2016 Review: January

2016 got off to an explosive start when a series of bombs were exploded by terrorist group ISIS during Stoke's new year celebrations. Tens of thousands died during the blasts. Fortunately, Jonathan Wilkes was not one of them; his panto co-stars formed a workable human shield protecting him from the blast.

The subsequent ground assault from ISIS troops swept through the city, until a joint team of paintballers and the Crackley Republican Army kept them at bay, buying troops at RAF Trentham time to load mini nukes into a giant metal robot called Tin Can Terry, which proceeded to blow itself up at the battle site taking out the ISIS group and most of Longton.

Brexit Fuels 'Stexit' Hopes

Britain's recent vote in favour of leaving the European Union, better known as Brexit, has fuelled hopes in the city that the long held dream of Stoke becoming a completely independent republic could become a reality.

Stoke City Council has so far batted away questions on the subject, while spokesmen for the Council of Elders, Stoke's supreme ruling body, has refused to take questions of any kind since last Christmas.

Stoke previously fought a war of independence in 1974, when it declared itself the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent, no longer a part of England or the UK. Stoke lost.

"The only reason I voted for Brexit so that Stexit might follow," Stokie Doris Ahmed said. "I care no more for them pig-fuckers in London than I do for those snail-munching rear view mirror cowardly fucktards in France, I want rid of all of them."

"I voted for Brexit cuz I hate foreigners," EYE ON STOKE reader Cub Gunns e-mailed.

Jonathan Wilkes's views on Stexit are also unknown at this time.

Stoke Roses Triumph

The Stoke Roses have been named best new band at the Stoke Music Awards, held last night at the Burslem Hilton.

The band, a tribute to The Stone Roses, were overjoyed.

"We're mad for it, our kid," the Ian Brown lookalike said.

"'Avin it large!" The Mani lookalike added.

"I'd like to thank my mum and dad, and God," the John Squire lookalike said.

The Reni lookalike had nothing to say.

The band also double as a Michael Jackson tribute act.

Other big winners on the night included Jonathan Wilkes, who took home the inaugural lifetime achievement award, Jonathan Wilkes, who won performer of the year, and Jonathan Wilkes, who won man of the year.

Dick Wilkesington

Local legend Jonathan Wilkes has been wowing the crowds in panto this year, let's take a look at some of the reviews left on the relevant internet web page.

"I've seen Olivier do Shakespeare, I've seen Dylan play Woodstock. And now, I've seen Wilkes do panto. Thus, the holy trinity of live entertainment is complete as far as I'm concerned." - Jock, Burslem

"To say that Wilkes owned the stage is no exaggeration, as he actually owns all of Stoke." - Harry Minge, Hanley

"Wilkes is the perfect all-round entertainer. I'm betting he'd be a cracking shag too. Top marks." - Betty, Fegg Hayes

"What would be weak material for a normal performer, Wilkes spins into panto gold, like a mad, innuendo-fuelled alchemist." - Mick Beanstalk, Longton

"God knows what Robbie Williams would think of all of this, but he'd probably love anything Jonathan Wilkes was in." - Jamie Dregs, Trent Vale

Robbie Williams's Wife Shits Out Another Kid

Congratulations to famous Stokie Robbie Williams, whose foreign wife Ayda has given birth to the couple's second nipper.

How Mrs Williams got pregnant is not yet clear, though it may have involved unprotected SEX, possibly by a roaring fireplace in a rustic mansion, or possibly down an alleyway in Fegg Hayes. The involvement of Jonathan Wilkes is not yet clear.

Wish You Were Here?

Burslem has copyrighted and trademarked the phrase "The English Riviera" as it bids to become one of the country's top holiday hotspots.

"Everyone knows us as the English Riviera anyway, this just cements the deal," Mayor of Burslem Frank Goober announced to crowds outside of Burslem Town Hall. "We have big plans."

Those plans include the building of statues of Robbie Williams and Jonathan Wilkes hugging and a giant hotel in the shape of a Pokéball.

"With these, we will pretty much have all tourism bases covered when added to what we already have in the town," Mayor Goober explained.

Potteries Museum To Hold Wilkes Exhibition?

Following the success of the recent exhibition about Robbie Williams, rumour has it that the Potteries Museum in Hanley is gearing up to put on a show about Jonathan Wilkes.

"The Robbie Williams show was, for my money, testing the waters ahead of a show about Wilkes," said Wendy Whiggal, secretary of fan club The Wilkes Explosion and columnist in its accompanying monthly magazine. "That's the show the people of Stoke really want and it looks like they're going to get it."

"If a Robbie Williams show gets record numbers, then a Wilkes show would get even more record numbers," Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board added. "We have a permanent display to Wilkes at Cobridge Town Hall and would be happy to help out the museum with their show."

The Potteries Museum has so far stayed tight-lipped about the rumours. "We do not comment on transfer speculation or gossip," museum director Mandy Pickaxe told listeners to Signal Gold'. "We have a chance to show the entire Staffordshire Hoard, or we can do a show about Wilkes. I'm not saying anything."

"I'll take that as a yes," Wendy Whiggal replied. "A load of old buried gold or the diamond of Stoke's entertainment scene. I think we all know which is best."

2013 Review: Part I

January

Hurricane Terry laid waste to much of Stoke to ruin the New Year celebrations for the 47,000 revellers killed as the storm hit Stoke just past midnight as people were still singing 'Auld Lang Syne'. Rumours that Jonathan Wilkes had died during the celebrations lead to an outpouring of grief not seen in the city since Wayne Biggins announced his retirement from football.

February

Tory councillor Ken Carp took advantage of the fact that he was the only councillor who managed to get to City Hall during the massive snow storms that crippled much of the city in early February by passing a series of laws for his own benefit. These included a city-wide 5pm curfew for people under the age of 35, the abolition of cats, the introduction of hovercraft lanes (to replace cycle lanes) and the banning of books he didn't like. Books that were banned included the Little Miss series ("the Mr Men's retarded, boring sisters"), 'Bonjour Tristesse' by Francoise Sagan ("too French") and all Dan Brown books ("they're shit").

March

Stoke City Council announced plans to build an underwater tunnel direct from Stoke to Kavos. "Most people from Stoke now holiday to Kavos," explained Michelle Barold, city councillor for holidays. "With this tunnel, we can expect people from Kavos to come holiday in Stoke too." The tunnel will cost £30 billion to build and will be funded through city council cutbacks.

The Jonathan Wilkes Explosion

A new Jonathan Wilkes fan club has officially been birthed (and registered with Companies House) called The Jonathan Wilkes Explosion. It has been formed by a splinter group from The Jonathan Wilkes Experience, unhappy at the direction that the Experience is taking into long, freeform, stream of consciousness articles on the all-round entertainer and family man.

"We're called the Explosion cus we're gonna be like the big bang for Jonathan Wilkes fan clubs," says club secretary Wendy Whiggal. "In the future, everything else will refer back to the big bang that was the launch of this club."

The club was originally called The New Jonathan Wilkes Experience, then Jonathan Wilkes's New Experience, but high court injunctions taken out by The Jonathan Wilkes Experience put paid to these names.

Stoke To Host Its Own Hunger Games

Stoke City Council has confirmed that the city is to host its own Hunger Games.

"This is an exciting opportunity for Stoke," says Gerry Hams, city councillor for warfare. "The movie was a worldwide sensation and I don't see why we shouldn't wet our beaks too."

Like in the movie, two youngsters from each of Stoke's towns will be selected to fight to the death in Central Forest Park in Hanley. The winner will get £25,000 and a spot alongside Jonathan Wilkes as a judge on Stoke's Top Talent.

"This is the chance of a lifetime for the winner," adds Cllr Hams. "No bad can come from this."

Stoke To Get Walk Of Fame

Stoke City Council has announced plans for the city to get its own walk of fame, to recognise the important work that celebrities from the city have done.

"Jonathan Wilkes is a shoe-in to be first on the walk," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "After that it's anybody's guess."

Birmingham's Walk of Stars

The move is inspired by rival city Birmingham's "Walk of Stars", which was started in 2007, with reality TV star Ozzy Osbourne being the first to be honoured. He has since launched a career in music. American city Hollywood has also since copied the idea and had their own walk of fame.

A list of famous Stokies can be found by clicking here.

You've Been Paid!

According to a new report by Stoke Institute of Fighting and Finance (StIFF), sending videos into the TV show 'You've Been Framed!' has become the primary source of employment and income for over half of Stoke's adults.

Complete this sentence:
WE WILL *OCK YOU

"This all started the glorious year that Jonathan Wilkes hosted the show," says finance expert Kev Heath. "Interest in sending in videos sky-rocketed and this trend has continued throughout Harry Hill's tenure of the show that Wilkes made famous."

2012 Review: October

Stoke was devastated by a MASSIVE earthquake in October, that ripped the city into two parts and killed over half of the city's population.

Packmoor, after the earthquake

Singer Jonathan Wilkes, who survived the earthquake by pushing less important people such as children and old people out of his way, commemorated the dead with a charity single, "Tremors of Love", that was a best seller among the city's devastated surviving population.

As a consequence of the earthquake, many Stokies, especially those from towns in the grim north, reverted to looting and violence as a way of coping with their grief.

Stoke's Man Of The Year

Stoke City Council has listed its nominees for the coveted "Man of the Year" award. They are:

*Adrian Lewis

*Jonathan Wilkes

*Peter Crouch

*The Packmoor Ripper

E-mail your vote to the city council now at: Enquiries@stoke.gov.uk. You should enter "Man of the Year" in your e-mail subject line.

The event will be hosted by Jonathan Wilkes himself as he has promised a video appearance by Robbie Williams and not to give the award to himself if it is undeserved.

There will be no woman of the year award.

City Council Ponders Building Names

Stoke City Council has said it will consider renaming its headquarters and other buildings in the wake of recent scandals.

The city council headquarters is currently called Sir Jimmy Savile House, while there is also a nuclear weapon storage unit (The Savile Bunker) and a staff canteen at Swift House (Salon du Savile) named in his honour.

City councillor Jinky Watkins explains the move. "This is like the Gary Glitter thing all over again. We had to rename almost half of our buildings when we found out he was a nonce. We thought we were onto a winner with Savile but it wasn't to be."

The council has yet to comment on whether it has any plans to rename its pest control base, The Freddie Starr Emporium, or not.

Jonathan Wilkes is said to be keen to have the buildings named after himself in the short term until a new celebrity name is found. "Wilkes is a safe pair of hands," commented councillor Watkins. "Just ask Robbie Williams, he has relied on those hands many a time."

Situation Worsens, Bono Gets Involved

As the situation in Cobridge fails to improve, the Cobridge Appeal Fund has been set up to help pay for the clean up. £120 has already been raised. Former Prime Minister Tony Blairs was quick to praise the generosity of the British people. "The generosity of people, even when some have so little to give, which is Gordon Brown's fault not mine, has humbled even me, Tony Blairs."

BBC News correspondents have described Cobridge as "apocalyptic", and estimate around 80-90% of buildings are uninhabitable. The BBC News team even came across an old man, having to sleep in a cardboard box in an alleyway. He was trying to heat up some food on a spoon with a cigarette lighter. He had to wear a belt on his arm to fight the cold.

Dieter Rathaus, an official from the German Department of Social Affairs has been to visit the affected area. "It's horrific. There have been reports of gangs preying on local residents and spraying graffiti on walls. I've seen houses with windows boarded up. I've never heard anything like it. All my colleagues are freaked out and shaken. People were crying."

Reports claim that a large number of people leave the affected area every morning between 8am and 9am. However, a similar number of people seem to arrive in the area between 5pm and 6pm. UN Police have fired rounds at the people trying to enter the area in the evening, to little avail.

British Rail and Virgin Trains have started to transport aid into the city. Richard Branson has pledged £150,00 from his Richard Branson's Changing Suit charity programme, which gives tailored suits to the poor and needy. His trains will transport the suits. British Rail meanwhile has removed seats from its economy class section to store water containers, purification equipment and pumps. "I've not seen anyone drinking water since I've been here," explained a Unicef ambassador, one of the first people to arrive in the area. "The people seem to live on fizzy drinks and alcohol. Oh, the humanity!"

The World breathed a collective sigh of relief later with the news that Bono has become involved in the campaign. "Celebrity is currency, and I want to spend myself in Cobridge," he said. "I love the work I do. It's a privilege to serve the poor. But we're not here today for a victory lap, we're here to overtake poverty. Because the situation in Cobridge is outrunning us. Every World era has its defining struggle and the fate of Cobridge is ours. And you know what's amazing? Everywhere I go, I see the same compassion as I see all over the world. And, increasingly, I see the same conviction that we can and we must join together to help Cobridge."

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, one of the first overseas politician to offer help to Cobridge, had some positive words. "The USA will be here today, tomorrow and for foreseeable future to overthrow any local warlords and to ensure peace here by any means necessary. I believe that Cobridge can come back even better and stronger in the future."

Jonathan Wilkes has announced that he will be hosting a telethon to help raise funds. Stars confirmed for the show include Sting, Bono and Pete Waterman. Robbie Williams will pre-record a message of good luck to Jonathan Wilkes for the show.

Costa Rican Arrested For Having Fake Jonathan Wilkes ID

Police in Costa Rica said over the weekend that they have arrested a man for forgery when he tried to open a bank account using an identification document with a photo of local star Jonathan Wilkes on it!

Jonathan Wilkes, yesterday

Jose Luis Carrera, 51, was arrested in the city of   San Jose and charged with using false documents and forgery, police said. He also was carrying identification documents belonging to other Stokies Robbie Williams and Nicholas Read.

"The document with the photo of Mr Wilkes and other false identification were used to start a pyramid scheme and to try to open a bank account," said Costa Rican police spokesman Barrio Shankerra. "But we've got the bastard now."

Police do not know how he came to know so much about celebrities from Stoke.