Peter Of Packmoor

Peter Of Packmoor was a significant translator of books in Stoke in the eleventh century.

Translating books from Latin into pictures, he made literature popular and accessible for the common man, and was hailed a hero of his time.

Also known as Peter The Perv, most of the books he translated were graphic in nature, or had extra graphic materials added to his translated version. His version of the bible is largely sexual in nature.

He is remembered in Stoke in a statue tribute, currently residing in the cellar of Hanley Cathedral, though it once sat proudly in the city centre, right about where the Sir Stanley Matthews statue is now.

Bogdor Library

The Bogdor Library, situated just north of the Fegg Hayes Royal Botanical Gardens, is a rare example of a British 16th Century parish library.

Founded in around 1585 by Sir Bog Dorkins, it was established to provide an education for the choir boys of the local church, St Doug The Destroyers. It was later given to the church on a 750 year lease.

A large portion of the library still exists to this day and provides an insight into scholarship, religion and kiddy porn excused as art.

Most of the library's treasures are pictures of choir boys, in various states of athletic action and undress.

A definitive history of the Bogdor Library can be found in the book 'My choir boy likes to party all the time!' by Professor Hannah Stump-Bunting.

School Closes For Christmas

Students, their parents and staff of St Barry's Primary School in Goms Mill were celebrating this morning after headmaster Terry Orange announced that the school would be closed until the new year, giving them a near four week Christmas holiday!

"After the tragic deaths of over 100 of our students and 12 of our teachers yesterday, when that big train derailed and smashed through the school, killing everyone it its path, we feel it wouldn't be right to continue the school term," Mr Orange said. "We hope the survivors enjoy the extended Christmas break and return on 05 January ready to learn."

New Stokie Dictionary Announced

The line up for the official 2015 Stokie dictionary has been announced, and word fans can rejoice as many local favourites have been included into Stoke's official vocabulary.

New words that have made the cut include bro*, broral** and bromophobia***.

"These new words reflects Stoke's position as a leading university city as these are mainly words the young people use, especially frat boys and uni students," language expert Clarence Pigpuncher said. "The future is bright, the future is Stoke."

Words that have been left out of the latest dictionary, and as such are no longer considered suitable for use in polite conversations in Stoke, include: assclown, fuckglove, fucktart, scragg-end and shitsocker.

* bro = close friend, party dude

** broral = when one bro sucks off another bro, normally when the bro receiving the sucking off is feeling down. Perceived as homosexual by people who don't understand the special bond between bros, but it isn't

*** bromophobia = a fear of bros, a fear that one of your bros might be gay, or what they do is gay

Drug Dealer Holds Sale

Local drug dealer "Camp John" has slashed his prices to welcome new students to the city!

"Moving away from home to a new city is a frightening challenge for any young person," Camp John explains. "My 25% discount will help the youngsters build their self confidence, making it easier for them to settle in and make friends."

"Let's be BFFs"

"We commend Camp John on this initiative and will be recommending students pay him a visit," Staffordshire University student adviser Charlotte Baiser says. "We hope this will encourage other businesses in the city to follow suit."

The sale will last until the end of October, and students will have to present their NUS student card to claim their discount.

Chavs Accused Of Infiltrating Schools

Stoke City Council is under pressure to intervene after reports that extremist chav groups had infiltrated free schools in the city.

"We take accusations like this very seriously and will be asking around to get the word on the street," city councillor Jinky Watkins told reporters via satellite from his holiday home in Barbados.

It is alleged that chav groups have been going into local schools, giving assemblies where they make vague and untrue assumptions about foreigners, make students in art classes paint Burberry patterns and encourage bullying and violence against "fancy dans" and hipsters.

"They're trying to convert children to the chav lifestyle," education expert Gary Battlefield explains. "Normally this is done through internet propaganda on sites like Facebook, and we should be worried they are now targeting our kids directly. Chavs: leave our kids alone!"

No Surprise At Rise In Underage Pregnancies

Stokies have reacted with indifference to news that underage  pregnancies are on the rise.

"The only thing that I'm surprised about is that the number is so low," said cultural commentator and the Cobridge Tourist Board's Dave Murray. "I'd have put the number at like 50% of girls, not 42 for the whole city. I'm disappointed."

Teachers in city schools have been giving extra contraception advice in classes as part of the City Council's drive for Stoke to lose it's tag as the underage sex capital of Britain.

"We advise children to use any available bag or wrapping as makeshift condoms," says teacher Gill Mustard. "Be that a crisp packet or cling film, it's all good craic."

Stoke Gets Improved GCSE Results

The number of students in Stoke who got at least one 'C' grade pass in their GCSEs has risen for the first time in 30 years, bucking national trends.

 

Stoke City Council has reported that 10 students across the city passed at least 1 GCSE, a rise on last year, when 8 students got a GCSE pass.

 

 

"This represents a 533% rise," says teacher Sharon Gump. "This shows that the system works and that we know what we're doing. This is the first time the city has hit double figures and puts us ahead of those thieves and scallies from Liverpool."

 

The city council is planning a pub crawl for the successful students.

Michael Gove: Let's Take Schools Back To The 1950s!

Millionaire education secretary Michael Gove has finally begun to do what every "right-mined" Tory in the country has been saying for years: he's making schools go back to what they did back in his day, back when he "were a lad"!

Instead of using progressive, modern teaching ideas, Gove has gone back to 1950s teaching methods, re-introducing roman numerals, abacuses and bibles to maths classes, in favour of calculators or actual mathematics.

 

Gove's new plans are to be trialled in Stoke. "Stoke’s schools are the closest we could find to what went on in the 1950s," explained Mr Gove, "So it won’t need changing a lot. In my opinion, the only maths children really need is knowing the numbers of bible verses. Everything else is just bullshit."

Local teacher Kerry Birch is unhappy with the proposals. "This just smells like the latest idea-fart from this big, ugly pompous arse," she says. "And I don't like the smell of it one bit."