Stokie To Become Pope?

When current Pope Benedict stands down at the end of the month, word on the street is that the next man in line to replace him could be a Stokie.

The Archbishop of Packmoor, Terry Biggins, has so far refused to rule himself out of the race for the big job.

Archbishop Terry Biggins

"Although I'm happy here in Packmoor, if one of the big teams like The Vatican comes in for me, I will have to consider my options," he told Signal Gold breakfast host Mad Mick.

"I'm an ambitious man and would love to get into Europe and onto the big stage," he added.

What's The Beef?

By Dick Mellor, the people's champion.

Why are we all so bothered that our beef supplies have turned out to be largely horse meat? I'll tell you why: because the lefty, lesbi-friends, veggie elite, who want to turn us all into mindless automatons who get our nutrients from "natural" foods and hug trees, have made such a fuss about it. Well I for one won't be giving up meat and will be buying up supplies of the beef lasagne that contains the horse meat, I don't care. Give me a scorpion on a stick, like that lot of commies in the Orient eat, I'll take it, as long as it's classed as meat. Eating meat is natural and it's the only way we can to stand up to this menace.

I also see that our clam-munching friends at the Guardian are trying to put an end to Page 3. I met a Guardian reader once and he was a pervert. If I wanna look at titties, and I do, then I should be allowed to do so. If you don't like looking at titties, then fuck off to commie China, where titties are outlawed.

*This week's column is dedicated to our departing Pope.

Horse DNA Found In Oatcakes

Stokies have been shocked to the core by the recent revelation that horsemeat has been discovered in oatcake dishes for sale in local shops.

"I'm shocked," says oatcake fan Barry Riley. "But it won't stop me from buying the savoury treats, it's too late for that."

"I'm really happy about this," says vegetarian Gary Riley. "I hope all you meat-munching fucks out there get mad cow disease. Serves you right."

"Maybe we're more like the French than we thought," says racist thug Rachel Slink. "Next thing you know we'll be having cheese and snail oatcakes."

In Focus: Goms Mill

Goms Mill is located in South Central Stoke, just below Longton.

Originally called "Gummers Mill", the town took its name from a toothless prostitute who plied her trade next to the local castle.

Goms Mill is home to Britain's biggest horse meat factory.

Famous people from Goms Mill include serial killer Mick Hammer and rocker Lenny Kravitz.

There are more people called Terry per square foot of Goms Mill than in any other part of Stoke.

Due to an ancient local law, the town is policed not by Staffordshire Police but by the Goms Mill Republican Army, an independent militia governed by God.

The official drink of Goms Mill is special brew.

The official food of Goms Mill is kebab.

The biggest selling single ever in Goms Mill is Michael Bolton's definitive (cover) version of 'If You Don’t Know Me By Now'.

It is still legal in Goms Mill for men to beat their "wenches".

Goms Mill waterfall, the scene of Stoke's biggest people massacre this century, is among the biggest in the city, though not one of the best.

Pop star Robbie Williams grew up in the area.

It's A Fix!

Stoke has been reeling all week after Anthea Turner, known locally as "the people's princess", was voted off ITV1 show 'Dancing On Ice' last Sunday night.

"I'm devastated," said city councillor Jinky Watkins, Stoke's special envoy to Anthea Turner. "And the fact she lost to a dickhead like Cheggers makes it even worse. My Sundays, and maybe even my life, are literally ruined now."

Anthea showed why she has been voted Stoke's sexiest woman on so many occasions, wowing viewers with her supple curves and firm hard-body, moving in such a way as to subtly let viewers know that she is a skilled and accomplished lover, a master in the erotic arts and a connoisseur of the pleasures of the flesh.

Reader Request

Reader Chubb Yates has sent the following request to EYE ON STOKE readers:

"I bought a Blueberry muffin from Tesco last week but it had no blueberries in it. I don’t know if this was a one-off or is part of some sort of conspiracy. If you would like to discuss this then go to Tesco to open some of their muffins to check, meet me by the Stanley Matthews statue in Hanley at 4pm this Saturday. I will be wearing black tracksuit trousers and a black leather jacket. Make sure you bring enough money with you to buy at least 10 blueberry muffins."

Anger As City Council Takes Down Confederate Flag

There's been widespread protests an looting in Stoke after a recent decision by the city council to only fly the confederate flag outside of official buildings for two days a week.

"This is an outrage of a mockery," said protester Susan Amy. "I didn't literally die in the civil war so the council could literally shit all over my face like this."

Council spokesman Jamie Julian said the council took this move as a way to ease tensions in the community. "Some people don't like the flag and it's connections with racism and slavery. Or the fact that we are still flying a flag for an America that no longer exists in 21st Century Britain."

Protesters have vowed to continue their protests and have promised to petrol bomb any American embassies or Starbucks stores in the city.

City Council To Freeze Benefits For Cheats

It has been reported that Stoke City Council is planning a freeze on raises to benefit payments for people who cheat the system.

The announcement comes as the council introduced a wide range of measures to reduce its budget, under direct pressure from Chancellor Gideon Osborne, who has promised to personally turn up at council offices every day and make a nuisance of himself if budget cutbacks aren't made.

"It's about time these caps were brought in," said white van man Terry Nutter. "I don't see why benefit cheats should get a rise in line with inflation while I'm working my nads off doing cash-in-hand work to avoid paying taxes and am yet again getting a below-inflation year-on-year salary increase."

Stoke Expects Oscar Nods

The major players in Stoke's film industry have played down talk of Oscar glory after several local films have been linked to glory.

Gangster film 'Lincoln', starring Danny Dyer, has been much touted in the press as an award winner and is regularly trending on Twitter.

"We knew we were onto a winner once Dyer signed on," said producer Phil Umney. "I think this could be the year that the lad finally gets the nod from his peers."

Meanwhile, rapper Geoffrey has talked up his chances of winning the Oscar for best music video for his song 'It Takes A Nation of Billions To Hold Us Bags'. "This is my time," he told Signal Gold breakfast show host Mad Mick. "I can feel it."

2012 Review: December

December means only one thing for Stokies: Christmas! And increased binge drinking. Unfortunately, Christmas was cancelled in the city this year as the City Council had left the pagan celebration off its official calendar for the year, and due to the city's constitution, was unable to add it after the year had begun.

Stokies reacted badly to this by rioting for over two weeks, only stopping for the start of the PDC Darts World Championship, which features several Stokies.

The year ended in terrifying manner for Stokies when a bus containing serial killers and paedophiles was hijacked and the deviants went on the rampage, killing and molesting as they went. They are still on the run.