Brexit Means Fucking Brexit

By Dick Mellor

I wrote in 2013 about how much I want to wipe Britain's shitty arse of the dangling shit glob that was the EU, hanging out of our hairy arsehole, refusing to squeeze out and go down the shitter of history where it belongs.

I also campaigned vigorously during last year's glorious referendum, like a man a quarter of my age, full of vim and vinegar and proud British gametes, wanting to sow my EU-leaving seed into as many people as possible (figuratively speaking of course, I'm a happily married man and accomplished husband, as Mrs Mellor will testify to under oath, and has done on several occasions), making sure once and for all that we leave that stinking cesspool of corruption, eurocrats and foreigners behind us and get back to being the most powerful country in the world where we belong, looking down onto everybody else, spitting into their mouths when they are thirsty, pissing on them when they need a shower, chucking them leftovers when they need sustenance.

So when our supreme leader, our Aphrodite, our grey goddess Theresa May tells those limp-dicked, bent-titted, spunk-for-brains remoaning bastards that "Brexit means Brexit" I stand behind her, snooker ball-in-a-sock in hand, ready to crack some skulls and shit down some throats. End of.

Tax The Stupid

By Dick Mellor

I see that David Cameron is complaining about the cost of the new England football shirt being £90. He's right to complain too, as the pricing is all wrong; but not too high as Dave says, they should cost much more!

I'm sick of seeing fat-bellied, slack-jawed, cock-eyed mongrels wearing leisure wear as they go about their lack of business. We all know who buys football shirts: the scroungers, the chavs, the drug dealers, the kind of people you see walking around in tracky trousers spitting on pavements for no reason. The scum of the Earth, basically.

I would create a special tax just to put on football shirts. I would even call it the "tax on the stupid" because I know that most football fans are too retarded to notice and too lazy to have ever done a hard days work in their life or have paid any tax themselves, other than the tax they pay on fags and booze of course.

*Dick's review of the 2013-2014 tax year is now available for Kindle from Dick Mellor Publishing Corp.

More Reasons To Be Angry

By Dick Mellor

I see that Masterchef host Gregg Wallace has got into trouble for smacking a guy who groped up his bird? What is the world coming to when you can't beat the shit out of someone who tried titting up your woman? I feel like punching something or someone, that's how cooking angry I am about this.

Congratulations to leathery TV talent show judge Simon Cowell on his forthcoming baby. Hopefully, this will put all those gay rumours to bed. The limp-cocked liberal media has been putting this shit out about Cowell for years to undermine one of the Conservative party's biggest supporters. Grrrr, it makes me so angry I could literally explode. Literally.

*Dick's latest essay, 'Armed Warfare For Dummies', is available now from Dick Mellor Publishing Corp.

Invasion Of Pervacy

By Dick Mellor, Not Working Class And Proud

I see that my old friends (and by friends I really mean enemies) at the Guardian are getting their frilly, fair trade knickers in a twist because the American government have been spying on us. Well, boo hoo Mr Guardian, if you've got nothing to hide then it's not a problem. Oh wait, I forgot, all Guardian writers and readers are filthy perverts, desecrating the bodies God gave them as a living totem to His magnificence through the smoking of illegal drugs and depraved sex acts such as pissing on each other for pleasure and anal fisting. If the US Government wants to watch me scour the internet and comment on news stories on the Daily Mail's website or see how much my subscriptions to Cynic Weekly and The Church Times are on my bank statements, then I don't mind one bit, and neither should you. unless you're a pervert, as I described above in moderate detail.

Leave The EU And Go It Alone

By Dick Mellor

I see that UKIP did fairly well at the recent local elections. People say it's because the Tories have gone soft. And why is that? It's because of those gimp-wristed LIMP Dems of course, dragging the Tories down to their lazy, perverse, happy-clappy, dirt-munching level.

I see also that Michael Gove has said that, if it was his choice, the UK would leave those fecund EU types behind and have Britain go it alone, free to roam the world's highways without having an out-of-control, fat, bloated, gropey, hairy uncle saying "Don't do that!" at every turn. In no way has he come out and said this just to appease angry Tony voters who deserted the party for UKIP, he has said this because he is just telling it like it is, and those gimps in the lefty liberal media don't like it.

So Alex "Fergie" Ferguson has decided to call it a day? Please wait while I puke up my eyeballs then shove them right up my arse. Mr Fergie is one the highest donors to the Labour Party; typical lefty gimp, making a fortune for himself while people all over the world are starving. How does he sleep at night? on a bed made of money, no doubt.

"Thatcher Was People's Princess"

By Dick Mellor, Stoke's Biggest Thatcherite

When I first joined Twitter, my first tweet was: "Thatcher would still get it." That's how highly I rated her, that she should be the first person I thought of when addressing the world for the first time on that wretched social network. I soon got banned from Twitter for my "own safety", but that's another issue for another day.

Without doubt, Thatcher was the greatest leader this, or any other, Britain has ever seen. She was the perfect coming together of several other greats from history: the great leadership skills of Winston Churchill, the style and cool of Grace Kelly, the power of Tina Turner, and all the good stuff from Princess Di.

She was a MAJOR source of inspiration for MOST of the great people of today; the great modern politicians like Cameron, Hague, Osborne and Gove; the great modern feminists like the Spice Girls; the great modern businessmen like Peter Stringfellows and Alan Sugars; the great modern thinkers like Jeremy Clarksons and Richard Littlejohns; and, the great modern writers like Jeffrey Archers and Katie Price.

The fact that there were unprecedented public protests throughout her reign as our leader, and now after her death, PROVES how right she was. You can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs; or, to put it another, and some would say better, way: you can't make a country without breaking some plebs.

I rest my case.

Falklands War II

With the second Falklands War about to get the nod, how do Stokies feel about another battle with the Argies? And with a new Argentine Pope adding an interesting religious twist to the war, it's sure to be one of the highlights of the year.

Right-wing EYE ON STOKE columnist, and war enthusiast, Dick Mellor offers his opinion on this whole sorry mess:

"If the Argies don't want any proper 'argy bargy', they should keep their noses out of our shit. We all know what happened last time, they surrendered quicker than a Frenchman in high heels. The filthy Argies have no claim on these islands, either historical, territorial, ethnic or ethical, and know as much, the cheeky bastards. I say let's hit these temperamental latin southerners them with a pre-emptive strike, designed to knock out important information and power relays. Let's show these backwards bitches that we mean business. If they fail to heed the warning, then let's bomb them back to the stone age. They're not far from it anyway in my opinion."

Steve Hyde (real name: Stephane Dudley-Williams) is EYE ON STOKE's newest columnist, signed on a Bosman as he was unattached to any rival publications. He offers his left wing view on the situation:

"We should not give the Falklands back to Argentina. Nor should we keep them. I say: FREE DA PEOPLE! We've kept the Falklanders as slaves for long enough now, it's time to let them go! Either that or give them to Cuba. Hail Castro. Let's fight the capitalist war machine, starting right now with these useless awkward bastards in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Power to the people!"

What's The Beef?

By Dick Mellor, the people's champion.

Why are we all so bothered that our beef supplies have turned out to be largely horse meat? I'll tell you why: because the lefty, lesbi-friends, veggie elite, who want to turn us all into mindless automatons who get our nutrients from "natural" foods and hug trees, have made such a fuss about it. Well I for one won't be giving up meat and will be buying up supplies of the beef lasagne that contains the horse meat, I don't care. Give me a scorpion on a stick, like that lot of commies in the Orient eat, I'll take it, as long as it's classed as meat. Eating meat is natural and it's the only way we can to stand up to this menace.

I also see that our clam-munching friends at the Guardian are trying to put an end to Page 3. I met a Guardian reader once and he was a pervert. If I wanna look at titties, and I do, then I should be allowed to do so. If you don't like looking at titties, then fuck off to commie China, where titties are outlawed.

*This week's column is dedicated to our departing Pope.

2012 Review: June

Stoke was hit by a massive tsunami that swept up the River Trent in early June, leading to the deaths of over half of the city's population.

Global warming has been blamed for the incident, though not everyone agrees. "Global warming is the biggest load of shit ever," said EYE ON STOKE columnist, and parking attendant, Dick Mellor. "There's no evidence for it whatsoever. This was an act of God, punishing the deviant community of Stoke for their perverted ways. You know who I'm talking about."

The River Trent bursts it banks

Later in the month, Fred "Convict" Hallpass was released from prison after serving 76 years on death row at HMP Werrington for crimes he didn't commit. Staffordshire Police had beat a confession from him for multiple murders when he was just 7 years old.

"We still believe that 'Convict Fred' is guilty," said police spokesman Barry Shanks. "Getting confessions in this way is a tried-and-trusted method used by police forces all over the world, and for good reason: It works."

Upon release, Fred was re-arrested on suspicion of committing 73 unsolved murders that have taken place since he was originally imprisoned.

Would You Adam And Adam It?

By Dick Mellor, seeker of truth and justice.

I see that gay marriage is going to be allowed now. Dave Cameron may as well just get down on his knees, go gay and suck off the whole of the loony left right now because that lot won't be happy until we're all gay.

All this gay marriage guff makes me want to boke my brains out though my eye balls. If God had wanted us men to bugger each other, he would have given us blokes a fanny as well as an arse-hole, which is for shitting only in my opinion, and also in the opinion of our Lord. Unless you're a woman, in which case your arse is fair game.

I am literally banging my head against a brick wall over this, and not banging a man over a brick wall.

*Dick's latest book of photography, 'Stoke Nudes: 1976-1986', is available now from Dick Mellor Publishing Corp.

You Couldn't Make It Up

By Dick Mellor, Stoke's leading thinker.

I'm sick of these shaven-headed, loose-trousered, teenage scrotes I see hanging around on our street corners on a daily basis, smoking "blunts" and drinking "voddy" and red bull like it's going out of fashion. It's about time we brought back National Service for these bog-eyed, slack-jawed, free-loading, fuck-brained wastrels who are collecting ASBOs and shitting out kids like it's going out of fashion. Let's get some discipline into these ugly, dick-handed, sparrow-arsed bastards by smacking them about for a year or two under the tutelage of "our brave boys" in the army. That'll wipe the smug, shit-munching grin off those spotty, gash-mouthed, twat-nosed fucktards.

I see that some droopy-titted, lightswitch-nippled, cock-eyed, hippie left-wing council or other in Yorkshire has told a couple of foster parents they can't look after anymore nippers because they're members of UKIP. You couldn't make it up. And if you did, everyone would think you're a right bender. This is what you get when you vote the loony left into power, like I didn't know that already. People in Stoke beware: this could happen here if you keep voting in that lot of commie bastards currently pissing onto our heads from their red ivory towers while laughing like cocks.

*Dick's latest sex manual, 'Sorting Out Your Woman, Good And Proper', is available now for Amazon Kindle, published by Dick Mellor Corp.

Let's Bomb The Lot Of Them

By Dick Mellor, seeker of THE TRUTH.

I see that that lot of wrong-religioned nutters in the Middle East are at it again. Well, I for one think we should bomb the whole lot of them and be done with it. I'll happily press the button. They're both as bad as each other as far as I'm concerned. It's barren land anyway, I don't know why they're so bothered about it. If I learned one thing from the Bible, and I didn't, I learned everything, it's that you should build your house upon a rock, find a good foundation on a solid spot. Don't build your house upon sandy land, it's a waste of time.

I see also that more desperate fame-whores have been shipped off to a jungle in a former (and present?) prison colony for the amusement of onlookers. Normally, this would be a good thing, but not when it invades my TV screen in the form of 'I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here' on ITV1. This lot of perverts should be left out there to rot as far as I'm concerned, or better still, let's drop a bomb on them. I'll happily press the button.

*Dick's latest pamphlet, 'Commies: How To Spot Them And How To Run Them Out Of Town Like Common Pigmies', published by Dick Mellor Publishing Corp., is available soon.

BBC Europe

By Dick Mellor, Stoke's Angriest Man

I see that the BBC (which should stand for "Big load of fupping Bollocks Corporation", but doesn't) is in the shit again after falsely accusing a Tory peer of being a kiddyfupper. What a surprise, our Guardian-reading friends at the Beeb forgot to check their facts before shitting it out of their arses and into our eyes and ears as "the news". The only surprise here is that those leftie liberal, bleeding heart, commie, perverts are still going and haven't been handed over to Rupert Murdoch or Richard Desmond to run properly as a commercial enterprise. Eastenders can fupp right off.

I see also that half of Europe is on strike protesting against austerity measures. What a surprise, our Continental friends have found an excuse not to bother doing any work. For a change. That whole lot of those feckless, lazy, foreign bastards should be sacked and replaced by people willing to the work, even if they have to bring in a shit ton of people in from Poland to do it. Unions are nothing more than a bunch of perverts trying to stop Governments from doing their jobs and should be broken up. Thatcher had the right idea, that sexy bitch.

*Dick's latest novel, 'Ganarek and the Sword of Destiny', is available tomorrow from Dick Mellor Publishing Corp.

Give Phillip Schofield A Knighthood

Dick Mellor,
prisoner of the truth

By Dick Mellor, Stoke's Number One Columnist.

I see that the soppy, lily-bollocked liberal media has got its silk knickers in a twist (and probably jizzed in them a little as well) in its condemnation of Phillip Schofield after he did what all right-minded people in his position would have done and handed over a list of probable paedos he found on a random internet page to Prime Minister Dave Cameron live on TV show 'This Morning'!

It's absofuckinlutley ruddyculous (a cross between ruddy and ridiculous) that he is being criticised for this act of bravery, standing up to the paedo menace that is terrorising the land on a daily basis. It's typical of the pro-paedo liberal media in this once Great but now Broken Britain that Schofield is being portrayed as the villain here rather than the kiddy-fiddling nonces who are able to go about their daily molestations without anybody being able to stop them, thanks to those big bag of floppy soft dicks in Brussels who spend their days worrying about pointless shenanigans like bendy bananas, human rights and what expenses they can fleece from the system and none of their time worrying about real issues like the noncification of Europe. 

Back in my day, it was perfectly acceptable to beat up someone you suspected of being a nonce, so what if the wrong person got lynched occasionally it was all done for the greater good and the victims accepted it was just part and parcel of being a weirdo back then: you would get beaten up occasionally if people thought you looked like the type who might have a go on a nipper. We've gone soft in this country and it's time we all got hard again.

I see also that Obama (or "Obummer" as I call him) has been elected American President again by our obese cousins across the Atlantic Ocean, or British Ocean, as it should be called. "What a breath of fresh air," you're probably thinking. WRONG! Obummer is literally in the pocket of happy clappy, leftie, tree-hugging, crack-smoking celebrities and the gay mafia and got where he is today by sucking corporate teat, where as rival Mitt Romney, who should have won the race to the White House (not racist), already a part of the corporate machine that enables our society to run smoothly, is someone who normally gets his teats sucked by stammering, bog-eyed wannabes like Obummer. And I don't know about you, but I'd rather have a teat-suckee as president rather than a teat-sucker.

*Dick's latest essay, 'Hating The Player AND The Game', is available now from Dick Mellor Publishing Corp.

Dick Mellor

EYE ON STOKE would like to introduce you to its controversial new columnist: Dick Mellor!

Dick is one of Stoke most outspoken self-published authors, and is a vehement campaigner against liberalism, the arts and the paranormal.

"I will tell it like it is," Dick says about his weekly column. "I won't be taking any prisoners, what you see is what you get with me. I will be putting the world to rights whether you like it or not."

Dick's first column will appear tomorrow, look out for it!