January Transfer Window Gossip

Stoke City

The Pottermusses have been linked with a string of big name signings, including Shaun Wright-Phillips, who has been linked with Stoke for a club record tenth straight transfer window. Now that former guv'nor Tony Pulis has found another job as Crystal Palace manager, Stoke are looking into bringing him back in a non-managerial role which would require him to sit on the bench looking gruff, to annoy the London club and to scare opposition managers.

Fegg Hayes Vikings

The Vikings's mega billionaire owner Bilal Sakander has launched audacious bids of £100 million for Lionel Messi, £125 million for Cristiano Ronaldo and £1 for Frank Lampard. "I expect them all to be accepted," Sakander told shoppers at the Potteries Centre, which he owns.

Port Vale

The Scamps have targeted the PA address system of local rivals Kidsgrove Gumps. "It's ready for the big time," manager Micky Adams was overheard saying. A bid for the corner flags at Leek Town have been turned down but the Scamps are expected to come back with a bigger offer. With planning permission granted by Stoke City Council for the Sentinel Stand to be crazy-paved, Scamps scouts will be searching the lower leagues for suitable crazy paving to take on loan with a view to a permanent transfer.