Stoke Elects A Badger As Mayor

Following the death of city mayor Lemmy Longclaw last month, Stoke moved quickly to elect a new one - and voted in a badger!

Of course, this is Stoke, and as such, it isn't as ridiculous as it may seem as Stoke has had a badger for mayor since 1974, and the role is largely ceremonial with no real power attached.

The tradition comes from Stoke's war of independence when the city declared itself a republic and tried to break free from the UK. At the end of the war, when British tanks broke through Stoke's defences and pushed into Hanley, marking Stoke's defeat and the war's end, a lone badger stood in defiance of the British army, staring down the enemy and refusing to budge.

That badger, Lil Jimmy, was found guilty of treason and sent to Gibraltar to live in exile, but his stand became legendary and led to the city creating the role of mayor purely to vote a badger into office to honour his memory.

Stoke newest mayor is called Truffles and will start his new role tomorrow.

Port Vale News

Port Vale have announced ambitious to attract more female fans to games at a press conference at Mothercare in Hanley today.

"We are living in the 20th Century now and women are an important part of Stoke and the world," club director Wayne Bungle announced. "They have their own money and free time nowadays so why not come to Vale Park and cheer the Scamps on?"

The club carried out a survey amongst its male season ticket holders to see what women like and would attract them to games.

"The results were clear: women like knitting, wine and dancing," Bungle continued. "As such, we will be opening a knitting section in the Sentinel Stand, employing male dancers in all four stands and opening our own vineyard in Burslem to produce Port Vale branded wine."

Following a standing ovation, and a little dance, Bungle finished the conference. "With this, Vale has shown itself to be the most forward-thinking club in the country. Onwards and upwards!"

2016 Review: August

To combat the city centre "cabbagey" smell, Stoke City Council placed a giant 'Sweet Strawberry' Yankee candle in Hanley. The plan started successfully enough until strong winds got up one Saturday night, spreading the fire to nearby buildings, including several pubs and bars, where the alcohol and drugs accelerated the fire. Within hours, the flames engulfed Hanley, killing thousands. The intoxicating fumes of strawberry, beer and cocaine drew many other locals into the fire, eventually burning most of the city centre and its residents to a crisp. The fire was eventually extinguished by gypsies.

2016 Review: March

All hell broke loose in Hanley when a tiger with an assault rifle taped to its back called Terry was accidentally released by carnies passing through the city. Twenty confirmed kills later and the tiger was eventually cornered while eating sausage rolls at Greggs (the one by the Stanley Matthews statue, not the one near the Ryman stationery store). Terry had the assault rifle taken from it and was adopted by an elderly couple in Milton.

An impromptu party broke out in the middle of the M6 motorway after a lorry carrying disco balls tipped onto its side, spilling its cargo. Revellers partied until dawn, fuelled by anger against the current Tory government, and drugs passed around by a passing kind spirit.

Last Chance To Steal From BHS

Stokies have been warned that with the city's branch of BHS to close soon, there won't be many more chances to shoplift from the store.

"I first stole from BHS in the 1930s," Stoke centenarian Frank Jobs remembers. "I had no interest in stealing from anywhere else, it's like a tradition round here."

Such is the widespread nature of stealing from the store, stealing something or getting it for free in the city has become known as "paying the BHS price".

"Maybe everyone just stealing stuff from BHS instead of paying for it is why they're going out of business," retail expert Rebecca Gingle said. "Just putting the idea out there."

Peter Of Packmoor

Peter Of Packmoor was a significant translator of books in Stoke in the eleventh century.

Translating books from Latin into pictures, he made literature popular and accessible for the common man, and was hailed a hero of his time.

Also known as Peter The Perv, most of the books he translated were graphic in nature, or had extra graphic materials added to his translated version. His version of the bible is largely sexual in nature.

He is remembered in Stoke in a statue tribute, currently residing in the cellar of Hanley Cathedral, though it once sat proudly in the city centre, right about where the Sir Stanley Matthews statue is now.

Springtime For JCVD And Stoke

The Stoke Film Club has laid out its programme for spring, which include a Jean-Claude Van Damme retrospective and various events to celebrate the career of the action movie star, known as the "muscles from Belgium".

As well as screenings of JCVD classics, events will be held to coincide with films. Plans include a tramp hunting contest for 'Hard Target' and face kicking contests for all of his other films.

"Every year, our line up gets better and better," club secretary Jenny Cockshoot says. "We have fast become this Britain's most dynamic film club. Long may it continue."

The first film of the season, 'Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning', will be projected onto the side of the BT building in Hanley.

Royal Bank Of Stoke Tax Evasion

One of Stoke's biggest banks, the Royal Bank of Stoke, has admitted using HSBC’s Swiss accounts as a way of avoiding tax.

"A few years ago, we announced pre-tax profits of £100 billion, with post-tax profits being exactly the same number. Nobody said anything at the time or thought anything off about that so we carried on doing it," the bank said in a statement published in the classified section of the Sentinel.

The bank, which has the royal seal of approval from the monarchy of Uzbekistan, has promised to start paying some tax once it gets its accounts in order.

"Most of our accountants now live in Switzerland, so communicating with them is a problem," Hanley branch manager Tek Grimley explained. "When they're back over here visiting though, we'll set them to work right away on setting up the tax stuff."

Stoke Illuminations Turned On

The annual switching on of the world famous Stoke Illuminations took place last night in Hanley in front of astonished onlookers and well wishers.

Special celebrity guest Paul Danan did the honours shouting "Light me up, motherfuckers!" as he pressed the switch.

Hanley's War Memorial

The night took a turn for the worse when the event was invaded by middle eastern terrorists, who killed random members of the public and took hostages.

Fortunately, a group of pensioners took matters into their own hands, beating up the terrorists with hammers and burning their dead bodies.

Spudulike Scandal

Potato rights groups are protesting about how the vegetables are treated by the fast food outlet Spudulike in the Potteries Centre.

"They're killing them purely for profit, it's ridiculous and has to stop," activist Pippa Pronto said. "If we treated humans like this, we wouldn't tolerate it, so why is it acceptable for potatoes? They're living beings too."

"They're farming lots of them in small spaces, it's totally inhumane," Barnaby Pfunk added. "No-one should be forced to live like that. And they top it off by killing them by cooking them alive in a microwave. It's an outrage!"

Spudulike has so far refused to comment.

Big Mama's House

Everyone loves Stoke City legend Mamady "Big Mama" Sidibe, and with good reason. Well, now we can all show our love for him in more ways than waving from the touchline and singing obscene songs on a Saturday afternoon as the star has opened his own patisserie called 'Melice' in the Potteries Shopping Centre, just along from the Yankee Candle shop.

On offer are authentic French baked goods and traditional soft drinks such as Tizer. Stoke City manager Mark Hughes and current players attended the grand opening, making it the most star-studded event of the summer.

Cockney Spotted In Stoke

Stokies have been warned to be on the lookout after reports that a Cockney was spotted in the city centre last night.

"I definitely heard one at The Reginald Mitchell," Mandy Fistsock said. "It was saying stuff like 'guv'nor', 'wassup' and 'lovely jubbly'. It was a horrible abuse of the English language. I just left and never looked back."

"There has been more crime lately than normal," PC Barry Shanks of Staffordshire Police said. "We attributed it to the half term school holidays, but a cockney on the loose would make much more sense. When we finally catch it, we can probably also link it to any unsolved crimes since its been in the area too."

"If you see a cockney, do not approach it," PC Shanks warns. "Call the police and get well away from it."

Stoke Film Club Special Screening

Stoke film Club has announced its summer season line-up and the highlight will be a "film in the park" showing of Danny Dyer classic 'The Business'.

"With Danny's high profile because of 'Eastenders', it's the perfect time to relive some of his definitive performances in some of the definitive British movies of the past few decades," club secretary Jenny Cockshoot explains.

 

The film is a collaboration between three people known by film fans as the holy trinity of British cinema: director Nick Love and actors Danny Dyer and Tamer Hassan.

The film will be shown on giant screens at Central Forest Park in Hanley this Sunday afternoon at 3pm. All ages are welcome to see the film. Admission is £3.

Stoke Poetry Week

Stoke's poet laureate Tracee Cartlidge officially launched this year's Stoke Poetry Week with a poetry slam down at the Reginald Mitchell in Hanley.

Reading from her new book 'Stoke Is Where The Heart Is', Tracee entranced the regulars with poems such as 'Crewe, Twinned With Baghdad', 'Take Off The Eye Patch' and the recent hit, 'Derby: The Redneck State'.

On her way home from the event, Tracee was gunned down in a drive-by shooting which also took the lives of 13 bystanders. Staffordshire Police believe the shooting may have been carried out by a rival poetry gang but aren't treating the death as suspicious just yet.

Pink Floyd's "The Wall" Coming To Stoke

One of music's most iconic projects is finally coming to Stoke, some 35 years after it was originally conceived.

"The Wall", by Southern prog rockers Pink Floyd, will be available on CD later this week, Chip Gresty of HMV in Hanley has confirmed.

"Someone came in last week and ordered a copy of the album," he explained. "We thought we'd order an extra one too in case anyone else wanted one. As soon as the spare copy arrives, it's going straight on the shelf. We've checked our stock histories and it's never been available before in Stoke. This is a game changer for Stoke as a city, culturally."

EYE ON STOKE Rival In Poor Lead Story Shocker

The Stoke Sentinel, one of EYE ON STOKE's minor news rivals in the city, proved the gulf in class between the two publications today with a lead story about a woman using her mother's blue badge to enjoy free parking in the city.

"This is tabloid journalism at its worst," EYE ON STOKE owner, editor and CEO Monty Deschanel said. "We would never stoop so low for a lead story. We'd rather do nothing and have the day off."

EYE ON STOKE is known for its hard-hitting journalism and news insight, and is the site you're on right now, in case you didn't know.

Potteries Museum To Hold Wilkes Exhibition?

Following the success of the recent exhibition about Robbie Williams, rumour has it that the Potteries Museum in Hanley is gearing up to put on a show about Jonathan Wilkes.

"The Robbie Williams show was, for my money, testing the waters ahead of a show about Wilkes," said Wendy Whiggal, secretary of fan club The Wilkes Explosion and columnist in its accompanying monthly magazine. "That's the show the people of Stoke really want and it looks like they're going to get it."

"If a Robbie Williams show gets record numbers, then a Wilkes show would get even more record numbers," Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board added. "We have a permanent display to Wilkes at Cobridge Town Hall and would be happy to help out the museum with their show."

The Potteries Museum has so far stayed tight-lipped about the rumours. "We do not comment on transfer speculation or gossip," museum director Mandy Pickaxe told listeners to Signal Gold'. "We have a chance to show the entire Staffordshire Hoard, or we can do a show about Wilkes. I'm not saying anything."

"I'll take that as a yes," Wendy Whiggal replied. "A load of old buried gold or the diamond of Stoke's entertainment scene. I think we all know which is best."

Nawty Wittle Boy Strikes Again

The scoundrel known as "Naughty Little Boy" has struck again, leaving Stokies wondering where he's been for the last 10 months.

The unknown man, who performs childish stunts while dressed as a baby, hit HMV in Hanley on Friday afternoon. Proceeding to the checkout holding a copy of 'Weekend At Bernie's' on DVD, the man reached down into his nappy and pulled a dummy out of his anus, before saying his trademark catchphrase to staff at the counter: "I been a nawty wittle boy."

Leaving the DVD and the dummy on the counter, the man scarpered away from the store, stopping at Spud-u-Like to steal a baked potato before leaving the Potteries Centre at the Body Shop exit, not to be seen again.

"This guy is a little shit," says Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "I hope he gets Down's Syndrome or something."

2013 Review: Part III

July

North Longton, Stoke's most controversial ward, announced that it had renamed itself as just Longton. "We see this as an act of war," said a South Longton spokesman in response. South Longton retaliated by renaming itself Longton too. "This is an act of war," a (North) Longton spokesman responded. The stand-off continued for the rest of the year.

August

Hanley Library started paying people to rent out books, but denied that it was simply a publicity stunt. "People will be paid when they return the books," explained library spokeswoman Gertrude Clinch. "But they have to do a test first so we can make sure they've read it. This is solely to make people read more."

September

A study by Staffordshire University found that 22.5% of all vending machine space in Stoke is taken up by cans of Irn Bru. "Aye, that sounds about right," Stoke's Chamber of Commerce spokesman Ted Chippington confirmed. "We don't know how or why it's so much, but it works and is what keeps Stoke going so it's best left unexplained."

2013 Review: Part II

April

Stoke’s tallest building has had its alcohol licence revoked and was torn down. The 30,000 foot high building, known as "The Standing Up Oatcake", was constructed at a cost to the taxpayer of £3 billion and was intended to be Hanley's new job centre. Despite the building being destroyed, owners FadCo still plan to appeal the revocation of the alcohol licence.

May

Stokie Benny Evangelista was shocked to discover that his penis had been banned by the EU for being "too bendy". A complaint was registered by his ex-wife Jenny following their divorce and upheld after picture evidence was presented. Facing a choice between having the offending member cut off or leaving the EU, Mr Evangelista decided to move to Thailand where he became a pimp to local hookers. 

June

Local secretary Kerry Harrison became a laughing stock in the city after an epic misspelling in an e-mail to her boss, UKIP city councillor Terry Catnip."I don't know what all the fuzz is about," she wrote in reference to Matt Smith's announcement he will be leaving 'Doctor Who'. The e-mail went viral and ended in the suicide of the bubbly blonde. "Bullying is not big and not clever," said Cllr Catnip, who had accidentally forwarded the e-mail to the whole of the civil service in Britain having added "read what the fuckwit has put now".