Police Raid Same Titty Bar 100 Times

Titty Bar owner Dave Munton has reacted angrily after Staffordshire Police raided one of his titty bars for the 100th time this year.

"This is either harassment or cheap coppers trying to get to see some free titties," Munton told reporters at a meet-and-greet session. "Either way, I'm not happy."

Dave Munton: "I call bullshit."

"There is nothing wrong here," said Staffordshire Police spokesman Barry Shanks. "We get a lot of anonymous tips that shit is going down there and we need to follow those calls up."

"I call bullshit on the police's excuses," replied Munton. "Bullshit."

Stokies Shun eBooks

The buying of ebooks has yet to take off in Stoke, according to a report published by Munton Oatcakes in today's Evening Sentinel newspaper. Less than 1% of books bought by Stokies are done so digitally, compared to a national average of 10%.

Could this mean that Stokies prefer the feel of a paperback? Or could there be another reason?

"There's only about ten people we could find in Stoke who ever buy books, and nine of them don't have a computer," explains Munton Oatcakes CEO Dave Munton. "The one loser we found who has downloaded an ebook said they tried it once but it didn't take."

"How do I get porn on here?"

Could the recent success of badly-written erotic novel 'Fifty Shades of Grey' come to Stoke and revive flagging book sales?

"I don't think so," says Dave Munton. "Stokies like their filth more straightforward and more visual; we don't care for things like 'storylines' or 'character development'. That's why Richard Desmond publications dominate the local market."

Some publishing giants are confident that ebook growth will come to Stoke in time, but for now, the paperback and the tabloid have the advantage.

The Stoke Gossip Column

The Gossip Column is brought to you by Munton's Pikelets: "They get the job done."

-----------

Which Stoke MP makes her staff dress as babies and refer to her only as "Momma Joan"?

Which BNP councillor was recently spotted buying an "Asian Babes" magazine on Hope Street in Hanley?

Kendo Nagasaki

Could wrestler Kendo Nagasaki be making a comeback? He [Peter Thornley] was recently seen buying a "onesie" in Primark in Hanley.

Word has it that a certain fast food chain in Hanley lets its staff jizz into its burgers in lieu of pay rises.

Which Stoke-born actor likes to pay hobos to fight for money? He films the action then posts the footage on the internet under a false name.

Controversy As Crouch Named Stoke's Tallest Man

There was much debate across Stoke today when Stoke City Council named Peter Crouch as the city's tallest man.

Crouch gets his award for being Stoke's tallest man

Opponents to the award have given a bunch of reasons why they don't think he should get the title. "Firstly, he's not a Stokie," says Cobridge Tourist Board's Dave Murray. "Secondly, I doubt he even lives in the city. Thirdly, they haven't even measured him, they've just gone from what it says on Stoke City's website, which, as we all know, is full of LIES."

"This award has been made to placate Pottermusses [Stoke City fans]," added pikelet magnate Dave Munton, and one of the businessmen on the local TV show 'Dresdens Den', a programme where locals present their business ideas or inventions to try to get investment. "Because of everything happening with 'The Scamps' [Port Vale], the council has done this so they're not accused of being biased."

Pottermus

Not everyone is unhappy with the award. "This is just 'Scamps' fans being arsey," said Stoke City mascot Pottermus. "Crouchy, as I call him, is at least 2 inches taller than everyone else in the city. Fact. Show me someone taller. In fact, don't bother even trying, 'cus there isn't anyone. That is all."

Messi "Couldn't Pull In Stoke On A Saturday Night"

Local ladies man Dave Murray has claimed that Argentine footballer Lionel Messi couldn't hack it as a lothario in Stoke!

"Yeah, he's got the fame and the money," Murray tweeted. "That may work for women in Spain, but I don't think he could handle the more physical nature of women in Stoke."

Ladies night in Stoke

Some have rubbished Murray's claim. "Messi is so rich and famous that he could pull women anywhere," says local business leader and sexpert Dave Munton. "The girls who work at my titty bar, Lapland UK, in Hanley, would be all over him like a rash. Fame and wealth work anywhere on women of low self-esteem, as I can testify to."

Lionel Messi

Murray disagrees with Munton. "Women from Stoke are bigger, faster and rougher than what he's used to in Spain," he says. "It's a completely different discipline pulling women here than in Barcelona. Fancy footwork counts for nothing. Stoke women don't like 'fancy Dans'."

Micky Adams To Be Next England Manager?

Football fans in Stoke have called for Port Vale boss Micky Adams to be installed as the new England manager following the resignation of Fabio Capello. Adams, 50, has yet to rule himself out of the running for the job.

A YouGov poll conducted for Stoke City Council revealed that 42% of people in the city want Adams as the next boss, with Harry Redknapp well behind in second with 25% of the vote. Fabio Capello came third with 17%. Local newspaper The Daily Oatcake added to the calls by running the front page headline "Stoke Wants Micky Adams" this morning.

Micky Adams: England's next manager?

Noted medium Crystal O'Future has contacted Sir Stanley Matthews, who has given his backing to Adams. "Sir Stan said to me: 'He's English, he knows his association football and he is doing a great job with  the Vale.'"

Bookmakers have not yet listed Adams in the running for the job, perhaps suggesting he is nailed on for the role.

Port Vale fans are divided on losing Adams to England. Dave Murray of the Cobridge Tourist Board tweeted: "Gutted Capello has quit, good guy and top coach. Got to be English to replace him, Micky Adams for me." Dave Munton wants to keep Adams at Vale Park. He said on Twitter: "Fck off FA you southern bstrds, Adams to stay a valiant 4eva #adams4vale."

Councillor Resigns Over Criminal Charge

Stoke councillor Dave Dennis has resigned from his position as Nightlife Secretary after city prosecuters announced he would face charges over claims he dodged an ASBO.

Councillor Dennis will be charged with perverting the course of justice, as will his former wife Sharon, mother to two of his eight children. They will appear at Fenton Magistrates Court on 14 February.

The charges relate to an incident that took place in Hanley in August 2003. It is alleged that Mr Dennis asked his wife to accept an ASBO on his behalf.

The alleged offence is said to have taken place on 16 August 2003. After leaving a friend's birthday party at gentlemen's club Lapland UK, owned by local business magnate Dave Munton, it is claimed that the councillor got into a dispute with a tramp in the club's car park, a dispute that lead to fisticuffs. The tramp took a pasting and has no memory of the fight. Mrs Dennis told Staffordshire Police she had beaten the tramp and was given an ASBO.

After their separation, Mrs Dennis claimed in a radio interview on Big Steve's Crazy Breakfast Explosion on Signal Radio that her husband had beaten the tramp "to a bloody pulp" but asked her to "take one for the team". She said she had always wanted an ASBO for the street cred and did what her husband asked.

Dave Munton: "I run a clean titty bar"

Dave Munton voiced his anger after the original incident. "I run a clean titty bar and incidents like this tarnish its reputation. You may as well just come and rub some shit in my face. Go on, do it. Do it now," he told The Daily Oatcake in 2003.

Stoke City Council elders are said to be pleased with Dennis's resignation.