Stoke’s Oldest Man Called Stoke Dies

Tributes have been pouring in from all over Stoke for the city's oldest man called Stoke - Ted Stoke - who finally succumbed to old age at 43.

"Men like Ted are forged in the grit mines of Brindley Ford, not simply born," said friend and former enemy Jib Muller.

"Men like Ted are forged in the lava mines of Fegg Hayes, not simply born," said enemy and former spit-roasting partner Percy Pigeons.

"Ted never worked a day in his life," said his third from last wife, Sharon Bender. "Nor did he ever give me a penny in child support. But he was a great man."

"This is a sad day for the city," says city council spokesman Gary Coolio. "Ted has proven himself to be one of the best Stokies around and he will be missed."

Stoke will close down tomorrow and observe a day of mourning. All workers in the city are advised to stay at home.

Gas Leak High

A massive gas leak in Brindley Ford has lead to scores of locals getting high and a huge increase in visitors going to the area.

"It's quite funny really," says city health and safety officer Baul Botts. "This is the ultimate legal high in my opinion and I don't blame people for wanting to experience it. That said, with my health and safety hat on, I should probably warn people of the dangers, which I will in due course."

The source of the leak has not been identified yet as Stoke City Council sold of all of its gas masks and safety gear to meet government financial targets, and all officers who have been in the affected area to search for the leak have had to be pulled out due to getting high themselves.

Staffordshire Moorlands DC have offered to help out, but only at a severe price to Stoke's sovereignty.

Cameron Reassures Stokies Over Pasty Supplies

Prime Minister David Cameron sought to reassure Stokies that pasties will not run out after a serious accident involving a woman trying to make her own pasty in her kitchen cast doubt on the government's decision to encourage the stockpiling of pasties.

Sharon Guff, from Brindley Ford, was in a "critical but chirpy" condition in hospital with 40% burns to her tongue after overcooking a pasty because her daughter needed one for her tea.

A local man enjoys a pasty

The accident happened on Thursday night, a day after Francis Maude the Cabinet Office minister, said the proposed pasty makers' strike meant that "making your own pasties is a sensible precaution to take". Some Labour figures blamed Maude personally for the accident and called for his resignation.

Cameron described the kitchen accident as "a desperate incident and a terrible thing" and he said that his heart went out to Guff and her family. Speaking after chairing a meeting of the emergency food committee, he insisted the government and pasty companies were doing all they could to address the shortages that have been caused by panic buying in some areas.

"The pasty companies are working flat out to resupply supermarkets," Cameron said. "It is frustrating, I know, when supermarkets have queues. Everything that can be done is being done, but it will take some time."