Supervillain Threatens Revenge

Supervillain Doctor Destructo has threatened to rain death and destruction on Stoke after the city council rejected his plans to build a massive death ray in the city.

"Stoke is not ready for the pain I will inflict on it, muahahahaha," the evil genius said.

"This decision was not made on moral grounds," Councillor Jinky Watkins explained. "What the massive death ray will be used for is neither here-nor-there. What we object to is the culling of the residents and puppy dogs of Bentilee to make space for the weapon's construction. Bentileers are people too. Even if it doesn't always seem that way. They are not Bentilepers."

Doctor Destructo has the right to appeal the decision at a tribunal hearing.

City Council Approves Name Changes

Stoke City Council has approved a bunch of name changes for many roads and places in the city.

Sir Jimmy Savile Road, in Boothen, will be renamed Angry Pulis Avenue, and Jimmy Savile Street in Tunstall will now be known as Ted Hankey Street. The Sir Jimmy Savile Memorial Garden in Etruria will keep its name until a suitable local celebrity dies.

Stuart Hall Street in Burslem is to be known as Wayne Biggins Street, and Max Clifford View in Trentham is to be renamed as Peter Crouch End. Dr Fox Road in Bentilee has temporarily been renamed Foxy Bingo Road pending the outcome of police enquiries. Rolf Harris Road in Shelton is now Brian Blessed Road.

The city council has confirmed that it has no plans though to change the names of Cliff Richard Road, Sir Cliff Street, Sir Cliff Richard Avenue, Bachelor Boy Botanical Gardens, Devil Woman Street, Living Doll Road or Sir Cliff Cliff. "Innocent until proven guilty," council spokesman Jinky Watkins explains. "And we all know Sir Cliff didn't do it. We can rest easy on this one."

Deal Or No Deal?

A Stokie is celebrating after pulling off a stunning double: winning £95,000 on TV show 'Deal Or No Deal' then stinging the Government out of £7,000 in illegally-obtained benefits!

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-stoke-staffordshire-22338876

Unfortunately for Caroline Banana, from Bentilee, pious Government agents went after her for the £7,000 she obtained by deception and prosecuted her in court to get the money back. The judge has ordered her to do 215 hours of community service and told her to sell her holiday home in Turkey to pay back the government what she owns.

Crouchy Doppelganger Arrested

A man has been arrested in Stoke for impersonating Peter Crouch.

The man, Digger Barnes, from Bentilee, was eventually discovered enjoying a free stay at a massage parlour when a Crouch fan also present pointed out that the doppelganger was only 5 feet 8 inches tall while the real Crouch is an impressive 6 feet 7 inches.

It is believed that Barnes had enjoyed free drinks, hotel stays, restaurant visits and women while pretending to be Crouch, and recently performed the opening ceremony at a butcher's shop in Hanford.

Crouch is said to be impressed with the man's "gumption".

Stoke's Towns Fail To Reach Arms Deal

Stoke City Council has said it is "as shocked as a fucktard" by the failure of negotiations to secure a Stoke-wide arms treaty but hopes it remains a possibility.

Elders from all of Stoke's towns have spent the past month in Fegg Hayes negotiating a treaty, which needed to be adopted by consensus, so any one town could in effect veto a deal. Instead, officials on Friday decided to take no decision on a draft treaty.



A normal child in North Longton

One person every minute dies from armed violence in Stoke, and arms control activists say a convention is needed to prevent illicitly traded guns from pouring into conflict zones and fuelling gang wars and atrocities. They cite conflicts in North Longton and elsewhere as examples of why a treaty is necessary.

While most towns favoured a strong treaty, activists said there was a small minority, including North Longton, Bentilee and Boothen, who opposed arms control throughout the negotiations.

Bentilee Says "No" To Austerity

The people of Bentilee have turned their back on austerity and voted in a referendum for town hall money be spent on bonfires rather than jobs.

In a vote last weekend, residents were asked to decide whether the town hall should spend £150,000 on starting (and later stopping) fires or paying local people to carry out odd jobs.

Bentilee mayor Phil "Hiroshima" Hardy had decided to put the money the town hall usually spends on summer employment to the vote. Although unemployment in Bentilee is 51%, the bonfire option won by 242 votes to 181.

"That much money isn't really going to create a lot of work, so I'd rather it was spent on fires," one Bentilee resident said.

As with many towns in Stoke, fires are a central part of local summer activities. The industry is in crisis, however, because the city council and local town halls are slashing their budgets.

The number of bonfires across the city has fallen 46% in five years, and many firestarters are cutting their losses and working freelance, or for pleasure only.

Last year there were 1,177 fires in Stoke, down from 2,176 in 2010.

Asbo For Hovercraft Thief

A hovercraft thief has received an Asbo banning him from touching any hovercraft he doesn’t own for three years. Ryland Ricketts, 13, faces a lengthy jail sentence if he is caught handling or driving a hovercraft unless he has documents proving that he is the owner.

It is the first time that such a restriction has been placed on a hovercraft thief caught by Staffordshire Police’s hovercraft task force. Officers today asked the public to contact them if they spot Ricketts breaching the terms of his ban.

Ricketts, from Bentilee, had the Asbo imposed by Fenton magistrates after being caught attempting to steal a hovercraft at Lake Burslem. He was also placed under a three-month curfew and given a supervision order for 18 months.

A hovercraft on Lake Burslem

An accomplice, Steve Mailman, 12, also from Bentilee, was jailed for six weeks in a maximum security facility after being convicted of theft. Both were caught red-handed by the police’s hovercraft task force during a police barbecue at Lake Burslem.

Mailman was spotted loitering around a decoy hovercraft for several hours and was joined by Ricketts, who cut the lock securing the hovercraft to a cardboard cutout of Port Vale manager of Micky Adams. Ricketts was detained immediately while Mailman attempted to escape on a yacht but sailed straight into the path of a police pedalo.

Barry Shanks, police spokesman, said: “This is a significant decision of the court which has resulted in harsh sentences for these ne'er-do-wells. Hovercraft theft is a crime that can have a considerable impact on victims and we will continue to target those involved.”

The hovercraft task force, set up in 2010 with funding from Stoke City Council, has made more than 2 arrests since its inception.

Councillor Steps Down Over Expenses Scandal

Stoke Conservative councillor Steve Boggs is to step down from office after a Daily Outcake investigation revealed he had claimed expenses to get his second home in Longton crazy-paved.

Boggs says he will not run in forthcoming council elections following public outrage over the £23,000 work on his property, which he refuses to pay back. "It was a legitimate public expense," said Boggs. "I understand the public anger over people claiming for shit like moat-cleaning, but this work needed doing."

A moat

Boggs is not the first Stoke councillor who has had to step down over expenses claims. Bentilee BNP councillor Dave Rommel was forced to resign by council elders in 2009 after it was discovered he had claimed expenses for cocaine and strippers at a night out at Lapland UK in Hanley. 

Still Nothing Happening, Local Newspaper Staff Given Afternoon Off

Locals are mystified as nothing continues to happen in Stoke. Lord Hankey of Bentilee says Stoke is usually a busy metropolis. "Stoke is known in Britain as the 'city that never sleeps', but apparently Stoke has decided to take a nap. Life here isn't usually this boring. Fact."

Instead of news, here's a picture of a puppy dog on a chair.

That is all.

Lottery Winner Vows To "Piss It All Away"

After winning over £1.4 million on the National Lottery at the weekend, Bentilee resident Phil Umney has vowed to spend, spend, spend! "Booze, coke, hookers, not necessarily in that order," said Mr Umney of his spending plans.

"I've always dreamed of pissing away a fortune," he said to reporters this morning at Ca$hino, a gaming venue at Festival Park. "I'm gonna blow it all then go back on the dole," he added.

Phil and ex-girlfriend Donna

Phil has already dumped his girlfriend of three years, Donna. "I'm as sick as a parrot," she said. "We had a five year plan, which involved bringing through some of our own youngsters eventually, but that won't happen now."

Phil is unrepentant. "She was a bit dumpy if I'm being honest. I can do way better now I've got cash. It's all about the benjamins."

My Big Fat Stoke Wedding

Britain's latest craze is the new Channel 4 TV show 'My Big Fat Stoke Wedding'! The show has attracted a huge fanbase for lifting the lid on the normally secretive world of weddings in the Stoke community.

The programme features the often bizarre Stoke weddings, which feature extravant dresses and behaviour some people view as strange.

The show has come under fire from critics as it shows children pole dancing, men grabbing women and people drinking themselves into a stupour.

A typical Stoke wedding

Some Stokies have also criticised the programme. "It doesn't take much to bolster crude stereotypes about Stoke," says local Tory peer Lord Hankey. "The accent on bollocks like frills and flouncing is a missed opportunity to show contemporary Stoke culture as it really is," he adds.

Channel 4 has defended the programme. "The series is an observational documentary and is a fair and accurate reflection of what the programme makers experienced during filming in Stoke," a spokesman for the broadcasters said. "The programme clearly states that Stokies are complex, with many different customs, and the programme makers have taken great pains to ensure that Stokies are represented fairly. All the themes featured are backed up by first person accounts from within Stoke."