2013 Review: Part IV

October
Bilal Sakander, owner of local soccer team Fegg Hayes Vikings, unveiled a statue of Sir Cliff Richard outside of the club's 90,000 seater ground, The Hanley Economic Stadium. "Anyone who doesn't like it can fuck off to Crewe," Sakander told Vikings fans who protested the statue. It was commissioned after Sakander paid Sir Cliff a reported £1.5 million for a private concert at his palace in Dubai. "Sir Cliff is a national institution and will bring good luck to the team," Sakander added. The statue proved to be a lucky charm as the Vikings won their next game 12-3 against local rivals Kidsgrove Killers.

November

Judges in Stoke got together to form a new group committed to cutting crime in the city. "The judicial system in Stoke has failed," said Judge Barnaby Booty outside of Fenton Magistrates Court. "We shall take matters into our own hands." The new group will hunt down and give punishment it deems fair to crims who are found not guilty at trial but obviously are guilty.

December

Local saint Gary Spanners decided to cheer up children at a Trentham hospice by dressing up as Santa and giving out gifts he had purchased or made himself. The convicted paedophile, whose 10 year spell on the sex offenders register had recently come to an end, was watched at all times. "We'll be keeping an eye on him," hospice spokeswoman Kaz Starburst told reporters. "No bad can possibly come from this."