2012 Review: March

Disaster struck Stoke in March when Mount Terry erupted spewing lava across much of the northern and central towns of Stoke, eventually taking the lives of over half of the city's population. The fallen are remembered in a sculpture of the volcano in the car park at Sainsbury's in Stoke.

Survivors cheered themselves when badger baiting season opened with the murder of Stoke's oldest and biggest badger, "Large Ken". The badger's death, at the hands of men with broken WKD bottles, opened up a city-wide debate on the future of the sport, currently seeing bigger crowds than ever. Nigel "Nidge" Snotshot, manager of the city's biggest team, the Fegg Hayes Rascals, was called to a session of the Council of Elders to defend the sport.

Stoke Company Unveils The Future

A local company has shown the world why Stoke is regarded locally a world-leading hub of innovation by unveiling the next generation of mobility scooters (pictured below).

The new design radically changes the chassis of the mobility scooter to something now resembling a smart car.

And what future developments does creator Mike Badger see for mobility scooters? "I see mobility scooters in the future seating more than one person, maybe even as many as five," he says. "And having bigger engines, maybe some storage space at the back, some gears and maybe even a stereo."

Tories Scupper Democratic Change In Stoke

Maverick Stoke City Councillor Ken Duggan is expected to announce next week he has been forced to abandon council reform after fuckwit Conservative councillors voted against proposals to bring greater democracy to the city.

Discussions are under way over how to fill the resulting void in the city's legislative programme, with measures to encourage tax cuts for the wealthy and tax breaks for employing butlers being promoted by senior Tories.

Duggan had wanted to implement a motion that would require Stoke's elders be democratically elected, a plan opposed by Tories. The positions are currently hereditary.

"The Tories can go fuck themselves right up their bollocks," Duggan said to children visiting Stoke City Council headquarters. "They're a bunch of greedy self-serving shitmunchers."

Car Blown Up By Police "For Laughs"

Staffordshire Police police had to evacuate the area around Stoke City Footbal Club's ground today and carry out a controlled explosion on Jim Kennel's white Vauxhall Nova after he abandoned it just yards from the Britannia Stadium.

Mr Kennel was forced to park the vehicle near to the stadium after it broke down. While waiting for help the tourist decided to kill some time with a stroll round the nearby Power League football and leisure facility.

He left the car with a note on the windscreen pleading with traffic wardens not to give him a ticket.

On returning to the destroyed vehicle he said:  "I noticed that all my windows were smashed. That lot [Staffordshire Police] said to me that they'd used explosives to see what would happen, because it might be a 'larf'."

Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks added: "Some of our officers may have gotten a little carried away today. We all know that white Vauxhall Novas are a popular car for terrorists and baddies, our brave boys blew up the car just in case.  We'll be keeping an eye on Mr Kennel from now on."

The car was eventually towed away, but not before a local traffic warden issued Mr Kennel with 42 tickets.

Staffordshire University Expresses Fears About Gove's Plans To Reform A-Levels

Staffordshire University has expressed concern over education secretary Michael Gove's plans to ask members of the public to set A-level exams in two years' time, claiming that the system is "not broken".

Gove has written to the qualifications watchdog Ofqual, on scented paper, calling for exam boards and ministers to "take a step back" from dictating the content of the exams.

Instead, members of the public will be allowed to set questions and deciding what topics students will need to know. Schools will be advised to put their pupils in for only those A-levels that have been approved by the the public.

Michael Gove, today

"I am increasingly concerned that current A-levels, though they have much to commend them, fall short of commanding the level of confidence we would want to see," Gove's letter to Ofqual states. "In line with allowing members of the public to create their own schools, we will now allow them to set A-level questions."

But Staffordshire University said setting A-level questions was a "much more complex task than letting a few knuckleheads come up with questions off the top of their idiot heads".

"I fear that some of Gove's concerns are based on some dream he had that idiots know better than experts," said university spokesman Ken Lick. "I doubt that white van men are better placed than exam boards to undertake the highly complex task of setting examinations for many thousands of 18-year-olds."

Council Spunks Money On Play Space For Staff

Cash-strapped council bosses have spent almost £2,500,000 on bulldozing a former job centre and transforming it into a staff "play space". Accounts revealed under a Freedom of Information request show Stoke City Council spent £1,020,300 buying the empty building in Fleming Road, Stoke.

The council then spent a further £36,532 to demolish the building and clear the site and the rest of the budget spent on furnishing the building to create a "21st century play space" for workers based at Adrian Heath House.

But the council, which is going through the most widespread programme of cuts and efficiency savings the city has ever known, has defended its decision. It says the building needed to be bulldozed and a staff space to encourage playtime and creativity was the best use for the site.

Councillor Ruth Cloggs, Liberal Democrat cabinet member for Creative Thinking, said: "The Stoke Town Masterplan was prepared for the regeneration of the town. The project cost only  £2,410,000, covering procurement of the building, legal fees paid to Adrian Heath for using his name without permission, and furnishing costs. Finance for this work came from the council's arts and culture programme which, let's face it, was only going to be wasted on theatre, art and shit like that."

In Focus: The "Seven Towns"

Thanks to the staff at the Stoke Paranormal Sociey, here is the story of the "seven towns" that joined together to form Stoke-on-Trent in 1910.

Burslem

*Burslem is located in the north west of the city.

*The name comes from the German verb 'boslen', which means 'to sweat'.

*Burslem was originally called Boslem, and still is by some locals.

*Burslem is the largest town in Stoke, but not the best.

*Burslem is the home town of 15 time darts world champion "Fingers" Phil Taylor.

*Burslem is a paragon of multiculturalism, with a considerable Asian population living side-by-side with BNP supporters.

*Burslem's School of Art is renowned throughout Britain.

*Vauxhall Conference association football team Port Vale are based in Burslem. Founded in 1876 as "Boslem Scamps FC", the team changed its name in 1974 during Stoke's bid for independence from the UK. They are still nicknamed "The Scamps" to this day.

*Burslem is home to Lake Burslem, world famous for its resident monster called "Bursie".

*Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Fegg Hayes

*Fegg Hayes is located in the north of Stoke, next to the Knypersley mountain range.
*The name Fegg Hayes comes from the greek 'Fides Hades', meaning 'Faith in Hades'. Hades is the Greek god of the underworld.
*Fegg Hayes is the home of the world famous Fegg Hayes Yeti.

*Fegg Hayes looks different from much of Stoke because of its unique history. From 1386 to 1797, Fegg Hayes was ruled by Viennese nobility. As such, much of Fegg Hayes reflects the era when it was part of the Republic of Vienna, its streets full of romanesque and baroque architecture.

*Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Fenton

*Fenton is located just south of the city centre (Hanley and Stoke-upon-Trent).

*Fenton, from the Chinese 'feng tun', means 'bitch slap'.

*Fenton has been called "the place Longton wishes it was".

*During WWI, Fenton declared itself a tax haven hoping to attract rich war-evaders.

*Fenton is named after former footballer Graham Fenton who once had a successful loan spell with Stoke City FC.

*Fenton is home to Fenton Magistrates Court. Local judges are notoriously strict, often handing out sentences such as "hard labour", chain gangs and 100+ year prison terms.

*Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Hanley

*Hanley is located bang in the middle of Stoke and is perhaps better known as Stoke's city centre.
*Hanley comes from the latin 'han lay', which means 'hen party'.

*Coal mining was important in Hanley until Margaret Thatcher closed down all the mines in the 1980s, calling them an "eyesore" on the beautiful Stoke landscape.

*Hanley is home to Stoke's biggest building, the Potteries Shopping Centre. It contains many of this Britain's biggest high street names including Sock Shop and Tie Rack!

*Hanley is also home to one of Stoke's biggest cathedrals, Hanley Cathedral, which is built on the site of an ancient stargate. It is currently being refurbished after being partly destroyed by a fire caused by a faulty lava lamp.

*Hanley has different districts, known as quarters. There is the commercial quarter, the cultural quarter, the French quarter, the red light quarter and the thieves' quarter.
*Central Forest Park (aka: Needle Park) is located in Hanley. That's where you're most likely to find Bigfoot in Stoke! Or a drug dealer.

*Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Longton

*Longton is located in the south of Stoke.

*The name Longton comes from the Chinese 'long tun', meaning 'arse slap'.

*Longton is affectionately referred to as the "arse end of Stoke".

*Longton is home to a wide range of shops such as Tesco Extra, Sainsbury’s and Lidl.
*Portugal is Longton's oldest ally. The Longton-Portugal Treaty signed in 1373 is still in force.
*Vicious gang warfare between gangs from south Longton (southside) and north Longton(westside) have raged on the mean streets of Longton for years.

*Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Stoke-upon-Trent

*Stoke-upon-Trent is located in the centre of Stoke-on-Trent! Confused? You will be!
*Stoke derives from the Latin word 'stoc', meaning 'barn fight'.
*Many locals want the town renamed to avoid confusion between Stoke-upon-Trent and Stoke-on-Trent. "Old Stoke", "Ye Olde Stoc" and "Barn Fight-upon-Trent" are popular choices for new names amongst residents.
*Stoke-upon-Trent is home to the Council of Elders, Stoke City Council and Staffordshire University.
*Stoke-upon-Trent was officially at war with Russia for 110 years. At the outbreak of the Crimean War, Britain declared war on Russia in the name of Britain, Ireland, Stoke-upon-Trent and all British Dominions. But when the war ended in 1856, the Paris Peace Treaty omitted Stoke. So Stoke was technically at war with Russia until 1966 when a Soviet official, made aware of the situation, visited the town to declare peace!

*Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Tunstall

*Tunstall is located in Stoke's north-west, above Burslem.
*Tunstall comes from the Chinese 'tun sall', meaning 'slap my thigh'.
*Tunstall is home to Stoke's Chinatown area. The first Chinese settlers arrived here in 1065.

*Historians have discovered that locals were using iron ore found in the area to manufacture weapons from as early as the 13^th century.
*Britain's first holiday camp was Tunstall's Fascist Family Camp which opened in 1905. Alcohol was strictly banned (though opiates were allowed) and any holiday maker caught talking after 10pm was spanked.

*Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.