Average Stoke Life Expectancy Rises Again

More good news for Stokies today as Stoke City Council announced that Stokies are living longer than ever!

"The average life expectancy for people in Stoke is now over 50 for the first time ever," councillor Jinky Watkins said. "If ever there was a time to binge on food, booze, fags and drugs, it is now."

The average Stokie can now expect to live to 50 years and 2 months of age, a one year increase on this time a year ago.

"This is largely down to the fact that the quality of drugs in the city has increased," local GP Dr Flip Mackenzie commented. "Better quality smack equals fewer deaths."

Winter Sickness Report

Stoke's Medical Council, sponsored by Poveys Oatcakes, has released its report on sickness over the winter season.

"The number of people catching colds has gone down by 13%," Dr Phil Spartacus, author of the report boasts. "We put this down to increased unemployment leading to less people being able to afford to ever leave their house and thus catch less viruses."

The biggest claim from the report is that most coughs in Stoke are now caused by having pubic hairs stuck in the throat.

"Based on the evidence from local doctors, this is the conclusion we have reached," Dr Phil adds. "The facts don't lie."