Barry For The Win

Fenton Magistrates Court's registry office has released a list to show the most common names for nippers born in the city for the tax year 2013-2014. Barry is the top boys name for a fourth consecutive year while Kayleigh is the most popular name for girls for the first time in three years, knocking Kim off top perch.

Top names for boys:

Barry

Steve

Dave

Mackenzie

Terry

Top names for girls:

Kayleigh

Kim

Khloe

Beyonce

Sharon

2013 Review: Part IV

October
Bilal Sakander, owner of local soccer team Fegg Hayes Vikings, unveiled a statue of Sir Cliff Richard outside of the club's 90,000 seater ground, The Hanley Economic Stadium. "Anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off to Crewe," Sakander told Vikings fans who protested the statue. It was commissioned after Sakander paid Sir Cliff a reported £1.5 million for a private concert at his palace in Dubai. "Sir Cliff is a national institution and will bring good luck to the team," Sakander added. The statue proved to be a lucky charm as the Vikings won their next game 12-3 against local rivals Kidsgrove Killers.

November

Judges in Stoke got together to form a new group committed to cutting crime in the city. "The judicial system in Stoke has failed," said Judge Barnaby Booty outside of Fenton Magistrates Court. "We shall take matters into our own hands." The new group will hunt down and give punishment it deems fair to crims who are found not guilty at trial but obviously are guilty.

December

Local saint Gary Spanners decided to cheer up children at a Trentham hospice by dressing up as Santa and giving out gifts he had purchased or made himself. The convicted paedophile, whose 10 year spell on the sex offenders register had recently come to an end, was watched at all times. "We'll be keeping an eye on him," hospice spokeswoman Kaz Starburst told reporters. "No bad can possibly come from this."

Sanctions Against North Longton Being Breached, Says UN

Ten thousand packets of cigarettes, 1200 bottles of Lambrini and a handful of second-hand Vauxhall Nova cars are among the latest reported breaches of a UN ban on luxury goods sales to North Longton, according to a confidential draft UN report that Eye on Stoke has obtained. Don't ask us how.

Fenton councillors told a UN panel of experts that North Longton had also imported thousands of "Paul's Boutique" hoodies and thousands of pounds worth of spray tan.

"Paul's Boutique" clothes,
not at all chavvy

Two rounds of UN sanctions imposed on North Longton for recent firework tests it carried out ban the sale of luxury items to locals. It was also hit with a arms embargo and is forbidden from trading in mobile phones.

The UN panel also said it was investigating possible North Longton firework-related sales to Crewe and Stone.
The panel of experts wrote that North Longton residents and visitors said luxury cars such as Vauxhall Novas were seen in the city and that luxury goods, including fake Timex watches,  were openly available.

The report is printed on embossed paper, and watermarked with a picture of Angelina Jolie.

"Crim" Released, Probably Guilty

Mackenzie Shenton became one of the youngest people ever to be released from criminal detention in Stoke today when Fenton Magistrates Court, the highest court in Stoke, released him after he served seven years in a cell at Hanley Police Station after having been arrested for "lingering with intent".

Shenton, 24, emerged with his mother, Sue (aged 50), on to the steps of the court, where, in front of a crowd of chavs and crims, he was sprayed with WKD by the friends and supporters who have long campaigned for his release.

Shenton, of Longton, was just 18 when he was arrested by Staffordshire Police for "lingering with intent" near to Tesco in Longton. He was kept in cells awaiting criminal charges for seven years. The magistrates court is now expected to ask Staffordshire Police to drop all charges against him.

Outside the court, Staffordshire Police spokesman, PC Barry Shanks, said: "I am just shocked. I knew this would happen, the courts are a load of shite. Staffordshire Police has gone through hell, keeping this little scrote in our cells for seven years without charge, it is like we were all being tortured. All of us have suffered. We kept him out of society's reach, and this is the thanks we get?"

The only evidence against him was two witnesses who claimed Shenton was "looking shifty" near to the supermarket. One of the witnesses was a middle class old woman, the other was a Daily Mail reader.

Shenton's release comes after a campaign run by friends and family and supported by the entertainer Jonathan Wilkes. Wilkes criticised Staffordshire Police and demanded answers. He said there had been "a cocking outrageous miscarriage of justice" on BBC's Blue Peter. He also added: "This is up there with OJ Simpson's sensational trial of the 1990s as one of the best, and you can read all about my take on it in my forthcoming book, 'Jonathan Wilkes: The Long Walk to Freedom'."

North Longton's Rocket Fails

North Longton's much anticipated bottle rocket launch has ended in failure, splintering into pieces over the A50 soon after lift-off. The reclusive Stoke ward admitted today in an announcement on Signal Gold radio that a "satellite of love" launched hours earlier failed to enter into orbit in the skies around Stoke. Fenton and South Longton also declared the launch a failure.

The bottle rocket - seen by many as a banned test of firework technology - was launched from north-west Longton early on Friday.

Fenton, Trentham and South Longton say it flew only for a short time before breaking up and crashing. North Longton said its party planning committee were assessing what had caused the failure. North Longton says the aim of the launch was to put a smile on people’s faces, but Fenton and other Stoke wards say the launch constituted a test of firework technology banned under city council resolutions.

In a statement, city council elders condemned the launch, despite its failure. Darts champion Phil “Fingers” Taylor called the launch deplorable.

The city council is due to meet later at a hog roast and disco to discuss the launch. Chell Heath, North Longton's closest ally, has called for calm and restraint on the Longton peninsula.

“North Longton's attempt at a firework display is a clear breach of the city council resolution,” said council spokesman Mick Miller. “The resolution prohibits any launch using fireworks unless a special license has been granted, like for a birthday party or on bonfire night, for example.”

The bottle rocket's failure is an embarrassment for North Longton’s leaders. It will also come as a relief to other Stoke wards who are worried about North Longton's potential to develop other long range fireworks.

South Longton’s leaders said that North Longton's behaviour was of concern to the whole of Stoke. "Despite the failure of its attempted firework launch, North Longton's provocative action threatens peace and quiet and contravenes its own recent commitments to stop dicking about," spokesman Dave Hill said.

North Longton conducted a similar bottle rocket launch after a dinner party in 2009. On that occasion, South Longton analysts said the rockets failed to go off properly - but North Longton said it was a success and its guests were “well impressed”.

Asbo For Hovercraft Thief

A hovercraft thief has received an Asbo banning him from touching any hovercraft he doesn’t own for three years. Ryland Ricketts, 13, faces a lengthy jail sentence if he is caught handling or driving a hovercraft unless he has documents proving that he is the owner.

It is the first time that such a restriction has been placed on a hovercraft thief caught by Staffordshire Police’s hovercraft task force. Officers today asked the public to contact them if they spot Ricketts breaching the terms of his ban.

Ricketts, from Bentilee, had the Asbo imposed by Fenton magistrates after being caught attempting to steal a hovercraft at Lake Burslem. He was also placed under a three-month curfew and given a supervision order for 18 months.

A hovercraft on Lake Burslem

An accomplice, Steve Mailman, 12, also from Bentilee, was jailed for six weeks in a maximum security facility after being convicted of theft. Both were caught red-handed by the police’s hovercraft task force during a police barbecue at Lake Burslem.

Mailman was spotted loitering around a decoy hovercraft for several hours and was joined by Ricketts, who cut the lock securing the hovercraft to a cardboard cutout of Port Vale manager of Micky Adams. Ricketts was detained immediately while Mailman attempted to escape on a yacht but sailed straight into the path of a police pedalo.

Barry Shanks, police spokesman, said: “This is a significant decision of the court which has resulted in harsh sentences for these ne'er-do-wells. Hovercraft theft is a crime that can have a considerable impact on victims and we will continue to target those involved.”

The hovercraft task force, set up in 2010 with funding from Stoke City Council, has made more than 2 arrests since its inception.

Gran Fined For Littering After Dropping Dead In Street

A Stoke grandmother has been fined for littering – after dropping dead from a MASSIVE heart attack!

Jean Genet, 63, was dying on the pavement on Cornelius Road in Fenton when a council environment officer marched up to her and gave her a £75 fixed penalty fine.

A bog standard Stoke granny

Jean's daughter Kylie said: “It’s ridiculous. He could have called an ambulance but instead he just stood there writing out a ticket. It's political correctness gone mad. Or health and safety gone mad. I'm not sure which one."

Stoke City Council yesterday refused to withdraw the fine. Council spokesman Mick Ronson said: "An environmental offence was committed and we can't go around letting people off just because they're dead. The point of a democracy is that everyone is equal, whether alive or dead. Case closed."

In Focus: The "Seven Towns"

Thanks to the staff at the Stoke Paranormal Sociey, here is the story of the "seven towns" that joined together to form Stoke-on-Trent in 1910.

Burslem

*Burslem is located in the north west of the city.

*The name comes from the German verb 'boslen', which means 'to sweat'.

*Burslem was originally called Boslem, and still is by some locals.

*Burslem is the largest town in Stoke, but not the best.

*Burslem is the home town of 15 time darts world champion "Fingers" Phil Taylor.

*Burslem is a paragon of multiculturalism, with a considerable Asian population living side-by-side with BNP supporters.

*Burslem's School of Art is renowned throughout Britain.

*Vauxhall Conference association football team Port Vale are based in Burslem. Founded in 1876 as "Boslem Scamps FC", the team changed its name in 1974 during Stoke's bid for independence from the UK. They are still nicknamed "The Scamps" to this day.

*Burslem is home to Lake Burslem, world famous for its resident monster called "Bursie".

*Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Fegg Hayes

*Fegg Hayes is located in the north of Stoke, next to the Knypersley mountain range.
*The name Fegg Hayes comes from the greek 'Fides Hades', meaning 'Faith in Hades'. Hades is the Greek god of the underworld.
*Fegg Hayes is the home of the world famous Fegg Hayes Yeti.

*Fegg Hayes looks different from much of Stoke because of its unique history. From 1386 to 1797, Fegg Hayes was ruled by Viennese nobility. As such, much of Fegg Hayes reflects the era when it was part of the Republic of Vienna, its streets full of romanesque and baroque architecture.

*Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Fenton

*Fenton is located just south of the city centre (Hanley and Stoke-upon-Trent).

*Fenton, from the Chinese 'feng tun', means 'bitch slap'.

*Fenton has been called "the place Longton wishes it was".

*During WWI, Fenton declared itself a tax haven hoping to attract rich war-evaders.

*Fenton is named after former footballer Graham Fenton who once had a successful loan spell with Stoke City FC.

*Fenton is home to Fenton Magistrates Court. Local judges are notoriously strict, often handing out sentences such as "hard labour", chain gangs and 100+ year prison terms.

*Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Hanley

*Hanley is located bang in the middle of Stoke and is perhaps better known as Stoke's city centre.
*Hanley comes from the latin 'han lay', which means 'hen party'.

*Coal mining was important in Hanley until Margaret Thatcher closed down all the mines in the 1980s, calling them an "eyesore" on the beautiful Stoke landscape.

*Hanley is home to Stoke's biggest building, the Potteries Shopping Centre. It contains many of this Britain's biggest high street names including Sock Shop and Tie Rack!

*Hanley is also home to one of Stoke's biggest cathedrals, Hanley Cathedral, which is built on the site of an ancient stargate. It is currently being refurbished after being partly destroyed by a fire caused by a faulty lava lamp.

*Hanley has different districts, known as quarters. There is the commercial quarter, the cultural quarter, the French quarter, the red light quarter and the thieves' quarter.
*Central Forest Park (aka: Needle Park) is located in Hanley. That's where you're most likely to find Bigfoot in Stoke! Or a drug dealer.

*Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Longton

*Longton is located in the south of Stoke.

*The name Longton comes from the Chinese 'long tun', meaning 'arse slap'.

*Longton is affectionately referred to as the "arse end of Stoke".

*Longton is home to a wide range of shops such as Tesco Extra, Sainsbury’s and Lidl.
*Portugal is Longton's oldest ally. The Longton-Portugal Treaty signed in 1373 is still in force.
*Vicious gang warfare between gangs from south Longton (southside) and north Longton(westside) have raged on the mean streets of Longton for years.

*Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Stoke-upon-Trent

*Stoke-upon-Trent is located in the centre of Stoke-on-Trent! Confused? You will be!
*Stoke derives from the Latin word 'stoc', meaning 'barn fight'.
*Many locals want the town renamed to avoid confusion between Stoke-upon-Trent and Stoke-on-Trent. "Old Stoke", "Ye Olde Stoc" and "Barn Fight-upon-Trent" are popular choices for new names amongst residents.
*Stoke-upon-Trent is home to the Council of Elders, Stoke City Council and Staffordshire University.
*Stoke-upon-Trent was officially at war with Russia for 110 years. At the outbreak of the Crimean War, Britain declared war on Russia in the name of Britain, Ireland, Stoke-upon-Trent and all British Dominions. But when the war ended in 1856, the Paris Peace Treaty omitted Stoke. So Stoke was technically at war with Russia until 1966 when a Soviet official, made aware of the situation, visited the town to declare peace!

*Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

Tunstall

*Tunstall is located in Stoke's north-west, above Burslem.
*Tunstall comes from the Chinese 'tun sall', meaning 'slap my thigh'.
*Tunstall is home to Stoke's Chinatown area. The first Chinese settlers arrived here in 1065.

*Historians have discovered that locals were using iron ore found in the area to manufacture weapons from as early as the 13^th century.
*Britain's first holiday camp was Tunstall's Fascist Family Camp which opened in 1905. Alcohol was strictly banned (though opiates were allowed) and any holiday maker caught talking after 10pm was spanked.

*Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.