Potteries Museum To Hold Wilkes Exhibition?

Following the success of the recent exhibition about Robbie Williams, rumour has it that the Potteries Museum in Hanley is gearing up to put on a show about Jonathan Wilkes.

"The Robbie Williams show was, for my money, testing the waters ahead of a show about Wilkes," said Wendy Whiggal, secretary of fan club The Wilkes Explosion and columnist in its accompanying monthly magazine. "That's the show the people of Stoke really want and it looks like they're going to get it."

"If a Robbie Williams show gets record numbers, then a Wilkes show would get even more record numbers," Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board added. "We have a permanent display to Wilkes at Cobridge Town Hall and would be happy to help out the museum with their show."

The Potteries Museum has so far stayed tight-lipped about the rumours. "We do not comment on transfer speculation or gossip," museum director Mandy Pickaxe told listeners to Signal Gold'. "We have a chance to show the entire Staffordshire Hoard, or we can do a show about Wilkes. I'm not saying anything."

"I'll take that as a yes," Wendy Whiggal replied. "A load of old buried gold or the diamond of Stoke's entertainment scene. I think we all know which is best."

No Surprise At Rise In Underage Pregnancies

Stokies have reacted with indifference to news that underage  pregnancies are on the rise.

"The only thing that I'm surprised about is that the number is so low," said cultural commentator and the Cobridge Tourist Board's Dave Murray. "I'd have put the number at like 50% of girls, not 42 for the whole city. I'm disappointed."

Teachers in city schools have been giving extra contraception advice in classes as part of the City Council's drive for Stoke to lose it's tag as the underage sex capital of Britain.

"We advise children to use any available bag or wrapping as makeshift condoms," says teacher Gill Mustard. "Be that a crisp packet or cling film, it's all good craic."

Old Woman News Update

In 1997, EYE ON STOKE brought you the following heart-warming story:

Bog standard old woman Gill Horseradish thought she was on the employment "scrapheap" when she reached the age of 90 - until she got a job as a bouncer!

Taking the minimum wage job at Mistress Wendy's Massage Parlour in Cobridge, Gill soon found she had skills beyond hitting over-zealous men with hammers - she was also good at conflict resolution!

"As an old woman, I naturally like to poke my nose into other people's problems," explained Mrs Horseradish. "Which comes in handy when trying to solve problems our whores have with the 'johns' or their pimps."

Since the above was written, Mrs Horseradish has been sentenced to a 50 year prison sentence for racketeering. She will end her pitiful life at HMP Werrington.

End Called To Disaster

Stoke City Council have now called an official end to the disaster phase, following a relatively mild day. That is all.

Hope For Cobridge

Poor road and river access continue to hamper the relief efforts. A massive jam built up at Smallthorne roundabouts, where the complex series of small roundabouts confused foreign aid workers. Meanwhile, roadworks on Potteries Way caused tailbacks there also.

Former American President Bill Clinton arrived on behalf of the UN, and immediately highlighted the plight of young women. "This disaster has had a devastating effect on families," he said. "Everywhere I have been in Cobridge, all I see is pregnant young women and single mothers having to do it all by themselves. The men aren't around anymore, probably killed in a meaningless war, but we are here, and we can help. I want to get hands-on with these young women."

Many people have been unable to see a doctor or dentist in Cobridge and have had to travel into other parts of Stoke for simple medical appointments. Bill Clinton described the situation as "not good enough".

US Navy search and rescue teams found a large group of young teenagers hanging around an amusement arcade who said they had nowhere to go. Their speech was barely comprehensible to the Navy team members. The teens were taken to be held at the nearby US military base until they can be adopted overseas. It is rumoured that Madonna has shown an interest.

More than 100 people have now been rescued from their crumbling homes. Many of them were too proud to accept help and had to be forcibly removed from their property while others were in such a state of shock they didn't even realise they needed help.

People in Africa have been encouraged to send clothes and food to the people of Cobridge. Leading African musicians are planning to record a charity song and to host a big concert to raise money and awareness of the situation.

The twelve hour Hope For Cobridge Telethon hosted by Jonathan Wilkes has raised more than £57,000. Organisers claim this as the biggest telethon ever. Highlights of the show included Bono hugging a member of the crowd who was wearing a Stoke City shirt to show how much he cares. Sting meanwhile brought along someone from Cobridge to highlight his plight. The man's tribal tattoos and piercings were of particular interest to the crowd.

Situation Worsens, Bono Gets Involved

As the situation in Cobridge fails to improve, the Cobridge Appeal Fund has been set up to help pay for the clean up. £120 has already been raised. Former Prime Minister Tony Blairs was quick to praise the generosity of the British people. "The generosity of people, even when some have so little to give, which is Gordon Brown's fault not mine, has humbled even me, Tony Blairs."

BBC News correspondents have described Cobridge as "apocalyptic", and estimate around 80-90% of buildings are uninhabitable. The BBC News team even came across an old man, having to sleep in a cardboard box in an alleyway. He was trying to heat up some food on a spoon with a cigarette lighter. He had to wear a belt on his arm to fight the cold.

Dieter Rathaus, an official from the German Department of Social Affairs has been to visit the affected area. "It's horrific. There have been reports of gangs preying on local residents and spraying graffiti on walls. I've seen houses with windows boarded up. I've never heard anything like it. All my colleagues are freaked out and shaken. People were crying."

Reports claim that a large number of people leave the affected area every morning between 8am and 9am. However, a similar number of people seem to arrive in the area between 5pm and 6pm. UN Police have fired rounds at the people trying to enter the area in the evening, to little avail.

British Rail and Virgin Trains have started to transport aid into the city. Richard Branson has pledged £150,00 from his Richard Branson's Changing Suit charity programme, which gives tailored suits to the poor and needy. His trains will transport the suits. British Rail meanwhile has removed seats from its economy class section to store water containers, purification equipment and pumps. "I've not seen anyone drinking water since I've been here," explained a Unicef ambassador, one of the first people to arrive in the area. "The people seem to live on fizzy drinks and alcohol. Oh, the humanity!"

The World breathed a collective sigh of relief later with the news that Bono has become involved in the campaign. "Celebrity is currency, and I want to spend myself in Cobridge," he said. "I love the work I do. It's a privilege to serve the poor. But we're not here today for a victory lap, we're here to overtake poverty. Because the situation in Cobridge is outrunning us. Every World era has its defining struggle and the fate of Cobridge is ours. And you know what's amazing? Everywhere I go, I see the same compassion as I see all over the world. And, increasingly, I see the same conviction that we can and we must join together to help Cobridge."

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, one of the first overseas politician to offer help to Cobridge, had some positive words. "The USA will be here today, tomorrow and for foreseeable future to overthrow any local warlords and to ensure peace here by any means necessary. I believe that Cobridge can come back even better and stronger in the future."

Jonathan Wilkes has announced that he will be hosting a telethon to help raise funds. Stars confirmed for the show include Sting, Bono and Pete Waterman. Robbie Williams will pre-record a message of good luck to Jonathan Wilkes for the show.

Cobridge Update

Thousands are spending a second night without phone lines or broadband access.

The first UN aid boats have come up the River Trent to provide much needed cigarettes and scratch cards to businesses hit hard by the disaster.

Freelance photographer Gil Trusthouse told Signal Gold radio that he saw a roadblock formed by teenage chavs. "They charged a fiver to let me through," he said. "This is clearly a call for help, an act of anger against God and Government," he added.

BBC Stoke reporter Percival Cok has said that the situation in Cobridge was becoming increasingly desparate, with no sense of a co-ordinated clean-up effort, and scant oatcake supplies and alcohol only trickling in.

This afternoon, officials at the UN have said that 10 of its 100 people based in the city have yet to report after going out into the city last night.

The US has been among those sending rescue packs by plane, although there are reports they have been mistakenly dropping wanted posters of Fidel Castro instead.

Prime Minister David Cameron has been quick to respond to the situation. "I think the harrowing area of Cobridge being broadcast on people's TV screens brings home to everyone the sheer scale of suffering that the people of Stoke go through," he said.

Nick Clegg also added his thoughts on the situation. "Broadcasting the harrowing area of Cobridge on people's TV screens brings home the sheer scale of suffering through which the people of Stoke are going."

Dramatic stories of survival and courage have began to emerge. Police have pulled fity-year-old Phil Machin from his shed, where he had been trapped for two hours after a leak in the roof caused the door lock to jam. His magazine collection is said to be "decimated". Elsewhere, efforts to rescue survivors trapped in a Yates's Wine Lodge in Cobridge have so far proved unsuccessful, with efforts being done by locals with simple tools or with their bare hands. Spirits are said to be low with those trapped inside.

Meanwhile, UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon has asked for donations of clothes and money. "The locals have been reduced to wearing tracksuits and hoodies on a daily basis," he explained. "It's terrible. We have to help."

Tragedy In Cobridge

There are reports of substantial damage in Stoke-on-Trent after the recent devastating rainfall and medium-strength winds. The epicentre of the heavy showers was in the densely populated area of Cobridge.

Phone lines to the town were cut off during the downpour, which was followed by two further short bursts of rain. The extent of the damage was initially unclear.

As dawn broke this morning, the toll of the rain fall started to become clearer. The first pictures show city streets strewn with litter and lots of dilapidated buildings.

Local Concillor Ken "Fish" Burgess described Cobridge as "a mess". "Sheds have collapsed, outdoor vending machines have fallen and grids are overflowing," he added.

Witnesses have reported fighting on the streets, but no sign of any significant relief effort so far. The Red Cross has warned of difficulties in providing emergency aid because of tailbacks on the M6.

The civilian head of the United Nations was told about Stoke and is said to be "appalled". In Washington DC, President Obama has been shown photographs of Cobridge. He gave "unconditional support" to the people of Cobridge for what he called the "cruel and incomprehensible conditions in which they are forced to live".

Woman Told To Work As Hooker Or Lose Benefits

A Stoke woman who turned down a job providing "services'' at a massage parlour in Cobridge faces possible cuts to her unemployment benefit under laws introduced by the current government.

Kelly Holdcroft, an unemployed information technology professional, had said that she was willing to work in a bar at night and had worked in a cafe.

Could this be a massage parlour?

She received a letter from the Jobcentre telling her that an employer was interested in her "profile'' and that she should ring them. Only on doing so did the woman realise that she was calling a massage parlour.

Under the government's benefit reforms, anyone who has been out of work for more than a year can be forced to take any available job offered to them or lose their unemployment benefit.

When Ms Holdcroft looked into suing the Jobcentre, she found out that it had not broken the law. Jobcentres that refuse to penalise people who turn down a job by cutting their benefits face legal action from the potential employer.

Police Warn People To Check Their Drugs

Sue Ball, 50, was none too pleased to discover the crack cocaine she bought was actually plain old sugar! The Burlsem woman was not about to be ripped off, and called the police to report her dealer!

Ball called Staffordshire Police to report her dealer for theft, telling them she paid £30 for crack cocaine and was given sugar instead.

Some sugar

Ball asked the officers to arrest her dealer for theft and also asked them to secure a refund for her. She also reported the dealer to the Office of Fair Trading.

Officers went to the address where Ball claimed she had purchased the crack but the residents denied selling drugs and refused to allow officers into their home. The police officers decided to call it a night as their shift was nearing an end.

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said: "People need to check what they've bought is the real deal. Only buy from a dealer you trust."

In Focus: Cobridge

Cobridge is located just above Stoke city centre (Hanley).

The name Cobridge comes from 'cob ridge', a ridge in the town where corn-on-the-cob was first grown!

The "Cobridge lights" is a formation of red lights that can be seen in Cobridge at night. No-one knows what causes them to appear.

The potato fritter was invented in Cobridge in 1841.

50% of women from Cobridge have a tattoo on at least one of their ankles.

During WW2, Hitler ordered that Cobridge should not be bombed.

Cobridge has the highest concentration of massage parlours-to-people of anywhere in the British Isles!

The Cobridge Opera Company (COC) is one of the best known in the area, and is about to launch its new show, 'Phil Taylor: The Opera'!

The world's first 5-wheel car was built in Cobridge in 1947.

People from Cobridge must live life to the fullest! That's probably why they have the shortest life expectancy of people from anywhere in Staffordshire.

British Prime Minister David Cameron has yet to visit Cobridge. Coward.

Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Pensioners Anger At Crouch Over Budget's Tax Changes

Pensioners across Stoke were outraged at Peter Crouch today over chancellor George [real name: Gideon] Osborne's latest budget which sees a tax cut from 50% to 45% for the highest earners but a freeze on age-related allowances for pensioners.

"No comment"

"Crouchy is quite literally taking my money to make himself richer," says Cobridge pensioner Ken Riddle. "It's a disgrace. I hope he thinks about me the next time he has sex with his wife and is disgusted with himself."

Ken Riddle

Fellow pensioner Doris Ahmed is also angry at Crouch. "I didn't fight in two World Wars so lanky streaks of piss like Crouchy can fill their pockets while my benefits are, in effect, cut. I hope he thinks about me the next time he has sex with his wife and is pleased with himself."

Crouch has yet to comment on chancellor Osborne's budget.

Getaway Car Smashes Into Massage Parlour After Burglary

Three suspected burglars were arrested last night after a getaway car smashed into a massage parlour in Cobridge following a raid on a kebeb shop. The Vauxhall Nova crashed into Sunshine Massage on Battlestar Road in the early hours of yesterday.

Police believe the suspects were fleeing a burglary at Turkish Ken's Kebab Emporium on Regeneration Road, which happened half an hour earlier at around 1.50am.

Two 12-year-olds from Bentilee and a 15-year-old from Werrington were later arrested on suspicion of burglary.

Sally "Big Sal" Jones , 50, who runs Sunshine Massage, said the car first hit a mobility scooter before smashing through the downstairs entrance. Sally said: "Thankfully there were some police officers here when it happened, so they were able to arrest the boys quickly. They've taken the front door out completely. Customers will have to use the back entrance for a while. Not sexually."

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said: "People appear to be alarmed when they see the sight of helicopters, police dogs and officers. I'd like to reassure the public following all the police presence in and around Sunshine Massage that we were there to catch any crims who may or may not have been in the area at that time. We shall keep a police presence there for the foreseeable future just to make sure."

Stoke Film Club

Stoke's number one film critic, David Murray, is still missing, presumed dead. In his place, namesake Dave Murray, of the Cobridge Tourist Board, is here to cover the latest film releases in Stoke.

This Means War

An action-packed rom-com? This is sure to appeal to both men and women alike, as women love action, and men love romance. The charming leads really make you empathise with the situation in which their characters find themselves. A top notch script and really well made. Awards surely await.

Rating: 4/5

Jack and Jill

Is there anything funnier than Adam Sandler? Yes - two Adam Sandlers! In this hilarious comedic romp he plays twin brother and sister pair Jack and Jill, and gets help from Al Pacino, who's never been better than he is here. As funny as f*ck. Maybe even better than 'Click'.

Rating: 5/5

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

This is a real borefest, starring Gary Oldman, a poor man's Danny Dyer. Winner of several awards, I don't know how, this seems to last forever. At over 2 hours long, similar in length to a Transformers movie, the lack of action and reliance on characters really disappoints. They should have learned the lessons from Transformers in how to fill up 2 hours of film. Poor.
Rating: 1/5

Cobridge To Vote On Quitting EU

Voters in Cobridge could become the first in the country to be polled on quitting the European Union. A national pressure group ['Fuck the EU'] has shortlisted the constituency as part of its plans to stage a series of referendums on Britain's membership of the EU.

If Cobridge is picked to host the first vote, the group will open a town centre shop as a campaign headquarters, employing upto 2 local people as part-time cleaners.

Ian McKenzie, Fuck the EU's communications director, said: "The last time Britain had a referendum on whether we should stay in the Common Market was in 1975, since when it has changed beyond recognition from an economic to a political union, doing little more than giving us straight bananas and letting rapists walk the streets. In the EU, a paedo has more rights than me."

A straight banana

Derek Hatefield, BNP councillor for Cobridge, said: "I think local people would be in favour of a referendum and I think they would vote to come out of the EU. People have just about had enough. We are sick of human rights and straight bananas."

Stoke independent councillor Mick Akira is opposed to the vote. "This could really fuck Stoke's attempts at independence right up the arse," he said. "Stoke needs the EU if it is ever going to gain independence from Britain, mainly for the grants they would give us. Quitting the EU is handing down a life sentence for us to be stuck as part of the UK forever."

BNP Withdraws Drug Testing Bill For Immigrants

A BNP member of Stoke City Council has withdrawn his bill to create a programme for drug testing immigrants after one of his Labour colleagues amended the measure to require drug testing for councillors. "There was an amendment offered today that required drug testing for councillors as well, and it led me to have to then withdraw the bill," explained Cobridge councillor Chayam Baker. "Nothing fishy, I just forgot to spellcheck it."

In the past year, BNP lawmakers have pursued immigrant drug testing in more than 20 Stoke wards and some bills have even targeted people who "look foreign".

BNP beauty pageant

Baker, for his part, said he's coming back with a new bill on Monday, councillor testing included. He said he has no problem submitting to a test himself. "Give me the cup this time next week and I will be happy to piss in it," he said. "Anyone who knows me will tell you I regularly piss in cups."

Stoke's Grit Teams Work Hard To Fight Big Freeze

More than 1,000 grammes of salt has been scattered on Stoke's main routes to help keep traffic moving. But pavements and some side roads remained untreated yesterday as cars slid into each other and pedestrians took painful tumbles on treacherous surfaces, much to the amusement of onlookers.

Earlier plans to pour hot water onto the ice have been abandoned after it was discovered that the water would later freeze again and make matters worse.

Conditions meant one gritting lorry became stuck in the McDonald's Drive-Through at Festival Park, and help was needed by nearby boy racers to free it. And the driver of another truck, off work on sick leave, told his bosses that in 16 years of doing the job he had never seen conditions like it and was glad he was not at work during the bad weather.

Firefighters had to cut free an injured woman from her mobility scooter which had skidded on black ice and hit a row of prostitutes in Cobridge.

Cob Crooks, head of leisure pusuits and board games at the city council, defended leaving some pavements untreated despite hundreds turning up at A&E after suffering falls. "I had crews out from 10am until 11am yesterday. We had two drivers on call during that time, both of whom offered to give up their lunch break during that hour, in exchange for double pay."

In Hanley East, Ray Muncher, BNP councillor for dry cleaning services, said: "Roads that council elders and councillors live on were given priority to be salted regularly. Any salt left over may be used on roads near to busy pubs or schools. The gritting crews have done us proud. City council elders were able to attend a hog roast last night without problems."

The conditions have led to renewed calls for the city council to take more action. Housewife Kaz Jinky, a 18-year-old mother-of-four from Tunstall, watched as a man dived out of his van as it slid out of control. "The white van had lost control and was coming down sideways and the driver jumped out of the door and fell into dog poo. It was funny, but I've still made several telephone calls to the council anyways to pour more hot water on the pavements and roads, but they haven't done anything about it."

Timmy Cockburn, who runs Cockburn Crazy Paving, decided to give the council a helping hand by standing on a street corner and shouting at people. "The roads were treacherous and we saw quite a few people falling over. It was so funny I almost shat myself."

Messi "Couldn't Pull In Stoke On A Saturday Night"

Local ladies man Dave Murray has claimed that Argentine footballer Lionel Messi couldn't hack it as a lothario in Stoke!

"Yeah, he's got the fame and the money," Murray tweeted. "That may work for women in Spain, but I don't think he could handle the more physical nature of women in Stoke."

Ladies night in Stoke

Some have rubbished Murray's claim. "Messi is so rich and famous that he could pull women anywhere," says local business leader and sexpert Dave Munton. "The girls who work at my titty bar, Lapland UK, in Hanley, would be all over him like a rash. Fame and wealth work anywhere on women of low self-esteem, as I can testify to."

Lionel Messi

Murray disagrees with Munton. "Women from Stoke are bigger, faster and rougher than what he's used to in Spain," he says. "It's a completely different discipline pulling women here than in Barcelona. Fancy footwork counts for nothing. Stoke women don't like 'fancy Dans'."

Would Spain Stop Stoke From Joining EU?

Stokies have long dreamed of independence, a dream that was briefly fulfilled in 1974 when Stoke became an independent republic. But does Stoke’s case for independence rely on Stoke joining the European Union?

"If an independent Stoke was a member of the EU, then we would be part of the single market and free movement of labour across the border could continue, if Stokies wanted to look for jobs, that is," says Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board. "More importantly, we would be eligible for massive EU handouts."

However, it is far from certain that Stoke would be able to join the EU. The Spanish are currently blocking Kosovo’s accession to the EU. Why? Because the Spanish, who don’t even recognise Norway as a state, let alone Kosovo, fear the implications of a region becoming independent and then joining the EU. They worry that it would encourage Basque separatism.

A Spaniard hard at work

"We have considered the possibility of declaring war on Spain," says Stoke councillor Nick Gifford. "Over the summer, there are literally thousands of Stokies in Spain at any given time on holiday. If they were to attack during siesta time, we could conquer Spain almost unopposed."