Uncle Terry Will Sort It Out

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Hi Uncle T, I've always been scared of showing my meat lolly to women cus I have what is known medically as a "micro penis". I really want some fanny but don't want to pay for it, what should I do? - Ted, Cobridge

I would say find yourself a nice girl who won't mind that kind of thing, but we both know that would be bullshit. You should look to Max Clifford as an inspiration; he, like you, had a tiny love snack, but through hard work and making himself wealthy and powerful, he was able to trick women into sorting him out.

Yo T-Dawg, my useleass boyfriend smokes weed all day and this makes him shit in bed, how can I get some hotter action? - Tracy, Milton

Tracy, men who smoke weed are useless. Assuming your man ain't going to be giving up the drugs any time soon, you need to get him on something sexier, something that will get his engine purring. My advice: get him on the cocaine. There's a reason that's the drug of choice for horny celebrities - because IT WORKS.

Terry, my mother-in-law is a right pain in the cock end, I want her out of the picture before she convinces my missus to leave me. How can I make it happen? - Nigel, Hanley

You have three paths: turn your bird against her mum, turn your nightmare-in-law against your bird, or get rid of your problem the old fashioned way. As EYE ON STOKE's lawyers have told me I can't advocate murder, that leaves the first two options. I would suggest finding a scheme that turns them against each other, like stealing from your wife's momma and framing your wife.

Don't Worry, Uncle Terry Is Here

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Uncle Terry, I look a bit like a wanted serial killer. Should I disguise myself by going beardy or maybe have short hair? I currently have a 'tache, much like the serial killer, and would like to keep it if possible - Mark, Longton

The 'tache has got to go I'm afraid, either completely or merged into a beard. I would say go beardy. I would suggest that you shave the top of your head off too so you look bald. No-one suspects baldies of being killers, they're mainly perverts.

Tel, I am currently involved in an argument with a friend: he says that if Jesus had been Japanese, Christianity would still have flourished. I say that's fucking bullshit. Who's right? - Kenwynne, Trentham

You are right Ken, white people are inherently racist and wouldn't follow a Jap, no way.

For reasons I will keep to myself, I want to get women pregnant then dump them. Any tips? - Jeff, Bentilee

In terms of meeting desparate women, the internet is your playground and your supermarket. There's plenty of skanks on there desperate for attention. Once you've got one, I'd recommend poking a hole in your rubber johnnies with a needle or pin; that way you give the illusion of using contraception. Good hunting!

Problem? Let Uncle Terry Help

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Uncle Terry, I may have accidentally sold some weapons-grade plutonium to a country from the 'Axis of Evil'. What should I do? - "Mr Niblet", Packmoor

While technically treason, most people see this as wheeling-and-dealing. It's the culture we live in, thanks mainly to 'Only Fools And Horses'. Just make sure you've got a plonker like Rodney you can shift the blame onto if the shit hits the fan.

I've told everyone I know that I'm gay to be interesting and different, but I'm not really. It's gotten to the point where I'm gonna have to shit or get off the pot. Help me please - Phil, Cobridge

You've made your bed, now you're going to have to lie in it, I'm afraid. You can't go pulling people's heartstrings like that. And sucking men off really isn't that bad, you'll see.

While stalking a woman I work with, I saw her kill someone in what I suspect to be a racially-motivated attack. The old bill haven't got a clue, as always. Should I turn her in? - Jeff, Hanley

If you turn her over to "the filf" then you won't be able to stalk her anymore because she'll be stuck in the pokey. So if you plan on stalking her more, then no. You may even be able to blackmail her into a sexual relationship. If you want to be a hero, then go for it, but we both know you won't do that.

Uncle Terry Solves Your Problems, No Thanks Needed

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

One of my neighbours sneaks into my lovely garden and night and shits in the middle of my lawn. I've confronted her but she denies it even though I've seen her do it. What should I do? - Ken Bird, Norton

I would do the same to her, see how she likes it. Wander into her garden the next time you need a dump and give her a taste of her own medicine. If this doesn't work, consider leaving traps on your lawn at night.

Even though I work as a lawyer, and earn lots of money, I've always dreamed of being a dancer. Should I follow my dream? - Debbie Runcorn

I always advise people to follow their dreams. Pole dancing is a good starting point, and it's an industry with high staff turnovers so it should be easy to get work. You can always supplement your income by doing pornos. One day you may then get your dream and work with stars like Jonathan Wilkes, in a touring production of Chicago or something.

I run over someone the other day with my car, there's no way I'm doing bird for it - Mick, Tunstall

Firstly, you need to get rid of any evidence from your car; that means blood, DNA evidence, bits of clothing. I would recommend an industrial car wash. If there's dents in your car, they need sorting out too. A cheap, backstreet garage will do, or even a local lowlife on the dole to do it. If you can fabricate an alibi, that will help, and if there are any witnesses, these will need eliminating. If you can achieve most or all of this, you should be ok.

Your Problems, Sorted Out.

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Terry, I'm currently seeing three different women at the same time and I don't know what to do - Dante Block, Trentham

This doesn't sound like a problem at all, in fact, it sounds like the opposite of a problem. Stop showing off.

My husband wants to take me to a swingers club and watch me have sex with loads of different men, but I don't want to do it - Sharon Conk, Hanley

Don't be afraid, this is a perfectly natural evolution within the union of marriage, it happens to us all at some point. If you love your husband, you will do it.

I'm scared that I might kill again, the voices keep telling me to do it, but I want to stop - The Penkhull Poisoner

It's always important to listen to what the little man inside tells you to do, and that's not me saying that, that is the reason Robin van Persie gave for joining Man Utd, and I think it holds true in life in general.

Your Problems Answered

Uncle Terry, here to help

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Uncle Terry, I’m obsessed with Robert Kilroy-Silk, and watch videos of his shows every morning in his old timeslot so that I can pretend that he’s still on the telly - Sharon, Tunstall

Nothing wrong with a bit of fluff in the morning, just as long as your husband is getting some candy as and when he needs it.

My husband makes me dress in men's clothing for sex, is this normal? - Jane, Trentham

Yes, this is perfectly acceptable in most cultures, including yours.

I’m not going to say how it got there, but there is a dead body in my wanking shed. I want rid of it, what should I do? - Pete Doherty, Burslem

I would recommend not moving house any time soon, that's for sure. I would also recommend popping along to the Citizens Advice Bureau in Hanley, on Cheapside, this is exactly the kind of problem they deal with on a regular basis and excel at solving.