2016 Review: May

A giant oil tanker travelling north on the River Trent collided with a booze cruiser, spilling 250 million gallons of oil into the river, causing massive ecological damage to the city, killing literally thousands of birds and fish, and ruining the river's beaches. Faced with a choice between trying to contain the spill or burning off the oil, Stoke City Council chose the latter, starting a fire that still burns to this day, polluting Stoke's air, but whose light has also led to a reduction in street lighting costs for much of the city.

2014 Review: May

The football season finished with Stoke City in a respectable 9th place and Fegg Hayes Vikings as champions. Port Vale went out in the early rounds but could still make the InterToto cup if other teams are kicked out for cheating.

Hurricane Leeanne swept up the River Trent, causing tidal waves which destroyed many of the new beachfront properties built at tax payers expense just days earlier, none of which had planning permission, been insured or sold.

2014 Review: April

A plague of scorpions hit the city, killing indiscriminately as they seized control of some of our most vital and strategically located towns. The scorpions were eventually bested when the Great Fire of Stoke swept through the city finishing off the stinging monsters, and much of the city's surviving human population.

The city council's plan to build beaches along all of both sides of the River Trent was finally completed, 60 years after the project was started.

2012 Review: June

Stoke was hit by a massive tsunami that swept up the River Trent in early June, leading to the deaths of over half of the city's population.

Global warming has been blamed for the incident, though not everyone agrees. "Global warming is the biggest load of shit ever," said EYE ON STOKE columnist, and parking attendant, Dick Mellor. "There's no evidence for it whatsoever. This was an act of God, punishing the deviant community of Stoke for their perverted ways. You know who I'm talking about."

The River Trent bursts it banks

Later in the month, Fred "Convict" Hallpass was released from prison after serving 76 years on death row at HMP Werrington for crimes he didn't commit. Staffordshire Police had beat a confession from him for multiple murders when he was just 7 years old.

"We still believe that 'Convict Fred' is guilty," said police spokesman Barry Shanks. "Getting confessions in this way is a tried-and-trusted method used by police forces all over the world, and for good reason: It works."

Upon release, Fred was re-arrested on suspicion of committing 73 unsolved murders that have taken place since he was originally imprisoned.

Africans Search for the "Source of the Trent"

A party of explorers from North Africa has set out on a journey to Stoke to search for the fabled source of the River Trent.

Known as the "cradle of Stoke's civilisation", many expeditions from all over the world have tried and failed to find the river's source, thought to be near to Knypersley, in northern Stoke.

"We've studied the local myths and legends, and we think it is located near to Knypersley reservoir," says expedition leader Kolo Turtles. "We will bring much provisions and use local slaves on the quest. We will present gifts to local tribe leaders to get approval and help."

Stoke City Council will support the quest by presenting local women to the African men for their entertainment.