Fit American Actress To Marry Sloppy Ginger Brit

Fans of good-looking American actresses are in uproar after it was announced American hottie Meghan Markle is engaged to retired British ginger Harry Windsor.

"This is an outrage," lads mag fan Kenny Tankard said. "Fit birds like this shouldn't be noshing off gingers, it's nonsense, not natural. I blame Ed Sheeran."

"Totty like this should be getting with cokehead actors who need money, pushing them into risque film roles and magazine photo shoots they wouldn't otherwise do," Stokie Gummer Matthews said in a YouTube comment section, gaining 43 more thumbs up than thumbs down.

Punters Fear Post-Brexit Prostitute Price Hike

Punters and Johns from around the city have urged Stoke City Council to ensure a price freeze on sex workers once Britain leaves the EU following last year's Brexit vote.

Dave Holdcroft, president of the Stoke Society of Shaggers [SSS], worries rising inflation and the departure of EU and non-EU citizens from Stoke will lead to a massive price rise for sexual services.

"The price of fanny has already gone up by 10% since June," Dave says. "Foreign fanny is normally cheaper, but when there's none of it about, what the fuck are we gonna do?"

"The fact of the matter is that Stoke slags just don't wanna be pros no more in the way they did in the past," Dave continues. "Local women have gotten lazy. The council needs to regulate and promote the industry, maybe even nationalise it, or Stokalise it, as you might say. This is important."

2016 Review: December

Ancient cave paintings were discovered by students in Packmoor on a school trip, which local historians claim to be over 18,000 years old!

"This is the historical find of the century," Staffordshire University lecturer Quentin Git proclaimed. "These give an insight into ancient humanity that no other similar find in the whole world has ever done. We've yet to decipher everything, like what words like 'dave' or 'shaz' or 'tupac' mean, or why they had a fascination with drawing ejaculating penises, but this changes everything we thought we knew about the world and humanity."

2016 Review: November

After Stoke's ruling Council of Elders announced it would be imposing sanctions against North Korea, supreme Korean leader Kim Jong-un threatened retaliation in the form of nuclear attacks.

Because of this, Stoke resumed its own nuclear weapons programme, carrying out tests in the desert areas to the south of the city. Unfortunately, a missile went astray and hit the nearby town of Stone, destroying the Staffordshire Fire and Rescue Service headquarters, and irradiating the rest of the town. A concrete sarcophagus was quickly erected over Stone, trapping in the radiation and any survivors. This meant that no lives were lost in Stoke.

2016 Review: October

Barry's Comet, a near-parabolic comet that only passes Earth every 1,500 years or so, veered off its normal trajectory and crashed into Endon, destroying the town and most of its puny residents.

Rather than trying to help, Stoke City Council set up a hard border at Stockton Brook to stop survivors from flooding into Stoke. "When Endon chose to be a part of the Staffordshire Moorlands rather than Stoke-on-Trent, it chose to do without our help," city councillor Klam Rainbows explained. "And let's be honest, that comet is foreign and could have monsters or anything on it."

2016 Review: September

Disaster struck on the River Trent when a ship carrying a load of AIDS-infested monkeys crashed into Stoke College, releasing the primates and sending them onto a murderous rampage around the Cauldon campus.

After disposing of most of the students, the monkeys stopped for a wank break, at which time a SWAT team from Hanley police station swooped in to kill them with assault rifles, also taking out any remaining students, "just in case".

2016 Review: August

To combat the city centre "cabbagey" smell, Stoke City Council placed a giant 'Sweet Strawberry' Yankee candle in Hanley. The plan started successfully enough until strong winds got up one Saturday night, spreading the fire to nearby buildings, including several pubs and bars, where the alcohol and drugs accelerated the fire. Within hours, the flames engulfed Hanley, killing thousands. The intoxicating fumes of strawberry, beer and cocaine drew many other locals into the fire, eventually burning most of the city centre and its residents to a crisp. The fire was eventually extinguished by gypsies.

2016 Review: July

As Hurricane Barry swept through Stoke, flattening most houses and people in the western half of the city, the surviving residents of the city were touched by the story of Bobby Kittens, who was pulled out from rubble alive ten days after the disaster.

Convicted paedophile and child sex trafficker Bobby, 63, had survived by eating the flesh of children also trapped in the cellar of his house when the building collapsed on top of them. 'The miracle of Peep Street', as the incident became known, inspired documentaries and novels and earned Bobby the freedom of the city, giving him immunity from prosecution for any future crimes he may commit.

2016 Review: June

An aerial display by B-2 bombers ended in disaster when radio messages from an 8 year old boy on a CB radio led to the planes dropping their payloads over Milton and Norton, levelling the towns to the ground.

The boy, Timmy Tupper, who lives at 23b Flip Street in Middleport with his mum Janet, dad Barry, step-dad Terry and step-mum Leeanne, was playing on his CB radio and accidentally tuned into RAF Trentham's local frequency. After ordering the planes to loop the loop he screamed "Bombs away!" leading to the deaths of over 20,00 people.

Despite asking for clemency at his trial, Judge Ted Barcroft ordered the death penalty for Timmy, leading to protests from locals who wanted a stronger sentence. A charity single 'Let Little Timmy Burn' raced to the top of the charts.

2016 Review: May

A giant oil tanker travelling north on the River Trent collided with a booze cruiser, spilling 250 million gallons of oil into the river, causing massive ecological damage to the city, killing literally thousands of birds and fish, and ruining the river's beaches. Faced with a choice between trying to contain the spill or burning off the oil, Stoke City Council chose the latter, starting a fire that still burns to this day, polluting Stoke's air, but whose light has also led to a reduction in street lighting costs for much of the city.

2016 Review: April

25-year-old call centre worker Nigel "Panda" Wilkins was arrested by police in Shelton after he was discovered to have been kidnapping elderly locals and keeping them in his cellar, making them act out scenes from classic sitcoms for his amusement. His scheme was foiled when burglars broke into his house and discovered the pensioners. The crims were hailed as heroes and Staffordshire Police allowed them to keep anything in the house they could fit into their hands and one swag bag as a reward. Wilkins escaped from custody when police officers forgot to lock his cell at night after playtime and is still on the run.

2016 Review: March

All hell broke loose in Hanley when a tiger with an assault rifle taped to its back called Terry was accidentally released by carnies passing through the city. Twenty confirmed kills later and the tiger was eventually cornered while eating sausage rolls at Greggs (the one by the Stanley Matthews statue, not the one near the Ryman stationery store). Terry had the assault rifle taken from it and was adopted by an elderly couple in Milton.

An impromptu party broke out in the middle of the M6 motorway after a lorry carrying disco balls tipped onto its side, spilling its cargo. Revellers partied until dawn, fuelled by anger against the current Tory government, and drugs passed around by a passing kind spirit.

2016 Review: February

Valentine's Day in Stoke normally means one thing: riots! By angry young men! But this year, the riots never happened, as Stoke was hit by a series of tidal waves that quite literally washed the scum from the streets, and left the city under 30 feet of water. In the aftermath, Stoke reverted to a sea-based pirate culture where only the strongest and most vicious survived.

Elsewhere, a human shit in an adult playground in Fegg Hayes was discovered with the face of Jesus in it. A religious community was formed around the shit, leading to a shanty town being built at the site to house the Christians and their icon. A holy war broke out between the Christians and local heathens, costing the lives of thousands, which only ended when someone accidentally stepped on the shit.

2016 Review: January

2016 got off to an explosive start when a series of bombs were exploded by terrorist group ISIS during Stoke's new year celebrations. Tens of thousands died during the blasts. Fortunately, Jonathan Wilkes was not one of them; his panto co-stars formed a workable human shield protecting him from the blast.

The subsequent ground assault from ISIS troops swept through the city, until a joint team of paintballers and the Crackley Republican Army kept them at bay, buying troops at RAF Trentham time to load mini nukes into a giant metal robot called Tin Can Terry, which proceeded to blow itself up at the battle site taking out the ISIS group and most of Longton.

Hipsters Issue Beard Warning

The Hipster Council of Stoke (hCs) has advised that beards and tattoos are now too mainstream to be cool and should not be sported by its members.

"Literally every spaz you see has now got a beard and tats, it's time for us to move on," hCs spokesman Zachery Durden said. "And it's ok for me to use the word 'spaz', I'm using it an ironic way that no-one else will even understand for a year or two."

So what is going to be 'in' this coming winter?

"Dungarees, bow ties and lipstick for men," Monsieur Durden said. "We're looking at one or two other things as well. It's about time the centre parting/basin haircut combo had a revival and Clarks Shoes have been naff long enough now to be cool in an ironic way, but we've yet to decide on that definitively."

Fegg Hayes Airfield

Fegg Hayes Airfield is a former wartime US Army Air Forces airfield used during WW2. It is now abandoned and used mainly as a hangout for layabouts, chavs and – occasionally – scroungers.

The airfield is located through the hedge behind the statue of Betty Paige on Humps Road in eastern Fegg Hayes. It was used by passing squadrons from early 1944 until June 1945 as a resupply point and "booty drop zone".

Fegg Hayes Airfield

Despite this, the leaders of what was then known as the Peoples Republic of Stoke declared that no Stokie women actually got pregnant by any of the American guests during the war.

"Aye, I looked after a few of the airmen when I wasn't on the frontline myself," land girl and royal marine Kaylee Hulse, now 98, said. "But their American gametes were much too weak to penetrate our tough working class Stokie ovaries, so they didn't get through thankfully. Everyone was a winner."

Derbyshire Prepares Troops

Cleetus van Rumple, the president of Derbyshire, has refused to comment on reports that the county has been lining troops along its border with Staffordshire.

"They're clearly there," hiker Jenny  Shrimper said. "I was walking near the border and saw like twelve of them. They were looking up at the Sun and drooling like mongs."

"We dang not comment on dem matters of der warfare," President van Rumple told Nato via a comic strip.

"We're not concerned by this in the slightest," Barry Beagles, Stoke's city councillor for war said. "We're armed like bastards. Bring it on."

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For Sale

Bamboo spanking stick

Made locally. Like new, only used a few times on soft surfaces. £55 ono. Tel: 01782 250147 and ask for Terry. Videos of it in use are available for demonstration purposes.

Necklace made of human teeth

Beautifully crafted by a master necklacier. Teeth are African in origin, like mankind itself. Necklace is from Argos. £75. E-mail: barryteethtime@gmail.com for pictures or purchase. Teeth not sold separately.

Gary Glitter CD collection

All of the leader's albums in one velvet-lined cardboard box. CDs are in excellent condition though the box is not tbh. A joy for any music fan. £200 plus postage. Will ship abroad, though not to Syria or Australia on moral grounds. Call Kenny on 01782 633955.

Giant badger egg

Once in a lifetime find, being sold to fund recent drug addiction. Quick sale preferred. £2,500 though will haggle. Tel Jamie on 07903642007. No time wasters PLEASE.

Man Raised By Wolves Decides To Move To Stoke

A man raised in the wild by Wolves has decided to settle down in Stoke.

Burt Cok, who was purchased as a child at an orphan auction by Wolverhampton Wanderers FC, better known as Wolves, explained why. "I'm sick of living in the wilds of Wolverhampton," he said. "I need some civility and class in my life and that is why I've chosen Stoke. Wolverhampton is like the Wild West."

Cok bears no grudges against the Wolves. "To be fair, the Wolves were good to me," he added. "Steve Bull was like an uncle figure to me growing up. Good times."