Money Saving Guidance

With cash boffin Ted Gash

With the economy going tits up quicker than a murdered hooker in the Dead Sea, it's important now more than ever to manage your finances and search for bargains. Fortunately, I am here to help.

Ted's Chambers in Hanley is home to Stoke's best barristers and is currently running a "family and lovers" special offer. If you use them for any criminal trial you have before the end of 2018, any relative or spouse who is also up in court within the same time frame will get 50% off their bill. It's always best to plan ahead.

Having sex is fun, so why let a lack of money restrict your possibilities? Condoms are pointless in the 21st Century, so don't bother with them. Either blast your load on your lady's titties or shag women who are unemployed and they can get the pill for free. Job done.

Budget Special

With finance expert Ted Gash

How will the government's 2014 budget effect people in Stoke? Here's a handy guide.

Alcohol

There has been a 1p cut in the duty on beer. This means you will effectively get 1 free beer for every 200 or so you buy. Get drinking! The price of Scottish whisky will remain the same if you fancy something more manly.

Tobacco

The price of tobacco will rise by 2% above inflation. This may mean you want to seek out cheaper alternatives, like making the odd trip to Calais to stock up, or buying cigarettes from non-legal sources, like a guy who steals them from his workplace.

Benefits

Total benefits will be capped and only increase in line with inflation in the near future. This means you should claim as much as you can now to leave you better placed if there's lots more claimants in forthcoming years.

Money Saving Tips

With money mad Ted Gash

Ted's Crazy Paving in Birches Head is offering to crazy pave the back of your terraced house for half price if you get the get the front done. Bargain!

Boots in Hanley is having a special offer: buy one box of condoms, get one free. I personally prefer to ride bareback (unless I'm with a hooker of course!) as I find it cheaper and more pleasurable, but if you're the sort to saddle up, then this offer is for you.

What's that? You had an accident? Guess what - it wasn't your fault! Ted's Lawyers in Birches Head will aggessively pursue legal action against anyone for very reasonable rates. Call them now and tell them who you want to sue.

Money Saving Expertise

With business and finance expert Ted Gash

Ted's Oatcakes in Birches Head are having a buy-one-get-one-free deal on pikelets this coming Tuesday. I'd stock up, buy about twenty or thirty.

It's the weekend and you want your cocaine to go that bit further. Why not cut some aspirin in with it? You can get a tub of 24 tablets for around 30 pence at Wilko's in Hanley and the buzz isn't affected too much.

Loan shark Wonga has been in the news a lot lately. Why not take advantage by taking out a loan with them via their website, blow it all on a holiday with the lads/lasses to Kavos then declare yourself bankrupt? Ted's Lawyers in Birches Head are helping to declare people bankrupt for just £10 a go throughout August.