Falklands War II

With the second Falklands War about to get the nod, how do Stokies feel about another battle with the Argies? And with a new Argentine Pope adding an interesting religious twist to the war, it's sure to be one of the highlights of the year.

Right-wing EYE ON STOKE columnist, and war enthusiast, Dick Mellor offers his opinion on this whole sorry mess:

"If the Argies don't want any proper 'argy bargy', they should keep their noses out of our shit. We all know what happened last time, they surrendered quicker than a Frenchman in high heels. The filthy Argies have no claim on these islands, either historical, territorial, ethnic or ethical, and know as much, the cheeky bastards. I say let's hit these temperamental latin southerners them with a pre-emptive strike, designed to knock out important information and power relays. Let's show these backwards bitches that we mean business. If they fail to heed the warning, then let's bomb them back to the stone age. They're not far from it anyway in my opinion."

Steve Hyde (real name: Stephane Dudley-Williams) is EYE ON STOKE's newest columnist, signed on a Bosman as he was unattached to any rival publications. He offers his left wing view on the situation:

"We should not give the Falklands back to Argentina. Nor should we keep them. I say: FREE DA PEOPLE! We've kept the Falklanders as slaves for long enough now, it's time to let them go! Either that or give them to Cuba. Hail Castro. Let's fight the capitalist war machine, starting right now with these useless awkward bastards in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Power to the people!"

Power To The People!

By EYE ON STOKE's new columnist Steve Hyde, Stoke's leading left-wing radical free thinker.

Women are one of the most oppressed groups of people in Stoke today. I'm not embarrassed to say that I am in touch with my feminine side and often wear women's underwear to better know what it feels like to be a woman. Girl power!

I think it's important that we support our crippled brothers and sisters out there. If I see an old fella or lass using a walking stick, I show my support by walking alongside or behind them (depending on the width of the pavement) with a pronounced limp. It makes me understand how difficult life is for them, and I think they respect me back too for highlighting their plight to passers-by.

I see that our fascist government is planning a cut on benefits and I am appalled by this. I claim benefits under several aliases and I can confirm that you don't get nearly enough money to live off. Of. I can barely afford to live in my student accommodation and I regularly have to go cap in hand to my parents to keep getting my allowance and inheritance even though I'm now 38 years old. That should tell you all you need to know about Div Cameron and Michael Go-away-ve.

Finally, an apology to some of my friends: I now realise that blacking-up recently may have been a bad idea, but I did it for all the right reasons, showing my love to all of my coloured comrades out there! I feel your pain bros and sistas.

Power to the people!

Cathedral Controversy

Hanley Cathedral is facing a deepening controversy over the burial 23 years ago of a notorious local crime boss, with reports emerging that the church accepted a £450 payment from the mobster's widow to allow his interment there.

A source at the Church of England told EYE ON STOKE that the then cardinal, Kenny Tarbuck, gave his blessing to the controversial interment of Steve Mingekicker, the former boss of Longton's notorious westside gang. The money was reportedly used to hold a disco for choirboys and to restore toilets.

The claims, which the Church of England has not officially commented on, may explain how such a criminal was buried in one of Stokes holiest sites, currently undergoing reconstruction work following a fire caused by a faulty lava lamp. Last week, to deflect growing criticism, it emerged that cathedral officials had decided to move the remains of Mingekicker from his special crypt.

It is likely that the body of Mingekicker will be moved to a less high-profile place of rest. The location will be decided after consulting a ouija board.

Reader Request

Reader Chubb Yates has sent the following request:

"My usual ride to the supermarket has bailed on me for this week. If you would like to take me, pick me up by the Prometheus-style head in Hanley this Saturday at 11am. I will be wearing a Pikachu onesie. I will bring some of my Mum’s magazines for you to read in the car while I shop. I will also reimburse you petrol money to the tune of 15 pence per mile, which I calculate to be about the national average."

Charity Controversy

A campaigner for disability charities has been sacked from her role after saying that city councillors should be put down to save public money.

Erica Gash, 13, a true belieber, has so far refused to apologise for her comments and said that this is the view of her belief system.

Justin Bieber

Speaking to Ken Barry at a charity hog roast to raise money for starving orphans in Africa, unaware that he was a conservative councillor in Trentham, Ms Gash said that councillors are "usless", "ugly" and "are paying the price for sins of a former life".

She told Cllr Barry that blowing their brains out was a waste of bullets and that we should "bludgeon them with hammers" then "let the perverts have their way with their bodies".

"Good riddance to bad rubbish," Cllr Barry told supporters at a recent fan club meeting when asked about Ms Gash, to wild applause.

Stoke’s Top Cleric Stands Down

Stoke's highest Catholic, Cardinal Gary Grundies, has been forced to stand down after historic allegations of inappropriate behaviour were made against him.

The allegations, that date back to Grundies's time as a young priest, have yet to be investigated. The claims by other priests include the allegation that he once did a shit in the middle of a nun's playground, that he regularly flicked other priests' bare backsides with towels in changing rooms and that he once made a group of YTS priests play a game of "spunky biscuit".

Cardinal Grundies, who was on the panel that chooses the panel that will choose the panel that decides who the next pope will be, has decided to devote more time to his music career. He will keep his title and robes as part of his severance package.

Uncle Terry Solves Your Problems, No Thanks Needed

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

One of my neighbours sneaks into my lovely garden and night and shits in the middle of my lawn. I've confronted her but she denies it even though I've seen her do it. What should I do? - Ken Bird, Norton

I would do the same to her, see how she likes it. Wander into her garden the next time you need a dump and give her a taste of her own medicine. If this doesn't work, consider leaving traps on your lawn at night.

Even though I work as a lawyer, and earn lots of money, I've always dreamed of being a dancer. Should I follow my dream? - Debbie Runcorn

I always advise people to follow their dreams. Pole dancing is a good starting point, and it's an industry with high staff turnovers so it should be easy to get work. You can always supplement your income by doing pornos. One day you may then get your dream and work with stars like Jonathan Wilkes, in a touring production of Chicago or something.

I run over someone the other day with my car, there's no way I'm doing bird for it - Mick, Tunstall

Firstly, you need to get rid of any evidence from your car; that means blood, DNA evidence, bits of clothing. I would recommend an industrial car wash. If there's dents in your car, they need sorting out too. A cheap, backstreet garage will do, or even a local lowlife on the dole to do it. If you can fabricate an alibi, that will help, and if there are any witnesses, these will need eliminating. If you can achieve most or all of this, you should be ok.

Stokies Have The Biggest Knobs

Men is Stoke have been walking around like the cock-of-the-walk all week after a national survey found that Stokies have the biggest meat in Britain.

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/4795686/Men-in-Stoke-on-Trent-have-the-longest-willies-in-Britain.html

"This is no surprise to me," said city councillor Jinky Watkins. "I've been telling women this for years, maybe now they'll listen."

Wayne Biggins: I’d Never Kill Anyone

Stoke sporting superstar Wayne Biggins has calmed fears that all of our sporting heroes are secretly little more than drug-taking murderers behind closed doors.

A Biggins insider exclusively told EYE ON STOKE: "Wazza would never do anything like this, he's not known as 'The People's Champion' for nothing. He loves his fans, perhaps even too much if I'm being honest."

"Like all working class heroes, Wayne has built up a collection of cricket bats, guns and samurai swords over the years," admits the insider. "But they're for recreational purposes only, not for doing murders with."

Crime Fan: Pisto Looks Guilty

One of Stoke's leading crime experts says that Paralympic athlete Oscar Pistorius is guilty of murder and should get the death penalty.

"I've studied the TV and newspaper coverage in The Sun closely," says white van man Clem Fister. "I would definitely vote guilty if I was on the jury and press for the introduction of the death penalty in South Africa just for this case."

What has lead Clem to believe that Oscar is guilty?

"He looks shifty for a start," says the Micky Adams fan, 50. "And let's face it, there's no smoke without fire. South African Police wouldn't have charged a white man with a crime if he hadn't done it. Case closed."