Religious View

By Reverend Nigel Gedge from St Terry's Chuch, Cobridge

Kelly Brook has been in the papers a lot lately and is considered one of the sexiest women in the world by many men. But for me, the fairest of them all is Mary, mother of Jesus.

Women who dress in skimpy clothing or are reckless with their bodies are given lots of bad names: slut, skank, slag, beeyatch, dick jockey, cum-bucket, spunk-vampire, to name but a few. I would like to add another name to that list: heathen.

Manchester United may have secured their 20th title as English champions, but before they celebrate too hard, they should remember that Jesus has been world champion over 2000 times.

Ridicule As Unemployed Man Claims He Could Live On Just £120,000 A Year

An unemployed man on benefits from Stoke has been subjected to national ridicule after he claimed he could live comfortably on just £120,000 a year.

Nigel "Rio" Cocker, 24, and father of 12, made the outrageous claim during an interview he gave to Tatler magazine in a feature on lower class people. "I reckon I could live well good on dat many clams," Mr Cocker said. "Get me own house an' car an' go on 'oliday ever' now an' then, sounds lovely jubbly."

"This pleb obviously knows nothing of living in the real world," wrote Tatler columnist Tim Vine-Jeremy. "Just because you have a higher income it does not mean that your life is easier. We all know that mo' money equals mo' problems. This man is just patronising the upper middle class with his ridiculously simple notions of budgeting at that kind of income level, he knows nothing."

"This clown doesn't understand anything," politician Iain Duncan Smith is rumoured by an 'insider' to have roared. "What a knob!" he is also rumoured to have screamed, by a different 'insider'.

Biggins Voted England’s Best Ever

Former Stoke City superstar Wayne Biggins has been voted England's greatest ever footballer in a YouGov poll of local soccer fans.

Biggins, nicknamed the "White Pele", beat off competition from the likes of Sir Stanley Matthews, Sir Bobby Charlton and Paul "Gaza" Gascoigne to the title, sponsored by Steve's Oatcakes, which comes with a trophy and cash prize of £250.

The top ten are:

1. Wayne Biggins

2. Stanley Matthews

3. Bobby Charlton

4. Bobby Moore

5. Kevin Keegan

6. Chris Waddle

7. Gary Lineker

8. Peter Beardsley

9. Gordon Banks

10. Peter Crouch

Pulis Fan Still Has Faith

Some Stoke City supporters may be worried about the team's recent slide down the EPL soccer league table, but there's one fan who has still got faith in boss Tony Pulis: his professional German lookalike, Gunther Kuntz!

"Of course, the league situation is not perfect right now," says Gunther, who works under the name 'Tony Pulis Germany'. "But I believe that Herr Tony can kick this dead horse back to life, as we say in Germany."

Official Tony Pulis lookalike,
Gunther Kuntz

Gunther has been an officially licensed Tony Pulis lookalike for around 4 years now, and thinks that he has seen enough during that time to support the guv'nor without hesitation.

"Listen guys, Herr Tony has made this club what it is today," says Gunther to any doubters. "Without him we are nothing, so let us get behind the boys and I am sure we will beat off the drop."

"Ding Dong, The Witch Is Dead!"

By Steve Hyde, a one man Stoke-based left wing think tank.

This is a dead Thatcher. This Thatcher is deceased. This Thatcher is no more! Of course, I'm referencing the fact that Maggie Thatcher has finally died! And the classic TV comedy show 'Faulty Towers' as well, cus I'm just the kind of guy who can link two seemingly unrelated things like that in such a clever and beautiful way. (Don't try and stop me, you won't be able to.)

I'm old enough to remember watching on TV protests against Thatcher, especially the Poll Tax riots, so I have first hand experience of the devastating effect Thatcher and her politics had on this country. My parents also got very rich during her time as PM while poor people only got poorer, so, again, I know all about how bad her policies and economic plans were.

I see also that anti-Thatcherites are making a push to get 'Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead' to the top of the hit parade. Normally, when I listen to 'Ding Dong', one of my favourite songs btw, tho in an ironic way obvs, I would think of 'Naked Gun 2½'. Now however, it's taken on a delicious new life of its own as the official anthem of Thatcher's demise! (If I'm being honest tho, my first thought when hearing the song is still of 'Naked Gun 2½'. Takes me a few seconds to remember why the song is currently being played.)

Oh, btw, I will not be attending a Thatcher death celebration party this weekend… I will be hosting one! At my penthouse in Hanford fyi, just in case I know you personally and you're in the area on Saturday night. If I don't know you personally, then don’t stop by, the bouncers will NOT let you in.

"Thatcher Was People's Princess"

By Dick Mellor, Stoke's Biggest Thatcherite

When I first joined Twitter, my first tweet was: "Thatcher would still get it." That's how highly I rated her, that she should be the first person I thought of when addressing the world for the first time on that wretched social network. I soon got banned from Twitter for my "own safety", but that's another issue for another day.

Without doubt, Thatcher was the greatest leader this, or any other, Britain has ever seen. She was the perfect coming together of several other greats from history: the great leadership skills of Winston Churchill, the style and cool of Grace Kelly, the power of Tina Turner, and all the good stuff from Princess Di.

She was a MAJOR source of inspiration for MOST of the great people of today; the great modern politicians like Cameron, Hague, Osborne and Gove; the great modern feminists like the Spice Girls; the great modern businessmen like Peter Stringfellows and Alan Sugars; the great modern thinkers like Jeremy Clarksons and Richard Littlejohns; and, the great modern writers like Jeffrey Archers and Katie Price.

The fact that there were unprecedented public protests throughout her reign as our leader, and now after her death, PROVES how right she was. You can't make an omelette without breaking some eggs; or, to put it another, and some would say better, way: you can't make a country without breaking some plebs.

I rest my case.

Stoke Celebrates

Stoke erupted into wild celebrations today when it was revealed that former British president Maggie Thatchers had finally succumbed to the rot that had engulfed her for many years.

"I thought this day would never come," said former Shelton gold miner Tarquin George Heath. "I honestly thought that she would outlive us all, like a cockroach surviving a nuclear holocaust."

Thatcher, nicknamed "the milfsnatcher", is wildly unpopular in the city for a whole host of reasons, including, but not limited to: the destruction of the local manufacturing industry, the fact that she's a stuck-up, middle class busybody, the destruction of the local mining industry, her homophobia, xenophobia, the selling off of school playing fields, etc. I could go on but you get the general idea.

Lampard To Stoke?

Could mockney soccer star Frank Lampard be on his way to Stoke City?

Rumours are spreading all over the internet like a bad sex rash that the private school-educated midfielder has been spotted house-hunting in Etruria.

"Lampard would be a perfect fit for Stoke," says Pottermusses fan Doris Ahmed, 100. "He's used to playing the long ball style of tactics we employ and, if his past is anything to go by, he would like the loose morals of Stoke girls."

Lampard, whose contract with Chelsea expires this summer, has yet to comment on a proposed move to Stoke.

Ken Barlow Apology

Actor Ken Barlow, 74, has been forced into a humiliating apology after remarks he gave during an interview in New Zealand.

Speaking to Eye On Auckland, Barlow, 75, said that people from Stoke were paying the price for sins committed in former lives. "If you accept that you are pure love, and know that you are pure love, then bad things, like being from Stoke, won't happen to you," said the actor, 76.

"Ken, 77, has apologised for his comments and that is fine by me," says local councillor Jinky Watkins. "That puts a bolt into the head of this particularly sorry cow of a story."

"The fact that anyone in New Zealand has ever heard of Ken Barlow, 78, and would want to interview him is more fucked up than anything he actually said," commented local tourism expert and proud Stokie Dave Murray, of the Cobridge tourist board.

Stoke Business Runs Surprisingly Well Despite Absence Of Managers

A company in Stoke has amazed the business world by carrying on as normal despite the absence of its managers.

Staff at Steve's Oatcakes in Birches Head had to deal with a day's work without managers after they all went out for a corporate golf day. Work continued as normal and productivity actually increased.

"I am literally gobsmacked," said business analyst Gary Balls. "I don't know what to believe anymore. Everything I've ever known is wrong. This is a real 'game changer'. Maybe the future of business is not to have managers at all."

Steve Oatcake, who owns Steve's Oatcakes, has so far refused to comment, but is reportedly happy with recent tweaks to his golf swing.