Police Appeal For Witnesses

Barry The Clown

Police have appealed for witnesses after an incident yesterday that left a clown with a pie on his face.

Barry The Clown was entertaining at a children's garden party on Gash Road in Newstead when a cream pie was thrown into his face by one of the children, though by which one remains a mystery.

Staffordshire Police were called and detained the children for questioning. Under local laws, they can be held for 2 years without charge.

"We are determined to get to the bottom of this," police spokesman PC Barry Shanks said. "If any passers-by saw anything, now is the time to come forward. Clowns are people too and shouldn't be subject to these kind of calculated attacks. We are treating this as a hate crime."

Once the culprit is discovered, Barry The Clown plans on pressing criminal charges, and taking the case to a civil court to seek compensation.

Staffordshire Police To Take Christmas Break

Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks has confirmed that the force will be closing down over Christmas.

"Because of government cutbacks, and staff wanting time off over Chrimbo, we have decided to close for a couple of weeks from 22 December until 04 January 2015," PC Shanks explained. "Before and after that we will be offering an almost full service. An awesome service, some might say. But for this time period, we won't really be doing anything."

PC Shanks has played down fears that the lack of police will lead to an explosion of crime in the city.

"The facts are that most crims are too lazy to do anything over Christmas," PC Shanks said. "Having bobbies on the beat is kind of pointless. And some of the work local vigilantes have been doing recently is outstanding, real top stuff. You'll be alright, don't worry. These things have a way of working themselves out."

Cockney Spotted In Stoke

Stokies have been warned to be on the lookout after reports that a Cockney was spotted in the city centre last night.

"I definitely heard one at The Reginald Mitchell," Mandy Fistsock said. "It was saying stuff like 'guv'nor', 'wassup' and 'lovely jubbly'. It was a horrible abuse of the English language. I just left and never looked back."

"There has been more crime lately than normal," PC Barry Shanks of Staffordshire Police said. "We attributed it to the half term school holidays, but a cockney on the loose would make much more sense. When we finally catch it, we can probably also link it to any unsolved crimes since its been in the area too."

"If you see a cockney, do not approach it," PC Shanks warns. "Call the police and get well away from it."

Wanking Man Falls To Death

A local man has died by falling off a rooftop while masturbating, Staffordshire Police has confirmed.

"We don't know if it was suicide or if he was just too vigorous," police spokesman Barry Shanks said. "He may have just been peering over the edge to get a look at any totty below and lost his footing. Meh."

"I swear he was still tugging at it as he was falling," said eye witness Gary Spacker. "The eye contact with him was what made it uncomfortable for me."

"He went doing what he loved best," his mother Nora said at a wake in his honour. "I wish we could all be so lucky."

Nawty Wittle Boy Strikes Again

The scoundrel known as "Naughty Little Boy" has struck again, leaving Stokies wondering where he's been for the last 10 months.

The unknown man, who performs childish stunts while dressed as a baby, hit HMV in Hanley on Friday afternoon. Proceeding to the checkout holding a copy of 'Weekend At Bernie's' on DVD, the man reached down into his nappy and pulled a dummy out of his anus, before saying his trademark catchphrase to staff at the counter: "I been a nawty wittle boy."

Leaving the DVD and the dummy on the counter, the man scarpered away from the store, stopping at Spud-u-Like to steal a baked potato before leaving the Potteries Centre at the Body Shop exit, not to be seen again.

"This guy is a little shit," says Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "I hope he gets Down's Syndrome or something."

Following People While Hiding In A Box On The Increase, Confirms Staffordshire Police

Staffordshire Police has released its crime figures for 2013, the biggest increase being in the following of people while hiding in a box.

"We've seen a 180% increase in this particular crime," PC Barry Shanks told officials at City Hall. "The old ways are the best and this proves it."

Johnny X is a self-confessed box-follower. "No-one expects you to follow them while hiding under a big box. It's the perfect cover. I've never been caught."

Conversely, sales of boxes in the city is on the decrease. No-one can understand why.

Police Warn Crims

Staffordshire Police have warned Stoke's criminal community: don't mess with us, we've got truncheons!

Speaking at a charity dinner at a hotel located in the thieves' quarter in Hanley, PC Barry Shanks laid down the law.

"We don't mind crims going after plebs," he roared. "But come after us, and we'll beat the shit out of them."

Criminal union spokesman Herv "The Perv" Jones was disappointed with the comments. "Police do little more than come after our members," he said. "They need to stop harassing us and do something else. I don't care what. Save some cats from trees or something."

Police To Auction Items To Pay For Christmas Party

Hanley Police Station has confirmed via satellite today that it will be auctioning off items taken from crims and suspects to raise funds for a series of festive celebrations.

"The lads have worked hard this year and deserve to let off steam over the holidays," says spokesman Barry Shanks. "Crims are too lazy to do anything then anyway and this will save the taxpayer a lot of money. People should be thanking us."

Items going to auction include BMWs (the car of choice for today's successful crim), baseball caps, Adidas tracksuits, Xbox 360s and various illegal drugs with a street value of over £1 million.

"Any money left over after paying for the parties will go into a big pot," explains PC Shanks. "That pot, and it really is a big pot, literally a pot, will be an emergency fund for future parties. It means we can use our government funding purely for police work. For a change."

Police Raid Same Titty Bar 100 Times

Titty Bar owner Dave Munton has reacted angrily after Staffordshire Police raided one of his titty bars for the 100th time this year.

"This is either harassment or cheap coppers trying to get to see some free titties," Munton told reporters at a meet-and-greet session. "Either way, I'm not happy."

Dave Munton: "I call bullshit."

"There is nothing wrong here," said Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks. "We get a lot of anonymous tips that shit is going down there and we need to follow those calls up."

"I call bullshit on the police's excuses," replied Munton. "Bullshit."

New Console Reveal Causes Fights

The launch of the new Xbox One console, part of what a senior EA executive recently described as belonging the the 4th generation of games consoles, has been blamed for fights across parts of the city yesterday.

"The fights seem to be between Xbox and Playstation fans," explains Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "They both disagree about whose next generation console will be best, even though to most impartial observers, they seem to be pretty much the same."

The new Xbox One console

Fans of Sony's Playstation consoles, nicknamed "Gaystation" or "Paystation" by Xbox fans, believe their console's extra power make it the better machine. Fans of Microsoft's Xbox consoles, nicknamed "Hatebox", "Eggbox" and "Robbie Williams's Rudebox" by Sony followers, believe that their console's increased media capabilities make it the better machine.

"I don't know why they're fighting over something so petty," says PC Shanks. "Everyone knows that Nintendo is best."

Stoke Strangler Strikes Again!

Stoke's cheekiest serial killer, the "Stoke strangler", struck again last night, killing  a street dance crew as they performed for their own amusement in a back alley in Longton to the beats of 'urban' music.

"We don't know whether he planned this this or whether it was a crime of opportunity," says PC Barry Shanks of Staffordshire Police. "Either way, this leaves us with a shit ton of paperwork. We're not happy."

Could these be the Stoke Strangler's next victims? Please?

Not everyone is displeased with the Stoke strangler's killing spree. Local woman Sharon Hammers has set up a Facebook page called "The Stoke Strangler is a Legend".

"He's fighting against 'the man' and stuff," explains Sharon. "And I hope he keeps on going cleaning up our filthy streets. We've got 27,000 'likes' already on Facebook and the number is growing."

Man Called Smallie Bigs Gunned Down

In an hilarious twist of fate, a Stoke man called Smallie Bigs was gunned down this morning in a drive-by shooting in Longton, 15 years after the similar death of the oppositely named rapper Biggie Smalls!

"After the deaths of the two WPCs in Mancland, the lads at the station have been a bit down," says Staffordshire Police's Barry Shanks. "But an incident like this perks everyone right up, it's a total 'lmfao' murder!"

There is no suspect yet but PC Shanks admits the police do have a line of enquiry that they are investigating. "My theory is that Puff Daddy was behind the hit on Biggie Smalls. So for this murder, we will be looking for suspects called Duff Paddy or D. Piddy. We've checked the local phonebook, there's no Duff Paddys but there are 47 D. Piddys in the Stoke area. They can all expect a visit from Staffordshire's finest."

Stoke's Crims To Vote On Strike

Stoke's community of crims and ne'er-do-wells are to vote next week on whether to go on strike. The vote comes after weeks of threats by leading cat burglars and malcontents.

Not everyone supports the action. "We don't feel that that lot have the right to go on strike," says Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks. "We will be sending officers to break up any marches."

"This is a right protected in Stoke's constitution," says criminal spokesman Kev Potts. "This is because of poor working conditions such as longer hours for less pay. We won't stand for it anymore."

"This is just another example, from a big list in my head, of modern crims being bleeding heart, leftie-liberal softies," says gentleman thief Gerard Andrews, who opposes the strike. "Raffles would be turning in his grave. If he were real."

Car Blown Up By Police "For Laughs"

Staffordshire Police police had to evacuate the area around Stoke City Footbal Club's ground today and carry out a controlled explosion on Jim Kennel's white Vauxhall Nova after he abandoned it just yards from the Britannia Stadium.

Mr Kennel was forced to park the vehicle near to the stadium after it broke down. While waiting for help the tourist decided to kill some time with a stroll round the nearby Power League football and leisure facility.

He left the car with a note on the windscreen pleading with traffic wardens not to give him a ticket.

On returning to the destroyed vehicle he said:  "I noticed that all my windows were smashed. That lot [Staffordshire Police] said to me that they'd used explosives to see what would happen, because it might be a 'larf'."

Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks added: "Some of our officers may have gotten a little carried away today. We all know that white Vauxhall Novas are a popular car for terrorists and baddies, our brave boys blew up the car just in case.  We'll be keeping an eye on Mr Kennel from now on."

The car was eventually towed away, but not before a local traffic warden issued Mr Kennel with 42 tickets.

"Crim" Released, Probably Guilty

Mackenzie Shenton became one of the youngest people ever to be released from criminal detention in Stoke today when Fenton Magistrates Court, the highest court in Stoke, released him after he served seven years in a cell at Hanley Police Station after having been arrested for "lingering with intent".

Shenton, 24, emerged with his mother, Sue (aged 50), on to the steps of the court, where, in front of a crowd of chavs and crims, he was sprayed with WKD by the friends and supporters who have long campaigned for his release.

Shenton, of Longton, was just 18 when he was arrested by Staffordshire Police for "lingering with intent" near to Tesco in Longton. He was kept in cells awaiting criminal charges for seven years. The magistrates court is now expected to ask Staffordshire Police to drop all charges against him.

Outside the court, Staffordshire Police spokesman, PC Barry Shanks, said: "I am just shocked. I knew this would happen, the courts are a load of shite. Staffordshire Police has gone through hell, keeping this little scrote in our cells for seven years without charge, it is like we were all being tortured. All of us have suffered. We kept him out of society's reach, and this is the thanks we get?"

The only evidence against him was two witnesses who claimed Shenton was "looking shifty" near to the supermarket. One of the witnesses was a middle class old woman, the other was a Daily Mail reader.

Shenton's release comes after a campaign run by friends and family and supported by the entertainer Jonathan Wilkes. Wilkes criticised Staffordshire Police and demanded answers. He said there had been "a cocking outrageous miscarriage of justice" on BBC's Blue Peter. He also added: "This is up there with OJ Simpson's sensational trial of the 1990s as one of the best, and you can read all about my take on it in my forthcoming book, 'Jonathan Wilkes: The Long Walk to Freedom'."

Rooftop Protest At HMP Werrington

The prison service is interviewing the hardened crims detained at Her Majesty’s pleasure at HMP Werrington to find ringleaders of a rooftop protest which ended about 3pm today. The masked inmates, armed with weapons such as a soap bar-in-a-sock, staged a seven-hour rooftop protest – to demand better food and range of satellite TV stations.

Clive Muffblaster, chairman of the Prison Officer's Association, blamed prison overcrowding for the protest. "It appears once again that overcrowding has resulted in serious problems in the pokey. Urgent action must be taken to reduce the current prison population, build more prisons, or introduce the death penalty to thin out the number of crims we already have before further disturbances occur."

HMP Werrington, today

He said staff at the jail blamed the incident on pressure arising from accommodating streams of crims from Longton, currently home to vicious warfare between gangs from North and South Longton.

One prisoner told The Daily Oatcake: "We are protesting because of the way they treat us here. It is a disgrace and the food is terrible. There's no 'haute cuisine', the vegetables are not fresh enough, or organic, the meat is not free range and the truffles served up on Saturday nights are a disgrace."

Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks had predicted the early end to the siege: "Once they get bored and cold they will soon be down. 'Facejacker' is on tonight."

Woman Killed By Badger

A Goldenhill woman is believed to have been killed by a badger in a field close to Goldenhill Golf Course. The 50-year-old's body was discovered in the field in Birchenood Road at about 10am yesterday, Staffordshire Police said.

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said the death of the woman, from Goldenhill, is not being treated as suspicious.

Actual badger elsewhere

He said the badger had not been put down following the discovery of the woman's body.

He added: "The woman's body was found in a field in Birchenood Road at around 10am on Friday April 13. Staffordshire Police are preparing a report for the coroner. It is believed that a badger in the field where the body was found may have caused her death when defending her eggs."

Asbo For Hovercraft Thief

A hovercraft thief has received an Asbo banning him from touching any hovercraft he doesn’t own for three years. Ryland Ricketts, 13, faces a lengthy jail sentence if he is caught handling or driving a hovercraft unless he has documents proving that he is the owner.

It is the first time that such a restriction has been placed on a hovercraft thief caught by Staffordshire Police’s hovercraft task force. Officers today asked the public to contact them if they spot Ricketts breaching the terms of his ban.

Ricketts, from Bentilee, had the Asbo imposed by Fenton magistrates after being caught attempting to steal a hovercraft at Lake Burslem. He was also placed under a three-month curfew and given a supervision order for 18 months.

A hovercraft on Lake Burslem

An accomplice, Steve Mailman, 12, also from Bentilee, was jailed for six weeks in a maximum security facility after being convicted of theft. Both were caught red-handed by the police’s hovercraft task force during a police barbecue at Lake Burslem.

Mailman was spotted loitering around a decoy hovercraft for several hours and was joined by Ricketts, who cut the lock securing the hovercraft to a cardboard cutout of Port Vale manager of Micky Adams. Ricketts was detained immediately while Mailman attempted to escape on a yacht but sailed straight into the path of a police pedalo.

Barry Shanks, police spokesman, said: “This is a significant decision of the court which has resulted in harsh sentences for these ne'er-do-wells. Hovercraft theft is a crime that can have a considerable impact on victims and we will continue to target those involved.”

The hovercraft task force, set up in 2010 with funding from Stoke City Council, has made more than 2 arrests since its inception.

5 Pensioners Taken To Hospital After Illegal Street Race Crash Disaster Mayhem

Ambulance crews were called to the scene of a crash in Festival Park in the early hours of the morning after a mobility scooter collided with a wall.

Five pensioners were taken to the University Hospital of North Staffordshire following the crash during an illegal street race at 2.15am.

Four ambulances, a paramedic officer in a rapid response vehicle and a trauma doctor were sent to the scene.

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said: "Ambulance crews responded to a mobility scooter in collision with a wall at Festival Park during the early hours of this morning.  A female driver of the mobility scooter was treated for chest and leg injuries. A further female suffered a pelvic injury. Both patients were taken to hospital. Three other patients, a male and two females, were treated for minor injuries and were also taken to hospital for further assessment and treatment. These illegal street races need to stop. Pensioners are out of control in Stoke-on-Trent. I propose martial law."

Getaway Car Smashes Into Massage Parlour After Burglary

Three suspected burglars were arrested last night after a getaway car smashed into a massage parlour in Cobridge following a raid on a kebeb shop. The Vauxhall Nova crashed into Sunshine Massage on Battlestar Road in the early hours of yesterday.

Police believe the suspects were fleeing a burglary at Turkish Ken's Kebab Emporium on Regeneration Road, which happened half an hour earlier at around 1.50am.

Two 12-year-olds from Bentilee and a 15-year-old from Werrington were later arrested on suspicion of burglary.

Sally "Big Sal" Jones , 50, who runs Sunshine Massage, said the car first hit a mobility scooter before smashing through the downstairs entrance. Sally said: "Thankfully there were some police officers here when it happened, so they were able to arrest the boys quickly. They've taken the front door out completely. Customers will have to use the back entrance for a while. Not sexually."

Police spokesman Barry Shanks said: "People appear to be alarmed when they see the sight of helicopters, police dogs and officers. I'd like to reassure the public following all the police presence in and around Sunshine Massage that we were there to catch any crims who may or may not have been in the area at that time. We shall keep a police presence there for the foreseeable future just to make sure."