Crouchy's Autobiography To Be Preserved Forever

The Stoke Book Registry has announced that its 2017 selection is Peter Crouch's autobiography, 'Walking Tall: My Story'.

Every year, one important work of literature is selected to be preserved forever in the Library of Stoke.

"This is a massive honour for Crouchy," commented Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed, 105. "But well deserved. The book is a masterpiece, a journey into greatness, a tour de force of humanity AND humility, an experience so vivid one will feel like they are walking in Crouchy's shoes and seeing the world through his eyes."

The book follows the 2016 selection, 'A La Recherche du Temps Perdu' by Marcel Proust, and 2015's 'The Trial' by Franz Kafka.

Crouchy Hopeful Of England Recall

With the appointment of Sam "Big Sam Allardyce" Allardyce as the new England manager, insiders say that Stoke City legend Peter Crouch is hopeful of a recall to the national side.

"Big Sam likes to play aerial football," local football writer Dave Stevens explained. "As Crouchy is the proverbial head-on-a-stick, he would be perfectly suited to the style of play."

"Crouchy was outstanding last season," a member of Crouch's dance crew told EYE ON STOKE. "The stats of 2 goals in 18 games don't tell the whole story. He brought glamour to the Stoke dressing room, busted some new dance moves and inspired a generation, things few other players can boast."

Crouch last played for England in 2010, the year Leslie Nielsen died.

Stoke Fans Roasting Opportunity

Some of Stoke City's biggest female fans got a chance to meet (then later go back to a hotel room) with some of the team's biggest stars today as they were paraded to fans at the official club shops at the Britannia Stadium and the Potteries Centre in Hanley. Men and children were also welcome at today's meet-and-greets but were treated as second class citizens by comparison.

Take your pick, ladies

"My dream roasting session would be me, Crouchy, Shawcross and Walters," says season ticket holder Gill Crank. "Then I could also find out once and for all if Walters has any black in him."

"I'd love the whole back four passing me round for a while then have Begovic turn up, then they hold me down while he has a go on it. Just lovely," says Hilary Gunters, 19.

"Stoke have been playing three up front lately, which is good because I'd like to get three at the back," laughs Adele Humphries from Longton. "So I'll take Arnie, Crouchy and Odemwingie. Any hole's a goal for those guys."

Nintendo Snubs Stokies

Stokies have literally been rioting and fighting in the streets after it was announced last night that no characters from Stoke are to be included in Nintendo's forthcoming 'Super Smash Bros.' games for 3DS and Wii U.

"This'll show those Japs who's good at fighting," one rioter told reporters, who chose to watch and take quotes rather than try to quell the situation.

"Not even Crouchy?" fighting fan Gob Godfreys asked. "His robot-based moveset would be unique, appropriate for the franchise and awesomesauce all in one go."

The games will release this summer on 3DS and winter on Wii U.

"I'm at least hoping for Huth as an assist trophy," Stoke City fan Jill Gank said. "Pikachu wouldn't stand a chance against his elbow, the creepy little electric yellow bastard."

Dirty Crouch Confessions

A new Tumblr page is taking the internet by storm: Dirty Crouch Confessions!

The site features the naughtiest Peter Crouch fantasies sent in by readers for the pleasure of others.

Here is a selection:

"When Crouchy had his 'tache, I wanted to rub my dugs all over it"

"Peter Crouch fingering me by the bins round the back of my local butchers"

"Crouchy, in a dress, bent over a black & decker workbench, getting a good hammering from me, while Pulis watches"

"I want Crouchy to do me up the wrong 'un while he's wearing only his Stoke football socks, pulled up to his knees"

"Just thinking about Crouchy fingering Pulis's arse in the changing rooms at the Brit makes me cum"

Nightmare As Crouch Leaves Stoke

Millions of local hearts were broken yesterday when it was announced that Peter Crouch had been sold by Stoke City.

Local Bob Harder made the announcement on Twitter last night, leading to an outpouring of grief and a torrent of abuse for the handyman. Trending hashtags on social media included #PleaseStayCrouchy, #WeLoveYouCrouchy and #BobHarderIsATwat.

Fortunately for football fans, Crouch had only been sold on computer game FIFA 14 by Harder and not in real life.

"Crouch will leave Stoke over my dead body," says fan Doris Ahmed. "I would rather kill him than lose him, even in a video game. I have written to EA Sports to demand that Crouchy cannot be sold under any circumstances in the game. I may or may not have threatened to send parcel bombs in the future if my demand is not met."

Caption Competition Results

The results for the weekly Peter Crouch caption competition are in.

1st Place

"The pressure around Hutchence's neck would have felt something like this as he wanked himself off to death" - Gary Spanners, Birches Head

2nd Place

"Back off VP you fruity bastard" - Haytham Fenway, Burslem

3rd Place

"I mo fucken kill ya, ya foreign slag" - Fink Vixen, Middleport

First prize is a life size Peter Crouch doll, donated by Ted's Toys in Birches Head.

Stoke Accent Voted The Best

A poll of people in Stoke has found that the Stoke accent is the nation's favourite.

"This is a bit of a surprise," says bookmaker Henry Tootsworth. "We had Stoke's accent at 10,000-1 to win. This will break me."

The Cockney accent came last with 0 votes.

The full results are:

1. Stoke (80%)

2. Peter Crouch (15%)

3. "Black" (2%)

4. Geordie Shore (2%)

5. French (1%)

Crouchy Blamed For Cable Problems

Stoke City star striker Peter Crouch has been blamed for a host of cable TV problems by local residents.

"Our cable TV has been terrible lately," says Mandy Pickpocket from Birches Head. "I blame Crouchy, mos' def'. He's happy to take the money for promoting the service but none of the responsibility when it fails. Typical footballer."

Residents have complained of pictures cutting out and no service for days at a time.

"I went to a Stoke training session to complain but Crouchy just fobbed me off with a signed beanpole," added Ms Pickpocket. "So I found out where his Mum lives and phoned her to tell her to tell him off. She said she would. I also asked Mark Hughes to drop Crouchy for three matches but I got bored by his response and left."

Pulis Lookalike Gets Into Fight With Crouchy Lookalike

Europe's number one ranked Tony Pulis lookalike, German Gunther Kutz, shocked onlookers at a business conference in Abu Dhabi this week when he got into a bar brawl with Steve Log, a full time Peter Crouch lookalike.

The pair were being employed to help provide corporate hospitality to the mega rich businessmen attending the conference on avoiding corporate responsibility.

"I don't know how it started," said onlooker Victor Spillsbury. "But I saw Pulis headbutt Crouchy repeatedly. Looks like he lost a few teeth as well, just like the real Crouchy did earlier in the season."

"This doesn't bode well," says Stoke fan Mick Beanstalk. "This could easily transfer over to the real Pulis and Crouch. Team morale would be destroyed by an incident like this."

2012 Review: April

Stoke joined the space race in April with the launch of SSS Oatcake, which exploded 10 seconds after lift off.

Fortunately for Stokies, the wreckage of the £23 billion space ship fell over nearby Kidsgrove, killing 453 people there, but leaving Stoke undamaged.

Meanwhile, Stoke's population tanned themselves and walked around the city topless in a tropical weather spell meant for Bermuda but which accidentally ended up over the city.

In Peter Crouch news, the gangly frontman released his debut rap album to rave reviews.

Stoke's Man Of The Year

Stoke City Council has listed its nominees for the coveted "Man of the Year" award. They are:

*Adrian Lewis

*Jonathan Wilkes

*Peter Crouch

*The Packmoor Ripper

E-mail your vote to the city council now at: Enquiries@stoke.gov.uk. You should enter "Man of the Year" in your e-mail subject line.

The event will be hosted by Jonathan Wilkes himself as he has promised a video appearance by Robbie Williams and not to give the award to himself if it is undeserved.

There will be no woman of the year award.

Crouchy To Get Bravery Award

Stoke City Council has announced that it will award Peter Crouch Stoke's highest award for bravery, the Victoria Ground Cross.

The award is announced after it was revealed that Crouchy lost two teeth (and may later lose a third) during the Carling Premiership match against Newcastle Tigers on Wednesday night.

"Our thoughts go out to Crouchy at this difficult time after his tragic loss," said councillor Jinky Watkins. "Our hopes and prayers are with him and his lovely missus."

Crouchy Doppelganger Arrested

A man has been arrested in Stoke for impersonating Peter Crouch.

The man, Digger Barnes, from Bentilee, was eventually discovered enjoying a free stay at a massage parlour when a Crouch fan also present pointed out that the doppelganger was only 5 feet 8 inches tall while the real Crouch is an impressive 6 feet 7 inches.

It is believed that Barnes had enjoyed free drinks, hotel stays, restaurant visits and women while pretending to be Crouch, and recently performed the opening ceremony at a butcher's shop in Hanford.

Crouch is said to be impressed with the man's "gumption".

Local Football Results

Stoke City 0-0 Arsenal

Peter Crouch managed to keep Arsenal's defence at bay in this Premier League game that was eventually abandoned when it became clear that no-one was going to score. Man of the match: Wayne Biggins.

 

Morecambe 1-3 Port Vale

The "Scamps" stormed to victory in this closely fought Endsleigh League game with two late goals from Pope Tom and another unnamed player in front of 164 spectators at Morecambe's home ground, The Witch's Cauldron. Scamps manager Micky Adams was pleased as punch with the result. "I'm quite literally as pleased as a punch with the result," he told reporters in the after-match jacuzzi.

 

Spartak Fegg Hayes 4-1 Red Star Kidsgrove

Fegg Hayes moved to the top of the Wrights Pies Conference thanks to four goals from goalkeeper Chump Martinez in the opening five minutes of this feisty match at The Castle in front of a poor crowd of 23,000. Seven players were sent off in inury time following a series of dives from opposing players.

Pulis: There's Still Room In Stoke's Squad For More Tall, Injury-Prone Players

With Stoke City on the verge of signing Tottenham midfielder Tom Huddletone on loan, manager Tony Pulis has said that he hopes to bring in even more tall players with bad injury records to the club.

"We've got Higginbotham, 'Big Mama' Sidibe, Huthy and Upson to name but a few," said Pulis. "And if Crouchy gets a few knee-knacks, you can add him to the list too. We'll never stop looking to add to that list, we're an ambitious club."

EYE ON STOKE Denied Olympic Accreditation

Britain's best news organisation, EYE ON STOKE (i.e. the site you're on now), has been refused media accreditation for the Olympic stadium, meaning that it won’t be able to cover the most high profile track and field events in person.

EYE ON STOKE's editor and managing director, Monty Deschanel, called the decision "a slap in the bollocks by the British Olympic Association". He continued: "We are truly disappointed that EYE ON STOKE, which has covered the glorious sporting achievements of Peter Crouch for many years, will not be inside the Olympic stadium to record more expected glory. They may as well have shit into my open mouth."

Doris Ahmed

EYE ON STOKE's readers have already reacted with outrage. Activist Doris Ahmed has set up a petetion calling on the BOA to reconsider its decision, which has so far attracted an estimated 75,000,000 signatures. Local councillor Jinky Watkins has also called for the decision to be reversed.

There’s no indication at this stage that there’s been a deliberate attempt to exclude the EYE ON STOKE explicitly because of the nature of its readership. Mr Deschanel says: "Something is very wrong if the media accreditation process is so unbalanced as to refuse access to a world-revered journalist from a well-known and respected website that caters to a readership that many other outlets don’t reach. They may as well have pissed into my open mouth."

Three Eye on Stoke journalists have received accreditation for the Olympic football competition, but that isn't enough for Eye on Stoke contributor Dave Murray. "No-one's bothered about the footy, we want tickets for the 100m dash. They may as well as farted into my open mouth," he says.

Coming Soon To EYE ON STOKE

We meet the kind-hearted drug dealer who donates a percentage of his profits from sales of crack cocaine to local mental children.

Peter Crouch unveils a new dance move, provisionally entitled "white man's voodoo odyssey".

We name-and-shame the city councillor who once did a shit in the middle of a children's playground.

A competition to find Stoke's best vigilante crime fighter.

We go behind the scenes with one of Stoke's teams of "bunters", the city's famous badger-hunting units.

Stokies Not Impressed By "Boring" Euro 2012 Winners Spain

Local footie fans have been largely underwhelmed by the Spanish football team that yesterday triumphed at Euro 2012 and their mostly boring tiki-taka approach to football.

"They might have beat those fancy dan, fascist, spaghetti-munching Italians, but you get them down the Brit on a wet Tuesday night, up against the mighty Potters, they wouldn't stand a chance," says lifelong Stoke fan Linval Burgess.

Could Micky Adams have gotten more out of Spain?

"Never once during the tournament did I really see a Spanish player really 'get stuck in'," commented Scamps [Port Vale] fan Dave Murray. "Nor did I see any real 'passion' or 'commitment'. Boring."

"Spain have never seen anything like Crouchy," added 100 year old Stoke supporter Doris Ahmed. "He'd have that fruity bastard Pique on toast."

"It's funny that now they've won, everyone's conveniently forgotten about yet more racism from the disgusting Spanish fans. The Spanish really are some of the most racist fuckers in the world," added hospital radio DJ "Crazy" Kenny Tickles.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/football/2012/jun/29/euro-2012-uefa-racism-fine

Outrage As Crouchy Fails To Get Knighthood. Again.

There was quite literally riots on the streets of Stoke today when Peter Crouch was not named as a Knight in the Queen's birthday honours list.

"He deserves it for services to football, Stoke City, tall gangly blokes and dancing," said city councillor Jeff Noseworthy. "I know that I sent a petition down to 'that lot' in that London, obviously to no avail. Fucking southerners. Crouchy is one of their own as well, which makes it worse."

"The Queen wouldn't know talent if it fucked her right up the arse," commented 100-year-old proud Stokie Doris Ahmed. "Where as I would know, which is why Crouchy deserves the nod."

Buckingham Palace has yet to give any comment on why  Crouchy has never been given a knighthood.