Crouchy's Autobiography To Be Preserved Forever

The Stoke Book Registry has announced that its 2017 selection is Peter Crouch's autobiography, 'Walking Tall: My Story'.

Every year, one important work of literature is selected to be preserved forever in the Library of Stoke.

"This is a massive honour for Crouchy," commented Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed, 105. "But well deserved. The book is a masterpiece, a journey into greatness, a tour de force of humanity AND humility, an experience so vivid one will feel like they are walking in Crouchy's shoes and seeing the world through his eyes."

The book follows the 2016 selection, 'A La Recherche du Temps Perdu' by Marcel Proust, and 2015's 'The Trial' by Franz Kafka.

Stokestarter

A Stoke City fan has set up a kickstarter fund to raise money to create transfer rumours linking Shaun Wright-Phillips with a move to the Pottermusses.

"This is the first transfer window for 6 years where SWP hasn't been linked to Stoke," Terry Wendy writes on the page. "Help me rectify this by giving me enough money to be able to quit my job as a solicitor so that I can focus my time entirely on creating rumours of him joining Stoke this summer."

The fund has so far raised £95,000 of the £125,000 target goal, with 7 more days to go. Stretch goals at £150,000 include a rap song about the diminutive winger and a mock up poster of him tying up Marko Arnautovic's topknot to all backers.

Wright-Phillips currently plays for New York Red Bulls in the USA of A, where he averages a goal every 19 games.

Crouchy Hopeful Of England Recall

With the appointment of Sam "Big Sam Allardyce" Allardyce as the new England manager, insiders say that Stoke City legend Peter Crouch is hopeful of a recall to the national side.

"Big Sam likes to play aerial football," local football writer Dave Stevens explained. "As Crouchy is the proverbial head-on-a-stick, he would be perfectly suited to the style of play."

"Crouchy was outstanding last season," a member of Crouch's dance crew told EYE ON STOKE. "The stats of 2 goals in 18 games don't tell the whole story. He brought glamour to the Stoke dressing room, busted some new dance moves and inspired a generation, things few other players can boast."

Crouch last played for England in 2010, the year Leslie Nielsen died.

Skipper Grateful To The Boss

Stoke City soccer star Terry Skipper has opened up about his recent off-field problems.

In an emotional interview, that drove most who witnessed it to TEARS, Skipper said: "I won't go on about the specifics of my problems, literally everyone knows what they were, I don't need to go on about them anymore."

"I was at my lowest ebb," he continued. "Even lower than that time that video came out of me roasting those ladyboys with my posse while racially abusing them. Or the time I chucked some rotten eggs at a group of spastics. This was worse, but as I said, I don't want to keep going on about it, no-one wants to hear anymore about it."

"I went over to New Jersey and spent some time with 'the boss', Bruce Springsteen. He really helped me get myself together and move forward."

Kuntz Torn, But Happy

Gunther Kuntz

Stoke City 0-1 West Brom Baggies

The world's number one Tony Pulis lookalike, Gunther Kuntz, has declared himself happy with the result of yesterday's game at The Brit, but is sad for Stoke.

"I was Stoke fan for much years, so ja, I see both sides of the pastry on this one," Gunther said at the post-match press conference. "I am most happy for Tony. He deserve the luck."

Pulis's job was made much easier when Stoke had two players sent off in the first half, both of whom were foreigners.

"I was touched by the reaction Tony got from the Stoke fans before the game," Gunther added, referring to the standing ovation for the former Stoke and current Baggies manager. "Tony milked those teets for all of the love, I think it made the Stoke fans and players lose an edge or two, helping the Baggies win."

Swiss Day Ends In Disaster

Stoke's much vaunted Swiss day, held yesterday to welcome soccer star Xherdan Shaqiri to the city, ended in bloodshed when Stoke was invaded by warriors from Naples seeking revenge for their defeat by the Swiss in the War of the Seventh Coalition of 1815.

The day started as planned with Primark hosting a giant fondue party and triangles of Toblerone being given out in the city centre. This soon turned to bloodshed however when a Neapolitan tank rolled into the city centre and fired at revellers, killing dozens of people in tracksuits.

A platoon of soldiers followed the tank and laid waste to members of the public. Fortunately, a group of football hooligans, banned from following Stoke City to away matches, manned up and fought the Italian invaders.

The fighting was fierce but the Stokies eventually defeated the Neapolitans, sending them back to Italy with their tails firmly between their legs, where they belong.

Stoke To Go Swiss For The Day

Stoke City Council has announced that the city will "go Swiss" for the day this Saturday to celebrate the arrival of Swiss footballer Xherdan Shaqiri to the club.

"Xherdy is a top, top lad," city councillor Jinky Watkins said. "It's fitting to welcome him to the city by sharing his Swiss heritage with the rest of the plebs who live here."

The celebration is being timed to coincide with Shaqiri's debut for the club away to Norwich City.

"Even though Stoke are away from home this Saturday, Stokies will get to do traditional Swiss things like eating fondue and drinking absinthe. Stoke will also go neutral for the day and not go to war with anyone," Cllr Watkins added. "We will also have a massive welcome card for Xherdy propped up against the Stanley Matthews statue in Hanley for people to sign."

Transfer Gossip

Stoke City haven't been linked with Shaun Wright-Phillips this summer, something that soccerball fans are not happy about.

"It's become a tradition for us to be linked with the diminutive winger then not sign him," Stoke fan Gary Hammers said. "I don't know why it's not happening. He's out of contract, it would be easier than ever to link us to him, I don't know why no newspapers have made it up yet."

Former Stoke gaffer Tony Pulis, now manager of West Boing Baggies Brom, is a long term admirer of former Chelsea striker Didier Drogba, carrying a picture of the Ivorian in his wallet at all times. Drogba has been spotted in a chip shop in West Bromwich, fuelling rumours TP could finally get his man.

Port Vale are looking to shore up their canteen this summer and have been linked with an audacious move for Stanley Matthews Academy dinnerlady Phyllis Funk. "Phyllis serves an excellent mashed potato, something the Scamps are looking to bring to the club." A transfer fee of £500,000 is rumoured.

Wayne Biggins Winners

The monthly winners of the official Wayne Biggins drawing competition have been announced, and here they are.

"Hot Tub Tit Machine" by Mick Fadden

In first place is "Hot Tub Tit Machine" by Mick Fadden from Stockton Brook. He wins a signed picture of the man himself, a white Vauxhall Nova and entrance to the yearly champion of champions competition.

"Britannia Waynium" by Scott Barker

Second place is Scott Barker, with his picture "Britannia Waynium". Scott wins a year's supply of pikelets, courtesy of Munton's Pikelets.

"Portrait Of The Biggins As A Young Man" by Bev Collies

Third place is "Portrait Of The Biggins As A Young Man" by Bev Collies. Bev wins a date with a leading Wayne lookalike, after which she will be expected to put out.

"LL Cool Wayne" by Chris Beastall

In fourth place is "LL Cool Wayne" by Chris Beastall, aged 37. He wins nothing.

Cockneys Anger At Stoke Fans

Angry West Ham football fans have bombarded internet message boards with angry messages following last weekend's 1-1 draw with Stoke City.

The cockneys are angry that Stoke fans sang songs claiming sexual relations between cockney legend Saint Bobby Moore and famous pervert Sir Jimmy Savile.

"You're out of order, you slags," one cockney, Terry Nigels wrote.

"Fack right awf, you mugs," another cockney, Terry Punchcock, added.

"Apples 'n' pears, apples 'n' pears," Terry Pigmounter added. "Guv'nor. Cam to my gaff again spoutin' this bollocks and I'll cut yar facking nuts off, yer muppets."

Stoker AM

Stoke City fans prepared for their inevitable victory over Chelsea FC today by invading the TV studios of 'Soccer AM' on Sky Sports.

Wearing Stoke's traditional red and white stripe shirts, representing the club's beginnings as a hairdressers before becoming a football club, the lads from Stoke joined celebrity guests John Leguizamo, Mario Melchiot and some Man City fans or other no-one cares about.

One of the lucky fans even got to have eggs cracked over his head by Mario and John, every pervert's dream.

2014 Review: May

The football season finished with Stoke City in a respectable 9th place and Fegg Hayes Vikings as champions. Port Vale went out in the early rounds but could still make the InterToto cup if other teams are kicked out for cheating.

Hurricane Leeanne swept up the River Trent, causing tidal waves which destroyed many of the new beachfront properties built at tax payers expense just days earlier, none of which had planning permission, been insured or sold.

City Council Approves Name Changes

Stoke City Council has approved a bunch of name changes for many roads and places in the city.

Sir Jimmy Savile Road, in Boothen, will be renamed Angry Pulis Avenue, and Jimmy Savile Street in Tunstall will now be known as Ted Hankey Street. The Sir Jimmy Savile Memorial Garden in Etruria will keep its name until a suitable local celebrity dies.

Stuart Hall Street in Burslem is to be known as Wayne Biggins Street, and Max Clifford View in Trentham is to be renamed as Peter Crouch End. Dr Fox Road in Bentilee has temporarily been renamed Foxy Bingo Road pending the outcome of police enquiries. Rolf Harris Road in Shelton is now Brian Blessed Road.

The city council has confirmed that it has no plans though to change the names of Cliff Richard Road, Sir Cliff Street, Sir Cliff Richard Avenue, Bachelor Boy Botanical Gardens, Devil Woman Street, Living Doll Road or Sir Cliff Cliff. "Innocent until proven guilty," council spokesman Jinky Watkins explains. "And we all know Sir Cliff didn't do it. We can rest easy on this one."

Pottermusses Beat Human Rights Abusers, World Rejoices

Stoke City fans have been celebrating over the weekend after beating Premier League champions Manchester City 1-0 away from home.

New signing Mame Biram Diouf scored the winning goal at the end of a 70 yard run making the Mancs, known as "Citeh" or "the human rights abusers", look stupid in the process.

"I fucking hate Citeh," Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed said. "To figuratively go to their gaff, pull their pants down and tickle their balls right in front of their ugly, slack-jawed fans is one of the great joys of life. We were literally 'mad for it'. Our kid. Etc."

Pulis Hates Cockneys

Stoke City management legend Tony Pulis has stunned the football world by leaving Crystal Palace after only ten months as their gaffer.

"Even though I'm a Scamps [Port Vale] fan, I love and admire Pulis," Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board said. "Though no reason has been given, I think we all know why; it's because TP has grown to hate London and its filthy Cockney inhabitants."

"London is a viper's nest full of tricksters, thieves and whores," Stoke City season ticket holder Doris Ahmed added. "And that's just the nice ones. I'm amazed Tony lasted this long to be honest. I'd have gone on a killing spree after ten months in that shithole."

Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz has been contacted for his reaction but is too shocked to speak.

In Profile: Bojan

Stoke City's big signing of the Summer has been forward Bojan, but how much do we know about the diminutive Spaniard? Let's take a look.

Full Name: Bojangles Barry Krkic

Born: 28 August 1990, Linyola (Spain)

Former Clubs: Barcelona, Roma, AC Milan (loan), Ajax (loan)

Career Games: 280

Career Goals: 66

Favourite TV: Foyle's War

Favourite Film: Weekend At Bernie's

Favourite Album: Phil Collins - "...Hits"

Favourite Kardashian: Khloe

Party Trick: Can fit his entire fist in his mouth

Big Mama's House

Everyone loves Stoke City legend Mamady "Big Mama" Sidibe, and with good reason. Well, now we can all show our love for him in more ways than waving from the touchline and singing obscene songs on a Saturday afternoon as the star has opened his own patisserie called 'Melice' in the Potteries Shopping Centre, just along from the Yankee Candle shop.

On offer are authentic French baked goods and traditional soft drinks such as Tizer. Stoke City manager Mark Hughes and current players attended the grand opening, making it the most star-studded event of the summer.

Biggins Takes Over Tumblr

Stoke City football legend Wayne Biggins has had his fair share of fan clubs and fanzines in his time, but now, he is set to conquer a whole new territory: Tumblr!

http://waynebiggins.tumblr.com

A new Tumblr page dedicated to "the original white Pele" has been set up called The Legend of Wayne Biggins, which you can access via the link above. It has proved a sensation with fans old and new and is fast becoming the go-to site for Wayne fans.

Praise For Pulis

Gunther Kuntz

World leading Tony Pulis lookalike Gunther Kuntz has praised the former Stoke manager for keeping new club Crystal Palace in the Premier League after looking certain for relegation before he took over.

"Tony has done good, ja," Gunther wrote in his official blog. "He prove himself the man, the main man of this league."

Gunther also awarded Tony his award for manager of the year for a sixth straight season.

"Fully deserved is this award for Tony," Gunther added. "He will have to work hard to win it again, but I believe in Tony."

Stoke Name Player Of The Year

Terry Skipper has been named the player of the year for Stoke City after a season that saw the Pottermusses amass a record points total in the Premier League.

"The lads have done good this season, you know," Skipper said after today's game against West Brom. "I really think, you know, we can go even more better next season, you know."

"The award if fully deserved," season ticket holder Doris Ahmed said about the inside left half who can also fill in as goalkeeper or manager. "The boy done good. Hopefully it won't go to his head and he starts roasting local glamour models with his mates or releasing rap singles or something."