South Staffordshire Is Full Of Scrubs, Says Professor

"I don't want no scrubs, a scrub is someone who don't get no love from me," said Professor Dave Monkeys last night during his keynote address at the 2017 Stoke Science Conference at the Burslem Hilton. "That is why I avoid South Staffordshire."

During his speech, Professor Monkeys showed evidence he had collected showing that over 80% of people originating from the southern half of the county can be defined ac "scrubs".

"I used a big, complex formula that is all in my head to find a way of quantifying 'scrubness', with a line beyond which one can be classified definitively as a 'scrub'. Over 80% of Sou'staffordishirians go beyond this line, compared to only 20% of us northerners," Professor Monkeys explained.

Monkeys will be forwarding his evidence, in the form of a PowerPoint presentation, to the Nobel Foundation in Stockholm.

Port Vale News

Port Vale have announced ambitious to attract more female fans to games at a press conference at Mothercare in Hanley today.

"We are living in the 20th Century now and women are an important part of Stoke and the world," club director Wayne Bungle announced. "They have their own money and free time nowadays so why not come to Vale Park and cheer the Scamps on?"

The club carried out a survey amongst its male season ticket holders to see what women like and would attract them to games.

"The results were clear: women like knitting, wine and dancing," Bungle continued. "As such, we will be opening a knitting section in the Sentinel Stand, employing male dancers in all four stands and opening our own vineyard in Burslem to produce Port Vale branded wine."

Following a standing ovation, and a little dance, Bungle finished the conference. "With this, Vale has shown itself to be the most forward-thinking club in the country. Onwards and upwards!"

Vale Announce New Club Badge

Local Endsleigh League team Port Vale FC have unveiled a new club badge ahead of the forthcoming football season.

Featuring symbols representing the club and its hometown of Burslem, the crest was designed by noted local artist Colin Muntford, best known for his statues of giant pigeons that adorn the streets and rooftops of Tunstall.

"This is the commission of a lifetime," Muntford told cheering Vale fans from the centre circle of Vale Park ahead of a pre-season friendly against Real Madrid. "I've got Vale in my blood, heart and gametes! Up the Scamps!"

The new badge will feature on the new Vale strip to be announced soon, as well as all official merchandise and letterheads.

Stoke Roses Triumph

The Stoke Roses have been named best new band at the Stoke Music Awards, held last night at the Burslem Hilton.

The band, a tribute to The Stone Roses, were overjoyed.

"We're mad for it, our kid," the Ian Brown lookalike said.

"'Avin it large!" The Mani lookalike added.

"I'd like to thank my mum and dad, and God," the John Squire lookalike said.

The Reni lookalike had nothing to say.

The band also double as a Michael Jackson tribute act.

Other big winners on the night included Jonathan Wilkes, who took home the inaugural lifetime achievement award, Jonathan Wilkes, who won performer of the year, and Jonathan Wilkes, who won man of the year.

2014 Review: November

Pearl divers in Lake Burslem discovered the shipwreck of the legendary warship HMS Bollock.

HMS Bollock sank at its launch in 1879, after being hit by the ceremonial champagne bottle, and inspired the phrase "to drop a bollock", meaning "to make a mistake". It was one of the first ships made at the Burslem dockyards.

Due to the depth of the water in Phil Taylor Bay, known in nautical circles as "the graveyard of the great lake", the ship hasn't been seen since, but the advanced technology used by local pearl divers has enabled them to dive deeper then the Royal Navy is able to go.

He's Back!

One of Stoke's most feared and reviled crims, the nawty wittle boy, has resurfaced and terrorised a wedding party in Burslem.

Dressed in his trademark nappy and bonnet, the man, thought to be around 40 years old, stormed into Ballroom 17 at the Burslem Hilton hotel and proceeded to cause chaos.

"While you're down there..."

Pranks included pushing over the uncut wedding cake, claiming the first dance with bride Mandy Pitstop and grabbing the DJ's microphone to make an impromptu best man speech, done in baby talk, and referring to the bride as him mummy.

The man then stood in the middle of the dancefloor and pissed himself, while staring at the bride and groom, before saying his catchphrase ("I been a nawty wittle boy") and running off into the night.

ConCon

This past week, Stoke has played host to one of the most important conventions of the year: ConCon, a convention about conventions.

One of the main announcements of the week long event was that Stoke has won the rights to host BronyConUK 2015, one of the most loved and feared shows on the convention circuit.

Bronies are men who love My Little Pony, but in a non-weird or sexual way... or so the press release claims. It's pretty much the cutest thing ever!… the press release says. Again.

BronyConUK 2015 will be held at the Burslem Hilton in July. Tickets are already available to pre-order.

City Council Approves Name Changes

Stoke City Council has approved a bunch of name changes for many roads and places in the city.

Sir Jimmy Savile Road, in Boothen, will be renamed Angry Pulis Avenue, and Jimmy Savile Street in Tunstall will now be known as Ted Hankey Street. The Sir Jimmy Savile Memorial Garden in Etruria will keep its name until a suitable local celebrity dies.

Stuart Hall Street in Burslem is to be known as Wayne Biggins Street, and Max Clifford View in Trentham is to be renamed as Peter Crouch End. Dr Fox Road in Bentilee has temporarily been renamed Foxy Bingo Road pending the outcome of police enquiries. Rolf Harris Road in Shelton is now Brian Blessed Road.

The city council has confirmed that it has no plans though to change the names of Cliff Richard Road, Sir Cliff Street, Sir Cliff Richard Avenue, Bachelor Boy Botanical Gardens, Devil Woman Street, Living Doll Road or Sir Cliff Cliff. "Innocent until proven guilty," council spokesman Jinky Watkins explains. "And we all know Sir Cliff didn't do it. We can rest easy on this one."

Wish You Were Here?

Burslem has copyrighted and trademarked the phrase "The English Riviera" as it bids to become one of the country's top holiday hotspots.

"Everyone knows us as the English Riviera anyway, this just cements the deal," Mayor of Burslem Frank Goober announced to crowds outside of Burslem Town Hall. "We have big plans."

Those plans include the building of statues of Robbie Williams and Jonathan Wilkes hugging and a giant hotel in the shape of a Pokéball.

"With these, we will pretty much have all tourism bases covered when added to what we already have in the town," Mayor Goober explained.

Stoke Comic-Con Review

Stoke Comic-Con was a massive success this past weekend, and readers have been sending in their pictures and stories from the event.

Billy Cankers and Chardonnay Jumpers went dressed as Liam Neeson and Renee Zellweger.

Ted Burner, Jack Onkers and Laura Slots attended as Star Trek characters.

Barry Coppadine and Paul Ladders (pictured with Gary Bump in between them, as Jamie Oliver) were hits with fans as Ant and Dec.

Gillian Goggle from Bentilee went as Marilyn Monroe, winning best costume.

Stoke Comic-Con

Stoke Comic-Con is being held this weekend at the Burslem Hilton, located on Burslem Road, in Burslem.

Nerds across the local area seem to be at record levels of excitement if message boards on 4chan are to be believed, which they aren't normally.

Stars appearing at the two day event include actor Timmy Weezer, who played a grump in 'Doctor Who' this one time, singer Barry Cones and politician Nigel Farage.

Scamps Ask Fans Not To Dress As Badgers Against Walsall

Port Vale has asked fans not to dress as badgers for their game today against Walsall. Walsall player Lee Kipper alleged a sexual assault against a badger from Burslem several years ago while in a log cabin on a hunting trip in the area.

"It was a serious assault and I'm lucky to have survived," Kipper recently told the Daily Gargoyle. "Had I not been carrying a machete, sub machine gun and sniper rifle, I may not have survived the attack."

One Scamps fan tweeted: "@portvale Will people wearing badger outfits be banned from the game?"

Vale replied in a press release: "Fans will not be banned but we'd prefer it if they didn't dress like badgers at our matches, home or away. We'd prefer it if they came as Boomer The Dog. Or Pikachu."

Ironically, the Scamps's club colours are based on a famous 19th Century albino badger.

Bursie Shore

Stoke will once again be at the forefront of this nation's factual televisual programming with the commencement of this new series about six people sharing a log cabin next to Lake Burslem.

"I've not seen previous iterations in this study so I don't know what to expect," says Professor Terry Muncher, Head of Social Sciences at Staffordshire University. "But this seems like a very interesting sociological study with potentially valuable information about young people and social interaction. I will be watching with a keen scientific eye."

"That such a successful documentary series is coming to Stoke can only be a wonderful thing," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "No bad can possibly come from this."

"I just wanna get drunk and shagged on camera and be famous," says cast member Debbie Box.

Scamps Promoted

Local association soccer team Port Vale, nicknamed "The Scamps", have been promoted up a division in the English pyramid league system to one division higher than the division they currently reside in, known as "Division Two" or "bottom o' barrel".

http://www.port-vale.co.uk/news/article/20130420-tears-of-joy-783910.aspx

Scamps manager Micky Adams, who took the boss's job for a second spell last summer despite managerial vacancies at Chelsea, Liverpool and Rotor Volgograd, has vowed to celebrate the team's promotion by eating one of every type of pie in the Wright's Pie shop in Burslem.

2012 Review: September

With the change of season came a change of language in Stoke as French was chosen as the city's official new language when English was bought out by French energy company Dalkia.

The move to the new language and culture was a smooth one as most Stokies were already fluent in the latin tongue and enjoy croissants and cigarettes.

Elsewhere, the Russian state circus came to the city, coinciding with an increase in pick-pocketing, child-abduction and bear-maulings. These happenings are thought to be unrelated.

September also saw further kidnappings by pirates operating on Lake Burslem, when an elderly couple from nearby Leek were taken. The government of the Staffordshire Moorlands market town refused to negotiate with the pirates leading to the ruthless execution of the couple, broadcast live on the internet.

Badger Rescued (Or: Health And Safety Gone Mad)

A 999 call spoke of a badger entangled in plastic in a pond... and the fire brigade responded by sending five crews comprising 25 firemen and three engines. But when the crews arrived, they refused to enter the knee-deep water because of potential safety risks.

They then stood by and watched as an angry loner stripped down to his pants and untangled the badger from the plastic bag. The badger was unharmed and the angry loner hailed as a hero.

On Sunday night, Staffordshire Fire & Rescue Service denied its response had been excessive insisting it was "standard procedure" for 25 firefighters to be sent to emergencies due to strict protocols. A spokesman said: "We don't know what we are facing when a 999 badger-related call comes in. The crews were scrambled to a back yard in Carcass Road in Burslem at about 2pm on Saturday to see what they could do. In this case, not much."

An RSPCA inspector had rushed to the pond, where a large crowd had gathered, but subsequently called 999 because she did not have the proper badger rescue equipment. Within minutes of arriving, fire officers deemed it unsuitable for firemen to wade in to save the floundering animal.

"It is health and safety gone mad," said onlooker Ginny Lakefister. "It was a kiddy's play pond, they could have gone in."

Obligatory Titanic Story

One of Stokes wealthiest businessmen, Colin Muntford, has unveiled plans to build a replica of The Titanic, which he hopes to sail along the Trent and Mersey canal from Stoke to Preston Brook in 2016, before returning to Stoke to stay on Lake Burslem.

"Captain Smith, who James Cameron showed us to be at fault for sinking the Titanic, so it must be true, was born in Hanley, so I think it's now up to Stokies like me to make amends for what this villain did by rebuilding the ship," explained Muntford. "Titanic II will be quite literally exactly the same as the original Titanic in every possible way imaginable. But better. And no, it won't sink."

A scene from the movie 'Titanic' directed by James Cameron

Muntford said he had a "nod-and-a-wink" agreement with Richard Branson's company Virgin Trains to build the replica ship, which Branson has promised will so detailed as to be the same colour as the original, if they can get the right paint. Muntford also said he had invited Branson's private navy to escort Titanic II on its maiden voyage. He did not say how much the project would cost.

Muntford, who made his money through pyramid schemes, and is a major donor to UKIP [UK Independence Party], denies he has made any of this up to get publicity ahead of forthcoming local elections.

Carnival Time In Stoke!

23 April is always the biggest party day of the year in Stoke, and yesterday was no exception!

Normally held to celebrate St George's Day, this year's Stoke Carnival also celebrated the 30th anniversary of the ZX Spectrum home computer, still year-on-year the biggest selling computer in Stoke.

The carnival passes through Burslem,
amongst other places...

Even in a time of economic crisis, numbers are expected to be up – largely boosted by domestic tourism. Some 720,000 revellers are thought to have attended yesterday, a slight increase over last year's 710,000.

Massive ranks of seating and barriers are constructed along the route taken by competing street dance crews. The crews start major dress rehearsals (superb parties in themselves) after Christmas (having been practicing since last carnival's end!). In Stoke-upon-Trent, in the massive purpose-built buildings where the floats are prepared, preparations are underway months in advance and there are even international volunteering organisations bringing people to Stoke specifically to help set up infrastructure for the carnival.

...and ends in Hanley with a mass tribute to
Peter Crouch's famous robot dance

This year's carnival was a relatively peaceful affair, enjoyed by all. Only 32 stabbings and 15 deaths were reported, a new record low for the festival. Peter Crouch and Anthea Turner were named this year's King and Queen of the Carnival!

Political Prisoner Freed

One of Stoke’s most prominent political prisoners has for the first time described conditions in the notorious gulag camps at HMP Werrington where hundreds of pro-democracy activists have been incarcerated as Stoke College cracks down on dissent.

“For much of my time I was kept in solitary confinement,” said the 18-year-old. “But when they moved me to a cell it was forbidden to talk to me. If someone started to speak to me, they would immediately be thrashed and moved into worse conditions or sent to another gulag.”

Mr Skankton was one of the most popular opposition candidates to stand against Alex Bryantic in the disputed September 2011 Stoke College Student President elections. When protests broke out over claims of voting fraud, President Bryantic responded with a brutal crackdown that led to hundreds of arrests, widespread torture and the imprisonment of almost all those who ran against him.

Although some opposition students fled, were eventually freed or were placed under less restrictive house arrest, Mr Skankton and many others were sentenced to long jail terms after trials that were described by observers as little more than a sham. In the run-up to those trials many, including Mr Skankton, alleged that they were tortured by Stoke College’s secret police, which uses the name the SGB.

The release of Mr Skankton at the weekend, along with that of best mate Kenton Mammory, came as a surprise to many observers and was hailed as a sign that the diplomatic pressure is working. But Mr Skankton warned against making concessions to the Student President’s regime until all political prisoners are released.

“We have to continue because there are a lot of my friends and people who suffer for political reasons in prison today in Stoke,” he said. “They have to be released immediately, all of them, and unconditionally. The authorities at Stoke College don't understand any other language.”

Mr Skankton and Mr Mammory owe their release to their decision to seek a pardon from Stoke’s council of elders, an authority higher than that of student president. However, this allows the city council to emphasise that they have admitted their guilt and that they have been magnanimous in releasing them.

Skankton said he was determined to remain in Stoke but that he was under no illusions about what kind of college he had returned to. “The situation has become really difficult here now. After the elections the power machine stopped pretending and declared openly that there is a dictatorship at the college. The consequences are felt every day. I’m even considering moving from the Cauldon campus to the Burslem one where there’s a lot less hassle.”

Asbo For Hovercraft Thief

A hovercraft thief has received an Asbo banning him from touching any hovercraft he doesn’t own for three years. Ryland Ricketts, 13, faces a lengthy jail sentence if he is caught handling or driving a hovercraft unless he has documents proving that he is the owner.

It is the first time that such a restriction has been placed on a hovercraft thief caught by Staffordshire Police’s hovercraft task force. Officers today asked the public to contact them if they spot Ricketts breaching the terms of his ban.

Ricketts, from Bentilee, had the Asbo imposed by Fenton magistrates after being caught attempting to steal a hovercraft at Lake Burslem. He was also placed under a three-month curfew and given a supervision order for 18 months.

A hovercraft on Lake Burslem

An accomplice, Steve Mailman, 12, also from Bentilee, was jailed for six weeks in a maximum security facility after being convicted of theft. Both were caught red-handed by the police’s hovercraft task force during a police barbecue at Lake Burslem.

Mailman was spotted loitering around a decoy hovercraft for several hours and was joined by Ricketts, who cut the lock securing the hovercraft to a cardboard cutout of Port Vale manager of Micky Adams. Ricketts was detained immediately while Mailman attempted to escape on a yacht but sailed straight into the path of a police pedalo.

Barry Shanks, police spokesman, said: “This is a significant decision of the court which has resulted in harsh sentences for these ne'er-do-wells. Hovercraft theft is a crime that can have a considerable impact on victims and we will continue to target those involved.”

The hovercraft task force, set up in 2010 with funding from Stoke City Council, has made more than 2 arrests since its inception.