Stoke City star striker Peter Crouch has been blamed for a host of cable TV problems by local residents.
"Our cable TV has been terrible lately," says Mandy Pickpocket from Birches Head. "I blame Crouchy, mos' def'. He's happy to take the money for promoting the service but none of the responsibility when it fails. Typical footballer."
Residents have complained of pictures cutting out and no service for days at a time.
"I went to a Stoke training session to complain but Crouchy just fobbed me off with a signed beanpole," added Ms Pickpocket. "So I found out where his Mum lives and phoned her to tell her to tell him off. She said she would. I also asked Mark Hughes to drop Crouchy for three matches but I got bored by his response and left."
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