Stoke To London: "We Don't Want Your Cockney Rejects"

Anger errupted like a volcano across Stoke today with news that the city of London is trying to house its unwanted citizens in Stoke!

http://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/plans-to-house-londons-poor-in-stoke-attacked-as-social-cleansing-7676065.html

"This is ridiculous," said proud Stokie Doris Ahmed, 99. "It's another example of the attempted cockneyfication of Britain. We don't want any filthy cockneys up here, they can stick to their own end."

The Cobridge Tourist Board's Dave Murray agrees. "What part of the north-south divide don't soft southerners understand? We don't like you. Stay down there. We're happy in the 'grim north'. Send them to France. They're soft, racist, stuck in the past, and think that  they're the best at everything, just like cockneys. They'd fit right in there."

Mayor of London, Boris Johnson

Local celebrity medium Crystal O'Future has taken a more cautious approach to the news. "If BoJo [Boris Johnson] and DadCam [David Cameron] want us to take their trash, what's in it for us? Ever since Thatcher, the Tories have systematically destroyed Stoke's business centres with their economic policies towards mining and the manufacturing industry. Now they want us to help them out? Johnson and Cameron can go *uck themselves right up their own *ucking b*ll*cks, the *other*uckers!"

Ken Barlow: I Went With 1,000 Stoke Women

The front page story of today's Daily Oatcake is the revelation that actor Ken Barlow from 'Coronation Street' has had sex with over 1,000 women from Stoke!

In a frank interview, Barlow, who appeared in the first episode of the show in 1960, said: "I didn’t have any control over my sex drive." He also says he was nicknamed "Poontang Barlow" by some of his castmates because of his insatiable appetite.

Insert "dogs" joke here

He said that the women he has "had a go on"  include Stoke celebrity medium Crystal O'Future, with whom he had a one-night stand.  "It was just a one-off," Barlow said. "She invited me round to her flat in Norton and we had a few drinks, then one thing led to another. At that time, she had a reputation, and she felt we should meet, as it were. It just happened."

Unbelievably, Barlow said his womanising left him feeling empty and depressed. "I regret it deeply," he said.

Micky Adams To Be Next England Manager?

Football fans in Stoke have called for Port Vale boss Micky Adams to be installed as the new England manager following the resignation of Fabio Capello. Adams, 50, has yet to rule himself out of the running for the job.

A YouGov poll conducted for Stoke City Council revealed that 42% of people in the city want Adams as the next boss, with Harry Redknapp well behind in second with 25% of the vote. Fabio Capello came third with 17%. Local newspaper The Daily Oatcake added to the calls by running the front page headline "Stoke Wants Micky Adams" this morning.

Micky Adams: England's next manager?

Noted medium Crystal O'Future has contacted Sir Stanley Matthews, who has given his backing to Adams. "Sir Stan said to me: 'He's English, he knows his association football and he is doing a great job with  the Vale.'"

Bookmakers have not yet listed Adams in the running for the job, perhaps suggesting he is nailed on for the role.

Port Vale fans are divided on losing Adams to England. Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board tweeted: "Gutted Capello has quit, good guy and top coach. Got to be English to replace him, Micky Adams for me." Dave Munton wants to keep Adams at Vale Park. He said on Twitter: "Fck off FA you southern bstrds, Adams to stay a valiant 4eva #adams4vale."