Port Vale News

Port Vale have announced ambitious to attract more female fans to games at a press conference at Mothercare in Hanley today.

"We are living in the 20th Century now and women are an important part of Stoke and the world," club director Wayne Bungle announced. "They have their own money and free time nowadays so why not come to Vale Park and cheer the Scamps on?"

The club carried out a survey amongst its male season ticket holders to see what women like and would attract them to games.

"The results were clear: women like knitting, wine and dancing," Bungle continued. "As such, we will be opening a knitting section in the Sentinel Stand, employing male dancers in all four stands and opening our own vineyard in Burslem to produce Port Vale branded wine."

Following a standing ovation, and a little dance, Bungle finished the conference. "With this, Vale has shown itself to be the most forward-thinking club in the country. Onwards and upwards!"

New Port Vale Shirt Is A White Fruit Of The Loom T-Shirt

Port Vale unveiled their new kit for the forthcoming season today to a wave of outrage when it was discovered that it is just a white Fruit of the Loom t-shirt that normally retails for around £3.

The £50 shirt, that comes with a club badge you have to sew on yourself, was shown at a press conference at Vale Park to fans and journalists, and described as a "back to basics" approach.

"This shirt shows the purity of the Vale," club managing director Tony Bates-Hulse announced. "We are the only clean and honest team in this majestic city, not at all like that dirty lot up the road with their unnatural stripes and naked headbutt fights in showers."

Vale also announced that stand alone versions of the recently unleashed new club badge will retail for £99 just in case anyone had any fruity ideas about just sewing one onto another t-shirt and ripping off the club.

"This is a flipping outrage," fan Kiki Fuchs said. "I didn't vote for Brexit to get ripped off like this by my own type. This is the kind of thing you expect from that lot of scroungers from Eastern Europe, not from fellow white Brits."

Bates-Hulse added that it was too late to change now as the club had already taken delivery of two million of the shirts and it was too difficult to return them all.

Vale Announce New Club Badge

Local Endsleigh League team Port Vale FC have unveiled a new club badge ahead of the forthcoming football season.

Featuring symbols representing the club and its hometown of Burslem, the crest was designed by noted local artist Colin Muntford, best known for his statues of giant pigeons that adorn the streets and rooftops of Tunstall.

"This is the commission of a lifetime," Muntford told cheering Vale fans from the centre circle of Vale Park ahead of a pre-season friendly against Real Madrid. "I've got Vale in my blood, heart and gametes! Up the Scamps!"

The new badge will feature on the new Vale strip to be announced soon, as well as all official merchandise and letterheads.

Transfer Gossip

Stoke City haven't been linked with Shaun Wright-Phillips this summer, something that soccerball fans are not happy about.

"It's become a tradition for us to be linked with the diminutive winger then not sign him," Stoke fan Gary Hammers said. "I don't know why it's not happening. He's out of contract, it would be easier than ever to link us to him, I don't know why no newspapers have made it up yet."

Former Stoke gaffer Tony Pulis, now manager of West Boing Baggies Brom, is a long term admirer of former Chelsea striker Didier Drogba, carrying a picture of the Ivorian in his wallet at all times. Drogba has been spotted in a chip shop in West Bromwich, fuelling rumours TP could finally get his man.

Port Vale are looking to shore up their canteen this summer and have been linked with an audacious move for Stanley Matthews Academy dinnerlady Phyllis Funk. "Phyllis serves an excellent mashed potato, something the Scamps are looking to bring to the club." A transfer fee of £500,000 is rumoured.

2014 Review: May

The football season finished with Stoke City in a respectable 9th place and Fegg Hayes Vikings as champions. Port Vale went out in the early rounds but could still make the InterToto cup if other teams are kicked out for cheating.

Hurricane Leeanne swept up the River Trent, causing tidal waves which destroyed many of the new beachfront properties built at tax payers expense just days earlier, none of which had planning permission, been insured or sold.

Scamps Merchandise

Port Vale have officially unveiled their Christmas merchandise range for 2014, a must for all fans of the club.

The highlight is a new range of fragrances for men and women, which include 'Micky Apres Dark' (Pour Homme) and 'Micky Erotique' (Pour Femme), a pair of fragrances by former Scamps manager Micky Adams, and 'Foyle Infinity', which is for both men and women.

Also available will be unofficial Lego figure play sets for all of the Vale's managers, including John Rudge and Brian Horton. The John Rudge set comes with a knife for stabbing Vale fans in the back with, a cement mixer and a spaceship.

Jewellery, clothes and wallpapers designed by famous Scamps fan "Fingers" Phil Taylor are rumoured to be coming in the new year.

Adams Leaves Scamps

Port Vale manager Micky Adams, 52, has left his role at the club with mutual consent, with it being rumoured he is going to pursue a career in dance.

"Micky is a beautiful classical dancer, in some ways more beautiful than the football his teams play, if that's possible," Scamps fan Dave Murray said at Micky's leaving party. "I've seen many performances, they always bring me to horrible tears."

Adams, 55, who was rumoured to be the highest paid manager in English football on £10 million per year, is also rumoured to be on the verge of announcing the creation of his own dance company, Micky & Co.

"I don't think Micky's 59-year-old heart is with the Vale anymore," Murray added. "It's with the Lake. Swan Lake."

Controversial Pastor Dies

Ken Felcher, leader of the controversial Weston Coyney Baptist Church, has died, it has been confirmed by God. Via his family.

"Ken led a superb life, a God-fearing life, according to scripture," his son Terry announced. "He will take up his rightful place at God's side in heaven, where he belongs."

The church has hit the local headlines many times for its controversial practises, which include picketing the funerals of high profile people they deem to be ungodly. Targets included bisexuals, dwarves, people with unnatural hair colours and former players of Port Vale. Its members would often carry signs with slogans such as "God hates mongs" and "Vale scum" to funerals.

"We hope that people will show our leader some respect and not picket his funeral in revenge for everything we've done," Terry Felcher added. "Seriously."

Scamps Unveil Stadium Plans

Port Vale presidential candidate Terry Harlot has unveiled ambitious plans to redevelop their ground Vale Park if he wins the forming presidential elections.

Mr Harlot unveiled the plans at a press meet-and-greet at Holdcroft's car dealership.

"I want to make Vale Park the best ground in the world," he told all present. "I believe that this project will enhance the Port Vale brand and help the local community. No bad can come from this."

The redevelopment will cost £340 million pounds and will come from naming rights and raffles. The new ground's capacity will be 86,000.

Scamps Fans Urged To Smoke

Port Vale director Hobble Kenton has urged fans attending night games to LIGHT UP cigarettes to help LIGHT UP the stadium!

"To help our money saving measures, we are considering turning down the brightness of our floodlights by 10%," explained Mr Kenton. "If Scamps fans can do something that would add light inside the ground to compensate for this, like smoking cigarettes - legal ones only of course! - then this would be a big help."

Vale's next night game is against cockney scumbags Leyton Orient on 11 March. The club will be selling cigarettes in the stands at a discounted price and showing pictures of glamorous celebrities smoking to encourage fans.

January Transfer Window Gossip

Stoke City

The Pottermusses have been linked with a string of big name signings, including Shaun Wright-Phillips, who has been linked with Stoke for a club record tenth straight transfer window. Now that former guv'nor Tony Pulis has found another job as Crystal Palace manager, Stoke are looking into bringing him back in a non-managerial role which would require him to sit on the bench looking gruff, to annoy the London club and to scare opposition managers.

Fegg Hayes Vikings

The Vikings's mega billionaire owner Bilal Sakander has launched audacious bids of £100 million for Lionel Messi, £125 million for Cristiano Ronaldo and £1 for Frank Lampard. "I expect them all to be accepted," Sakander told shoppers at the Potteries Centre, which he owns.

Port Vale

The Scamps have targeted the PA address system of local rivals Kidsgrove Gumps. "It's ready for the big time," manager Micky Adams was overheard saying. A bid for the corner flags at Leek Town have been turned down but the Scamps are expected to come back with a bigger offer. With planning permission granted by Stoke City Council for the Sentinel Stand to be crazy-paved, Scamps scouts will be searching the lower leagues for suitable crazy paving to take on loan with a view to a permanent transfer.

Scamps Ask Fans Not To Dress As Badgers Against Walsall

Port Vale has asked fans not to dress as badgers for their game today against Walsall. Walsall player Lee Kipper alleged a sexual assault against a badger from Burslem several years ago while in a log cabin on a hunting trip in the area.

"It was a serious assault and I'm lucky to have survived," Kipper recently told the Daily Gargoyle. "Had I not been carrying a machete, sub machine gun and sniper rifle, I may not have survived the attack."

One Scamps fan tweeted: "@portvale Will people wearing badger outfits be banned from the game?"

Vale replied in a press release: "Fans will not be banned but we'd prefer it if they didn't dress like badgers at our matches, home or away. We'd prefer it if they came as Boomer The Dog. Or Pikachu."

Ironically, the Scamps's club colours are based on a famous 19th Century albino badger.

Clubs Gear Up For Summer Transfers

Soccer's off-season is an important part of the year for any team's preparations, not just a time when players go on holiday and roast girls with their mates.

Clubs use the summer break to prepare their squad for the season ahead. A major part of this is the transfer of players in and out of clubs, and the "transfer gossip" that comes with this is big news in newspapers and on websites.

"Transfer gossip is important to us," says a Stoke City insider. "It lets us know which players we are after and who our competitors may want. We are especially keen to get one over on West Brom, so we often look into the availability of players linked to that lot."

Jeb Kinghorn makes a living providing transfer gossip to newspapers. "It's a tough job, one of the very toughest," says Jeb. "I have a lot of competition from real transfers that are actually happening so I have to make sure what I come up with has got the chops to look like it could really take place. I have to factor in a lot of information: the clubs involved, a transfer fee, wage demands and a made up quote or two from 'insiders' or 'sources'."

Port Vales chief scout Ken Yip is grateful for transfer gossip columns. "A small club like the 'Scamps' can't afford to make up our own transfer gossip, so we rely on free transfer gossip from newspapers or websites. It really makes a difference for us."

So, can Jeb Kinghorn give EYE ON STOKE any exclusive gossip? "I will give you Shaun Wright-Phillips to Stoke for £6 million from QPR, with a quote from a 'source' close to the player of: 'Stoke are a big team and established in the Premier League. It could be an interesting project.'"

I contacted my Stoke City insider and gave him the gossip. "The transfer fee seems a bit high," he says. "But this does seem like the kind of deal we would do, so I will pass this information onto TP. Thanks."

Scamps Promoted

Local association soccer team Port Vale, nicknamed "The Scamps", have been promoted up a division in the English pyramid league system to one division higher than the division they currently reside in, known as "Division Two" or "bottom o' barrel".

http://www.port-vale.co.uk/news/article/20130420-tears-of-joy-783910.aspx

Scamps manager Micky Adams, who took the boss's job for a second spell last summer despite managerial vacancies at Chelsea, Liverpool and Rotor Volgograd, has vowed to celebrate the team's promotion by eating one of every type of pie in the Wright's Pie shop in Burslem.

"Butcher of Bentilee" Aims For The Top

In an exclusive interview with Stoke City fanzine The Oatcake, the serial killer known as "The Butcher of Bentilee" has said he is aiming to be Stoke's number one mass murderer.

"The Stoke Strangler may be getting the headlines right now but I feel like I am technically better," the Butcher said. "It's gonna take lots of hard work on my part but I think I've got the chops to make it big."

Actual serial killer not pictured

Whereas the Stoke Strangler likes to remain mysterious, the Butcher connects with his fans and potential victims via his Twitter feed @BentileeButcher. "In today's world, it's important to have a forum where you can connect with your fans," says the Butcher. "I have lots of banter on there and if someone sends me abuse I'll jokingly tweet that I'm gonna get them next!" he laughs.

As a lifelong Stoke City fan, the Butcher is also hoping to set a new national record. "I'd like to kill a fan of every Premier League team in the same season," he explains. "I've already done four teams this season and we've got ManYoo today, which is the big one as far as I'm concerned. That said, I'll never tire of killing Scamps [Port Vale] fans, they're my bread and butter."

When Sunday Comes

Liverpool 0-0 Stoke City

Plucky relegation-threatened Liverpool scraped a lucky draw against the Pottermusses in front of a crowd of bemused Scousers, who were warned before the game that their shell suits were a fire hazard and they had to watch the game in their pants and vests for safety reasons.

Exeter 0-2 Port Vale

Pope Tom was the hero once again for the Scamps by scoring two goals, which he immediately dedicated to the victims of Sir Jimmy Savile by pulling off his shirt to reveal a vest with the slogan "Savile was a nonce" on it. Manager Micky Adams has challenged his players to get more goals this season by declaring that he will eat a pie for every goal that the Scamps score.

Fegg Hayes North End Q-J Kidsgrove Rovers

The Nenders won this game which trialled UEFA's experimental new scoring system, where goals are counted in letters rather than numbers, and where extra letters were awarded for fancy tricks or sexy dances. Manager Keith Gobbler was pleased with the result. "It was literally a game of two halves," he told reporters from the world's gathered press. "And the only stat that literally matters is the final score. Hashtag-delighted."

Scamps Target Free Transfers

Port Vale manager Micky Adams has told fans that he is still interested in adding to the Scamps squad with the addition of free transfers.

"I'm hearing a lot of good things about an experienced French defender called Valeny," Adams told bus driver Keith Pegg. "He's big and mobile and will suit this division if the scouting reports are to be believed."

Valeny

"I'm also liking Minanda, a Portuguese attacking midfielder," Adams added to bus passenger Beryl Scrote. "He's just the kind of playmaker I could build the team around. I've seen some of his stats and they are impressive. I could also use a side back, and I've had a Scottish lad called Ruskin recommended to me by lots of people. I will definitely be looking into that one."

The Scamps are currently placed somewhere near the top of the Endsleigh League fourth division.

Soccer Outcomes

Stoke City 1-1 Manchester City

Wealthy and influential people from countries that abuse human rights hold no interest for Peter Crouch, so he scored to ensure that Man City's owners returned home with faces like smacked arses, and hopefully to realise the error of their ways and give the women there equal rights and stuff. Man City fans aren't bothered by people abusing human rights so long as they spend shit tons of money on their team.

Plymouth 1-3 Port Vale

The Scamps have now gone a club record four games without losing. Robbie Williams gave Plymouth the lead in this game, not realising that Scamps manager Micky Adams is at his best when he has to think about what he is doing, and as soon as he realised that Plymouth were rubbish, he told his players this and told them to go out and win, which they did, with hilarious consequences.

Real Fegg Hayes 7-7 Athletico Kidsgrove

The Royals came from 0-7 down in injury time to grab a draw against their local rivals from Kidsgrove to grab an undeserved draw in front of 75,142 fans. Manager Keith Gobbler missed the game after his mistress went into labour in the club's chapel before the game. He is hoping for a son called Rodney. 

Stoke Says: Bring Back Corporal Punishment

In an online poll by Port Vale FC, Stokies have voted overwhelmingly to say that they want to bring Corporal Punishment back to Stoke!

The American wrestler, real name: Daniel McDevitt, has worked widely on the American independent wrestling scene and has a cult following in Stoke thanks to his involvement with Maryland Chamionship Wrestling (MCW).

"Corporal Punishment is, like, totes one of my faves," commented Stoke Wrestling Society chairman Jack Weasles. "If we could get him to come to Stoke, that would totes show all my enemies who's the boss and who's the bitch."

Corporal Punishment has yet to comment on the poll.

Scamps To Go Broke?

It has been revealed that local pro league soccer team Port Vale, nicknamed "The Scamps", have asked Stoke's Council of Elders for more than £300,000 to help keep the club alive. The appeal was discussed by the elders last night during a barbecue held in their honour by local crime gangs.

It seems likely that the Scamps players will not be paid on time this month. This adds to rumours that there is also an outstanding tax bill and money owed to other companies such as shirt manufacturers, loan companies and local gentlemen's club Lapland UK for "services rendered at private parties".

Not everyone is unhappy with the news. Stoke City fan Paul Pegg is overjoyed: "I've wanted rid of the Scamps for years, they're a load of shit-eating fuckwads. Good riddance to bad rubbish."

There has been no word yet from any of Vale's celebrity fans, who include Robbie Williams, Jonathan Wilkes, Phil Taylor, Dave Munton and Dave Murray.