Don't Worry, Uncle Terry Is Here

Your problems answered by EYE ON STOKE's resident agony uncle, Uncle Terry.

Uncle Terry, I look a bit like a wanted serial killer. Should I disguise myself by going beardy or maybe have short hair? I currently have a 'tache, much like the serial killer, and would like to keep it if possible - Mark, Longton

The 'tache has got to go I'm afraid, either completely or merged into a beard. I would say go beardy. I would suggest that you shave the top of your head off too so you look bald. No-one suspects baldies of being killers, they're mainly perverts.

Tel, I am currently involved in an argument with a friend: he says that if Jesus had been Japanese, Christianity would still have flourished. I say that's fucking bullshit. Who's right? - Kenwynne, Trentham

You are right Ken, white people are inherently racist and wouldn't follow a Jap, no way.

For reasons I will keep to myself, I want to get women pregnant then dump them. Any tips? - Jeff, Bentilee

In terms of meeting desparate women, the internet is your playground and your supermarket. There's plenty of skanks on there desperate for attention. Once you've got one, I'd recommend poking a hole in your rubber johnnies with a needle or pin; that way you give the illusion of using contraception. Good hunting!