Wednesday, 15 May 2013

Entertainment Reviews

By EYE ON STOKE's Entertainment Reporter Rufus Hilton

The Great Gatsby
Director Boz Luhrman ditches the boring novel's intrigue, subtle character studies and social satire in favour of a glitzy, star-studded pop video of a movie. Leonardo DiCaprio portrays the puffy-faced, gurning Gatsby to perfection and the modern pop soundtrack perfectly complements this period piece. A masterpiece. 5/5.
Out in cinemas this Friday

The Fall
This bleak BBC2 drama revolving around a creepy serial killer and the policewoman (Gillian Anderson) trying to track him down is a poor effort all round. It's often so dark you can't see what's happening very clearly and there's very little in the way of exposition to remind you from time-to-time of what's going on. The weird accents of the cast don't help either. It's no 'Touch of Frost'.
BBC2, Mondays, 9pm


Celebrity Juice
Keith Lemon injects new life into the under-used comedy panel show format with his hilarious antics in this ITV2 spectacular. Top notch, charismatic, A-List guests, such as Emma "Baby Space" Bunton, Rylan and regulars Jedward, join Keith for such exciting games such as rude Chinese whispers and downing pints of beer quickly, with Keith all-the-while having a go at the game celebrities, often pointing out that some of the female panellists have big titties right to their faces! Brilliant.
ITV2, most nights

Savages: "Silence Yourself"
The debut album from hotly-tipped Londoners Savages is something of a letdown. Instead of cheeky piano singalongs or urban-flavoured pop music, like you would expect from cockneys, we are instead treated to punchy, serious rock music of a new wave/post-punk style, favouring atypical song structures and thoughtful lyrics rather than catchy choruses and guest raps. Disappointing. 1/5.
Out now

Monday, 13 May 2013

Leave The EU And Go It Alone

By Dick Mellor

I see that UKIP did fairly well at the recent local elections. People say it's because the Tories have gone soft. And why is that? It's because of those gimp-wristed LIMP Dems of course, dragging the Tories down to their lazy, perverse, happy-clappy, dirt-munching level.

I see also that Michael Gove has said that, if it was his choice, the UK would leave those fecund EU types behind and have Britain go it alone, free to roam the world's highways without having an out-of-control, fat, bloated, gropey, hairy uncle saying "Don't do that!" at every turn. In no way has he come out and said this just to appease angry Tony voters who deserted the party for UKIP, he has said this because he is just telling it like it is, and those gimps in the lefty liberal media don't like it.

So Alex "Fergie" Ferguson has decided to call it a day? Please wait while I puke up my eyeballs then shove them right up my arse. Mr Fergie is one the highest donors to the Labour Party; typical lefty gimp, making a fortune for himself while people all over the world are starving. How does he sleep at night? on a bed made of money, no doubt.

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Midweek Prayers

With Reverend Nigel

One Direction may be celebrating recent chart success, but my favourite boy band will always be the 12 disciples of Jesus. Apart from Judas, the Robbie Williams of the group.

Sir Alex Ferguson has announced his retirement. People point to his many cups as reason for his greatness. Well, Jesus Christ was the best manager of them all and he only needed one cup.

A big reason for Sir Alex's success was that he drank a lot of the blood of Christ, aka: red wine. Let this be a lesson to you all.

Monday, 6 May 2013

Biggins Guest Of Honour At 150th Anniversary Celebration

Stoke City great Wayne Biggins has been confirmed as the special guest at Stoke City's 150th Anniversary celebrations later this month.



Biggins, nicknamed "the English Maradona", heads a list of former stars, including Gordon Banks and Sir Geoff Hurst, who will parade before next weekend's internationally televised game against Tottingham Hotspurs.

Sunday, 5 May 2013

Stokies Told To Beware "Nawty Wittle Boy"

Staffordshire Police have told Stokies to be wary of a new menace in the city: a grown man who performs childish stunts in public places then says his catchphrase: "I been a nawty wittle boy".

The first incident happened just over a week ago at Mothercare in Hanley. The man, dressed as a baby, is reported to have gone into a corner of the shop then urinated over a Moshi Monsters display. When staff asked what he was doing, he turned around and said "I been a nawty wittle boy", before sprinting out of the shop and running towards the Potteries Centre.


A second incident occurred in Tesco, again in Hanley, when the man emerged naked from the mother-and-baby toilets holding a filled nappy. He again said his catchphrase to staff before legging it from the supermarket towards Etruria.

A fan page for the unknown man has been set up on Facebook. Bentilee resident Gill Growler posted: "He just needs some mothering, bless," while Cobridge mother-of-six Leeanne Conk wrote: "He can come suk on me titties anytime."

Saturday, 4 May 2013

Deal Or No Deal?

A Stokie is celebrating after pulling off a stunning double: winning £95,000 on TV show 'Deal Or No Deal' then stinging the Government out of £7,000 in illegally-obtained benefits!



Unfortunately for Caroline Banana, from Bentilee, pious Government agents went after her for the £7,000 she obtained by deception and prosecuted her in court to get the money back. The judge has ordered her to do 215 hours of community service and told her to sell her holiday home in Turkey to pay back the government what she owns.

Friday, 3 May 2013

Anger Over One Pound Houses

Stokies have reacted angrily to news that Stoke City Council is planning to sell off empty council houses for just one pound.
"I've never paid for housing in my life and won't be starting now," says Fegg Hayes burglar Vinnie Johns. "I expect my house to come as part of my benefits package and won't be shitting up pound coins like a madman to buy a house I can get for free."

"What is this madness?" asks retired pensioner Tam Jitters. "I didn't suck off American servicemen during WW2 so that I would have to pay for housing in the future, this is inflation gone mad."

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Scamps Promoted

Local association soccer team Port Vale, nicknamed "The Scamps", have been promoted up a division in the English pyramid league system to one division higher than the division they currently reside in, known as "Division Two" or "bottom o' barrel".



Scamps manager Micky Adams, who took the boss's job for a second spell last summer despite managerial vacancies at Chelsea, Liverpool and Rotor Volgograd, has vowed to celebrate the team's promotion by eating one of every type of pie in the Wright's Pie shop in Burslem.

Sunday, 28 April 2013

Sunday Service

With Reverend Nigel

Some people say science is better than religion because it's always changing its mind on things. That means that at any given time science is probably wrong about almost everything. God is always right and always has been.

Scientists say that the climate is changing and the Earth is getting warmer because of things like carbon dioxide. Bollocks. It is because God is unhappy with certain people's lifestyle choices.

My neighbours ask me if there is anything wrong with being of a different religious denomination to me. No, I say, there's nothing wrong with that, just don't expect to get into the Kingdom of Heaven when you die.

McDonald's are offering some of their products from as little as 99p. Well, God has been offering his love for free for eternity. I know which I'd rather get fat on.

Saturday, 27 April 2013

Pulis Lookalike Gets Into Fight With Crouchy Lookalike

Europe's number one ranked Tony Pulis lookalike, German Gunther Kutz, shocked onlookers at a business conference in Abu Dhabi this week when he got into a bar brawl with Steve Log, a full time Peter Crouch lookalike.

The pair were being employed to help provide corporate hospitality to the mega rich businessmen attending the conference on avoiding corporate responsibility.


"I don't know how it started," said onlooker Victor Spillsbury. "But I saw Pulis headbutt Crouchy repeatedly. Looks like he lost a few teeth as well, just like the real Crouchy did earlier in the season."

"This doesn't bode well," says Stoke fan Mick Beanstalk. "This could easily transfer over to the real Pulis and Crouch. Team morale would be destroyed by an incident like this."