would have been the week that was (his demise).

My now former best friend, and organist, recently came out as gay. I offered to cure him but he was not interested. If you would like to be the new organist at my church, then please write to: Reverend Nigel Gedge, St Terry's Church, Cobridge, Stoke-on-Trent. Please mark your envelope with the legend "God's musician".

Sunday Sermon

With Reverend Nigel

Wayne Rooney wants to leave Manchester United because he's worried he won't be first choice. Well, he should come and join Team Jesus, where everyone is first choice, every week.

Am I GLEEful that actor Cory Monteith has passed? No, but he's in a better place now, with the best chorus of them all to sing with. Though, thinking about it, he was in 'Glee', which promoted bumming, and he was a user of arm heroins, so he's probably not made it into the better place at all.

I see that a 16 year old British girl has got into trouble for running off with an older Turkish waiter. The only man I ever ran off with was our lord and saviour Jesus Christ, and I got into the opposite of trouble, i.e. eternal happiness.

Amen.

Sunday Prayers

With Reverend Nigel

There is continuing troubles in Northern Ireland. I say let them have at it. God is the winner either way.

TV show 'Arrested Development' has returned for a new series on Netflix. Jesus came back from the dead first, quit copying.

There's been lots of trouble in Turkey lately. That's what happens when you choose to worship false idols.

Some politicians have been allegedly offering parliamentary services for money. Jesus performed his miracles for free and yet we've put these corrupt politicians in charge instead of His followers like me? Put the vicars in charge now, it's what God would want.

Midweek Prayers

With Reverend Nigel

One Direction may be celebrating recent chart success, but my favourite boy band will always be the 12 disciples of Jesus. Apart from Judas, the Robbie Williams of the group.

Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement. People point to his many cups as reason for his greatness. Well, Jesus Christ was the best manager of them all and he only needed one cup.

A big reason for Sir Alex's success was that he drank a lot of the blood of Christ, aka: red wine. Let this be a lesson to you all.

Sunday Service

With Reverend Nigel

Some people say science is better than religion because it's always changing its mind on things. That means that at any given time science is probably wrong about almost everything. God is always right and always has been.

Scientists say that the climate is changing and the Earth is getting warmer because of things like carbon dioxide. Bollocks. It is because God is unhappy with certain people's lifestyle choices.

My neighbours ask me if there is anything wrong with being of a different religious denomination to me. No, I say, there's nothing wrong with that, just don't expect to get into the Kingdom of Heaven when you die.

McDonald's are offering some of their products from as little as 99p. Well, God has been offering his love for free for eternity. I know which I'd rather get fat on.

Religious View

By Reverend Nigel Gedge from St Terry's Chuch, Cobridge

Kelly Brook has been in the papers a lot lately and is considered one of the sexiest women in the world by many men. But for me, the fairest of them all is Mary, mother of Jesus.

Women who dress in skimpy clothing or are reckless with their bodies are given lots of bad names: slut, skank, slag, beeyatch, dick jockey, cum-bucket, spunk-vampire, to name but a few. I would like to add another name to that list: heathen.

Manchester United may have secured their 20th title as English champions, but before they celebrate too hard, they should remember that Jesus has been world champion over 2000 times.

Falklands War II

With the second Falklands War about to get the nod, how do Stokies feel about another battle with the Argies? And with a new Argentine Pope adding an interesting religious twist to the war, it's sure to be one of the highlights of the year.

Right-wing EYE ON STOKE columnist, and war enthusiast, Dick Mellor offers his opinion on this whole sorry mess:

"If the Argies don't want any proper 'argy bargy', they should keep their noses out of our shit. We all know what happened last time, they surrendered quicker than a Frenchman in high heels. The filthy Argies have no claim on these islands, either historical, territorial, ethnic or ethical, and know as much, the cheeky bastards. I say let's hit these temperamental latin southerners them with a pre-emptive strike, designed to knock out important information and power relays. Let's show these backwards bitches that we mean business. If they fail to heed the warning, then let's bomb them back to the stone age. They're not far from it anyway in my opinion."

Steve Hyde (real name: Stephane Dudley-Williams) is EYE ON STOKE's newest columnist, signed on a Bosman as he was unattached to any rival publications. He offers his left wing view on the situation:

"We should not give the Falklands back to Argentina. Nor should we keep them. I say: FREE DA PEOPLE! We've kept the Falklanders as slaves for long enough now, it's time to let them go! Either that or give them to Cuba. Hail Castro. Let's fight the capitalist war machine, starting right now with these useless awkward bastards in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Power to the people!"

Cathedral Controversy

Hanley Cathedral is facing a deepening controversy over the burial 23 years ago of a notorious local crime boss, with reports emerging that the church accepted a £450 payment from the mobster's widow to allow his interment there.

A source at the Church of England told EYE ON STOKE that the then cardinal, Kenny Tarbuck, gave his blessing to the controversial interment of Steve Mingekicker, the former boss of Longton's notorious westside gang. The money was reportedly used to hold a disco for choirboys and to restore toilets.

The claims, which the Church of England has not officially commented on, may explain how such a criminal was buried in one of Stokes holiest sites, currently undergoing reconstruction work following a fire caused by a faulty lava lamp. Last week, to deflect growing criticism, it emerged that cathedral officials had decided to move the remains of Mingekicker from his special crypt.

It is likely that the body of Mingekicker will be moved to a less high-profile place of rest. The location will be decided after consulting a ouija board.

Stoke’s Top Cleric Stands Down

Stoke's highest Catholic, Cardinal Gary Grundies, has been forced to stand down after historic allegations of inappropriate behaviour were made against him.

The allegations, that date back to Grundies's time as a young priest, have yet to be investigated. The claims by other priests include the allegation that he once did a shit in the middle of a nun's playground, that he regularly flicked other priests' bare backsides with towels in changing rooms and that he once made a group of YTS priests play a game of "spunky biscuit".

Cardinal Grundies, who was on the panel that chooses the panel that will choose the panel that decides who the next pope will be, has decided to devote more time to his music career. He will keep his title and robes as part of his severance package.

Stokie To Become Pope?

When current Pope Benedict stands down at the end of the month, word on the street is that the next man in line to replace him could be a Stokie.

The Archbishop of Packmoor, Terry Biggins, has so far refused to rule himself out of the race for the big job.

Archbishop Terry Biggins

"Although I'm happy here in Packmoor, if one of the big teams like The Vatican comes in for me, I will have to consider my options," he told Signal Gold breakfast host Mad Mick.

"I'm an ambitious man and would love to get into Europe and onto the big stage," he added.