Winter Sickness Report

Stoke's Medical Council, sponsored by Poveys Oatcakes, has released its report on sickness over the winter season.

"The number of people catching colds has gone down by 13%," Dr Phil Spartacus, author of the report boasts. "We put this down to increased unemployment leading to less people being able to afford to ever leave their house and thus catch less viruses."

The biggest claim from the report is that most coughs in Stoke are now caused by having pubic hairs stuck in the throat.

"Based on the evidence from local doctors, this is the conclusion we have reached," Dr Phil adds. "The facts don't lie."