Gay Man Beats Straightie

"I can't believe what I saw, everything I've ever believed in is a lie." Those are the words of body builder Jock Toshacks, who witnessed gay dancer Jules Swag beat gym trainer Tob Bunnies in an arm wrestling match at a local championship last night.

"This will send shockwaves through the straight community," cultural commentator and anthropologist Nicholas Scrubber said. "It will probably lead to straight people being labelled as being weak or sissy. Straight kids are likely to get bullied in school because of this. IT'S FINALLY HAPPENING!"

"Maybe this makes me gay now," losing wrestler Tob said after the bout. "I've never done anything gay before. I've done broral obviously, but that doesn't count."

Rugby Fan Admits Error

Tab Brownlee, one of the few rugby fans in Stoke, has admitted the error of his ways and started to like football instead.

"If I'm honest, I said I liked rugby once just to be awkward," the events planner from Stockton Brook said. "It became a thing people associated with me so I just kept up the lie."

Tab has already bought some official Stoke City socks and pants and hopes to attend his first football match this season.

"Living a lie for so long is tiring," Tab admits. "I'm looking forward to relaxing and enjoying sport for a change."

Fighting League Returns

The English Fighting League returns today after its summer break with Stoke hoping to cement its reputation as one of the country's leading teams.

"We're up for the new season, big time," team captain Gavin Cockerill told reporters. "We've got a great new crop of youngsters to replace the dead ones from last year and we're hoping for a European place for next season."

"A city like Stoke deserves to be fighting in Europe," team manager Pete Mycock added. "The fact that we hate foreigners so much makes Europe the perfect place for us."

The fixtures for the English football season have been brought into line with the Fighting League this year after complaints from fans of both sports.

Stoke Wins Commonwealth Games Contract

Athletes from the Republic of Stoke-on-Trent may not be able to compete in the Commonwealth Games because of its declaration of independence from the UK and Commonwealth in 1974, but an entrepreneur from the city has won the contract to be the official gun supplier to the games!

"I've recently come into the possession of several pistols," Simon Gump explained. "The people I was going to sell them to have had to go away for a few years so I was at a loose end. As soon as I saw the Commonwealth Games were coming, I saw my chance."

Simon's guns will be used as starter pistols at the games, currently taking place in Glasgow in Northern England, as well as being back-up guns in the shooting events.

"I also told them I could have gotten hold of steroids for the athletes too but they weren't interested," Simon added. "I think someone else must have got that contract."

Hide-And-Seek Premier League Returns

The Barclays Hide-And-Seek Premier League returns today after its summer break and excitement is running high in the city.

"The new season comes with promise-a-plenty," says South Longton Vikings fan Gib Bros. "We've brought in some big money signings and I'm looking forward to a more expansive style of play this year."

More transfer fees have been spent than ever before as clubs chase domestic and European glory.

The big game of the day will be at Hanley Library where Hanley Hogs take on championship favourites Dresden Dandies. The Dandies have signed some young, exciting, technically gifted French seekers to add to their already strong English hiders. 

Council Wants To See Tennis Courts Used More Often

Stoke City Council is hopeful that the recent success of Britain's Andy Murray in winning the Wimbledon tennis open will lead to an increase of usage of the tennis courts located in the city.

"Right now, the city's courts are mainly used as locations for gangs to hang out and drug dealers to work from," said Jeb Brush, city councillor for sport. "We're hoping that this will inspire the kids to use the courts more often, even if it's just as a place to play football or form street dance crews."