Average Stoke Life Expectancy Rises Again

More good news for Stokies today as Stoke City Council announced that Stokies are living longer than ever!

"The average life expectancy for people in Stoke is now over 50 for the first time ever," councillor Jinky Watkins said. "If ever there was a time to binge on food, booze, fags and drugs, it is now."

The average Stokie can now expect to live to 50 years and 2 months of age, a one year increase on this time a year ago.

"This is largely down to the fact that the quality of drugs in the city has increased," local GP Dr Flip Mackenzie commented. "Better quality smack equals fewer deaths."

Brexit Fuels 'Stexit' Hopes

Britain's recent vote in favour of leaving the European Union, better known as Brexit, has fuelled hopes in the city that the long held dream of Stoke becoming a completely independent republic could become a reality.

Stoke City Council has so far batted away questions on the subject, while spokesmen for the Council of Elders, Stoke's supreme ruling body, has refused to take questions of any kind since last Christmas.

Stoke previously fought a war of independence in 1974, when it declared itself the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent, no longer a part of England or the UK. Stoke lost.

"The only reason I voted for Brexit so that Stexit might follow," Stokie Doris Ahmed said. "I care no more for them pig-fuckers in London than I do for those snail-munching rear view mirror cowardly fucktards in France, I want rid of all of them."

"I voted for Brexit cuz I hate foreigners," EYE ON STOKE reader Cub Gunns e-mailed.

Jonathan Wilkes's views on Stexit are also unknown at this time.

Stoke To Go Swiss For The Day

Stoke City Council has announced that the city will "go Swiss" for the day this Saturday to celebrate the arrival of Swiss footballer Xherdan Shaqiri to the club.

"Xherdy is a top, top lad," city councillor Jinky Watkins said. "It's fitting to welcome him to the city by sharing his Swiss heritage with the rest of the plebs who live here."

The celebration is being timed to coincide with Shaqiri's debut for the club away to Norwich City.

"Even though Stoke are away from home this Saturday, Stokies will get to do traditional Swiss things like eating fondue and drinking absinthe. Stoke will also go neutral for the day and not go to war with anyone," Cllr Watkins added. "We will also have a massive welcome card for Xherdy propped up against the Stanley Matthews statue in Hanley for people to sign."

Beer Stop

Stoke City Council has confirmed that it plans to build off licences at all of the city's bus stops.

"Most bus stops I drive past are littered with beer cans," city councillor Jinky Watkins explained. "It seems that the city's bus users like their booze, so why not give them an outlet for them right there? Everyone's a winner."

Alcohol counsellor Sam Ronkers is not happy with the idea. "About 60% of Stoke's adults and 25% of kids are already alkies, I can't see this helping."

"This will create jobs and help booze hounds and layabout scroungers get easier access," Cllr Watkins added. "I don't see the problem here, I really don't. No bad can come from this."

Fenton Fenton Born In Fenton

Louise Scratchings got the nod she had hoped for this morning when Stoke's Council of Elders approved her calling her baby Fenton Fenton.

"Fenton's dad, Terry Fenton, would be so proud," she said. "If he had any interest in our child, whose paternity he disputes, or if we were still on speaking terms. I'll send a letter via our legal representatives."

The name had previously been rejected by the city council's naming department, but Scratchings appealed to Stoke's supreme rulers, the Council of Elders, themselves.

"This is an incredibly patriotic thing for Louise to do," a spokesman for the Council's spokesman said. "We feel the good outweighs the bad with this one, and the nipper's unlikely to go on to achieve anything anyway, so we gave it the literal nod."

Supervillain Threatens Revenge

Supervillain Doctor Destructo has threatened to rain death and destruction on Stoke after the city council rejected his plans to build a massive death ray in the city.

"Stoke is not ready for the pain I will inflict on it, muahahahaha," the evil genius said.

"This decision was not made on moral grounds," Councillor Jinky Watkins explained. "What the massive death ray will be used for is neither here-nor-there. What we object to is the culling of the residents and puppy dogs of Bentilee to make space for the weapon's construction. Bentileers are people too. Even if it doesn't always seem that way. They are not Bentilepers."

Doctor Destructo has the right to appeal the decision at a tribunal hearing.

Stoke To Move To Decimal Time

Stoke City Council has reminded Stokies that the city will move to decimal time from tomorrow.

"Now is the time," city councillor for public disobedience Ted Tart said. "The time is now. Literally."

Under the new Stoke calendar, there will 10 hours a day, each hour boasting an impressive 100 minutes. Each minute will last 100 seconds.

Each month will contain 100 days, broken down into 10 weeks of 10 days. The 10 days of the week will now be known as Monday, Twosday, Threesday, Fourday, Fiveday, Sixday, Davejohnsonday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. The weekend will be 3 days: Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

The 10 months that make up the year are to be known as Onuary, Twuly, Thirch, Fourpril, Fivember, Sixuary, Sevuary, August, Ninetember and Tentober.

Stokies are advised to change the settings on all their clocks and watches to the new system.

City Council Approves Name Changes

Stoke City Council has approved a bunch of name changes for many roads and places in the city.

Sir Jimmy Savile Road, in Boothen, will be renamed Angry Pulis Avenue, and Jimmy Savile Street in Tunstall will now be known as Ted Hankey Street. The Sir Jimmy Savile Memorial Garden in Etruria will keep its name until a suitable local celebrity dies.

Stuart Hall Street in Burslem is to be known as Wayne Biggins Street, and Max Clifford View in Trentham is to be renamed as Peter Crouch End. Dr Fox Road in Bentilee has temporarily been renamed Foxy Bingo Road pending the outcome of police enquiries. Rolf Harris Road in Shelton is now Brian Blessed Road.

The city council has confirmed that it has no plans though to change the names of Cliff Richard Road, Sir Cliff Street, Sir Cliff Richard Avenue, Bachelor Boy Botanical Gardens, Devil Woman Street, Living Doll Road or Sir Cliff Cliff. "Innocent until proven guilty," council spokesman Jinky Watkins explains. "And we all know Sir Cliff didn't do it. We can rest easy on this one."

Stoke To Be Fully Concrete By 2020

Stoke City Council has laid down ambitious plans for the city to be completely concreted by the year 2020.

"Concrete is the future," city councillor for the environment Max Sleazely said. "Trees and grass might have been OK when Robin Hood was roaming around Stoke but the world has moved on and so shall we. No bad can possibly come from this."

How Stoke will look in 2020.
Pigeon not to scale.

Project architect Ralph Milne explains further. "I see those movies and games of a dystopian future and I think, 'That's how I want Stoke to look'. That's my vision."

"It won't all be concrete of course," Councillor Sleazely adds. "There will be tarmac too."

Councillor Blames UKIP For Stoke's Bad Weather

Independent City Councillor Kev Scragg has blamed political party UKIP for the recent bad weather that has hit Stoke.

"God said that if you get into bed with twats, then bad stuff will happen," the councillor told City Hall. "This is divine retribution. You've brought this on yourself you stupid bunch of fucktards. I'm going on holiday."

Cllr Scragg later said that Stoke had been beset by bad weather since Stoke got its first UKIP councillor several years ago.

"People voting UKIP is like pissing on the holy book," Cllr Scragg tweeted. "It literally is."

January Transfer Window Gossip

Stoke City

The Pottermusses have been linked with a string of big name signings, including Shaun Wright-Phillips, who has been linked with Stoke for a club record tenth straight transfer window. Now that former guv'nor Tony Pulis has found another job as Crystal Palace manager, Stoke are looking into bringing him back in a non-managerial role which would require him to sit on the bench looking gruff, to annoy the London club and to scare opposition managers.

Fegg Hayes Vikings

The Vikings's mega billionaire owner Bilal Sakander has launched audacious bids of £100 million for Lionel Messi, £125 million for Cristiano Ronaldo and £1 for Frank Lampard. "I expect them all to be accepted," Sakander told shoppers at the Potteries Centre, which he owns.

Port Vale

The Scamps have targeted the PA address system of local rivals Kidsgrove Gumps. "It's ready for the big time," manager Micky Adams was overheard saying. A bid for the corner flags at Leek Town have been turned down but the Scamps are expected to come back with a bigger offer. With planning permission granted by Stoke City Council for the Sentinel Stand to be crazy-paved, Scamps scouts will be searching the lower leagues for suitable crazy paving to take on loan with a view to a permanent transfer.

2013 Review: Part II

April

Stoke’s tallest building has had its alcohol licence revoked and was torn down. The 30,000 foot high building, known as "The Standing Up Oatcake", was constructed at a cost to the taxpayer of £3 billion and was intended to be Hanley's new job centre. Despite the building being destroyed, owners FadCo still plan to appeal the revocation of the alcohol licence.

May

Stokie Benny Evangelista was shocked to discover that his penis had been banned by the EU for being "too bendy". A complaint was registered by his ex-wife Jenny following their divorce and upheld after picture evidence was presented. Facing a choice between having the offending member cut off or leaving the EU, Mr Evangelista decided to move to Thailand where he became a pimp to local hookers. 

June

Local secretary Kerry Harrison became a laughing stock in the city after an epic misspelling in an e-mail to her boss, UKIP city councillor Terry Catnip."I don't know what all the fuzz is about," she wrote in reference to Matt Smith's announcement he will be leaving 'Doctor Who'. The e-mail went viral and ended in the suicide of the bubbly blonde. "Bullying is not big and not clever," said Cllr Catnip, who had accidentally forwarded the e-mail to the whole of the civil service in Britain having added "read what the fuckwit has put now".

2013 Review: Part I

January

Hurricane Terry laid waste to much of Stoke to ruin the New Year celebrations for the 47,000 revellers killed as the storm hit Stoke just past midnight as people were still singing 'Auld Lang Syne'. Rumours that Jonathan Wilkes had died during the celebrations lead to an outpouring of grief not seen in the city since Wayne Biggins announced his retirement from football.

February

Tory councillor Ken Carp took advantage of the fact that he was the only councillor who managed to get to City Hall during the massive snow storms that crippled much of the city in early February by passing a series of laws for his own benefit. These included a city-wide 5pm curfew for people under the age of 35, the abolition of cats, the introduction of hovercraft lanes (to replace cycle lanes) and the banning of books he didn't like. Books that were banned included the Little Miss series ("the Mr Men's retarded, boring sisters"), 'Bonjour Tristesse' by Francoise Sagan ("too French") and all Dan Brown books ("they're shit").

March

Stoke City Council announced plans to build an underwater tunnel direct from Stoke to Kavos. "Most people from Stoke now holiday to Kavos," explained Michelle Barold, city councillor for holidays. "With this tunnel, we can expect people from Kavos to come holiday in Stoke too." The tunnel will cost £30 billion to build and will be funded through city council cutbacks.

Crewe Is Shit, Report Says

A new report published by Stoke City Council has concluded that Crewe is "shit" and that anyone who would want to go there instead of Stoke is "literally bonkers".

"When we set up our new report centre at a cost of millions earlier this year, people thought we were literally bonkers," council spokesman Jinky Watkins said at a press conference to launch the report earlier today. "But quality work like this is proof of our investment, as if it were needed."

Crewe, yesterday

The report takes into account eye witness reports from scores of people who have visited Stoke's neighbour to the west.

"We do not expect Crewe to comment on our discourse," report co-author Benny Wednesday says in his footnotes. "They would have to be able to read to do that, and we all know they can't. Fact."

Women "Pleading The Belly" On The Rise

The number of women in Stoke who "plead the belly" is on the rise according to official figures.

Pleading the belly is when a woman claims pregnancy at a criminal trial, meaning that she can't be prosecuted. The legal loophole was discovered by a cleaner at the house of one of Stoke's Council of Elders, who subsequently went on a crime rampage when she discovered that she herself was pregnant.

The law was originally introduced in pirate times when a popular band of female pirates who operated a frigate on the River Trent were eventually captured. To calm public anger after they were put to death and it was discovered that the women were pregnant, the law was created by the Council of Elders of the time, but it has never been repealed in Stoke.

While the legal department at City Hall work on changing the law, pregnant women are effectively immune from prosecution in Stoke.

"If pregnant women have any criminal cravings, now is the time to satisfy them," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "For the benefit of them and their babies."

It's Official: Stoke Is Better Than London

Stokies are celebrating after a poll announced London as Britain's crappiest town.

http://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2013/oct/05/crap-towns-london-bradford-chipping-norton

Stoke came a respectable tenth in the poll, nine places better than the capital.

"If things go well, we could drop down to the teens next year," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "That's where we belong."

City To Honour The Power

Stoke City Council has confirmed plans to honour darts champion Phil "The Power" Taylor by handing out darts to children and placing dart boards around the city.

"Short of building a statue of the great man, this is as good as it gets," says city councillor Jinky Watkins. "We hope to raise the next generation of champions too."

Enclosed with the darts will be a note asking children not to use them for tom-foolery, crime or stabbing.

Stoke To Host Its Own Hunger Games

Stoke City Council has confirmed that the city is to host its own Hunger Games.

"This is an exciting opportunity for Stoke," says Gerry Hams, city councillor for warfare. "The movie was a worldwide sensation and I don't see why we shouldn't wet our beaks too."

Like in the movie, two youngsters from each of Stoke's towns will be selected to fight to the death in Central Forest Park in Hanley. The winner will get £25,000 and a spot alongside Jonathan Wilkes as a judge on Stoke's Top Talent.

"This is the chance of a lifetime for the winner," adds Cllr Hams. "No bad can come from this."

Council Vote Controversy Shitstorm

Stoke City Council has been heavily criticised after hosting a vote on its website for people to choose the worst religion.

"Just last week, our vote was for Stoke's best bollards," said city councillor Tuft Makepeas. "I didn't see EYE ON STOKE covering that. No, but as soon as we toss out a hot potato like religion, EYE ON STOKE is the first in there to catch it you fuckers."

Here's a selection of votes and comments from the poll:

"It's gotta be the Catholics cus of all of them paedo priests an that" - Jeff, Dresden

"Call me an ignorant racist but it's muslimism all the way 4 me" - Sharon, Cobridge

"They're all as bad as each other, bunch of simpletons who believe in all that shit" - Travis, Trentham

"All the rest of them aside from Christianity" - Mary, Stockton Brook

Council Pulls Drugs Plans

Stoke City Council has dropped plans to make drug dealers sell drugs in plain packaging prompting allegations it had given in to lobbying by local drug lords.

"This is tish and fipsy," says council drugs czar Mackenzie Blazes. "We are simply waiting to see what happens with similar trials in Amsterdam and Bangkok before deciding how we should proceed."

"Think of the children," says family campaigner Mary Stump. "THE CHILDREN!"

Mr Blazes welcomed his own decision on the matter. "I welcome myself and the decision I reached, it is both sensible and magnificent in equal measure."