Reader Shout-outs

Can I get a shout-out to my daughter Prosecco Grindey, 6, who has been learning to read exclusively on EYE ON STOKE - Gill Ellis, Chell 

Good learning Prosecco!

I am a burglar from Middleport (don't print that part), can I get a hello and can you tell Staffordshire Police to stop arresting me for crimes I have definitely not done - Timmy Necker, Middleport

Sure thing Timmy!

Long time reader, first time e-mailer. I didn't vote three times for Brexit at three different polling stations to see us cave in to the EU's demands like this fuck the commies - Barry Nobbs

We think this should have gone to our Brexit inbox Barry, please re-send.

I get urges to stab people with my magic knife, a big up might stop me thanks - Super Stabby Mike, Norton

A big up coming your way Super Stabby Mike!

2016 Review: April

25-year-old call centre worker Nigel "Panda" Wilkins was arrested by police in Shelton after he was discovered to have been kidnapping elderly locals and keeping them in his cellar, making them act out scenes from classic sitcoms for his amusement. His scheme was foiled when burglars broke into his house and discovered the pensioners. The crims were hailed as heroes and Staffordshire Police allowed them to keep anything in the house they could fit into their hands and one swag bag as a reward. Wilkins escaped from custody when police officers forgot to lock his cell at night after playtime and is still on the run.

The Royal Wilkes Trail

The Royal Wilkes Trail is a hiking trail on the north rim of Knypersley reservoir, located at the very north of Stoke.

The paved trail begins in the car park at the southern end of Gracerock Road, better known as one of Knypersley's main dogging sites.

Knypersley Reservoir's northern shore

From the car park, the trail heads south west, along the reservoir, with signs describing the local flora and fauna, such as nettles and bulldogs. Viewpoints along the trail include The Whores Bath (a small pond), The Gay Window (a natural arch with flowers on it) and Bollock Pass (a path between two rocks).

Popular with tourists, the trail is around a mile in length, or about 894 Jonathan Wilkeses laid out in a line. Around 15 dead bodies were found dismembered along the route this morning, averaging about one every 107 metres. Police are not yet treating the deaths as suspicious, although this is subject to change according to the new Staffordshire Police terms and conditions announced yesterday.

Police Appeal For Witnesses

Barry The Clown

Police have appealed for witnesses after an incident yesterday that left a clown with a pie on his face.

Barry The Clown was entertaining at a children's garden party on Gash Road in Newstead when a cream pie was thrown into his face by one of the children, though by which one remains a mystery.

Staffordshire Police were called and detained the children for questioning. Under local laws, they can be held for 2 years without charge.

"We are determined to get to the bottom of this," police spokesman PC Barry Shanks said. "If any passers-by saw anything, now is the time to come forward. Clowns are people too and shouldn't be subject to these kind of calculated attacks. We are treating this as a hate crime."

Once the culprit is discovered, Barry The Clown plans on pressing criminal charges, and taking the case to a civil court to seek compensation.

Supervillain Threatens Revenge

Supervillain Doctor Destructo has threatened to rain death and destruction on Stoke after the city council rejected his plans to build a massive death ray in the city.

"Stoke is not ready for the pain I will inflict on it, muahahahaha," the evil genius said.

"This decision was not made on moral grounds," Councillor Jinky Watkins explained. "What the massive death ray will be used for is neither here-nor-there. What we object to is the culling of the residents and puppy dogs of Bentilee to make space for the weapon's construction. Bentileers are people too. Even if it doesn't always seem that way. They are not Bentilepers."

Doctor Destructo has the right to appeal the decision at a tribunal hearing.

He's Back!

One of Stoke's most feared and reviled crims, the nawty wittle boy, has resurfaced and terrorised a wedding party in Burslem.

Dressed in his trademark nappy and bonnet, the man, thought to be around 40 years old, stormed into Ballroom 17 at the Burslem Hilton hotel and proceeded to cause chaos.

"While you're down there..."

Pranks included pushing over the uncut wedding cake, claiming the first dance with bride Mandy Pitstop and grabbing the DJ's microphone to make an impromptu best man speech, done in baby talk, and referring to the bride as him mummy.

The man then stood in the middle of the dancefloor and pissed himself, while staring at the bride and groom, before saying his catchphrase ("I been a nawty wittle boy") and running off into the night.

Staffordshire Police To Take Christmas Break

Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks has confirmed that the force will be closing down over Christmas.

"Because of government cutbacks, and staff wanting time off over Chrimbo, we have decided to close for a couple of weeks from 22 December until 04 January 2015," PC Shanks explained. "Before and after that we will be offering an almost full service. An awesome service, some might say. But for this time period, we won't really be doing anything."

PC Shanks has played down fears that the lack of police will lead to an explosion of crime in the city.

"The facts are that most crims are too lazy to do anything over Christmas," PC Shanks said. "Having bobbies on the beat is kind of pointless. And some of the work local vigilantes have been doing recently is outstanding, real top stuff. You'll be alright, don't worry. These things have a way of working themselves out."

Cockney Spotted In Stoke

Stokies have been warned to be on the lookout after reports that a Cockney was spotted in the city centre last night.

"I definitely heard one at The Reginald Mitchell," Mandy Fistsock said. "It was saying stuff like 'guv'nor', 'wassup' and 'lovely jubbly'. It was a horrible abuse of the English language. I just left and never looked back."

"There has been more crime lately than normal," PC Barry Shanks of Staffordshire Police said. "We attributed it to the half term school holidays, but a cockney on the loose would make much more sense. When we finally catch it, we can probably also link it to any unsolved crimes since its been in the area too."

"If you see a cockney, do not approach it," PC Shanks warns. "Call the police and get well away from it."

Wanking Man Falls To Death

A local man has died by falling off a rooftop while masturbating, Staffordshire Police has confirmed.

"We don't know if it was suicide or if he was just too vigorous," police spokesman Barry Shanks said. "He may have just been peering over the edge to get a look at any totty below and lost his footing. Meh."

"I swear he was still tugging at it as he was falling," said eye witness Gary Spacker. "The eye contact with him was what made it uncomfortable for me."

"He went doing what he loved best," his mother Nora said at a wake in his honour. "I wish we could all be so lucky."

Nawty Wittle Boy Strikes Again

The scoundrel known as "Naughty Little Boy" has struck again, leaving Stokies wondering where he's been for the last 10 months.

The unknown man, who performs childish stunts while dressed as a baby, hit HMV in Hanley on Friday afternoon. Proceeding to the checkout holding a copy of 'Weekend At Bernie's' on DVD, the man reached down into his nappy and pulled a dummy out of his anus, before saying his trademark catchphrase to staff at the counter: "I been a nawty wittle boy."

Leaving the DVD and the dummy on the counter, the man scarpered away from the store, stopping at Spud-u-Like to steal a baked potato before leaving the Potteries Centre at the Body Shop exit, not to be seen again.

"This guy is a little shit," says Staffordshire Police spokesman PC Barry Shanks. "I hope he gets Down's Syndrome or something."

Late Contender For Stoke's 2013 Man Of The Year

David Sherratt of Tunstall has made a late bid to be Stoke's man of the year for 2013, an award thought to be a formality for Jonathan Wilkes, after the completion of his court case earlier today for outraging public decency and causing harassment, alarm and distress.

http://www.stokesentinel.co.uk/Man-walks-bar-naked-waist-carrying-ag-sex-toys/story-20492423-detail/story.html

Mr Sherratt entered a pub in Tunstall on 16 November last year, wearing nothing below the waist and carrying a bag of sex toys. He then told other customers: "If you don't like it, you can take it outside."

The charge of outraging public decency was dropped, but Mr Sherratt admitted the others and was handed a 12 month community order.

Following People While Hiding In A Box On The Increase, Confirms Staffordshire Police

Staffordshire Police has released its crime figures for 2013, the biggest increase being in the following of people while hiding in a box.

"We've seen a 180% increase in this particular crime," PC Barry Shanks told officials at City Hall. "The old ways are the best and this proves it."

Johnny X is a self-confessed box-follower. "No-one expects you to follow them while hiding under a big box. It's the perfect cover. I've never been caught."

Conversely, sales of boxes in the city is on the decrease. No-one can understand why.

2013 Review: Part IV

October
Bilal Sakander, owner of local soccer team Fegg Hayes Vikings, unveiled a statue of Sir Cliff Richard outside of the club's 90,000 seater ground, The Hanley Economic Stadium. "Anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off to Crewe," Sakander told Vikings fans who protested the statue. It was commissioned after Sakander paid Sir Cliff a reported £1.5 million for a private concert at his palace in Dubai. "Sir Cliff is a national institution and will bring good luck to the team," Sakander added. The statue proved to be a lucky charm as the Vikings won their next game 12-3 against local rivals Kidsgrove Killers.

November

Judges in Stoke got together to form a new group committed to cutting crime in the city. "The judicial system in Stoke has failed," said Judge Barnaby Booty outside of Fenton Magistrates Court. "We shall take matters into our own hands." The new group will hunt down and give punishment it deems fair to crims who are found not guilty at trial but obviously are guilty.

December

Local saint Gary Spanners decided to cheer up children at a Trentham hospice by dressing up as Santa and giving out gifts he had purchased or made himself. The convicted paedophile, whose 10 year spell on the sex offenders register had recently come to an end, was watched at all times. "We'll be keeping an eye on him," hospice spokeswoman Kaz Starburst told reporters. "No bad can possibly come from this."

Police Warn Crims

Staffordshire Police have warned Stoke's criminal community: don't mess with us, we've got truncheons!

Speaking at a charity dinner at a hotel located in the thieves' quarter in Hanley, PC Barry Shanks laid down the law.

"We don't mind crims going after plebs," he roared. "But come after us, and we'll beat the shit out of them."

Criminal union spokesman Herv "The Perv" Jones was disappointed with the comments. "Police do little more than come after our members," he said. "They need to stop harassing us and do something else. I don't care what. Save some cats from trees or something."

Police To Auction Items To Pay For Christmas Party

Hanley Police Station has confirmed via satellite today that it will be auctioning off items taken from crims and suspects to raise funds for a series of festive celebrations.

"The lads have worked hard this year and deserve to let off steam over the holidays," says spokesman Barry Shanks. "Crims are too lazy to do anything then anyway and this will save the taxpayer a lot of money. People should be thanking us."

Items going to auction include BMWs (the car of choice for today's successful crim), baseball caps, Adidas tracksuits, Xbox 360s and various illegal drugs with a street value of over £1 million.

"Any money left over after paying for the parties will go into a big pot," explains PC Shanks. "That pot, and it really is a big pot, literally a pot, will be an emergency fund for future parties. It means we can use our government funding purely for police work. For a change."

Ian Watkins: I’m Not "H"

A man from Stoke called Ian Watkins has pleaded with Stokies to stop giving him abuse after it was revealed the real name of "H" from Steps is also Ian Watkins.

"H" from Steps. Requiescat in pace.

"My life has gone to spunk," says the Tina Turner fan. "Every day I have to put up with a torrent of abuse from people, much worse than I got when people thought I was a child sex offender."

"Yes my name is Ian Watkins," adds Ian. "Yes, I wear fluorescent yellow t-shirts and dance to campy cover versions of popular old songs. And yes, I've just started up my own pop band which happens to be called Stips. But this is no excuse for people's stupidity."

Ian Watkins: I’m Not That Ian Watkins

A man from Stoke called Ian Watkins has pleaded with Stokies to stop giving him abuse after his famous namesake pleaded guilty to numerous child sex offences.

"My life has gone to cock," says the Cobridge native. "Every day I have to deal with a torrent of abuse and hatred. People call me names like Little Timmy Todger Toucher, Paedo Griffin, Pee Wee's Perv House and more. It's madness and it has to stop."

"Yes my name is Ian Watkins," adds Ian. "Yes, I have got convictions for various sex offences of my own and am on the sex offenders list. And yes, I've just started up my own rock band which happens to be called Lastpuppets. But this is no excuse for people's stupidity."

Local Woman In Dictatorship Death Claim

Local housewife and busybody Rebecca Carp has vowed to punish local crims with the death penalty if she ever becomes dictator of an independent Republic of Stoke.

"I'm sick of crims ruining this city," says the embittered woman, 40. "Chopping their cocks off isn't enough for me, death will be dealt out."

Mrs Carp has no current plans to take the city by force but has not ruled out a future assault.

"I could do it if I wanted, but it's hard to find the time, having a bunch of kids an' all," says the Lionel Richie fan.

Stokies Told To Beware "Nawty Wittle Boy"

Staffordshire Police have told Stokies to be wary of a new menace in the city: a grown man who performs childish stunts in public places then says his catchphrase: "I been a nawty wittle boy".

The first incident happened just over a week ago at Mothercare in Hanley. The man, dressed as a baby, is reported to have gone into a corner of the shop then urinated over a Moshi Monsters display. When staff asked what he was doing, he turned around and said "I been a nawty wittle boy", before sprinting out of the shop and running towards the Potteries Centre.

A second incident occurred in Tesco, again in Hanley, when the man emerged naked from the mother-and-baby toilets holding a filled nappy. He again said his catchphrase to staff before legging it from the supermarket towards Etruria.

A fan page for the unknown man has been set up on Facebook. Bentilee resident Gill Growler posted: "He just needs some mothering, bless," while Cobridge mother-of-six Leeanne Conk wrote: "He can come suk on me titties anytime."

Cathedral Controversy

Hanley Cathedral is facing a deepening controversy over the burial 23 years ago of a notorious local crime boss, with reports emerging that the church accepted a £450 payment from the mobster's widow to allow his interment there.

A source at the Church of England told EYE ON STOKE that the then cardinal, Kenny Tarbuck, gave his blessing to the controversial interment of Steve Mingekicker, the former boss of Longton's notorious westside gang. The money was reportedly used to hold a disco for choirboys and to restore toilets.

The claims, which the Church of England has not officially commented on, may explain how such a criminal was buried in one of Stokes holiest sites, currently undergoing reconstruction work following a fire caused by a faulty lava lamp. Last week, to deflect growing criticism, it emerged that cathedral officials had decided to move the remains of Mingekicker from his special crypt.

It is likely that the body of Mingekicker will be moved to a less high-profile place of rest. The location will be decided after consulting a ouija board.