Nerd Punched For Not Shutting Up About How Good Super Mario Odyssey Is

Local gamer Derek Scragg found himself with reduced health earlier today when a work colleague punched him in the face!

Derek had spent the weekend playing the latest Nintendo Switch game 'Super Mario Odyssey' and decided to spend most of his day telling workmates how good it is.

"Aye, he wouldn't shut up about it," said the puncher, Terrence Pegg. "Just banging on about it all fucking day, did my head in. So yeah, I slopped his nut."

"I missed my chance at countering," Derek said. "I saw the warning symbol above his head but didn't press circle in time, as they say. It's a great game though, you really need to play it."

People Who Say "Fake News" A Lot Are Thick, Says Study

A new study by nerds at Staffordshire University has found that people who use the term "fake news" are less intelligent than people who don't.

"Listen, this is not a dig at Donald Trump," Professor Jack Scrumps said. "I'm a big fan of the man, big fan. I once did a piss into the letterbox of one of his hotels. Good times."

The study analysed the social media posts of people rating overall intelligence from their output and linking it to uses of certain keywords and phrases.

"According to the study, Trump is a fuckwit," Professor Scrumps added. "The study doesn't lie."

Phrases that smarter people use include "gumption", "cut of your jib" and "no bad can possibly come from this".

Fallout Makers Deny Copying Stoke

Bethesda Softworks, makers of the 'Fallout' video game series, have denied accusations that the games are a blatant rip off of life in Stoke.

"I recently played through Fallout 4," gamer Chubb Yates said. "On the PS4, not the Xbox One, I'm not a peasant. I noticed that the overworld of the game was incredibly similar to that of Longton. A bit too similar. More than is normal."

Longton, yesterday

"So I went back and played Fallout 3 and what did I find?" Chubb continued. "Norton, that's what."

Chubb contacted Bethesda employees on Twitter and got only one reply: "What is a Stoke?"

"Their silence speaks volumes," Chubb concluded. "I hope the city council quite literally sues the shit out of dem yankee bastards."

What's The Beef?

By Dick Mellor, the people's champion.

Why are we all so bothered that our beef supplies have turned out to be largely horse meat? I'll tell you why: because the lefty, lesbi-friends, veggie elite, who want to turn us all into mindless automatons who get our nutrients from "natural" foods and hug trees, have made such a fuss about it. Well I for one won't be giving up meat and will be buying up supplies of the beef lasagne that contains the horse meat, I don't care. Give me a scorpion on a stick, like that lot of commies in the Orient eat, I'll take it, as long as it's classed as meat. Eating meat is natural and it's the only way we can to stand up to this menace.

I also see that our clam-munching friends at the Guardian are trying to put an end to Page 3. I met a Guardian reader once and he was a pervert. If I wanna look at titties, and I do, then I should be allowed to do so. If you don't like looking at titties, then fuck off to commie China, where titties are outlawed.

*This week's column is dedicated to our departing Pope.

It's A Fix!

Stoke has been reeling all week after Anthea Turner, known locally as "the people's princess", was voted off ITV1 show 'Dancing On Ice' last Sunday night.

"I'm devastated," said city councillor Jinky Watkins, Stoke's special envoy to Anthea Turner. "And the fact she lost to a dickhead like Cheggers makes it even worse. My Sundays, and maybe even my life, are literally ruined now."

Anthea showed why she has been voted Stoke's sexiest woman on so many occasions, wowing viewers with her supple curves and firm hard-body, moving in such a way as to subtly let viewers know that she is a skilled and accomplished lover, a master in the erotic arts and a connoisseur of the pleasures of the flesh.

Stoke On The Telly

It's a good time for Stoke on TV right now.

BBC 4 is currently showing a documentary series filmed in Stoke called 'The Year the Town Hall Shrank', you can see the BBC's page here:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b01nvwr8/The_Year_the_Town_Hall_Shrank_All_In_This_Together/

The third and final episode is on BBC 4 tonight at 9pm and available afterwards via the link above.

If you're a sport fan, you can follow Stoke's finest at the Grand Slam of Darts across the Sky Sports channels, or go the website here for more info:

http://www1.skysports.com/darts/

Local legends Ted Hankey and Adrian Lewis are out but 27 times world champion Phil Taylor is still going strong in the tournament.

That is all.

One-Armed Black Lesbian: Clarkson Is A Twat

A one-armed black lesbian from Stoke has told Jeremy Clarkson and The Daily Mail to stop blaming her for all of their perceived ills in society.

Speaking at a press conference at a stall outside of HMV in the Potteries Centre, once the site of a performance by 1990s Gladiator "Falcon", Mary Platterday pleaded with the right wing mouthpieces to leave her alone.

"I'm sick of hearing about how I'm to blame for everything that goes wrong in 'Broken Britain'," said the mortician. "My limb deficiency and sexual preferences have nothing to do with crime, poverty, economic downturn or benefit cheats."

"Clarkson can fuck right off," she added. "That nob-eyed, bald, racist, inbred-looking cock-waiter can go eat a bag full of dicks as far as I'm concerned. And The Daily Mail is a streaky turd of a publication read by racists, wife-beaters, angry pervs and nonces."