Helpiate Of The Masses

By Steve Hyde, showing the softer side of being hardline left-wing.

I met a crippled man in a chair, like Stephen Hawkings or something, just the other day. Seriously. I used an app on my iPhone to mimic his robot speech, to make him feel more comfortable, so that he would think of me as merely an equal and not his superior. Just doing my bit for the children of a lesser god.

Martin Luther King Day in the good ole USA of A reminds me of our own sorry past, when we treated black people as slaves and servants. I too was guilty of this, employing black women as cleaners and cooks at my student house. I did the right thing in the end though and sacked them from their menial jobs to liberate them from my white oppression. Fly free, blackbirds, fly free. I now employ some lovely Eastern European women.

Sunday Sabbath

With Reverend Nigel

The situation in Syria is getting worse all the time. I will say a prayer for the poor people there; without the love and protection of a proper God, they are surely doomed, even if they survive the current war.

Broadcaster Sir David Frost has died. If he tried to take me through God's keyhole before it was my time, I would have been most unhappy. That would have been the week that was (his demise).

My now former best friend, and organist, recently came out as gay. I offered to cure him but he was not interested. If you would like to be the new organist at my church, then please write to: Reverend Nigel Gedge, St Terry's Church, Cobridge, Stoke-on-Trent. Please mark your envelope with the legend "God's musician".

Morrissey Just Cancelling Stuff "For Fun" Now

Fortunately for EYE ON STOKE on a slow news day, Stoke's resident Morrissey fan, Amy Rylands, has questioned the miserable singing star's motives after recent concert cancellations.

"He just seems to be cancelling stuff for fun now," Amy wrote on her Tumblr blog. "And as we all know, Morrissey doesn't do anything for fun. Something must be wrong."

You can see Morrissey talk onstage about Stoke's men and women in this YouTube clip and see clips of him live in the city here.

Stoke Culinary Classics With Chef Barry Cockles

No. 1: Cheese Oatcake

You will need good quality oatcakes. I recommend Povey's Oatcakes, mainly because they sponsor me.

With the oatcake rolled open, you can add the cheese. I personally use cheddar cheese for its consistency and dependable flavour. I wouldn't use a foreign cheese. That won't work.

To grate or not to grate? That is the question. I would suggest that you grate the cheese for greater consistency, though this is not a necessity. Play it how you wish.

Spread the cheese out evenly over the naked oatcake if you're using grated cheese, going close to the edge; if not, place your chunks or slices of cheese on the oatcake, leaving a 2cm gap to the edge of the oatcake to allow for the extra surface area the molten cheese will cover.

Now place the oatcake into the microwave. Cook until the cheese has melted. When this happens, take it out and leave it to cool.

Finally, all you need to do is roll the oatcake up; your cheese oatcake is now ready to eat. I recommend that you gobble it up quickly for maximum satisfaction.

More Reasons To Be Angry

By Dick Mellor

I see that Masterchef host Gregg Wallace has got into trouble for smacking a guy who groped up his bird? What is the world coming to when you can't beat the shit out of someone who tried titting up your woman? I feel like punching something or someone, that's how cooking angry I am about this.

Congratulations to leathery TV talent show judge Simon Cowell on his forthcoming baby. Hopefully, this will put all those gay rumours to bed. The limp-cocked liberal media has been putting this shit out about Cowell for years to undermine one of the Conservative party's biggest supporters. Grrrr, it makes me so angry I could literally explode. Literally.

*Dick's latest essay, 'Armed Warfare For Dummies', is available now from Dick Mellor Publishing Corp.

Unethical Shopping Increasing

Shoppers in Stoke are three times more likely to buy environmentally-destroying products than they were in 2010, according to a new survey.

The response goes against national trends, where fair trade and organic products are on the rise.

"I'm sick of all these namby pampy 'fair trade' products flooding the shelves," says shopper Jimbo Klink. "I refuse to buy them point blank. End of."

"All I care about is making sure I've got enough beer and drug money at the weekend," says single mum Karlee Frencher. "Fuck Africa."

Street Dancing Is “Recession Proof”

Keith Hamburger, known on da street as "Professor Swag", has hit out at recent predictions by business experts that street dance participation will only increase by around 0.5% this forthcoming year.

"Street dance is Britain's only growth industry," wrote the professor in the acclaimed Business Stoke journal. "And I have the facts to prove it. And things are only going to get better. Street dance is here to stay, it's not just a ridiculous fad that's on the way out already."

"The fact that a street dance crew has failed to win 'Stoke's Top Talent', or its inferior cousin 'Britain's Got Talent', for at least two years now shows its decline. And 'Step Up Revolution', also known as 'Step Up 4: Miami Heat', took less at the box office than its two predecessors in the series. If I was an investor in street dance, I would be worried," commented Barry Tucker, a guy I met at the pub last night who knows my mate Chugger Jenkins.

Pottermusses Gear Up For Season Opener

Stoke City fans are readying themselves for the new soccerball season which starts today. The boys are playing Liverpool at Ann's Field and supporters have high expectations.

"This could be the season we do it," says Hulk Jimmings, 9. "I've never seen Stoke lift the Premier League trophy but I'm hopeful we can win it."

"With Crouchy in the team, anything is possible," says Ironman Burgess, 6. "Anything less than a Champions League position is failure, imho."

"The lads need to do something special this season," snarls Doris Ahmed, 101. "I'm going on a rampage in Europe next year, with or without the team. Preferably with."

Council Pulls Drugs Plans

Stoke City Council has dropped plans to make drug dealers sell drugs in plain packaging prompting allegations it had given in to lobbying by local drug lords.

"This is tish and fipsy," says council drugs czar Mackenzie Blazes. "We are simply waiting to see what happens with similar trials in Amsterdam and Bangkok before deciding how we should proceed."

"Think of the children," says family campaigner Mary Stump. "THE CHILDREN!"

Mr Blazes welcomed his own decision on the matter. "I welcome myself and the decision I reached, it is both sensible and magnificent in equal measure."

Council Introduces ".stoke.uk" Web Address

Stoke City Council has offered Stokies the chance to show their civic pride online by offering web domains that end in ".stoke.uk".

"So far we've seen a big take up by the revenge porn industry," says Reg Dwighte, city councillor for internet. "They've been tempted by our competitive pricing. This is a good sign though, pornography is always at the forefront of technological advances."

The city council itself won't be changing its own web address as the government won't let it.